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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he ought to have told me his actual name!?!!!!

50 replies

Cakeycakecake · 18/08/2016 23:48

Okay so I have known this man for a while. We met, dated, I got pregnant, had a miscarriage, we stopped dating and then we'd basically meet and hook up. Nothing serious, at any point. I probably liked him more than he liked me, but whatever.

So one of our hookups led to me falling pregnant again. Baby born very recently. He accused me of all sorts, messing with contraception, the works. Very jeremy kyle. I don't play games like that and he's now demanding a dna. Fine, waste your money. Not my lookout.

But today it transpired that he'd never told me his real name. So I'm the mother of his child and I nor my child would never have known how to even contact him or find him let alone have cms onto him, because he hid his name. And now he's saying I'm blowing it out of proportion.
Am i?! Because after having been called a liar for so long I'm pissed that it turns out he's lied all along. According to him it never occurred to him cause he's been known by the newer name for his entire life. Despite bank account, drivers license, mortgage etc being in his original name...

OP posts:

RubbishMantra · 19/08/2016 01:03

Has he told you the truth about his surname is?

RubbishMantra · 19/08/2016 01:07

*Sorry, I was unclear. Do you know is he's been truthful about his surname?

minatiae · 19/08/2016 01:08

if he's always gone by his middle name then why would he tell you what his first name was? how is it relevant?

I go by my middle name, always have. parents named me that way because the names sound better together in that way instead of the other way around. yes my name is first name initial last name on official documents at bank etc but apart from that I use my middle name and never tell anyone my first name. if someone asks I tell them but I would never think to do so otherwise since it's not my name. the name I go by is and always has been my name

I never considered it to be any form of deception to not tell people the first name that I never use and never want to be called

Original poster

Cakeycakecake · 19/08/2016 01:30

Oh dowhatnow I don't disagree it's a bit jeremy kyle. My words and thoughts exactly. But I am not solely responsible for contraception, and the first time the pregnancy beat the condom, microgynon pill and the morning after tablet too.
The second time I had the mirena coil. That was fitted immediately following miscarriage. I guess I was just ridiculously fertile, but I won't take the sole blame. He could have used something too.

Miniatiae you could be right. I guess I'm in shock, knowing my baby will be registered soon and had I not stumbled on the info I'd have been putting the name of a man I don't appear to know as well as I thought on the birth certificate... In fact a total strangers name.
His surname is definitely correct. Bank transactions prove it.

I don't think he's a bad person, I just wonder what else he's hiding. Given his suspicion on me when I've been innocent and supporting him all along. I am looking to coparent our child with him, I want our baby to have the best relationship possible with both parents and that involves the dad and I getting along. I guess this has tested my trust in him.

OP posts:

lalalalyra · 19/08/2016 01:50

I think you need to work out how deceptive he was.

My DH only discovered my original first name after we decided to get married. Changing my name had never come up. I had been Lalalalyra since I was 14. That is my name. I have to fill in another box on forms and the likes, but it's my name.

So if he's in that situation. His name is Issac Jim and he's always been known as Jim then it's similar to someone called Billy never actually saying "BTW I'm really called William."

If he's Isaac Jim and everyone calls him Isaac in his whole life and only you call him Jim then that's worrying.

AnnieOnnieMouse · 19/08/2016 01:51

He'd have to attend the registration of the birth anyway, to have his name on the certificate. It would, of course, be an extremely stupid thing to have his name on it.

Atenco · 19/08/2016 02:29

i don't really understand this. Just because he prefers to be called by his middle name?

My dd's name is her middle name, she is never ever called by her first name.

RepentAtLeisure · 19/08/2016 02:37

I'd have been putting the name of a man I don't appear to know as well as I thought on the birth certificate...

He has to be there to be on the birth cert, and I agree with the pp above who advised you to try to avoid that. It gives someone who has no real interest in parenting their child a lot of power - he could stop you going on holiday, it makes any court cases come around much quicker. It's equal legal parental rights basically, and if he shows no sign of wanting to be an equal parent, don't gift him that right.

RosieSW · 19/08/2016 02:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anonymouses · 19/08/2016 03:01

My uncle has gone by his middle name since he was a baby. I didn't find out his real first name for years. I wouldn't get too upset about that. Sounds like it's the least of
Your worries. Hope things work out for you xx

veryproudvolleyballmum · 19/08/2016 03:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilovecharliecat · 19/08/2016 03:12

I go by my my middle name , as does my DH DS1. That's just us... DH & I work at the same place but very few people would know our 'first' names, that's really not unusual where we live

Wallywobbles · 19/08/2016 03:26

For gods sake don't put him on the birth certificate. You are signing up to a life long commitment of him pulling out shit and limiting your choices.

My ex doesn't see his kids but has successfully stopped me living with my new partner by refusing to allow my kids to change school. And that's just the latest thing.

He will still have to pay without being in the certificate.

veryproudvolleyballmum · 19/08/2016 03:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MimiSunshine · 19/08/2016 04:14

I think you're seeing thistle a bigger deal than it is because you've just had a baby and it sounds like he's put you through hell with accusations.

However the band thing in isolation seems simply that he is officially X but known by Y to friends and family, he probably never thought to mention it and as you weren't in a serious relationship you never had that full disclosure conversation. I remember asking my BF once if he had a middle name, that's when the official / known by thing would've come up.

But the fact he's accused you of lying and generally been less than supportive (requesting DNA tests) makes his 'lie' seem much worse. You know now and if you want to co-parent successfully I'd let it go, but I think you do need to make clear that you will never again tolerate him accusing you or any similar bad behaviour

bigfriendlygiant · 19/08/2016 05:01

He sounds horrible in the way he's treated you and I hope your relationship improves.

I agree with pp that not knowing his name when your relationship was so casual is not such an oddity.

My family is full of people who don't use their full first name: William - Bill, Michael - Mick/Mike, Catherine - Kate, John - Jack, Elizabeth - Bethy. I also use a shortened version of my first name and it's surprises me when people don't realise it's a shortened version of a name. I'm not trying to be deceptive.

GarlicMistake · 19/08/2016 05:21

I've calmed down since getting all furious at your first post - and it seems to me the real problem is the status of your relationship. You're in a casual affair with little meaning, so uncommitted that you haven't met his old friends/family or seen his identity documents. And all of a sudden there's a baby in it. Congratulations! :)

His very unpleasant reaction to your pregnancy shows he still felt uninvolved, and also showed a nasty misogynistic streak not to mention extreme self-interest. This man is not long-term co-parenting material.

I'm sorry, because you've said you already felt more involved - that's a painful situation at the best of times, and having a baby will have kicked all your family-building hormones into overdrive.

But let him go. Don't register him as the father unless he asks, which seems unlikely. He isn't good for you. You and DC will be a better family together.

Mjingaxx · 19/08/2016 05:25

I know a number of people who go by names other than their official registered names. I don't think that is deceptive

This sounds like a very casual relationship and now you have a baby you are having more serious expectations of the history....in terms of not having stayed over at each other's/not meeting friends and family. You can't change things retrospectively because you now have a baby

That said, I'd dump him, over the DNA request alone. Sounds like he will be more effort than he is worth

Amelie10 · 19/08/2016 05:37

I really don't see what he's done that's so wrong. It's still his name at the end of the day? It's not some random name, just his actual middle name?

You said yourself you probably liked him more than he did you, and your 'relationship' was meet and hook up. Not sure why you are expecting more than that now in terms of him being so open with you. You made an unwise choice of parent for your child but there's nothing you can do now. Just focus on your new baby.

MissMellowMellons · 19/08/2016 05:51

OP He would need to be present at registration or provide stat proof of his name:- 'If an unmarried father is not present and does not sign the register, his details will not be included on the birth certificate and he will not gain Parental Responsibility for his child, unless: He makes a statutory declaration acknowledging that he is the father, which the mother must give to the registrar'.

Mjingaxx · 19/08/2016 05:53

I'm pretty sure you can't put his name on the birth certificate if you aren't married, if he is not with you when you register the birth

Are you supposed to take the morning after pill, if you are already on the pill?? I can't imagine that is advisable. Also curious as to why you did especially if you had used a condom as well. But it is irrelevant to the current situation

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 19/08/2016 06:13

My grandfather, father, brother and nephew all go by their middle names and most people they meet wouldn't be told that. So I can see how that never came up since your relationship was fairly casual.

However, I agree with PP that his reaction was appalling and you don't want him on the birth certificate. Perhaps not in your baby's life even.

FallenStar3 · 19/08/2016 06:13

Op are you aware certain pills have certain time windows to be taken at the same time every day the pill you meantioned has a window period of three hours to be taken same time every day for it work effectively. A lot of people fail to use the pill correctly resulting in pregnancy.

As for the name a lot of people may use their middle name instead of their first, but officially they have to put their first name. Please ignore people when they say you should register him on the birth certificate he has as much right as you do and so does the child to know who his father is and the right to have him in his life.

Trifleorbust · 19/08/2016 06:30

I go by a derivative of my middle name, and I rarely mention the fact to new acquaintances. It's only if it came up in a professional context or someone had been to uni or school with me that someone would know. He sounds like a treat anyway.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 19/08/2016 06:32

My dad goes by his middle name-it's quite normal is some families for all the children to.

I'm sorry op but I really don't think this is a big deal.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

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