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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up?

135 replies

Amy214 · 17/08/2016 22:31

Every year me, dm and aunty make plans to go out for the day (all dc included) we do different things every year but we always have a picnic (depending on the weather) we always make an effort to invite SIL but in the 4/5 years that we started doing this she hasn't been once but her dc come with us.
Her dc spend every weekday at my house (8am-4pm) and sometimes they stay overnight at the weekend. Her eldest dd also goes to my aunties once a week (after she has spent the day at my house)
I have my own dd (2 years old and is a bit of a handful)
This year I don't want to take her dc if she isn't coming (i've had them for the full summer holidays) i'm fed up of having her dc every weekend and would love to have time so i can just focus on my dd. I don't mind them being here through the week, its hard to keep them entertained with so little on offer but i manage.
I have asked her twice if she is coming with us and both times she has said she doesn't know and will let me know soon (we are going on saturday)
So WIBU to tell her that i don't want her dc to come unless she makes the effort to actually come with us?

OP posts:
Peppapogstillonaloop · 18/08/2016 19:02

If your db is going to kick off I suggest you tell them before sat by text or email or whatever. Don't let them bully you face to face or make you feel uncomfortable so you end up offering bits and bobs. Honestly sometimes on Mumsnet my jaw just drops and this is one of those times. you are being royally taken advantage of and you need to stand up for yourself and say NO!!

Original poster
Amy214 · 18/08/2016 19:16

Peppapogstillonaloop i'm going to sort out my thoughts first, write a few things down and keep to the script. I'm taking dd out to a country farm tomorrow (they aren't invited) to distract myself for a few hours, clear my head. Hopefully go onto saturday with positive thoughts so i don't let it get me down and ruin my day.

OP posts:
artiface · 18/08/2016 19:42

Have you thought about becoming a registered childminder? Then you could charge the going rate to whomsoever you choose.

Wherethefucksthefuckingtuna · 18/08/2016 19:50

Your own brother is controlling you with fear? That's fucking disgusting! What does your DH/DP think of the situation? They owe you thousands in childcare payments, you've basically been paying for their kids all this time and she can afford to go out every weekend but can't afford to pay you more? (£100pm is nothing). Cut these awful people out of your life!

tellyjots · 18/08/2016 20:02

These people are asshats, you don't owe them anything- quite the opposite. If they are unreasonable cut them loose straight away.

Glad you have your db for moral support Flowers

Original poster
Amy214 · 18/08/2016 20:03

Wherethefucksthefuckingtuna i don't have a partner (i don't have the time atm but would love to meet someone new)
artiface i have never thought of becoming a registered childminder. I'll start looking into that.

OP posts:
Wherethefucksthefuckingtuna · 18/08/2016 20:29

I'll say you don't have the time! Not with those two stealing every moment you have to yourself. I hope you have a lovely holiday and you finally get them out of your life.Flowers

GiBlues · 18/08/2016 20:44

Yanbu!
They're taking advantage of you.
You need to put your foot down and put a stop to the childcare altogether, because there'll come a day when your DD is older and you'll realise how much of her childhood you've missed out on looking after your brother's kids!

Bloody piss takersAngry

ijustwannadance · 18/08/2016 20:58

You already know she won't be going on saturday. She has no interest whatsoever in being a mother to her own children, whilst in effect making you a single mother of 3 under 5.
They must be rolling in cash with all the money they save. Cheeky fuckers. Not even giving you an extra car seat?!

Don't let them bully you anymore OP.

arethereanyleftatall · 18/08/2016 21:07

Op - if you want moral support, you could do it all by email/text rather than face to face verbal, post here what is written, and we can help with your reply.

Please remember that their children are 100% their responsibility, and 0% yours. You are perfectly entitled to just say 'no' and offer no further explanation.
It is they who should be getting their words right to persuade you, you only need to say no.

MoonlightandMusic · 18/08/2016 21:46

Don't know if it helps with your resolve but, in cash terms, if they would have been paying £800 p.m. for professional childminding for the past year then you've saved them roughly £8,400 (subtracting for petrol and the £100 p.m. they've been doling out). If you add in the cost of food and paid days out, then it's probably closer to a saving of £9,500 /£10k a year for them and a loss of at least a thousand in cash for you.

HSMMaCM · 18/08/2016 22:01

They are stealing money from you and your DC. Let them get angry. They couldn't even be bothered giving their own children breakfast lunch and tea. They've stolen money off you and your DC. Shocking behaviour.

Original poster
Amy214 · 18/08/2016 22:03

ijustwannadance i refused to take her eldest dc to nursery as i didn't have the correct car seat and i wasn't keen on using a small booster seat. I bought a seat for her (in my car) and they never reimbursed me. I was looking at dds baby photos and it's scared me how much she's changed in 2 years.

She knows i'm not minding her dc tomorrow and she's getting her df to watch them.
I texted her saying sorry, i can't mind Dniece and Dnephew tomorrow as i want to spend some time with dd before she goes back to playgroup. Her text back was a bit huffy but she said 'fine i'll get my dad to watch them'

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 18/08/2016 22:53

As well as the mental and physical strain, it must've cost you a fortune paying out for 2 extra kids all that time. You get £2.50 per child, per day. Not including weekends/extras. £2.50!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe they even expected you to carry on minding the first once you had your own child to take care of, let alone have another one that they had no intention of looking after.

rollonthesummer · 18/08/2016 22:58

Why did you buy a car seat?! That would have been the perfect opportunity to say-'sorry, I can't transport YOUR child, please find alternative childcare!!'

Blondieblondie · 18/08/2016 23:32

What a pair of absolute horrors Angry Do they even take any annual leave to see their own kids??

Amy, you're obviously a good soul, but please do tell them that this set up is not continuing under any circumstances. They have thoroughly taken you for a ride. I can't believe people behave this way and have the cheek to get arsey when they have to step into the real world.

Good luck and enjoy your time with your DD. You absolutely deserve it Flowers

Original poster
Amy214 · 18/08/2016 23:39

rollonthesummer i realise that now and i have been a fool to let it continue on. My dd has missed out on precious time with her mum and she can't get it back.
It has cost me a lot of money, money that could have been used for holidays/days out with dd. £2.50 a day per child is crazy (i probably spend more than that with electricity, gas, food, petrol)
I don't understand why they had another child. I don't take the youngest in my car another car seat wouldn't fit and i don't want any children in the front. They had the cheek to tell me to get a bigger car 😂 i told them i will be downsizing asap as i will only have me and dd (maximum 3 people) in the car at any given time.

OP posts:
Planty18 · 19/08/2016 01:03

I know this may be a strange approach but could YOU not go to the picnic? And let them look after your dd for once and have some very very very well deserved time out or just have a day to yourself with your dd? It sounds like a nightmare I'm so sorry you are going through this.

WhingyNinja · 19/08/2016 01:19

Oh OP what a lovely person you are, but unfortunately your twat of a brother and his wife are absolute pisstakers! The bloody cheek of them, why did they have 2 kids if they can't be arsed to parent them, at all?

Their poor children, having sorry excuses for parents like that, they will remember you taking good care of them when they're older, not them.

Let your brother get all huffy, he'll get even huffier when he starts living in the real world and not taking advantage of you! Grin

Cloudybutwarm · 19/08/2016 06:48

I have nothing constructive to say, mainly because I'm speechless!!!

Champagneformyrealfriends · 19/08/2016 07:03

You may be breaking the law if you:
care for someone else's child who is under 8 years old for more than two hours a day in their own home or someone else's home (not the child's own home)
are paid to care for someone else's child for more than 14 days a year, irrelevant of their age and aren't registered by Ofsted.
provide care outside of the 'exemption hours' of 6pm - 2am.

Not sure if you've looked into this but I'd definitely use it as a reason to stop being taken advantage of.

HSMMaCM · 19/08/2016 08:19

She's not paid to look after them though. Not at all.

Thattimeofyearagain · 19/08/2016 08:35

This is emotional abusive from your brother. I know its terrifying but please
Stand up to him.

violetbunny · 19/08/2016 08:57

They are showing a callous disregard for your feelings in any of this, so you shouldn't at all feel bad if they get upset or worked up when you tell them you don't want to continue the arrangement. Why should you care how they feel seeing as they're obviously happy for your feelings not to be taken into account at all?

You don't owe them any apology or explanation. Just "This no longer works for me. You'll need to make other arrangements." And repeat. Be strong!

MiddleClassProblem · 19/08/2016 08:59

So glad that your dm and other db are on your side and will support you. Hope you have a wonderful holiday and it takes your mind off it for a bit. Just keep telling yourself how in the wrong they are. No-one else should be worse off for their life choices, financially or emmotianally or physically. Also, read back your posts and see it as if it were written by someone else. That should remind you how outrageous it is.