ABU to expect food when providing free labour of 15 hours a day for a cousin?

[Flossynoodle123]

Cousin and wife buy a small hotel. I see them once a year maximum. Never lived anywhere near them and have never spoken on the phone until 2 years ago when he asks for advice.
During a call when he asks for legal advice (again) I say I'll "give him a hand" as DC would be with the father when they moved in. He phoned back a week later to book my attendance for the full 2 weeks. I was so taken aback i was rendered speechless. Fortunately completion was delayed so I only had to do 6 days (still WTF frankly).
I arrive at 11 am on Wednesday having driven over 130 miles to get there. Start stripping wallpaper straight away. Not even shown my room, no offer of a drink. I get offered a hot drink after 3 hours.

Wake in the night (in the worst room in the place despite it having 20 percent occupancy. Single bed, not cleaned since takeover, v grim indeed). Kidney infection it turns out. Had to take myself off and get medical care, ended up as a temporary resident at a GP practice and told i was an hour away from being admitted to hospital. Silly me spends the rest of Thursday flat out decorating. I hadn't been offered breakfast (despite them doing full cooked breakfasts for guests). I was made a cup of coffee later that day. I work until 11pm.
From arrival on Wednesday to leaving on Sunday I was not once offered breakfast, was given one sandwich a day (never before 2.30pm) and had only 2 dinners - I was offered a microwave curry one night at 11.15pm as I finished work but declined!
I was never told to help myself. They made no enquiries as to my health and they did't thank me when I left (early!) on Sunday.
I stripped wallpaper, sanded, decorated and lugged about during my summer holiday without DC with a kidney infection whilst sleeping in the smallest single room on earth with no food and a shower so weak I couldn't even wash my hair.
I'm 50 next year so it wasn't easy physically. I feel so upset as I know I've been not just taken for a ride but abused.

My husband left me when DC was days old. Not a call from them let alone help!
I just needed to rant. I know the behaviour is off the scale unacceptable.

I wish I had a mug like me to do all her dirty work!!!
I have slept 18 out of the last 24 hours after getting home as I was so ill.

Why did you not just say you were going to get something to eat? It would have been nice for them to offer you food as you were helping them out but them not offering shouldn't mean you go without. I think I would have used finding somewhere to get food as an excuse for a break in your situation.

A class or book, on assertiveness would probably help - you need to learn to ask calmly for what you want/need from others, and to learn to say no. They were pretty rude and thoughtless, but I'm sure no one intended to deprive you of fluids, they probably assumed that you'd make yourself at home and help yourself to whatever you needed.

I once had a kidney infection. I stayed on the sofa for about a week, watched Thelma and Louise amongst other rubbish. It was the worst I've ever felt.

You carried on decorating?

You're mad!

If someone comes to my house to do work they are offered a drink upon arrival. Thereafter every 2 hours. I was supposed to be there for 6 days (providing free labour after a 270 mile round trip) and yes I should have left. I have a 7 year old and we can't afford much so, as I was doing it for free, hoped he would say my son and I could stay for 3 nights late summer. No offer. Family get 20% off apparently (but none would ever stay in that sort of place) Commercial rate for the work i provided £1,000. Woo hoo - only £56 instead of £70 in a place we would never dream of staying in.

Oh, bless you Flossy. Take good care of yourself, kidney infections are nasty!

I used to be like you. Trained to it by my weird family. Very bad things happened eventually, all because I hadn't learned I wasn't put on this Earth to please/serve everyone else. I didn't know that I'm as important as everybody else.

I did an assertiveness course - several, actually. I learned to say No. I learned to pause before answering any request, and to think about what it means for me. If I can't make my mind up straight away, I say so. I will not be pushed.

Get yourself healthy, learn your worth and your basic rights, and invoice the damn cousin! All right, they won't pay but you'll feel better for stating your value :)

Your Assertive Rights

hoped he would say my son and I could stay for 3 nights late summer

Oh, my goodness, then ask! No, tell him. And make it a week, full board. Do, please, specify that this is the least they can do in view of the £££ free labour you supplied and their utter lack of concern for your illness.

What garlic said. Don't wait for them to offer. they won't Ask!

you were absolutely taken advantage of - these people are horrible. Don't stay in touch with them. They are not nice.

You did it and now you need to let it go.

But i think you should find someone you can talk to about why you didn't just say no, at the beginning and at every step along the way. I suspect it has a lot to do with how you were reared and what values your family had.

Dh and I are almost in our 50s and we are finding more and more that we need to reflect on what was taught us by our parents and start to question our reflexive responses.

But in short. Flossy, you were taken for a ride by these freeloaders and you should have nothing to do with them ever again. And also if you are ever in a similar situation and you feel the word YES coming out of your mouth, pretend you are sick, remove yourself from the situation and get someone to help you to say no.

But it would be better if you learned to say no by yourself.

Also maybe think what behaviour you are modeling for your child.

hoped he would say my son and I could stay for 3 nights late summer. No offer.

--

Please ask outright. I hope I am right in saying they will not dare refuse given the circumstances. I suspect I may not be though, which makes me even madder/sadder.

The place was so horrible we wouldn't stay anyway. Camping would be more luxurious than the place they bought. See previous post about not being able to wash hair due to the weakness of the shower. Even getting soap off was laborious. Each poo and floated for 5 flushes!

Oh right, I seem to have missed a few posts. Honestly, do you get anything from the 'relationship' with them? Besides stress? The assertiveness course sounds a good idea. It takes a lot to imagine myself in a similar situation, however I really do think I would 'cut them off' after this experience, family or no family. They clearly do not appreciate you and I know thats hard to hear but you are better without people in your life who make you feel shit about yourself, which these people clearly have done.

Please speak with a therapist/counsellor as soon as possible about this. It's distressing to read how you were treated. Hopefully, they will be able to help you avoid similar situations in the future.

Please speak with a therapist/counsellor as soon as possible about this. It's distressing to read how you were treated. Hopefully, they will be able to help you avoid similar situations in the future.

This completely. It is really odd to me that you "hoped he would say my son and I could stay for 3 nights late summer".

After what happened to you, you should want nothing more to do with these awful people. You shouldn't want to stay in their awful place so they can then strongarm you for more work,.

Seriously, I think you need a bit of help from a therapist. and I don't say this as a bad thing. I need a bit of help from a therapist/counsellor. Most people I know do. I think you do.

Meanwhile, here's that assertiveness link again. It's the best primer I've seen :)

I had my Assertive Rights pinned to the inside of a kitchen cabinet for three years!

Flossy,
I'm sorry that they treated you so badly.
However,we all make choices in life and it was your choice to stay in this awful situation.
You have posted on here, I take it for support and advice and my advice to you would be to maybe talk to your GP about what happened and ask to be referred to a therapist.
Good luck .

I would have left after I realised that they weren't even going to feed me. You really do need to up your boundaries, you can still be nice, in fact it would be dreadful if you lost that lovely side of your character, but you need boundaries.

Floss I am sorry this has happened to you. You sound like a giving person (I am too) for whatever reason which is a wonderful trait to have but unfortunately this world is increasingly full of takers who will see what they will get away with and can get for free. I hate the thought too. It's entirely possible though that they thought you were happy, didn't realise you weren't eating and didn't realise the impact the kidney infection had on you. Sometimes you just have to spell it out for people.

Ps. I have learned to plan out whose providing food etc etc and never assume. Maybe next time "ok I'll help but I'll have a few nights freebie". I appreciate you wouldn't stay there now so how about a text saying 'you're welcome for the X days free labour by the way!'

You really need to be more assertive. At mealtimes you should have asked or just told them you're going to get something to eat. Tbh I would have gone home once diagnosed as kidney infections are grim.

It's not called being nice, it's called being a mug and doormat. Seriously you need to seek help for this.
You had a kidney infection, and put your health at risk all for what? To please other people?
You should have asked for food, I would think a grown woman of almost 50 would be capable of that. Not waiting around to be asked and then getting hurt if she's not. You allowed these people to treat you this way.

Yes they took advantage of you but also as and adult you have a duty of care to look after yourself - so you should have made sure you had food, drink and certainly not have worked those hours or with a kidney infection.

If I have trades working for me I expect to be charged for the work (when asked you should have given a cost up front) and also expect them to sort out their own food and drink. Yes I offer - but it's their responsibility. Doesn't matter whether it's family, friend or someone I've never met.

I don't mean to sound harsh but you need to take responsibility for your failure to look after yourself in this situation and learn from it to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I'd be upset too, as much upset with myself for allowing them to treat me so badly. I believe you can't make people behave how you'd like but you DO have control in how you respond to their shitty behaviour towards you.

If you want to take anything good from this horrible episode then take it as a cue to get some therapy or assertiveness training to avoid it happening again in the future.

you were absolutely taken advantage of - these people are horrible.

are they though? OP, you never asked for a drink. Never asked for food. Worked through your kidney infection. Never asked for accommodation for a future holiday.

Maybe they just thought you were a trooper.

Hope you have learned your lesson.

Sorry you have been so ill.

This is indeed bizarre. You could have and should have said no the minute cousin 'booked you for 2 weeks'! It's not being kind it's being a mug. 'Oh no so sorry I didn't realise you meant for a whole two weeks, I can help for a day or two' or even 'If you want proper two week labouring, I'm going to have to ask for a fee, I hope you understand that'.

I think most of us understand wanting to help those in need and do so, plus most of us have gone above and beyond and maybe resented that but this is beyond the pale!

You really must explore why you allowed yourself to be used in this way.

"I have a 7 year old and we can't afford much so, as I was doing it for free, hoped he would say my son and I could stay"

Then ask this. "I can help you for two days, in return I'd like to stay next summer with DS"

Stop working earlier than 11pm.

Ask for breakfast when you saw it being cooked.

Ask if you could change room as they weren't busy.

Take responsibility for your own well being.