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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up?

135 replies

Amy214 · 17/08/2016 22:31

Every year me, dm and aunty make plans to go out for the day (all dc included) we do different things every year but we always have a picnic (depending on the weather) we always make an effort to invite SIL but in the 4/5 years that we started doing this she hasn't been once but her dc come with us.
Her dc spend every weekday at my house (8am-4pm) and sometimes they stay overnight at the weekend. Her eldest dd also goes to my aunties once a week (after she has spent the day at my house)
I have my own dd (2 years old and is a bit of a handful)
This year I don't want to take her dc if she isn't coming (i've had them for the full summer holidays) i'm fed up of having her dc every weekend and would love to have time so i can just focus on my dd. I don't mind them being here through the week, its hard to keep them entertained with so little on offer but i manage.
I have asked her twice if she is coming with us and both times she has said she doesn't know and will let me know soon (we are going on saturday)
So WIBU to tell her that i don't want her dc to come unless she makes the effort to actually come with us?

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 18/08/2016 11:39

i had to beg her to take time off so i could take dd to her men b vaccine

No, op. Stop feeling like you are the one who has to ask. You need to say sorry, can't do that day. Done. They are their children and you are the one doing the favour. Don't beg, tell. Use the break of the holiday to not get back into this. Put your DD first like you feel you need to. They can't force you. You are being too nice when really, you do t have to do any of it

ElspethFlashman · 18/08/2016 11:55

Seriously, wtf with the passivity?

Why are you activately letting them piss all over you?

It's not just them that have created this situation - it's you as well.

What do you think is going to happen if you pull the plug? People will think you're a bitch? Your brother will become vicious? Your mother will turn the screw on you?

Original poster

Amy214 · 18/08/2016 11:56

ImperialBlether they had my dd overnight once but they couldn't handle it secretly hoped dd was a pain
I am going to be firmer and tell them i don't want to do it anymore. I have wanted to take dd to lots of different places but put it off because i can't afford to take all 3. And now i am going to do what i want and focus on living my life with dd.

OP posts:

Rainbowunicorn73 · 18/08/2016 11:58

Don't ask, don't beg, just tell them!!!

Have a complete break for a couple of months (to give time to get dd behaviour sorted) then when YOU are ready give them a list of hourly charges and days/times you are prepared to do and stick to your guns.
They are taking you for a ride, you are letting them.
If your db nags ignore him.
Broken record technique, just keep saying.
"Sorry I can't have them, sorry I'm not free, no I can't have your kids" until he gets the message.

NoCapes · 18/08/2016 11:59

What?!
Why OP? Why??

Original poster

Amy214 · 18/08/2016 12:02

ElspethFlashman i'm not going to care what people think when i say no. I will know the truth. I know my brother will be horrible and i am expecting it. I know they will say i am never seeing their dc again. My dm doesn't think its very fair on me and tells me to stop all the time. They know if they are horrible to me i won't answer them (phonecalls/texts)
I understand it will be a horrible few months but if i do it now i won't hate them in the future.

OP posts:

IAmNotAMindReader · 18/08/2016 12:04

You know what you have to do. You just need to wind yourself up to do it and stick to your guns. Each time you cave, you make it harder to say no to them the next time. Be firm now.

Rainbowunicorn73 · 18/08/2016 12:07

Amy don't let them bully you! They won't stop you seeing their dc forever that's an empty threat and you know it. Of corse they'll get arsey because they want you to continue to be their skivvy but be strong

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 18/08/2016 12:08

Of course they'll be annoyed.... You're stopping their virtually free childcare that will cost them 800£!

Please enjoy your life and your kids and tell the freeloader to do one!

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 18/08/2016 12:15

Theyre taking the piss ! Take take take , wheres the give no i would not be doing this at all , if you do want to continue i would suggest telling them exactly how much you want to be paid and if they refuse tell them to send them to a nursery(which would be £50 a day)

ElspethFlashman · 18/08/2016 12:19

Well I am glad your mum will back you.

The holiday sounds like a great opportunity. If you let them know that on return your arrangement will be over, they can't say they had no notice to sort something else out.

paddypants13 · 18/08/2016 12:23

Good grief op. You must tell them you will not do this anymore for your dd and your sanity.

Let them sulk.

FallenStar3 · 18/08/2016 12:41

Sounds like failed to adapt their lifestyle having children, whats worse is they've had a second child. If they take offence and stop you from seeing their dc so be it op you've got to put yourself and your own DDs needs first, they are taking advantage.

Groovee · 18/08/2016 12:54

They live their life while you are the unpaid help. Enjoy your day out. Boo hoo if SIL has to look after her own children for once.

tellyjots · 18/08/2016 13:06

What a pair of cheeky buggers. I'd tell them to do one.

Penfold007 · 18/08/2016 13:22

Take the 'Wipe Here' sign off your forehead. Seriously stop enabling their awful behaviour. Simply tell them that as off (a date that suits - say 1st September) you won't be able to provide child care and stick to that.

Original poster

Amy214 · 18/08/2016 14:39

I won't be doing it anymore.

I'm looking forward to my holiday.

I have told them before if they can't afford a childminder or nursery fees the best thing to do would be for SIL to stop working and be a SAHM (like me) but she doesn't want to do that as she wants a 'break'. Just until the dc are in school full time, they can do after school activities if she has to work late.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 18/08/2016 14:58

What the absolute fuck.

This is insane, it's beyond bonkers.

You don't need to beg, you don't need to apologise.

'Hi sil, I'm not prepared to look after your children any more. Amy'

KC225 · 18/08/2016 15:11

It's good that you are prepared for their nonsense when you tell them 'no' but I think they will try and emotionally blackmail you first. Knowing they are onto a good thing, I think they will offer to up the money maybe to a 150 or even double it to 200. Still well under the going rate for childcare. You must say no and stress it's for your daughter's welfare. Say, she deserves your full attention especially if her father is not around. As I said in my first post, you must be exhausted - 4, 2 & 1. You must have eyes in the back if your head.

It's good that you have the support of your Mother too. All the more ammunition for your corner. I hope you have a great holiday. Let us know how you get on

arethereanyleftatall · 18/08/2016 15:21

I don't get how situations like this unfold; the convo could have gone like this for me
'Can you look after dc today?'
'Sure'
'Can you look after both my dc every day for years with no break for no pay including driving them for 20 miles'
'No'.

How, just how, can it ever be a 'yes' and all parties concerned think that that's normal?

furryminkymoo · 18/08/2016 15:27

You are never going to get this time with your DD back, take it back. Give notice on the end of this arrangement. As for Picnic go along with it but as the last time you do.

tellyjots · 18/08/2016 15:27

The convo could have gone like that. It could also have gone other ways.

Your post is irrelevant anyway as OP is now in the situation

furryminkymoo · 18/08/2016 15:30

Sorry cross posted with your (brilliant) updates. Well done OP. You and your DD come first.

rollonthesummer · 18/08/2016 15:31

Why would you do this? Are they blackmailing you or something? I have zero comprehension of how or why this arrangement ever started?

Tell them to piss off-and get yourself some self respect!

Nocabbageinmyeye · 18/08/2016 15:36

Just when you think you have read it all

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