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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to 20 week anomaly scan alone?

43 replies

Uddlybutterly · 14/08/2016 08:29

Pretty much as the title says, DH has to work and when I asked DM she replied that "we went alone to everything back when I was pregnant" - they also didn't have scans so I'm not sure that helps really.

OP posts:

Champagneformyrealfriends · 14/08/2016 08:31

Yanbu-I was terrified of my anomaly scan and (though I'm sure everything will be fine!) I wanted my DH there just in case there were any problems.

HelloSunshine11 · 14/08/2016 08:32

Of course yanbu, it's a really scary time. Do you have a good friend you can ask?

neonrainbow · 14/08/2016 08:33

Are you close to your mum? Can you explain youd really like someone there?

Blu · 14/08/2016 08:35

YANBU.

It's an important appointment, no way your DH can get time off?

But take someone, anyway.

GoulashSoup · 14/08/2016 08:38

YANBU the anomaly scan is to check that everything looks ok, but there is a chance that there may be problems raised, it is understandable that you want some support. Has your mother not heard of progress, if things were so fabulous in her day then why have they changed?
I would be really sad if DH couldn't come to ours. Could you book a private one so that he can come?
Do you have a sister, or a good friend, or even MIL that you would feel happy having at such a personal event? Perhaps then your mother will regret having turned down the invitation to be involved in something so intimate and special for you.

emmantfc · 14/08/2016 08:42

YANBU, and his work must give your DH time off to attend if he requests it - it's the law: www.gov.uk/government/news/new-right-for-fathers-and-partners-to-attend-antenatal-appointments

RaeSkywalker · 14/08/2016 08:44

Can you ask a friend?

Your DH is entitled to (unpaid) time off for attending 2 antenatal appointments though.

Hope the scan goes well

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 14/08/2016 08:44

I can't tell you YABU as it's up to you how you feel but due to work reasons I attended it , and every other appointment on my own. Many women do.

navylily · 14/08/2016 08:49

I'd see if you can take a friend of it'll make you less anxious. Most people would probably love to come.

But I attended mine alone and certainly no one batted an eyelid or seemed to expect me to have someone with me, so don't feel it's unheard of to go alone.

ScatteryCattery · 14/08/2016 08:51

It didn't occur to me to be upset that I went to mine alone!

LifeInJeneral · 14/08/2016 08:53

YANBU I was shaking like a leaf and an utter wreck before mine. I needed my DP to hold my hand until I knew everything was ok but I couldn't have coped on my own. But then I am an anxious person, you know yourself how you will react to uncertainty and worry so if you feel you need someone there then don't go alone unless.you can't help it

Katastrophe13 · 14/08/2016 08:55

I don't think yabu for not wanting to go alone. Show your DH the link emmantfc has posted or if he really feels he can't take the time off could you try and rearrange the scan appointment for when he can come? Most times alls fine and it's lovely to see your baby and how they've changed since 12 weeks. Would be a shame for him to miss that.

YouAreMyRain · 14/08/2016 08:57

I went to mine alone. I wasn't worried (and I was under the mental health midwife for deities soon and anxiety)

OneEpisode · 14/08/2016 08:58

I went to dc1's on my own because dh was abroad and no one told me to be so frightened! If you have decided it's a big thing, who would you like to come with you? Friend, mum, mil?

Crunchymum · 14/08/2016 09:00

I have been to scans alone but never the anomaly scan (or dating scan actually).... we had a potential flagged up at our anomaly scan with DC2.... turned out to be nothing but they were worried about Cystic Fibrosis and I would have hated to have been alone to hear that news!!!

I went to an early scan alone, a few growth scans alone (my hospital offered 3 scans as standard so these growth scans were not for any medical reason) and I went to several scans with DC2 alone they scanned me weekly for a while after anomaly scan flagged up potential issue but never went to a 12 or 20 week scan alone.

Amelie10 · 14/08/2016 09:01

Yanbu to feel you need some sort of support system there.

DrWhy · 14/08/2016 09:02

DH was overseas when I had mine. My mum travelled the length of the country to come with me - she didn't get at all why I was nervous, she just saw it as a chance to see the baby, maybe you could spin it that way to her? Otherwise a good friend of mine had offered to come with me who really did understand - could that be an option?

Mari50 · 14/08/2016 09:06

YANBU for not wanting to go alone but if you end up alone then don't feel too awful. I went to my anomaly scan and had my amniocentesis on my own. My mum had offered to come but I preferred the calm I achieved without her to be honest, she'd have panicked.

Hadenoughoftumble · 14/08/2016 09:23

There's nothing wrong with going alone but as someone who has had news of a major problem at my first child's anomaly scan I was glad I had dp and dm with me. I felt like my whole world was crashing in at that moment and couldn't take in what the sonographer or midwife were telling me and I was glad that there was someone else there to sort of 'take over' and listen to what they were saying ifyswim. Also I don't think I would have been OK to drive home afterwards because my head was swirling with this new information and being told I would have to wait a week or so to go to a bigger hospital for a more detailed scan and diagnosis/prognosis.

Obviously you are very likely to be fine and that only happens in a small minority of scans but I think everyone should go to an anomaly scan fully prepared that they could be told that there is a problem.

HeddaGarbled · 14/08/2016 09:49

Well, she doesn't sound like she'd be particularly involved, supportive or sympathetic so you're probably better off without her.

firawla · 14/08/2016 10:09

Yanbu but I did go to mine alone and it was fine, I did a separate private scan at window to the womb with dh before so he didn't miss out on seeing the baby - if that would be an option? Obviously if there was a problem with the scan it would feel crap to be alone though

Failingfasttonight · 14/08/2016 10:11

Very normal for partners to take time off for 12 week and 20 week scans, and the woman to attend the rest alone.

allowlsthinkalot · 14/08/2016 10:16

I went alone to my 20 week scan with a four and two year old in tow. It wasn't ideal but we really had no option. I was living somewhere where we knew nobody and dh had something vitally important on at work. We couldn't change the date for various reasons I can't remember.

I wasn't upset or anxious even though I have had a previous pregnancy where a scan was bad news.

I think I would have been upset in my first pregnancy if dh hadn't been there. Even with my second. But by then I was used to life being a juggle.

YANBU to prefer someone with you but if you do need to go alone you won't be the only one and it will be ok.

missm0use · 14/08/2016 11:33

YADNBU! I was terrified that they might find something wrong during the scan and I was so anxious before hand that I burst into tears on the way there. I was so glad to have DP with me and I cried with relief when they said DD was okay. Xx

Blu · 14/08/2016 12:18

I wasn't upset or anxious in going for my scan - quite the opposite.

But I was frantic beyond measure when the scan identified two 'soft markers' for 3 different trisomies. And needed to spend time talking with the consultant abut whether to have amnio etc. 'Soft markers' turns out to mean an unproven possible idea of a link, and in my case there were found to be no trisomies - but we did discover talipes.

If everything is fine, an exciting and rather moving opportunity to view the baby is missed, if there is a problem (HIGHLY unlikely, but in the end that's what these scans are for) most people feel better if they have someone close with them. And especially if they had to take other children along.

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