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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my friend to stay out of it?

39 replies

TheSilverChair · 14/08/2016 12:03

DF is grandmother to 2 DCs whose parents are divorced and who share custody 50/50, more or less. It's as amicable as it can be and both parents have remarried. The custody isn't set in stone and each accommodates the other as necessary.

DCs are 11 and 13. They have been with my DF for some days over the holidays, as they usually are. They are very close and she's a loving granny.

The elder DC confided last week that he's sick of not having a "proper home". He doesn't want to keep moving every week and wants to live in one place, he doesn't mind which. He says his sister feels the same way. DF told him he should talk to his DPs but he says he daren't.

DF is wondering if she should say something but I've advised her to stay out of it for now and wait to see if DGS plucks up the courage to talk to a parents.

AIBU to tell her to leave well alone?

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/08/2016 12:05

It's up to her to decide what to do based on her relationship with her DC and GC.

monkeywithacowface · 14/08/2016 12:08

YABU she's his grandparent and there are plenty of ways for her to help him broach the subject with his parents without offering her own opinion on the matter.

WhatTheActualFugg · 14/08/2016 12:08

Yes, YABU to tell her to stay out.

Her DGS has confided in his DGM in the hope she will help him solve his problems. To take that confidence and do nothing with it would be awful.

Jizzomelette · 14/08/2016 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justilou · 14/08/2016 12:10

Even if she discuss this with the parents, what's going to change? They're not all going to move in with each other to provide this kind of thing. Sounds like the kids have a great example to follow - they are so lucky that the adults are reasonable and get along relatively well and have stable new relationships.

Jizzomelette · 14/08/2016 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatTheActualFugg · 14/08/2016 12:17

Just the DGC wants to live in one house. Not moving every week or every few days. I'm sure any resonable and loving parent would be devastated to learn their split family arrangements were making their DC unhappy and would seek to resolve the issue, no matter how heart breaking or inconvenient or awkward it would be for themselves.

Waltermittythesequel · 14/08/2016 12:21

It's unfair to be moving dc every bloody week!

She is their grandmother and as such as the right to speak up when a child has spoken to her of his concerns.

WhatTheActualFugg · 14/08/2016 12:42

OP I sincerely hope you're going to tell your friend you were wrong to suggest she stay out of it.

Poor little DGS Sad

DoJo · 14/08/2016 12:43

AIBU to tell her to leave well alone?

Where is the 'well' here? There are two unhappy children who have confided in a trusted adult in the hope of improving their situation - why on earth would you tell her not to try and help them to achieve a more workable solution to their living arrangements?

Original poster
TheSilverChair · 14/08/2016 12:59

I accept I'm probably being U but I think she should give the DC time to raise it themselves. I'm worried about her being caught up in a row and losing the loving relationship she has with them, her DS, their father and he ex DiL.

She's the sort to go in like a train and subtlety is not in her make up.

OP posts:
WhatTheActualFugg · 14/08/2016 13:05

But the DGS has already said he doesn't want to mention it to his parents. And anyway, he may not have the maturity to explain himself so that his parents take him seriously.

He's trusted her to help. She needs to honour that trust.

It sounds like if you want to help your DF the best thing you can do is help her work out how to tell the parents.

Jizzomelette · 14/08/2016 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alltouchedout · 14/08/2016 13:21

If I was one of the patents in that situation I'd want to know that the arrangements weren't working for the dc. The parents probably think all is well- how can they know otherwise is no one tells them?

JenLindley · 14/08/2016 13:22

This child has reached out to a trusted adult for help. She needs to do that. He is asking her to do something. He wasn't just making conversation. She needs to be his voice here.

Skittlesss · 14/08/2016 13:26

She needs to help them. I would be so upset and confused if one of my children was unhappy, didn't dare bring it up and had confided in my mum who then decided to not try help.

DeadGood · 14/08/2016 13:36

I mean this kindly, but I think maybe you are the one who needs to stay out of it.

Think it's really sad when people ignore children when they ask for help.

Foslady · 14/08/2016 13:39

Maybe she should ask the children how they want to proceed?

EverySongbirdSays · 14/08/2016 13:44

YABU

Her grandson has turned to her for help. He obviously has an idea of which parent he'd rather live with which means hurting the other and has turned to another "trusted grownup"

Advising her to withdraw is the worst advice possible and can only be to his detriment.

I don't like your reasoning for it either to be honest, what outsiders believe is and isn't "in someone's makeup" can often be woefully misplaced.

Cocochoco · 14/08/2016 13:44

50:50 arrangements are common now but it's obvious they work better for the parents than the kids. My parents had a 30:70 arrangement for us and that was okay - just. As you get older you just don't want to cart things from one home to the other - my mum frequently had to bring us things we had forgotten and I remember running out of underwear etc at my dad's.

Of course the friend should tell her son (kindly) what his ds is saying.

Ginkypig · 14/08/2016 13:55

Just what I was going to say foslady

If the kids want granny to have a word with parents then she should.

They might be worried about upsetting the parents and don't want to get them angry at them or each other or spark a fight over custody because of that they might feel they need an adult to help them talk to their parents.

As caring parents they should try to get an arrangement that is best for the children.

My sister decided when she started high school she wanted to live with her (our) dad, he lived in a town about an hour away so it would have meant a massive change and a new school.
my mum and dad made this possible because despite what they esp mum wanted it wasn't about them!

Ginkypig · 14/08/2016 13:58

Befor her asking that we were in a

Mums at week dads every weekend and holidays.

After they swapped it round.

It did mean we saw less of each other but actually it meant we got on great as we didn't have the sibling bickering

Original poster
TheSilverChair · 14/08/2016 14:27

My fear is that she will go steaming in. It's what she does.

She encouraged DGS to try to talk to his DPs. They will be with her again this week so I'm sure she'll raise the subject. The reason she spoke to me about it is because I know the DCs and her DS very well and she and I have been best friends since school.

I suggested she should talk to both of them together and be sure the DGD really is as fed up with the situation as DGS.

OP posts:
Jizzomelette · 14/08/2016 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheSilverChair · 14/08/2016 15:03

I told her not to go steaming in. I think that was the right thing to do. I know her, you don't. She asked me what I thought so made it my business. I didn't tell her not to help the children I told her not to go in with half the facts.

I think talking to both the DCs this week calmly to find out for sure what they both want is the right way to go. DGD hasn't said anything to her yet.

Then she can facilitate a discussion, when both DCs have told her what they want.

OP posts:
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