ABU to expect food when providing free labour of 15 hours a day for a cousin?

[Flossynoodle123]

Cousin and wife buy a small hotel. I see them once a year maximum. Never lived anywhere near them and have never spoken on the phone until 2 years ago when he asks for advice.
During a call when he asks for legal advice (again) I say I'll "give him a hand" as DC would be with the father when they moved in. He phoned back a week later to book my attendance for the full 2 weeks. I was so taken aback i was rendered speechless. Fortunately completion was delayed so I only had to do 6 days (still WTF frankly).
I arrive at 11 am on Wednesday having driven over 130 miles to get there. Start stripping wallpaper straight away. Not even shown my room, no offer of a drink. I get offered a hot drink after 3 hours.

Wake in the night (in the worst room in the place despite it having 20 percent occupancy. Single bed, not cleaned since takeover, v grim indeed). Kidney infection it turns out. Had to take myself off and get medical care, ended up as a temporary resident at a GP practice and told i was an hour away from being admitted to hospital. Silly me spends the rest of Thursday flat out decorating. I hadn't been offered breakfast (despite them doing full cooked breakfasts for guests). I was made a cup of coffee later that day. I work until 11pm.
From arrival on Wednesday to leaving on Sunday I was not once offered breakfast, was given one sandwich a day (never before 2.30pm) and had only 2 dinners - I was offered a microwave curry one night at 11.15pm as I finished work but declined!
I was never told to help myself. They made no enquiries as to my health and they did't thank me when I left (early!) on Sunday.
I stripped wallpaper, sanded, decorated and lugged about during my summer holiday without DC with a kidney infection whilst sleeping in the smallest single room on earth with no food and a shower so weak I couldn't even wash my hair.
I'm 50 next year so it wasn't easy physically. I feel so upset as I know I've been not just taken for a ride but abused.

My husband left me when DC was days old. Not a call from them let alone help!
I just needed to rant. I know the behaviour is off the scale unacceptable.

I wish I had a mug like me to do all her dirty work!!!
I have slept 18 out of the last 24 hours after getting home as I was so ill.

I really feel for you Flossy. These people are shits and you are left feeling like shit because you spent 6 days with shits.

Positive vibes:
You never have to do that again!
You never have to see them again!

The next time someone says something that 'renders you speechless', you should remember yourself with a kidney infection stripping wallpaper without having been offered a drink and say I CAN'T DO THAT, WHAT WILL YOU DO INSTEAD?

It sounds as if as a single parent you have had to be there for your child 24/7 for ?years. You had no choice, unlike your XH who decided he would walk out because life. It sounds as if you have reached a point where you feel a day without your children is you being 'available'. It's not. It's essential holiday time. I would book it into the calendar 'Day At Home, don't book anything'.

" it's ingrained to help "family"."
You're their family. They clearly don't feel the same.

You're mad that your carried on. Send these piss taking sods an invoice!

Is this for real? Surely nobody would accept this sort of treatment? If you feel obliged to do things for people because they are 'family' then you need to treat them like family and tell them when you're hungry, tired, ill, in need of clean bedding etc?

This is one of the most bizarre posts I've ever seen!

But - family innit? Despite me hardly knowing them it's ingrained to help "family"

Is your surname Mitchell and do you live on Albert Square? Why on earth would you do all that for a couple of pisstaking sods just coz they're family? You sound like a bit of a martyr actually.

I hope you find help, I do know a couple of people who are as lovely as you are, and can't stand when they are being abused. Thankfully they have support around them who put their foot down!

Maybe try to think about your son: what would you say if he was treated that way? If you think it's wrong, then you have to say no for yourself. It's ok to say no. Real friends and family wouldn't expect too much from you, and allowing others to make ridiculous demands doesn't mean they will return any favour.

The agrument that it's family or he's your dad etc etc doesn't really hold up in the face of neglect or abuse. Fred West was someone's father, someone's family. If you wouldn't accept a behaviour from an acquaintance, think carefully about whether/why you'd accept it from family. Though tbh I think your definition of being nice is not the same as mine. There's being nice and being a mug. You wouldn't treat someone like that so if someone treats you badly, address it or walk away.

Family means nothing if it means you lose your self respect and accept being treated badly.
Please never ever do this again. No one respects a people pleaser .

He phoned back a week later to book my attendance for the full 2 weeks. I was so taken aback i was rendered speechless

This from your first post.

Why why why why would you say yes, go along and do all you did whilst you were ill and not say no? If you were speechless at the audacity of them, why couldn't you carry through your shock at their cheek, and question them some more?

It's nothing to do with being nice. I do lots for friends and family. I don't do stuff for others that to me is taking the piss. Why didn't you ask for food and a drink? Why didn't you say you wanted a better room? Why, when you left, didn't you say you did expect some thanks? Why, before you agreed to do this, didn't you ask for some sort of recompense or the opportunity of a few days away with your DC? Why didn't you go home after being diagnosed with a kidney infection?

I think you need to work on your self esteem. Its no good doing all this then complaining afterwards, you have to set boundaries for people who are inclined to take advantage.

Well you were massively taken advantage of but by god OP, grow a back bone!!!

No it's not being nice at all, it's setting yourself up for getting taken advantage of. People like that aren't "odd" - people who abuse and use others are surprisingly common and they only get away with it at times if people let them.

I think your biggest mistake was offering to give them a hand when they moved in just because you were free of DC that week.
Another mistake was not leaving after a day or two or after you got ill.
And not drinking enough to keep yourself healthy.(You could have had your own bottle of water or surely got a cup of water to drink?)

Seriously as an exercise in self care and assertiveness have a think about what you might have done differently to take better care of yourself.

And next time you have some time and energy make your own choices about how to use them for your own and others benefit.

OP your cousins are pisstakers but you are very very bad at self care. Perhaps your cousins were oblivious and thought you were happy because at no point did you ask?

It's your responsibility to decide how man days you can devote to helping distant relatives, stop work at a sensible hour, drink enough to stop yourself getting kidney infections, down tools or go home when you are ill, say you want a cooked breakfast, negotiate terms - I can help for two weeks in return for a free holiday, and so on.

You sound absolutely lovely but you also set yourself up to be walked over. You need to think about how you self care and get some counselling about this as I suspect not all your family are shits but your behaviour 'it's family innit' actually brings out the worst in them.

It's called being nice. That's why i didn't leave. I have never let anyone down in my life. Also, when you are used to being the family skivvy you get used to it. That's not "odd" - what is odd is people who abuse decency and kindness. My "odd" behaviour has rendered me upset and depressed so maybe I should just refuse to help people. I hope I don't end up that way

OP that was really not being nice, going along was the nice bit but you should have left when you realised you weren't going to get fed and weren't going to ask or sort yourself out.

Starving and dehydrating yourself is not being nice, if you think it is then yes I would say start refusing to help people.

I have absolutely no idea how you physically managed all that with a kidney infection

They weren't very accommodating no but they didn't enslave you. I presume you were free to leave/get food/drink at any time.

Regarding the bit gamerchick highlighted. You say maybe you should just refuse to help but you don't want to end up that way.

So are you saying you want to carry on being "the family skivvy" as you put it? You are happy with this?

Obviously not, or you wouldn't have posted. Forget the being nice bit. It's not "nice", it's actually just plain daft. Would these relatives come and redecorate your house for free and barely any food for 2 weeks?

Thought not.

It's called being nice. That's why i didn't leave. I have never let anyone down in my life

Users see this about you a mile off and take advantage. I know what that's like. I have stopped trying to be a fixer and making everyone's dreams but mine come true.

Also, when you are used to being the family skivvy you get used to it

If you've been brought up in a "Cinderella" role you maybe see it as your identity to behave like this and don't think you have the same rights as others. It's probably very ingrained.

Please do an assertiveness course to change this. The next half of your life will be so different, I promise you

That's not "odd" - what is odd is people who abuse decency and kindness

It's not "odd" to be kind, but it is is becoming very rare to just give of yourself this way. Users use - they can't help themselves, but you can have boundaries to protect yourself.

My "odd" behaviour has rendered me upset and depressed so maybe I should just refuse to help people. I hope I don't end up that way

Save your help for the deserving in the future. There's won't be many! If you have a real helping nature and have spare time, volunteer at a charity.

Good luck on turning this around

They totally took advantage of your very kind nature.
It's hard with family and often, you put up with far more than you would with non family.
In this though, if I had been you, I would have left with the kidney infection and said you were sorry but couldn't stay.

Oh well, you'll know for future that they were taking the piss and you know not to be available to help if they ever ask again. Hope you feel better soon.

.

Expect people may turn on you when you won't do their bidding any more. They are just trying to get you back under control. So ignore it!

I find it utterly incomprehensible that you didn't ASK for some breakfast/lunch etc.
I get that you think you should work yourself into the ground to avoid pissing off random relatives who barely know your name, because they're "faaaaamly" - but why in the name of God would you starve yourself over it as well?

Unless you have a highly developed martyr complex, and enjoy putting yourself through these privations so you can complain about it afterwards, then you seriously need counselling/therapy/assertiveness training.

You don't get brownie points for being everybody's dogsbody, far from it. You get more expectation, lack of respect and consideration, and nobody thinks about you until they want something from you.

If you can't bear to change for your own wellbeing, then consider doing so for your son's benefit - otherwise he'll either end up being one of the people who use and abuse you, or he'll copy your example and end up being used and abused himself. NEITHER of which is a good outcome for him.

Dehydration probably had a lot to do with your kidney infection...it certainly wouldn't have helped it.

Lesson learned? Be more assertive. It's bloody hard when you've spent a life time being a people pleaser. But it's actually easy to say 'no' or 'I'm ill, I can't do this'. It's hard because you are afraid of what they might say/do if you say 'no'. But what's the worst that can happen? Them shouting? Does it trigger something from your childhood when a parent shouted/was aggressive? You aren't so little anymore, so what was terrifying then will be upsetting but you can shrug your shoulders and wave goodbye to them.

you had a rubbish time. But maybe, just maybe, this can be the incident that makes you stop and re-evaluate how and why you get into these situations.
YY PPs are right and you could have stopped at any time but for some reason you didn't. You didn't even ask for food.

I feel sorry that this has happened but you have to accept some responsibility for this or this will happen again.

Are you quite sure you haven't built this up in your head to be worse than it actually was. It sounds horrendous and clearly you have every right to be angry and more that a little bitter about it but it does seem odd when you mention other areas of your life.

People you barely know book your two weeks holiday and you say nothing. You are 50 years old, you could have said I can do three days or a week max as I have other plans.

The other stuff I find bizarre, they put you to work straight away. You couldn't say. I have been driving a long way I rest and a drink. You didn't ask when are WE having dinner? You couldn't ask for clean sheets as the bed hasn't been changed. You couldn't say, that's it now I'm taking a break going for a walk etc. You went back after being ill and in pain. And you claim they didn't even say thank you. How would they not even say thank you? Did you leave without seeing them?

You say you are professional woman who can charge professional fees and you are a mature, single parent all of which demand a high degree of organisation, work and standing your ground, yet you let these virtual strangers walk all over you.

I agree with the other posters that IF this happened the way it reads then you perhaps need some kind of assertiveness training. You had no need to renovate their home, they'd already had your professional services for free. You should secured the promise of a holiday next year (although you no want it) before going there.

Has this happened to you before? Not with this couple but in other situations. What do the rest of your family say about it?

So what are you going to say next time he calls to ask for your help? Honestly?

I think you need some help with boundaries and being assertive pretty quick, before you land up serving breakfast and changing beds over the Christmas break.