ABU to expect food when providing free labour of 15 hours a day for a cousin?

[Flossynoodle123]

Cousin and wife buy a small hotel. I see them once a year maximum. Never lived anywhere near them and have never spoken on the phone until 2 years ago when he asks for advice.
During a call when he asks for legal advice (again) I say I'll "give him a hand" as DC would be with the father when they moved in. He phoned back a week later to book my attendance for the full 2 weeks. I was so taken aback i was rendered speechless. Fortunately completion was delayed so I only had to do 6 days (still WTF frankly).
I arrive at 11 am on Wednesday having driven over 130 miles to get there. Start stripping wallpaper straight away. Not even shown my room, no offer of a drink. I get offered a hot drink after 3 hours.

Wake in the night (in the worst room in the place despite it having 20 percent occupancy. Single bed, not cleaned since takeover, v grim indeed). Kidney infection it turns out. Had to take myself off and get medical care, ended up as a temporary resident at a GP practice and told i was an hour away from being admitted to hospital. Silly me spends the rest of Thursday flat out decorating. I hadn't been offered breakfast (despite them doing full cooked breakfasts for guests). I was made a cup of coffee later that day. I work until 11pm.
From arrival on Wednesday to leaving on Sunday I was not once offered breakfast, was given one sandwich a day (never before 2.30pm) and had only 2 dinners - I was offered a microwave curry one night at 11.15pm as I finished work but declined!
I was never told to help myself. They made no enquiries as to my health and they did't thank me when I left (early!) on Sunday.
I stripped wallpaper, sanded, decorated and lugged about during my summer holiday without DC with a kidney infection whilst sleeping in the smallest single room on earth with no food and a shower so weak I couldn't even wash my hair.
I'm 50 next year so it wasn't easy physically. I feel so upset as I know I've been not just taken for a ride but abused.

My husband left me when DC was days old. Not a call from them let alone help!
I just needed to rant. I know the behaviour is off the scale unacceptable.

I wish I had a mug like me to do all her dirty work!!!
I have slept 18 out of the last 24 hours after getting home as I was so ill.

Flossy - it's not called being nice, it's called putting your own needs last. There's a big difference between being nice and treating yourself as worthless, and it's really important to learn the difference. How about them being nice to you? Hope you feel better. Kidney infections are horrible and leave you shattered. A good friend had one and I took her off for a fortnight to recover. She could barely move. Get lots of rest.

See previous post about not being able to wash hair due to the weakness of the shower.

I'm confused, because that post you refer to here is about an AirBnB place you stayed at and were charged for?

Why is doing what you did labelled "being nice" and "what people do for family"; yet nothing appears to be expected in return?

You are their family, op, what's different about it when it's your turn?
You have serious self esteem issues.

I'm coming at this from a different angle because my mother has a martyr complex the size of a small country, and it's unbelievably wearing.

You are an adult, and thus responsible for your own health and happiness. You set your boundaries. These people are virtual strangers to you, and have no particular investment in your wellbeing. That includes asking for food/acquiring food, taking a break as needed, and saying no when you can't or don't want to do something. Yes, they took advantage of you. But you allowed them to with absolutely no protest. Why?

I feel you are rather passive-aggressive. You didn't ask for three nights stay for you and your son, but you expected to get it. You weren't offered food but you didn't pick your relatives up on this and now you're complaining. Yes, they are horrible people but you've enabled that. You have to take some responsibility.

If you allow people to take advantage of you, don't be surprised if a few people do. These are the sort of users who will be attracted to you.

You said you didn't know them very well, saw them once a year, etc. The reason you are there working like a skivvy, and not the rest the people they encounter the other 364 days of the year, is that you were the one who allowed this to happen.

You really need to break this self-destructive behaviour. The best way to do so is to speak to a GP and see if you can find a therapist who will help you with this.

The H2G2 link was very good but the links are no longer up. Has anyone got any up to date links on online courses/further reading?

OP - I once read something somewhere (TAMBA leaflet, I think ) that was very useful. To be able to look after people you first have to look after yourself. This was in terms of bf/looking after small babies. But it sure does cover everything else!

Give yourself some TLC; have a rest, get well, do a few achievable things to your own house that make your life better, read a bit on assertiveness or find a course for yourself.

Forget the relatives. Politely respond if they offer any thanks for what you have done, but don't get sucked back in.

Save some pennies and go somewhere nice with your DS that you both like for 3 days, even if it is in a tent.

What were the cousins doing in all this? Were they mucking in like mad things as well? A sort of family DIY SOS?

Or were they just sitting back and letting you slave?

I agree that your home/work life and what you manage to achieve there; and your experience with the cousins doesn't tally. And I'm afraid you do come over as a martyr - who in their right minds wouldn't ask for a glass of water, at the very very least? Instead of just piously waiting not to be offered (rinse and repeat for 2 weeks).

You clearly announce you are the skivvy. So why not just as clearly announce you are no longer the skivvy? To yourself and the world at large?

I know someone who has a similar kneejerk reaction - any question asked of him is reacted to like a demand. He doesn't really understand that he has the option to say no if it doesn't suit him. So he's been without money or food because a "friend" asked to borrow money (never repaid of course). But he is young and naive and has some ASD characteristics.

Why did you put yourself through this, after you fell ill with kidney infection, I would have said sorry I am not well, I am leaving and book yourself a hotel for the night or drive back depending on how you feel. Never again!

To clear up any confusion:

1. Of course I helped myself to water and the odd cup of tea. I don't have a death wish.
2. Thanks a bunch to the person who thinks i'm making things up!
3. The shower - I was referring to a previous post on this thread, nothing to do with another thread.

Next time you know exactly what to do

So... have you taken anything from what everyone has said Flossy? (apart from picking up that some posters have got the story wrong)

I wish you were making it up because if not, your self esteem must be on the floor to have put yourself out so much when poorly with no thanks. Anyone would not allow themselves to be so put upon and I have no idea (apart from a lack of self esteem) why you would.

Sorry, my confusion. Seems you don't have an awful lot of luck with showers!

But WHY Flossy, did you allow yourself to be treated like this? Why work until 11pm when you are ill? You obviously felt very badly treated (as indeed you were) so why allow it to continue? It just doesn't make any sense.

Flossy, you need to see a therapist or a counsellor so that you can set up boundaries to ensure you don't let people treat you like this again. Why on earth didn't you say anything? You should be perfectly capable of sorting breakfast and dinner out for yourself - charge it to the room and obviously don't pay it! This is just madness. I can't believe you continued on whilst having a kidney infection, that's just outrageous.

Don't be a martyr and let people push you around.

I'm not defending the relatives at all, but if I was rushed off my feet trying to get a hotel ready I can see maybe forgetting to keep checking that everyone was okay. I would assume that people would help themselves to drink and food, and take breaks as needed.

You do sound passive-aggressive, Flossy, and I might have a clue where it comes from. I (eventually!) understood that, much of the time, I was silently challenging people to think about me. I'd always been the one who came last, was left behind, couldn't have a second helping and wasn't good enough. The only thing I was consistently praised for was helping the others: any cost to myself was ignored.

This set me up to be super-helpful (as it was my reliable source of praise,) and at the same time to really want somebody to say "What about Garlic? Who's taking care of her?" I once turned down a directorship, saying that what I really wanted was more recognition/praise for my contributions. Afterwards, I went into a massive sulk because they didn't offer me a pay rise instead. I hadn't asked for a pay rise.

The answer to "Who's taking care of Garlic?" is "Garlic" If I need help, I ask for it. 90% of the time I don't get it. This shows me the futility of waiting around, slowly steaming, for someone else to pick up the reins of my life. They're mine, even when I don't much want 'em!

Cherlyene, I'll try to find some more assertiveness links later. Unless someone else has good ones? Flossy - please do take some courses. You deserve it :)

There are no brownie points in life for being a martyr.

OP - there is a chapter in Richard Dawkins "The Selfish Gene" that is appropriate here.

It's quite long so I'll paraphrase it for you.

There is a community of birds on an island. They regularly get infested with a parasite that if not removed is fatal.

One group of birds are called Suckers. They will pick the parasites off any bird that asks them.

Another group are the Cheats. They will ask another bird to treat them but fly off before reciprocating.

If these were the only groups on the island then in time the birds would become extinct because the Suckers would end up dying off and the Cheats left alone would follow them.

As such the whim of the colony is dependent on the third group - the Grudgers.

They will treat any bird once. However if that bird is a Cheat and doesn't reciprocate then the Grudger will never treat them again.

They are the ones that keep the colony in balance and determine its ongoing sustainability.

The moral of the tale is its a good thing to be willing to help others - once. However if that effort isn't reciprocated then you cut your losses without guilt or hesitation. Cheats only survive because Suckers let them. Be a Grudger with pride - you're helping save the human race from brass necked assholes. If your a Sucker you are help spawning the fuckers!

www.math.utah.edu/~cherk/teach/3150-12/selfish_gene.pdf

There's a link to the full chapter if you are interested.

I think yabu. They took the piss from the second you got there and yet YOU continued to bend over backwards. You must have known they were taking the piss. You need to work on your confidence and work out why you need to please people to your own detriment.

Nice one Derek

They will treat any bird once. However if that bird is a Cheat and doesn't reciprocate then the Grudger will never treat them again

So the birds knew the iterated prisoners dilemma before game theory got there. (Well maybe not exactly, but they were thinking along similar lines.)

From memory, the prisoners dilemma is this: you and your partner-in-crime are being interrogated in separate rooms. If you both stay silent, you will both get off. If one of you rats on the other first, you will get a short sentence and they will get a long one. So you have to decide whether to trust them, and hope they trust you, or to rat first to guarantee you don't get the worst outcome.

The iterated prisoners dilemma just tracks the result of being in this same situation over and over.

In the 80's (I think) people were invited to submit computer programs to play this game against each other. The winning strategy was the simplest, tit-for-tat. It was to co-operate (say nothing) the first time, then thereafter to do whatever the other person had done the previous time.

I was brought up to turn the other cheek. Jesus was crap at game theory, tit-for-tat works better.

I'm not Derek

Though we did discuss a mutual attraction of hairdryers on one thread