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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he ought to have told me his actual name!?!!!!

50 replies

Cakeycakecake · 18/08/2016 23:48

Okay so I have known this man for a while. We met, dated, I got pregnant, had a miscarriage, we stopped dating and then we'd basically meet and hook up. Nothing serious, at any point. I probably liked him more than he liked me, but whatever.

So one of our hookups led to me falling pregnant again. Baby born very recently. He accused me of all sorts, messing with contraception, the works. Very jeremy kyle. I don't play games like that and he's now demanding a dna. Fine, waste your money. Not my lookout.

But today it transpired that he'd never told me his real name. So I'm the mother of his child and I nor my child would never have known how to even contact him or find him let alone have cms onto him, because he hid his name. And now he's saying I'm blowing it out of proportion.
Am i?! Because after having been called a liar for so long I'm pissed that it turns out he's lied all along. According to him it never occurred to him cause he's been known by the newer name for his entire life. Despite bank account, drivers license, mortgage etc being in his original name...

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 18/08/2016 23:54

Er no, yanbu.

How odd.

clicknclack · 18/08/2016 23:56

liars expect others to lie like they do

dollylucy · 18/08/2016 23:56

Is it a completely different name?
Why was it changed?

Original poster
Cakeycakecake · 19/08/2016 00:00

I realise how outing this thread is... I've spoken with a friend about it tonight. But I'm a long time lurker with no need to post before. I'm just so confused as to how he can think it's normal and I shouldn't call him a liar. He's in his 30s for God's sake. He has another child. And he sat crying on my sofa when I was pregnant because he'd told nobody I was pregnant!!! Boy do I know how to pick them Angry

OP posts:
AllieinWonderland · 19/08/2016 00:01

Yanbu! There is no good reason for him to neglect to mention his real name, and after such a history I think you'd have a right.

I don't think this is the only thing I'd be cross about either... He sounds like a jerk to me.

Original poster
Cakeycakecake · 19/08/2016 00:03

Dolly think Jim to... Isaac. Nothing alike. Apparently his family used his middle name and he never thought to mention it even after the two years we've known each other. And obviously the baby.

I just feel so disgusted that I have been so accommodating, so nice despite his awful accusations and I'd have not even known my child's father's name if he'd just disappeared

OP posts:
emilybrontescorset · 19/08/2016 00:06

Do you mean he is called something like David Paul but everyone calls him Paul?
If so I can see both sides. However I would think it usual for someone to say" my official name is David, but I always get called Paul."

emilybrontescorset · 19/08/2016 00:07

Aww crossed posts. No he should have mentioned it.

ComedyWing · 19/08/2016 00:07

Hang on, I assumed you meant he'd deliberately given you a false name, but are you just saying he's legally Isaac Jim Smith, known to all as Jim Smith, but he never said?

JudyCoolibar · 19/08/2016 00:08

Is it only his first name that is different? If so, I'm not sure that it's necessarily such a big deal. Some people just decide at some point in their lives that they'd rather use their middle name, or indeed a completely different name, but their original name remains on official documents just because it's too much faff to change it and it's not technically incorrect.

FeckinCrutches · 19/08/2016 00:11

But it is his name? Just not the one his family chooses to call him?

ComedyWing · 19/08/2016 00:12

And honestly, OP, congratulations on your baby, and it's not what you asked, but if you accidentally got pregnant twice in a short space of time with a casual partner, you really need to rethink your contraception.

Original poster
Cakeycakecake · 19/08/2016 00:13

Judy maybe you're right. I just feel so angry that he's been so vile for so long and now wants to be 'friends' when I'd have gone to register little one and he'd have announced a different name entirely. I found out totally by accident.
I honestly don't know if it was a deliberate concealment of his real name and he's got more to hide (since he's always saying how he doesn't trust anyone and he is so suspicious of people) or if it's a genuine oversight. I think that's why I wanted total strangers advice and input so thank you

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 19/08/2016 00:13

Do you know his family and friends?

Sorry but it sounds like you may be his secret OW. Hence him not wanting to be clear on his name.

I find it strange that you never saw his name written down or saw someone call him another name.

Original poster
Cakeycakecake · 19/08/2016 00:16

Comedy thanks but following this birth I can no longer have any more. Also, i miscarried mid 2014. It's been an on off thing since that year with him. Only did I finally end it when I found out I was pregnant and his accusations started.

OP posts:
FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 19/08/2016 00:16

He told you the name he goes by. It sounds like a fairly casual relationship all round (despite the two pregnancies) so no, I don't see that he should necessarily tell you his 'legal' name if he dislikes it enough not to use it for most of his life, except on official documents. I know of several people who use their middle name instead of their first and would see no reason to tell someone. Did you ever meet any of his friends and family during that time?

You might want to reassess your contraception before you move on to another relationship as it doesn't sound like the one you're currently relying on is very good.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 19/08/2016 00:17

Ah ex post. Sorry to hear that op

Original poster
Cakeycakecake · 19/08/2016 00:18

Lilac... I have a feeling you could be right. I only went to his once. He only stayed with me overnight once. In a year and a half. Oh God I know I can be stupid sometimes but I'm old enough to know better than this. I've had suspicions but thought it was in my head. Specially since I'd met and would spend time with him and his dd...

OP posts:
Stillunexpected · 19/08/2016 00:24

My dad was known by his middle name all his life, I can still remember when I heard his actual name for the first time, I must have been about 10, and was staggered. So I can see how it happens.

Allalonenow · 19/08/2016 00:24

I'd think hard about having this man on your baby's birth certificate, find out all the pros and cons first.

Original poster
Cakeycakecake · 19/08/2016 00:24

It's ok feedme, I'm realising pretty fast how stupid I've been. I was diagnosed during pregnancy with a life long condition which has made me reassess everything, and I knew aibu would be straight and the contraception would come up. I'm not happy it failed (I booked with Marie stopes but couldn't do it) but I see baby as my miracle. And I don't regret going ahead. But I feel like a total idiot now.

So to answer, no, I didn't meet his family or friends. I saw no paperwork. We'd meet to go to dinner or dates out, or he'd come here. We spent a lot of time with the kids here or on days out. I didn't introduce him to my friends either, i am pretty private with relationships so I didn't see it as any red flag

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 19/08/2016 00:30

Not meeting friends and adult family is a red flag in a long term committed relationship.

It sounds as though he's manipulated you through your trust to get what he wanted (casual sex).

He owes you a full explanation of who he is!

Best wishes for your pregnancy Flowers

Jizzomelette · 19/08/2016 00:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeckinCrutches · 19/08/2016 00:56

They aren't in a long term committed relationship though. And OP hadn't introduced him to her family or friends either.

dowhatnow · 19/08/2016 00:56

If he's always known by the different name it might not be deliberate. If it was deliberate then YANBU but then it is a bit unfortunate to get pregnant twice to someone you are not seriously involved with. Once a mistake, twice i'm not surprised he's upset about it. Even if you have been really careful as you say it was a contraception failure, surely you can see how hard that is for him to believe.

It does sound a bit Jeremy Kyle TBH.

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