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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop funding (adult) ds's idiocy?

111 replies

Yestotallyunreasonable · 19/08/2016 10:35

Ds (19) is a uni student and I currently top up his uni loan. (For those who haven't got student dcs, believe me the loans do not cover living expenses. DS's loan was less than his hall fees.) He studies a subject related to health.

I'm anti- smoking (which ds well knows) and he has always claimed to think that his friends who smoke are idiots. He says How can they be so stupid to waste their money on that shit? Don't they know what it does to their bodies? etc bullshit etc

Lo and behold, facebook photos of ds on holiday tagged by friends show him fag in hand, cigs in pocket, smoking away. (And funnily enough I notice he immediately unfriended me so I guess he's hoping I haven't seen the photos.)

I'm trying to work out a reasonable approach before he gets back from his holiday. I'm wondering if cutting the money I give him to support him at uni is fair? Why the fuck should I give him my hard earned cash to pay for his disgusting stupid money wasting habit? Is this hysterical overreaction? Too little too late? Measured and sensible?

Things to bear in mind:

He's adult, independent and I can't stop him if he chooses to smoke fucking idiot
He has a part time job and is doing very well on a tough academic course.
Despite his job and my (term time) financial support he is still overdrawn and struggled to pay for this camping holiday with friends.
He has signed a rental agreement to share a student house next academic year. He has to pay half rent over the summer and without my help won't be able to pay for september.

WWYD? Please tell me.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 19/08/2016 11:39

I hate smoking with a passion. It's the reason my grandparents are dead, only one of whom smoked and why I have asthma.

Him blocking you is very immature and that would piss me off so much I'd have to make the point and deduct the cost of weekly cigarettes from support given.

He's lied and that would piss me off too.

QuimReaper · 19/08/2016 11:40

Sorry, just seen he's in the UK and not abroad.

Nonetheless.

AppleSetsSail · 19/08/2016 11:41

Somehow I felt (wrongly?) that if ds1 kept his smoking secret then it would never be normalised, never happen at home and so would stay at a low level. Now I know and the boys know i know, i can't pretend and ignore, so have to be seen to react.

I think you've got a point there. There's a strong tradition of youngsters doing stupid things and hiding them from their parents, which shows a bit of respect and imposes natural limits. If he's become too comfortable with smoking, you have to act.

smallfox2002 · 19/08/2016 11:42

Hysterical over reaction to a fag, its bad for you, but smoking a bit in the short run doesn't do any real major lasting damage.

The problem is with student DC is although you need to fund them, you don't get to control what it is spent on to any extent. Even when they are 18 and iving at home you can still curtail some ideas and say that you'll stop giving them money, but this doesn't work with Uni students.

If you stop giving him money because he smokes, this will quite rightly be seen as an attempt to control him, and in a way remind him who is in charge.

I don't see either of those things being good for your relationship now, or in the future.

Trifleorbust · 19/08/2016 11:43

I think the worst thing you can do here is treat him like a child by docking money from his allowance. Either tell him the smoking bothers you so much you aren't prepared to fund it, and stop giving him cash, or let him spend his money as he chooses. I loved a few glasses of wine as a student (and to be fair got very little support from my parents) but on the rare occasions where I did request money, I wouldn't have appreciated being told what to spend it on.

QuimReaper · 19/08/2016 11:47

I agree entirely with small and Trifle

T0ddlerSlave · 19/08/2016 11:47

Its common at his age to be a social smoker, only smoking when drinking.

grannytomine · 19/08/2016 11:49

It would upset me more that my children lied to me than that they smoked. They know I don't like smoking, three of the four went through a smoking phase at uni. None of them smoke now and I wouldn't have withdrawn money because they smoked. I have a horrible feeling that it might have made them a bit bloody minded about it but as it was they knew it worried me, never did it at home and always told me they would stop and they did.

Stormtreader · 19/08/2016 11:51

And this is exactly why my parents are not on my facebook friends list :D

QuimReaper · 19/08/2016 11:54

Apple I would agree with you if he were smoking in front of them or in his bedroom or something, but I think his going into a panic and blocking the OP from Facebook shows he is definitely not "comfortable" with her knowing.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 19/08/2016 12:04

The lying and blocking on facebook would make me very cross. I would be paying for food deliveries or rent direct to the LL and not giving him cash any more.

My children know my views on smoking, drugs, excessive drinking and tattoos and if they cross that line then they know that there would be consequences.

Life is too precious as it is without taking years off it with needless substances.

Olives106 · 19/08/2016 12:09

Goodness. My family are mostly on my Facebook list but I don't know if they've ever worked out that they're 'acquaintances' so they get to see about 1 in 10 of my actual posts. Not because I post anything that's other than innocuous out there but because I don't get on well with them and I don't want them to know much about my life (because, sadly, they've proved they'll use it against me). Unfortunately I'm much more willing to share cute pics of me, my dog and my mates with random people I once met at a conference than with my family.

Ok, I might be extreme, but I bet there are loads of people who don't want their parents seeing everything they post on Facebook, and I think that isn't necessarily unhealthy, it's just the boundaries they're happy with.

WrappedInABlankie · 19/08/2016 12:14

He's and adult at uni. If he want's to smoke he will.

If you don't want to give him money then don't, give it direct to the landlord and a food shop.

I smoke and it's my choice you can say you disapprove and I'll smile and nod, you choose to give him the money and it's his to do as he will with it.

Original poster

Yestotallyunreasonable · 19/08/2016 12:17

Interesting that for some the FB blocking issue is more important than the money or the smoking.

DS had only recently 'friended' me after an extensive clean up of his history, for probably the very same reason he has now blocked me. There are things he doesn't want me to see or know about him. As I said before, it might be better for all of us if those things stay unknown.

OP posts:

Fuckingmoles · 19/08/2016 12:19

My children know my views on smoking, drugs, excessive drinking and tattoos and if they cross that line then they know that there would be consequences.

What a horrible post - I hope your children have the good sense to block you on FB (which would be a natural consequence of your controlling attitude)

GoblinLittleOwl · 19/08/2016 12:24

This sounds suspiciously like a rant because your (adult) son has dared to disobey you rather than a concern for his health; smoking is a complete waste of money and unhealthy, but so are many other things that students indulge in, and he is earning money to part fund himself. He will also learn to judge for himself.

This is precisely why I never access my adult children's social media accounts.

MrsJayy · 19/08/2016 12:30

Maybe it is time for you to limit what you see on facebook he is a young man doing young man things having adult children can be a shock to the system realising that they are out of your control can be difficult for some parents. I do think the further education system can make it hard to let go because we are still supporting them iyswim

Mysterycat23 · 19/08/2016 12:45

OP you said he has a part time job - the money he earns there is his own to spend surely? Would it help to think of your contribution being purely for rent and his part time job earnings being for his other (discretionary) expenses?

RainyDayBear · 19/08/2016 12:50

Can you pay his halls / landlord / fees directly as your contribution? I wouldn't be happy about the smoking either, but he is an adult. I wouldn't try to control it, but would probably pay money to something specific instead.

meowli · 19/08/2016 12:54

Yes, I do feel I somehow have to do something (set some kind of example) for ds2's benefit.

I can really sympathise with you on that. We have quite a gap between ds2 and ds3, and it's so difficult to navigate acceptable behaviour with adult/child siblings.

Our big thing has been alcohol at parties, gatherings etc., rather than cigarettes. Especially the curse of 'pre-drinks' when at our house! Don't want to encourage ds3 to think that drinking alcohol up in your room with a load of friends is a good thing, but it's not illegal (and I think, for better or worse, that is my yardstick. If I discovered drugs were involved, the shit would hit the fan), and ds1 and 2 are (fairly!) responsible adults. They have jumped through the usual hoops, anyway, so I don't feel justified in having a blanket ban on something which is regarded by them as normal socialising. Difficult.

QuimReaper · 19/08/2016 12:56

FuckingMoles

Niloufes · 19/08/2016 13:00

If you are still giving him money then he is not independent at all. You wont want to stop helping him and there is no way you could police him to not use money you gave him to buy cigarettes, so stop giving him cash and buy him things instead. For example: pay his rent for him directly to the landlord, buy him food parcels, do online shop food deliveries for him etc. Make it so your money goes where you want it to go. If he wishes to spend his cash money on cigarettes then that's his look out you wont be funding it.

sarahnova69 · 19/08/2016 13:05

*My children know my views on smoking, drugs, excessive drinking and tattoos and if they cross that line then they know that there would be consequences.

Life is too precious as it is without taking years off it with needless substances.*

I can't wait to hear the connection between tattoos and taking years off your life.

AndNowItsSeven · 19/08/2016 13:10

Does your ds receive the maximum student loan? If not you have a moral duty to make up the difference regardless of what he spends it on.

Original poster

Yestotallyunreasonable · 19/08/2016 13:14

To those suggesting paying for material things like food or rent rather than giving him cash, I do see your point but it all works out the same in the end. If I pay his rent, he gets more of the loan cash to spend. If he uses the loan to pay the rent then my top up is the 'spending money'. It wouldn't actually make a difference to what he has in his pocket

I agree that I can't control him or his spending. I agree that all young adults (and their parents) have to go through the learning stage of managing money and spending probably unwisely. It's not my choice, it's his.

For me, my dilemma is more about the principle. If I do or say nothing then I'm condoning ds spending the money I gave him for essentials on something I am strongly against. So I have to do or say something but I want it to be reasonable and fair and not crazy controlling Tiger Mum or let it all hang out let's smoke a spliff together daahling Slack Mum.

Perhaps this is just an over-controlling rant but I am still his mum even though he's an adult and I do love him more than life and care more about him and his happiness and health than pretty much anything else.

OP posts:

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