partner says its his money but i thought we shared it

[tina363]

Our finances i thought were what's yours is mine but this morning he has checked his account to see there is 20.00 in it. Last night we had my sister and a friend round for drinks. I bought a 5.99 bottle of wine and two 2.00 bottles of ale. Had to lift 20.00 for a Chinese as they don't accept card and there were no tenners in the machine. He knew I was using his card and sister paid for her own Chinese friend didn't want any. He's thrown a strop this morning because I've spent all the money. So I said about how much he wastes on tobacco every week but apparently that's ok because 'its my money I earned that'. I work PT and get paid monthly my wages goes on rent and phones and virgin etc. He gets paid weekly and works FT his wages goes on electric and food etc. Aibu to have spent his money which he said I could?

I think a total rebalance is in order op. Sit and figure out all outgoings. Figure out all incomings. For starting point both pay 50/50 towards everything and then split 50/50 what's left as "Your money" to do with as you wish. Any savings cpount as bills and should be taken before the "your money" stage.

Then move o to personal time.
He works 40 hours, you work 20 (actual time may vary)
OK, In that case you will do 20 hours child care/housework.
So when ypu have children around that you're sole carer for, that comes off the 20 hours. Cooking dinner, 1 hour off the 20 hours, hoovering, 1hour off the 20 so on and so forth.

Once you and he are doing 40hours you split everything else. He does t get to not do a ything because he's worked 40 hours, so have ypou. He does t get to sit and relax at night because he's done 8 hours because so have ypu.

If he doesn't like this new split where you're equal partners then ask what a fair split would be, have him suggest fairness. But be sure you come to a fair arrangement and stick to it. No backsliding. You must also stick to your guns, eg: if its his job to hoover the lounge DO NOT hoover the lounge yourself, ever, not even once.

I understand it would be unbearable to have to check with your partner every time you want to spend some money.

However, it would have been sensible to check the account balance and work out how much you could afford to withdraw. I think it would help if you sat down with him and worked out a monthly budget, including nights out or takeaways. It's boring but will avoid arguments.

Working is easier than childcare. I've done both and at work you're validated and paid. People also treat you differently. Bringing up children is a very important job that is sadly undervalued.

It's not childcare when it's your own child fgs. Men get slated for saying they are babysitting yet the amount of women who call it childcare is astounding. It's just parenting.

As for work out a bill for cooking, cleaning etc most people who work still do these, very few outsource. Its all part of being an adult with a house to run.

Why haven't you got your own bank account with your own personal spending money in it which you set aside for personal, discretionary spending?

Working isn't necessarily easier than childcare. You can't have a lazy day at work because you feel a bit tired and you generally have a boss that expects certain performance standards and they can fire you if you don't meet them.

With childcare, you get to decide what happens when and as long as the basics are covered, you can do as little or as much as you like.

For the OP, your DP should be at least washing up after dinner if you are doing everything else. Probably some other stuff too.

If he's a smoker then maybe he's getting twitchy because he's worried about not having money for cigarettes/tobacco.
I can't say I'd be buying takeaways and booze when there was only £40 left in our joint account, but if it's in an account you have access to then you have as much right to use it as he does.

If finances are that tight and there's only £40 left in the joint account, yes you were probably BU to spunk over £20 on a takeaway and booze. Equally, in that scenario he is BU to piss money away on tobacco.

However, the wider situation is more concerning here. If you've compromised your income to care for the child that is both of your responsibility, that should be reflected in your financial arrangements. He can't be talking about how the money is his because he earned it, when part of the reason he's able to earn without paying for childcare while he does it is because you're part time.

And yes, sorry, but I would ultimately think quite carefully about being part time when you're reliant for financial support on a partner who you're not married to and who thinks what he earns is his. I'm not against part time work, I'm part time for childcare reasons too. But it's not always advisable.

It's never a good move to jack in FT work when you are not married to your partner unless you are independently wealthy. It leaves you very vulnerable financially because you have no rights.

This. You need to address what could be a potential disaster in the making sooner rather than later.

Even being married its not a good idea to rely financially on the other adult. You'd still only have a PT income and child support of things went wrong married or not until finances are settled and in this case unlikely to have any to settle.

One thing you need to do is work out exactly how much each person is paying. To me it sounds like you're paying more than your fair share. If he pays for food, the occasional takeaway is included in that.

We came to that set up as it seemed easier for monthly bills to come out of mine as I get paid monthly but he didn't take into account that my wages only go so far. We've just sat down to sort it all out and we've re done direct debits so some comes out of his account weekly rather than a lump sum coming out of mine. I agree the booze and takeaways are a luxury but he agreed on the takeaway. We do need to cut back as we're spending any potential savings on stupid weekends with friends instead of just saying no we're having a quite one this week. Thanks for the advice hopefully its levelled the playing field but we'll see how long he sticks to it