To stop funding (adult) ds's idiocy?

[Yestotallyunreasonable]

Ds (19) is a uni student and I currently top up his uni loan. (For those who haven't got student dcs, believe me the loans do not cover living expenses. DS's loan was less than his hall fees.) He studies a subject related to health.

I'm anti- smoking (which ds well knows) and he has always claimed to think that his friends who smoke are idiots. He says How can they be so stupid to waste their money on that shit? Don't they know what it does to their bodies? etc bullshit etc

Lo and behold, facebook photos of ds on holiday tagged by friends show him fag in hand, cigs in pocket, smoking away. (And funnily enough I notice he immediately unfriended me so I guess he's hoping I haven't seen the photos.)

I'm trying to work out a reasonable approach before he gets back from his holiday. I'm wondering if cutting the money I give him to support him at uni is fair? Why the fuck should I give him my hard earned cash to pay for his disgusting stupid money wasting habit? Is this hysterical overreaction? Too little too late? Measured and sensible?

Things to bear in mind:

• He's adult, independent and I can't stop him if he chooses to smoke fucking idiot
• He has a part time job and is doing very well on a tough academic course.
• Despite his job and my (term time) financial support he is still overdrawn and struggled to pay for this camping holiday with friends.
• He has signed a rental agreement to share a student house next academic year. He has to pay half rent over the summer and without my help won't be able to pay for september.

WWYD? Please tell me.

You cut his allowance. I'm working my ass off as a lone parent to save for uni funds for my kids. I'll be damned if it's going to be used to fund their smoking habit. I'd swap your contribution to paying a portion of his accommodation directly. After that he's on his own.

Can I suggest being "disappointed" about his choices yes? DS tells me this this is much worse than the occasions where I rant.

It's not though, you will know the money you gave him is going on what you want i.e rent and food. The student loan which he'll have to pay back will pay for anything else, as he'll have to pay it back then he's spending his own money

Moles yes, I will be disappointed. DS2 has already asked me what I think and I told him how disappointed I felt. And I really do.

Not all spliff smoking mums are slack.

He is 19. You are still giving him money. He is not independent.

He is an adult you can't tell him what to do anymore. The more you tell them more he'll probably just do it anyway.

If you disapprove, tell him so. If you disapprove so much that it bothers you he spends cash money you give him on the habit then the only thing you can do is change how you help him.

If you want him to learn how to manage his own money then stop helping him out when he gets into a pickle over camping trip funds etc. He choose how he spends the money let him learn from his mistakes, let him miss out on that camping trip. Next time he has run out of cash don't give him anymore.

You are bordering on crazy controlling tiger mum at the moment tbh.

Much more effective yes but don't overplay your hand and keep going on about it. Make your point and then move on - show that you accept he's an adult, making adult choices.

One thing that stopped one of my Uni friends smoking was when she was moaning about being broke and we got her to work out what she had spent on fags during the year. The realisation that she had burned her way through hundreds of pounds really hit home.

As PP have suggested, keep his allowance as it is but make it clear that you won't bail him out if he has let several hundred pounds go up in flames. Make him work out what the cigarettes have actually cost him and ask him what he could have done with the money.

Of course you can say something you are part funding a fag habit which you have every right to moan about

he's 19. I'm another one that would express disappointment, disapproval etc and make it clear I wouldn't be be funding any unexpected shortfalls but young adults have to make mistakes without parenting interference and smoking, drugs, unwise partner choices etc are all part of that. You can advise but manipulating him through money is a bit meh. You give what you have to give, and you don't make up for him spending it badly.

My brother was so antismoking all of his life..antidrinking, antidrugs also. Til uni. Now he is constantly defending the use of cannabis and saying it should be legal (which I agree with tbh). Smoking dope at regular intervals...he nearly poisoned himself drinking too much on some 'initiation' into some uni group. Only thing he has stuck to is anti-tobacco. But oddly enough it apparently doesn't matter if the tobacco is in a joint

I don't know how I would handle the situation tbh, as I don't really feel I should police what my adult children do. however it wouldn't sit right with me to be funding a habit that will be harming them either :/

I also want to know how a tattoo shortens your life. I am glad that poster isn't my mum. I might be NC if she/he was.

OP, in your shoes I would speak to my DS & say how disappointed I was. No shouting, no ranging. Actually I'd say what you say in your last but one post - that I love him, care about his health etc. I'd also tell him that DS2 was also asking questions & that you'd told him how disappointed you are. I would also tell him that you were so disappointed that you considered cutting his allowance, but that as he's grown up, lives away from home, and has to make his own decisions, you won't do that.

Ultimately, he has to not smoke for himself, not because you said so.

OP, cutting money at university won't impact on him now, and it's now he's smoking. I also hate smoking (multiple dead relatives at stupidly young ages because of it, leaving young children behind). Sod Facebook and you being blocked - he's not 12, who he's friends with or blocks on there as an adult doesn't matter. If you want to show that you are annoyed text him now, and tell him he quits the fags or finds somewhere else to live over the summer as you won't have a smoker in your house. Snactions that will happen in 2 months don't show that you're pissed off now. your son is setting himself up for cancer, COPD, heart disease. These are not things you want for your son, it's just he thinks they won't happen to him. either grow a pair and tackle this now, while he's away smoking and you're at home stewing, or accept that he smokes and you're giving him money in October, bt the reducing funding thing is neither here nor there.

And totally agree with Chaz too - get him to work out what he spends in fags. My DS did thus recently over chocolate. He was shocked & we discussed what else he could have done with that money (he's only 12 but the point is similar!)

BengalCatMum stalking on facebook? FFS I was sitting with ds2 looking at photos of our new baby cousin and refreshed my news thread. Up popped the photos of ds in front of us both. If that is stalking then every sinngle member of Facebook is a stalker. Ridiculous.

Students cannot easily announce themselves financially independent from their parents and get the unconditional support you talk about. I guess you haven't got student dcs from that comment. God, I wish it were that easy. Apart from anything else that would be fraud because we have not disowned him and he hasn't lived away from us.

And for those asking, we are eligible for the maximum loan due to our low income, thanks. So in theory I'm not morally obliged to help ds out. But I do because even the maximum loan does not cover student hall costs where ds is. Without any help from us, ds would not have been able to eat lunch, travel home, buy beer books or pay his rental deposit.

No, it's not the same as drinking. Most students drink too much at uni but it tends to be on occasions and they rarely turn into addicts. Nicotine is highly addictive and he is therefore setting himself up for a life long addiction. My df is currently dying a slow and painful death due to lung cancer which has spread to his spine (the massive amounts of opiates he is taking are not controlling the pain). It was definitely brought about by smoking.

'My children know my views on smoking, drugs, excessive drinking and tattoos and if they cross that line then they know that there would be consequences.

Life is too precious as it is without taking years off it with needless substances.'

Life is too precious to be so controlling and obsessive over one's adult children.

Thanks to everyone who has commented wisely on this thread. I think you've helped me decide my strategy.

I'm going to talk calmly to him when he's home. (Not by text and not making threats to disown him, cut him off or kick him out). I'm going to tell him that I'm disappointed and I'm going to tell him I resent giving him money if he's spending it so stupidly.

Then I'm going to ask him what he thinks, discuss how he feels about the health issues, how much he's spending on it and if it's an occasional holiday thing or full-blown habit. Depending on his reaction (which might be defensive and confrontational or reasonable and thoughtful, knowing ds) I wil then decide if and by how much I reduce my support.

I will try my bloody hardest not to nag, raise my voice or cry. I will try to listen to ds and his point of view. If this is over the top tigering then so be it. That's me.

I will update you when ds gets back from his holiday next week because most of you have been so helpful.

And now I must get off MN. And facebook

And Bengalcat it's not just a series of forms.

To be financially independent ds would have to declare himself irreconcilably estranged from me. I.e, with no verbal or written contact. (He is clearly not). he would need to provide independent evidence. (e.g. a letter from his school or care provider).

He would have to also prove that he had financially supported himself for 36 months (since he was 16) which he clearly hasn't.

You appear to be advocating fraud. Very bad advice and I urge nobody looking at future student finances for their dcs to listen to this.

but what d u class as essentials

does he rink is that eseential-why not kick up a fuss about that-or takeaway food?

When dealing with teenagers, its better to be 'disappointed' than angry. I used to not really give a crap about my parents getting mad about stuff but whenever they said disappointed it actually made me think about stuff for some reason. No idea why...

Great update OP, I think that's exactly the right thing to do.

I smoked at university and drank more than was good for me. My parents kindly gave me a credit card for emergencies and I used it for the occasional round behind the bar and takeaways . I've turned out fine in the end.

People have to learn and grow through their mistakes and as long as he's studying hard and hasn't got badly into alcohol and drugs, then I think he's doing all right. The main thing I'd fault him for is not having the wit to cover his tracks - I remember airing the flat before parents came, and censoring photos of me with a cigarette in hand, all a lot easier to do in the days before omnipresent social media.

Tell him you're disappointed but all this talk of cutting off money and teaching him a lesson seem disproportionate to me. Your DS wasn't lucky enough to be born in an age where tuition fees were free and student grants were more readily available, oh and there was less social media to let everyone know everything you were up to.

I'd be massively disappointed by the smoking as I hate it, always hated and have way over the top views about it that I obviously keep inside my head unless someone forces me to tell them exactly what I think of smoking.

I think I'd massively over react at first and threaten to stop any help....yes I hate it that much and am irrational about it but I try to control it

Then I'd calm down and explain exactly why I am so disappointed and work out with him how much he is actually spending on the nasty, toxic, cancer, COPD, cardiac inducing, smelly, neuropathy inducing, bloody clotting awful shit that he is deciding to put into his lungs. Although to be fair my DS 6 knows all of this now so he is bound to smoke just to spite me

I have my nieces and friends kids on my Facebook (they have requested not me and I felt too bad to decline) and I think its kind of not right. They need to have it so you can have it set to 'family' 'friends' 'work colleagues' and not just acquaintances.