To think MIL’s comments during my pregnancy are horribly inappropriate?

[IsThisYourSanderling]

After three gruelling years of infertility, I’m due my first baby in six weeks’ time, and throughout my pregnancy MIL has been making comments about things going wrong. Today she noticed via Instagram that we’ve bought a cot, and texted to say that she thinks it’s wrong to buy big things in advance, in case something bad happens. She said the same when we were visiting her a month ago – that we were ‘brave’ to have bought things, because something might still happen. These hints about the possibility of a stillbirth feel horribly inappropriate and insensitive, especially as the due date is approaching. I got a bit upset about it this evening.

It goes further back too. She visited us when I was 13 weeks pregnant, and treated me to detailed stories of everyone she’s ever known who either had a stillbirth, a miscarriage, or themselves almost died in childbirth. It was barrel-scraping stuff – her neighbour’s cousin’s bridesmaid, that sort of thing. I did ask her to stop, but she smiled and carried on.

Before that, when we told her I was pregnant at about 6 weeks, her first response was to tell us not to get excited because my endometriosis means I have a ‘toxic womb’.

She has four healthy children and has never experienced a miscarriage (she told me it had never happened to her while regaling me with tales of others’ losses), so it’s not that she’s over-anxious based any losses of her own. She also has five healthy grandchildren. My own pregnancy has been healthy throughout, thankfully.

I just don’t get it. How normal is this sort of behaviour? Has anyone else experienced it, and did you just brush it off in the end?

I think she is probably trying to prepare you for the worst. She seems anxious about it and is scared of something going wrong and devastating yourselves. Yes very misguided but perhaps projecting her own fears onto you?

That is dreadful. I became pregnant last year after years of infertility and felt very anxious about the pregnancy and couldn't have coped with hearing such comments. Oh and BTW my baby was absolutely fine! Oh and a toxic womb, that is ludicrous. Noone has a toxic womb!. You and your baby will be absolutely fine. Hang in there, your MIL is talking nonsense and if I were you I'd stay away from her for a while and focus on getting ready for your lovely healthy baby to arrive.

Silly woman, you can't leave buying a cot, pushchair etc til after the baby is here!

We never bought a cot. DC each used our vintage family cot, but not until they were between 5 and 7 months old before they spent even a minute in it. We didn't decorate or put the cot together before they arrived. We bought an extra wardrobe and built that but that was it. Bought the pram a month before but didn't collect it till first DC had arrived safely.

Also told the inlaws throughout the pregnancy that they would have to stay down the road in a hotel. They agreed, but when it came to it they refused to come if they couldn't stay with us (a week after a traumatic delivery). It destroyed any last bit of respect I had for them to be honest.

I had loads of these comments when pregnant too, my best friend just had a baby and even she did it to me with the horrible stories, some people just don't think.

I always say "well, if that happened to them, that lessens the odds of it happening to me!". That shuts them up, but I wonder if some people even realise they are doing it?

One woman at work had nothing got for her baby and had to get it all on the way home from hospital, that to me is just beyond crazy, I needed to be organised.

Sorry I will get to the point, don't let her stay with you! after having a baby, you can be really really vulnerable, and every word gets in. Do not let her stay with you. She will upset you. So fight your battles now and arrange for her to NOT STAY WITH YOU WHEN THE BABY ARRIVES.

No, it is very not normal! Even if you did happen to know someone who had a tragic event happen, you keep it to yourself. Not go telling another pregnant woman!

Congratulations on the birth...

I would not even offer the home..

This is the best hotel near by , we send you the details for you to book your room?

Happened to us too (not mil, someone else and us too) but tbh something in the family happened which is very rare which makes it more understandable. I never expected to carry to term but im craddling a warm, well fed sleepy 3 week now. Bad things can happen but luckily they vvv rare. Just enjoy your pregnancy and look forward to cuddling your new born vvvv soon. I can tell you its a love like no other and the cuddles are so amazing theres no words to describe it. Congratulations. Just rest these last few weeks (ive learnt people are right about the lack of sleep) and let people spoil you! General public in the last few weeks were amazing helpful with seats, picking things (m&s double chocolate swiss roll on the bottom shelf) etc. Dh and i went to restaurants in the last weeks we always wanted to visit thinking we couldnt go for ages. As it turned out she comes with us now! Its a very speciAl time just before, you worried but vvv excited.

Agree with others though maybe shes trying to protect you.

Anyway congratulations xxx

Sorry meant to say congratulations on pregnancy...

Thanks all. Good excuse there with the co-sleeping ThumbWitches, but I can only imagine the shit she'd spray at us if she thought we were co-sleeping in bed. It's not her business, but she would bring it up constantly given her obvious obsession with the baby dying and morbid dramatisations. Not an argument I really want to have for the next X amount of years.

Mumberjack I'm so sorry for your loss

I probably should have said that when I saw MIL's text to DH with her familiar line of 'why are you buying a cot now, something might happen', I drafted a reply that said 'These hints at the possibility of a stillbirth are unpleasant, we are only six weeks from the due date, please stop. It's normal to have a cot before the birth.' I suggested he send it but he thought it was too much and would make her angry. He changed it to something like 'We wanted to buy a cot as we're close to the due date now and everything is going fine'.

He did bring it up on the phone with her later as well, so it's ok I think. But yeah, there was a moment there when the family need to 'not upset MIL' was put before a) telling her to stop and b) allowing me to have a natural reaction to her comments. So people are right: he does need to get tougher still. It's hard to break the survival mechanisms of a lifetime, I suppose.

I think she is probably trying to prepare you for the worst. She seems anxious about it and is scared of something going wrong and devastating yourselves. Yes very misguided but perhaps projecting her own fears onto you?

I know it is very insensitive and not helpful for you at all (and she should definitely be told to stop) but she sounds very anxious and this is her way of dealing with it?

your baby will be gorgeous healthy and loved

I had one very difficult pregnancy and spent the majority of it as an inpatient in an antenatal ward. I saw lots of things that gave me a rather skewed view on pregnancy. I am now a "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" type of person. The above statement would make me cringe inwardly. Of course your baby will be gorgeous to you and loved but unfortunately there are never any "healthy" guarantees. I don't say that to pregnant people obviously but it seems your MIL is unable to not vocalize her anxieties.

Yes, his response to his mother was appeasing. This is a big deal IMO and he needs to start to prioritise you and your feelings above his difficult mother's.

Anxiety is no excuse to behave like this MiL (I have an anxiety disorder myself). She also has a history of being difficult and "no boundaries", which I interpret as, for example, interfering, negative comments. Her son walks on eggshells in fear of her reactions.

Of course it's best to be kind to anxious people.
But if you absolutely have to, one of the ways to stop her comments is to play along, agreeing and exaggerating her concerns.
So when she's expressing concerns about the birth, genuinely ask her advice, if you should prepare the will and sort out any paperwork.. Her voiced anxiety would shut her up for a bit.

Completely agree with Dozer. First rule of anxiety is not to take it out on other people. And telling horror stories to a pregnant woman is off the scale.

Someone should just tell the woman straight. What she is doing is disgraceful & completely out of order but unless someone calls her out on it she will just carry on.

Yes, I have had an anxiety disorder too in the past, but somehow never felt the need to terrify other people with it. She did something similar to me before I was pregnant, which back then seemed like a one off - I'm a nervous flyer and had to fly back home the next day. I mentioned my fear of flying over a glass of wine and BIL's house that evening, and she seized the opportunity to tell the story of the time her other son's plane got into difficulties and 'was falling out of the sky' (she said this phrase loudly and repeatedly) for some time as everyone screamed. Thanks for that

Someone mentioned the surgery comparison and that's spot on. If DH was scheduled to have surgery in six weeks time, would she say 'Don't buy yourself anything between now and then, as you might not survive'? Because that's basically what she's saying about our baby here.

A friend has a mother a bit like this, eg on friend mentioning a first "blind" date with a friend of a friend her mother said "perhaps he's a serial killer"!

Over the years it's become a joke!

I'm your mils age and wouldn't dream of this kind of morbid behaviour. With my first a very long time ago when I went into labour and phoned for an ambulance ( normal when in a very rural area with few cars) they sent a volunteer ambulance. The hour trip to hospital was filled happily with " deaths I have known in childbirth and maimings I have known in childbirth" Nice.

Your DH definitely has some work to do. As people often say, you have a DH problem and not just a MIL problem if he won't stick up to her. He absolutely must put your needs (and the baby's needs) above his impulse to appease his mother. It sounds as if he's working on it but he's still in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

First of all congratulations on your pregnancy.

I just don’t get it. How normal is this sort of behaviour? Has anyone else experienced it, and did you just brush it off in the end?

It's not normal and she's got a screw or 2 loose.

The only thing I would say, is after her previous negativity and pessimism, I wouldn't have told her about the pregnancy until very very late or she'd just get a call from the hospital letting her know she's a Grandma.

She's got no business being so horrible at all.

I'd also block her on instagram and other social media.

"The way she was brought up" bollox excuse.

She may have been brought up to be an insensitive cowbag but she doesn't have to choose to keep being one.

You and your DH do need to tell her she is upsetting you and there for the baby. If she doesn't stop she will not be welcome at your house

I think your reply was perfect and I'm saddened that your DH feels he needs to tone things down.
When you are being stressed so is the baby. Point that out to him.

She is making YOUR pregnancy all about HER!

Does your mil have a life or she just miserable all the time tell her to get a hobby to cheer herself up.

If you make any plans to visit bil I would tell him not to tell mil so you can spend time with bil and family. She sounds like a fruit cake.

My partner don't talk to his mother because she is horrible and so is his sister. I wont go into the details but if mil wanted to split you two up it would be a harsh lesson to learn. Why do you and your dh have to say anything to her your not giving this woman any time to think about what she is doing. Its your dh fault for not blanking her would you allow someone on the street to talk to you like that you would run the opposite direction. Your giving her an audience to treat you like that. If your dh wants to visit his mother then tell him to go on his own she will only upset you.

I have been with my partner for 14 years and I have never met his mother I have spoken to her on the phone. He is protecting me and there have been times when he visited his family they would be bitchy and nasty to each other. Now he doesn't bother with them. You have to think about your health and no amount of talking will change her. You need to make a decision to put up with it or not to put up with it. Once the baby comes your not going to want to sit with a miserable woman when you are suffering from sleep deprivation. You may crack and tell her a few home truths which is what she needs.

There is nothing wrong with buying a cot I bought my sons 3 months before the due date. You have a lot of patience to listen to nonsense.