AIBU to tell my friend to stay out of it?

[TheSilverChair]

DF is grandmother to 2 DCs whose parents are divorced and who share custody 50/50, more or less. It's as amicable as it can be and both parents have remarried. The custody isn't set in stone and each accommodates the other as necessary.

DCs are 11 and 13. They have been with my DF for some days over the holidays, as they usually are. They are very close and she's a loving granny.

The elder DC confided last week that he's sick of not having a "proper home". He doesn't want to keep moving every week and wants to live in one place, he doesn't mind which. He says his sister feels the same way. DF told him he should talk to his DPs but he says he daren't.

DF is wondering if she should say something but I've advised her to stay out of it for now and wait to see if DGS plucks up the courage to talk to a parents.

AIBU to tell her to leave well alone?

You need to back off OP. All these people telling you're wrong, not a little bit wrong but dangerously wrong, and you're still "my fear is".

WTF do your feelings have to do with this?!

And whether she railroads in or not, that's sweet F.A. to do with you.

If it was nothing to do with me then she wouldn't have talked to me about it. By talking about it at length and asking what I thought she made it my business. So it is something to do with me. My advice was to do nothing for now.

I was hoping that people may have experiences about when this situation happened to them and DCs wanted to change a 50/50 arrangement so I could show her.

But this is MN and people pretend to know my friend and her DGC better than I do.

I have this same situation with my two (14 and 12). It’s a routine, they are used to it. I don’t think they are unhappy with it. My routine is a bit more complex but works anyway. Monday and Tuesday at my house every week and then Friday, Saturday and Sunday every second week. Essentially 5 days at my house one week and then 5 days at mums house the next week. We both have jobs where we are on call for work, hers is a weekly rota and mine is every six weeks. We need to be flexible but we manage.

How long have they been in this routine?? Is there any chance that it will bed in at some point??

ODFOD.

I hope she ignores you and does something productive to help the children rather than sitting back and letting them be miserable as you'd seem to like

You seem to be suffering from hallucinations. I said I'd advise her to talk to the DCs (both of them this week). She doesn't actually know what DGD thinks. I'm saying that again because you obviously didn't bother to read it properly the first time.

What has led you to believe somewhere inside your very confused mind that I want them to be unhappy? I love them, all of them. Their father is my godson.

You seem to be projecting an alternate reality.

Yes, dear.

I think she needs to ask the child whether they were just sounding off or whether they actually wanted her to raise this with the parents. If the child wants her to discuss it with them, then she should do so.

Travelling it's been like this for about 5 years. One week at each place but with flexibility when necessary. And DF has had them quite a bit in the day time in school hols. Both parents are happy as things are and I'm worried that DF might get the blame for anything that blows up over this.

They are only a couple of miles apart but it seems DGS wants a permanent base now. I can understand that.

Maybe she should ask the GC if they would like her to talk to their parents, either with or without them present .

You are right to advise her to check again with her DGS and to find out from her DGD what her feelings are and not just take her brother's word.

If it is as DGS has said your friend will need to ask them both if they would like her to speak up for them and she will need to be measured if she goes in like a bull at a gate it will make the whole thing a lot worse. However it is worded the parents are likely to be defensive and your friend will be the target.

For all the posters on here saying your friend has to speak up and if it was their children they'd want to know, I can just imagine the outrage if someone had posted that their ex MIL had done this, MN would combust with righteous indignation.

Your friend does need to support the children but needs to be considered in her approach and be prepared for the possible consequences.

Op.

You asked for people's experience and I gave it (although it's not exactly 50/50)

Then you have acted later like no one has said anything constructive.

I agree your friend shouldn't "steam in" as you put it but I still say sometimes children in this situation need a bit of a hand to communicate their feelings.

Also I still stand by that if one or both of them feel like the situation isn't working then the parents absolutely must find a better way (even if one of them ends up not seeing them as much) because it's not about the parents it's about the children!

It would be much nicer for the kids if they stayed in the one house permanently and the parents swapped every week instead and moved in and out themselves. Then the kids would have stability in their home. Totally unaffordable for most though I would imagine.

Friend of mine did this with her kids, they didn't say anything at the time, but now that she's spitting up from her youngest dc dad, they said how much they hated not having a home

If I were her, I'd support the kids and help them raise the subject with the parents.

The parents are happy with this, but it's not about them, it should be about what's best for the kids