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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get annoyed when people refuse to acknowledge I have a different surname to my husband??

28 replies

AngrySparrow · 17/08/2016 14:53

When my husband and I got married a couple of years ago I decided to hyphenate my last name with my maiden name-husbands surname but my husband decided not to change his. His parents often refuse to acknowledge that I have a different surname which is frustrating but they do lots of annoying things so I just chalked this up to them being awkward. However, I have noticed that other people do this as well and I have to keep correcting them (and then feel like I am being pedantic). The latest issue is that we are moving house and I have been the one to interact with the estate agents and organise everything on our side. I have filled out numerous forms with my surname and have my surname as part of my email address. Yet when I received the first official and legal document from them today they have got my name wrong and referred to me as Mrs husbands surname (I won't even get into the annoyance I feel as my title is Dr!). AIBU to expect people to get my name right??

OP posts:
ThePinkOcelot · 17/08/2016 14:54

YABU

FuzzyWizard · 17/08/2016 14:55

Yanbu!

VoldysGoneMouldy · 17/08/2016 14:55

YANBU.

JinkxMonsoon · 17/08/2016 14:56

I kept my name and no one in my family axknowledges it. I am Mrs Hisname on birthday cards, etc. I just ignore it because it's less aggro, tbh. I was surprised by the negative feedback I got at the time, though.

Pendu · 17/08/2016 14:56

I think it's easy for people to do - my tutor had a double surname but everyone just used one of the names, even her sometimes. I wouldn't think too much of it. And my mum also uses Dr, is it relevant outside of professional circles? It annoys me when she does it (buying a carpet... Booking a table... I always kind of think of Ross Gellar when she does that)

AStreetcarNamedBob · 17/08/2016 14:57

YANBU!!!

Does my head in

freetrampolineforall · 17/08/2016 14:59

I'd be more annoyed about failing to get the Dr bit right. No problems with what you chose to do but it is not the norm so mistakes will be made. I'm pissed off that all mortgage correspondence to us puts dh name first in capitals and mine second but not in capitals. The irony is that he is hopeless at financial stuff and I take the lead on it.

passingthrough1 · 17/08/2016 14:59

Oh I don't think you're BU at all. Especially with legal documents where they should have checked your name. It's quite an old fashioned assumption.

ToriaPumpkin · 17/08/2016 15:01

YANBU. It's your name, you've told people it's your name, they should use your name! One offs, fair enough, people will make mistakes/assumptions (I actually had a conversation about this last night as my son started school yesterday and a letter came home addressed to Mr & Mrs OurSurname and I asked DH if he thought they made sure to account for any couples in are unmarried/have different names/single parents) but once someone has been told it's at best thoughtless and at worst deliberately antagonistic.

PhotosGinAndALongLieIn · 17/08/2016 15:03

And my mum also uses Dr, is it relevant outside of professional circles?

I think it is. Reverend, Sir, Lady etc all get used, Dr shouldn't be any different imo.

cookiefiend · 17/08/2016 15:04

YANBU. It is not longer "the norm" to take your husbands name and I hate the assumption that you should. Especially when you have told your lawyers- I am a solicitor and it smacks of sloppiness that they cannot get your name right.

Me and DH big double barrelled our names and he is seen as as a hero or a hen pecked loser (mainly by car salesmen) yet I am seen as some kind of militant feminist trying to make a point. It's 2016 FFS. It drives me mad.

PhotosGinAndALongLieIn · 17/08/2016 15:05

Sorry, didn't answer the question - YANBU OP.

Mirandawest · 17/08/2016 15:08

I've recently got married and have double barrelled my old surname with DHs surname. Haven't actually done much changing of surname yet though so haven't had much opportunity for people to use the wrong name. For people in general I don't mind if they call me Mrs DH surname - it's a natural assumption to make.

HeCantBeSerious · 17/08/2016 15:11

I don't use my DH's surname in any context and use only my name. (I don't use Mrs either, which people seem to take issue with. Hmm). Had a fair few cheque said sent to Mr + Mrs Hisname over the years. I've found sending/giving them back with an explanation that there is no bank account in that name because Mrs Hisname doesn't exist did the trick. Wink

HeCantBeSerious · 17/08/2016 15:12

it's a natural assumption to make

Natural? What's natural about it?!

Original poster
AngrySparrow · 17/08/2016 15:12

Thanks for the responses. I normally try and let it slide but have to raise it when it is being used on official documents or when I need my ID to match the name on the document. I also tend to only use Dr in professional contexts or when my ID needs to match the name exactly but it just seems rude that people can't get my name right when they have been told it several times. Grrr!

OP posts:
ComedyWing · 17/08/2016 15:17

Of course yanbu. No one I know took their husband's name - which, frankly, is a completely bizarre thing to do in 2016, imo, but whatever you're having yourself, obviously - and I've been a bit taken aback to have to say to DS's nursery (where I am the person who pays the bills with bank transfers in my name, emails back forms etc from my university email which has my name Dr Initial MyName at the bottom in the signature, and DH is the one who does drop-offs and is the emergency contact, so it's not that they haven't encountered both our names on numerous occasions over a long period of time) that no, I'm not Mrs Husband'sName. Then I got a bill addressed to Miss MyName, as though it was simply inconceivable that a married woman would not use her husband's surname, so we mustn't be married. Grr.

freetrampolineforall · 17/08/2016 15:18

Would've been easier to keep your original surname. Plenty of pals have done this. Also seems unusual that you have double barrelled but dh hasn't.
You're right - a legal document they should get right.

freetrampolineforall · 17/08/2016 15:19

Would've been easier to keep your original surname. Plenty of pals have done this. Also seems unusual that you have double barrelled but dh hasn't.
You're right - a legal document they should get right.

sue51 · 17/08/2016 15:23

I kept my maiden name. It was a bit unusual at the time (35 years ago) andI raised a few eyebrows at first but just keep pointing it out and people get the message. Our kids are DD1 my surname, DD2 Dh's surname. It works for us.

Mirandawest · 17/08/2016 15:25

I've said its a natural assumption for people to make as for the majority of people I know, women have changed their surname to be the same as their husbands when they get married. And so if someone assumes I've done that then I can understand why.

I changed my surname to that of my ex husband when I married him. Then had children who also have that surname. When I got married, my children wanted me to still have the same surname as them and also DH wanted me to have the same surname as him. So I have double barrelled. Thought long and hard about it and this is what I wanted to do.

DH hasn't double barrelled as although he recognises it when I reiterate that the surname I had before was my surname and not my XHs, for him it is still the same surname my XH has. But as both of us are adults, we both made our own decisions about what surnames to have.

HeCantBeSerious · 17/08/2016 15:34

I agree it's an assumption (and we know what they do, don't we) but I see nothing natural in it. Unless you think women should naturally be considered the property of men. Confused

Marynary · 17/08/2016 15:38

I'm a bit confused. Is your last name his surname? Even if you double-barrel it with your maiden name the fact that he doesn't means that many people will just read the last name. Perhaps you should just use your original name as your husband does. I did that and there is rarely confusion although some people assume we're not married.

Original poster
AngrySparrow · 17/08/2016 15:44

Mary nary - I understand that sometimes people will get it wrong or assume that my husband and I share his only surname especially as my name does include his surname. What really annoyed today was that I had been the sole person dealing with the estate agent, had completed all the forms with my name and had been using an email address that includes my surname. When the legal document was sent over, the agent had put it as Mr and Mrs husbands surname which was different from all the information I had provided. And he had put my husbands name first on the document!

OP posts:
BobbinThreadbare123 · 17/08/2016 15:59

I will never be/have been Mrs. I went from Miss to Dr. It infuriates me when I am unable to choose it or someone alters it. I've even had it scribbled out on a form by someone and replaced with Mrs. I prefer Dr because it's nice and neutral and dammit I worked bloody hard for it!!!!! We do share a surname though.

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