To be annoyed that my mum chooses to live this way?

[merrykate]

My mum is 60, single and lives alone... In absolute squalor. I've always disliked visiting her house because of how dirty the place is. She seems incapable of having anything nice. Everywhere is a right mess, especially the kitchen. There's always a ton of washing up, dirty surfaces, clutter everywhere and I just don't understand how anybody can live like this. She doesn't even own handwash/soap, tea towels, a mop bucket even plates and cups because she refuses to cook. She's a very lazy person and can happily sit in her pjs all day watching TV. It's a shame because hardly any of her friends or other relatives visit her, probably because they feel the same way as me about her house. Is it a sign of depression? She probably is quite lonely and stuck in a rut, although she's been a total slob for as long as i can remember. Should I bring it up with her or just accept it's who she is? She seems oblivious and was deeply offended when I made a joke about not wanting to cook in her dirty kitchen. Even the cutlery in the cutlery drawer is dirty! I feel like an awful person writing this as I do love my mum and I do a lot for her but I just want to understand why she lives this way.

I was very harsh on her that it's her choice but I will not be her carer/cleaner while this is an active choice to live this way
Good point!
Its great if you can be supportive but its important not to be an enabler
Help her get more out of life but don't let her suck the life out of you!

I struggle to keep things clean and tidy due to medical issues. I then get depressed about the mess so it's a vicious circle as the depression makes it even harder to clean and tidy. It can all get too much that you don't know where to start. See how you saying, do you want me to do some dishes, goes. It might be that it gets met with a grateful smile. If it gets met with a puzzled look then maybe just do a little cleaning. Does she realize that her house smells bad and people aren't visiting? If she knows all that and she's truly happy, you'll just have to go with it!

I think that living like that can indicate all sorts of things. It may be that she just doesn't care and is completely happy. Or she may just not be able to cope, it has become so horrible she is just in denial and can't face up to the level of filth and the effort to sort it out. Or it might be depression, or I think it can actually be a sort of mental illness in itself. My godmother has a sister ( now a very old lady) and her house has always been like that. Filth, chaos, clutter ( with cats thrown into the mix, dirty litter trays etc). Her family have repeatedly tried to clean it up (eg 6 black bin bags just scraped off the kitchen floor, made up of the tear strips from cat food pouches), when the lady has been away or in hospital. But she can't keep it sorted out. She is a very wealthy lady, poverty is not at all a factor. There have been social workers and physiatrists involved but all to no avail and it really is a problem because it is too horrendous for any cleaners or care workers to come in and help her. Maybe you could try talking to your Mum, and ask her if she would like help with anything. Maybe if it was deep cleaned she could have a cleaner once a week to keep on top of it, but of course that might depend on what she can afford.

Hi, pollymere. Me too!

It sounds awful. Has she ever suffered from food poisoning/gippy tummy? My late dad was pretty filthy and amazingly it didn't affect him (used to his own germs?) and my MIL's house is a lot better since she has a carer going in almost everyday.
If it's suggested that we maybe clean things she says, "another time" but we get that same reply for weeks on end.

No-one accepts a cup of tea there as you're likely to feel queasy afterwards. She's in a world of her own and seems happy with that.

Blithering, if she only eats takeout I guess that takes that risk away.

I come from a line of people with hoarding tendencies, and have to try very hard not to go down that route, as the urges are there quite often. I also find it very hard to maintain order in any area of my life. I try my hardest because I have children, but it's very stressful and at times confusing. I joined an online group of people who hoard and clutter to try and keep on top of it. I noticed that most of the people who post there seem to have an issue with OCD, autism, dyspraxia, adhd or depression. Speaking personally, when things start to get untidy, I become distressed, anxious and often don't know where to begin because it's so overwhelming. Thinking about cleaning and tidying becomes so confusing, but this was too hard to explain to anyone until recently. I am currently waiting for a diagnosis of Aspergers/Autism, which I only figured out recently. Perhaps your mother is so overwhelmed by the squalor, that she has learned to block it out, and only pretends not to care about it.

Sorry to post again, but I thought I should mention that the online group I was talking about, is called Stepping out of Sqalor. It has a lot of information on there, and if OP is interested, it could provide a valuable insight into her Mother's predicament, or could possibly even join and ask for advice.

The thing I always resented my mother over in a gross messy house was that I could never find anything. I never had clean clothes I could find or clean shoes as a little kid or know where stuff was, and it drove me mad and sad to say I blame her partly for doing badly at school. We were always late everywhere because of chaos. I don't want the same for my children so I have instilled a system. The system isn't perfect and it's honestly not about germs or cleanliness it's about equipping you all with the things you need to go about your life. My mum seems to have missed this bit of life and has adapted to the chaos. Although now I took the stand and she moved house - and I forced her to throw crap away she seems to actually for the first time understand what a little organisation can bring to your life - less stress. She was hiding the stress through the crap, creating more stress!

This is a painful read because my house is horribly messy. I think I'm going to be the elderly relative people don't want to visit.

I hate the fact that I can't just be normal and keep on top of things like a normal person. I'm awfully ashamed of my house.

Going to look at your online thing p00pchute.

Hope it helps Meeep. Also there is Squalor Survivors, which has useful info. It explains the different degrees of squalor. Also there is 'financial squalor,' which tends to go hand in hand with disordered living areas. Often people are very disorganised with their finances which can snowball into charges and debt, but also this can be exacerbated by not being able to find bills/invoices and statements in the mess and clutter. It can cause numerous problems for a person.

I have to say that I found Marie Kondo's book to be extremely helpful, as I had real problems getting rid of items, because I felt extreme guilt over 'waste,' or felt guilty that I wasn't getting rid of something in the right way (confused about whether to bin/donate/recycle, so things would accumulate very quickly)

myusername I can relate to all of this!

I think asking for help is a really good step. I am not judging anyone, I honestly think it's a deeper symptom of something else. But if chaos is depressing you then take the first step into asking for help - friends, family, even your GP. I saw how anxious my mother became when faced with throwing things away and over time I got her to open up about what it was REALLY all about - it was a form of control. All her belongings became more important than her loved ones and even herself