partner says its his money but i thought we shared it

[tina363]

Our finances i thought were what's yours is mine but this morning he has checked his account to see there is 20.00 in it. Last night we had my sister and a friend round for drinks. I bought a 5.99 bottle of wine and two 2.00 bottles of ale. Had to lift 20.00 for a Chinese as they don't accept card and there were no tenners in the machine. He knew I was using his card and sister paid for her own Chinese friend didn't want any. He's thrown a strop this morning because I've spent all the money. So I said about how much he wastes on tobacco every week but apparently that's ok because 'its my money I earned that'. I work PT and get paid monthly my wages goes on rent and phones and virgin etc. He gets paid weekly and works FT his wages goes on electric and food etc. Aibu to have spent his money which he said I could?

I don't think he should have had a strop about it. I am assuming you are part time due to child care? Offer him the chance of you switching to ft and him switching to pt if he has a problem with you spending your (joint) money

If you are paying for rent and he is paying for food then most likely you are paying much more of the joint expenses than he is.

Do you have children together?

Is he selfish in other ways?

If he is generally reasonable then why not draw up a budget, see how much all of your joint expenses come to (rent, food, bills, etc) and come up with a fairer plan.

My idea of "fair" would be that you both had equal spending money left over after essentials had been accounted for.

Maybe work out a pro rata bill payment system. If his income is 65%of the household income and your 35 then he can pay 65% of the bills and you 35 and then whatever is left over you both keep. That way it is fair and you both have your own money. He thinks you are wasting it and you think he is, so that would be a solution.

What's your set up? Do you live together?

If your finances are that much on a knife-edge I'd be re-thinking about the wisdom of having friends over for drinks and a take-away.

Still, as someone else has pointed out if you cover the rent and phones out of your part-time wages you must be covering a much higher percentage of the household bills than he is. As a couple you really should be looking to have the same amount of discretionary spends but it sounds like your budget means there's not that much.

If he said you could use his money then he's a bloody fool to complain about it later.

To be honest I would be pissed off if I was left with £20 after my partner bought a takeaway and booze.

Fair dos if it was for a grocery shop or essential bills obviously.

I'm pt because of childcare but even if I went ft I would earn as much as him. We've had arguments before about money. Yea it feels like I earn less yet end up paying the major bills sometimes he can be selfish leaves me to do hw because he works all day. I've tried explaining to him that his work day ends at 4.30 or 5 mine is still going on even after our 2yo is in bed because i then have to wash up the dinner plates (dinner i made) basically he uses the I work 40 hrs as an excuse not to help out around the house

It depends how close it is to next payday and how much he has contributed to them being skint. Just under £30 isnt going to bankrupt them as a couple for the month. Surely he would have spent money before that. And he gets pain weekly. It isnt like they are stuck for a whole month

Tell him you will do a 40 hour day too then and ask him to pay for childcare and a cleaner for the evenings. he sounds like an arsehole at the end of the day a human being came out of you. He has a lot of making up to do.

Its not his last 20 though. There is 20 still in the account if she lifted 20 before that she is just taking her share of what is in the account in my eyes.

It seems like you think you share finances and he's not quite on board with that. Nor do your separate accounts really reflect it if you need to spend from his because yours is empty. How did you come to your current set up? Was it properly discussed and agreed upon?

I think the problem is that there was only £40 left and you spent £20 of it on booze and a takeaway. That would annoy me, too, and we share finances equally.

It sounds like it's less of a case of non shared money and more of a totally unequal balance in your whole relationship. What spare money do you have left from your wages each month?

I agree with PP you need a budget.Work out what the bills are and what the income is and then try to budget that you both get a certain (identical) amount of personal money each month and the rest goes into a joint account for all the bills (and perhaps a bit of savings). If he objects then factor in what he would have to shell out for childcare on the days you don't work....

That'd piss me off too if my wife spent over £20 on a takeaway leaving the account with only £20 left in it, but then again we don't have access to each other's individual accounts.

Have you actually discussed finances together or just fallen into doing things a certain way? You need to go through your earnings and expenditure together, see who is contributing what and how you could possibly tweak things so you're not left scrapping over the last £20 in the account. If you've never had that discussion and come to a sensible agreement, I can see why both of you are pissed off at this situation.

It depends though doesn't it. Was he/they due to get paid soon. Had all the bills been paid (sounds like it is mostly pain by op anyway). If that £40 is disposible income and everything else has been covered then why can't she spending £20 on some leisure time with her sister and he keep the other £20 for himself? Surely he has spent money before that point to get down to that low around. If as Op states he isnt helping around the household and she works pt too she deserves a break. Why should she miss out on a takeaway and a £6 bottle of wine so Dh can keep the full £40 to spend on what he wants?

Tell him you will do a 40 hour day too then and ask him to pay for childcare and a cleaner for the evenings.

Yup, I'm stay at home full-time and any time he even hints at money not being both of ours I tell him I'll find full time work and sort out care for the baby then. Shuts him right up, and gets me an immediate apology.

Then again we both know he doesn't really think that way, and it only comes up when he has had a particularly hard week coinciding with a particularly empty bank account (for example the week I spent $600 on the car).

If you think he truly means it then he's a selfish git and needs a good kick up the arse.

It's never a good move to jack in FT work when you are not married to your partner unless you are independently wealthy. It leaves you very vulnerable financially because you have no rights.

I'd go back to work FT and share the expense of childcare.

Also think it's foolish to blow money on tobacco and takeaways when you sail so close to the wind. So now you have £20 to live off until the next payday?

How you pay the bills isn't a problem. All our essential bills used to come out of my salary as that was fixed, all discretionary spending came from dh as he was self employed and varied. That way in a bad month we knew the mortgage etc was accounted for. However, I could spend anything I wanted if we had it. It was never his money even when the was earning three times my salary.
I'd be having a long chat with him about how many hours you put in cleaning, cooking and doing childcare. You aren't working part time it's just you only receive a salary for some of your work. If you weren't doing that either he'd have to do it or pay someone else a considerable amount of money to cover it.

I can see why he's cross, pretty irresponsible to leave just £20 in the bank after spending on non essentials especially when you have children.

The HW is a red herring, of course you should be doing more if he's at work and you're at home. You could always swap and let him go part time if you feel working is easier than housework.

You need to stop using each other's accounts and work out what's needed for bills and then set aside some for emergencies. With only £20 in the bank what would have happened if something went wrong?

He should pay rent and food. You pay bills.

Why on earth are you putting up with this OP? You appear to be doing more "work" than he does and paying for more than he is.

However, if you only have £20 in a bank account that's a bit of a worry so perhaps that's why he reacted badly.