To be annoyed that my mum chooses to live this way?

[merrykate]

My mum is 60, single and lives alone... In absolute squalor. I've always disliked visiting her house because of how dirty the place is. She seems incapable of having anything nice. Everywhere is a right mess, especially the kitchen. There's always a ton of washing up, dirty surfaces, clutter everywhere and I just don't understand how anybody can live like this. She doesn't even own handwash/soap, tea towels, a mop bucket even plates and cups because she refuses to cook. She's a very lazy person and can happily sit in her pjs all day watching TV. It's a shame because hardly any of her friends or other relatives visit her, probably because they feel the same way as me about her house. Is it a sign of depression? She probably is quite lonely and stuck in a rut, although she's been a total slob for as long as i can remember. Should I bring it up with her or just accept it's who she is? She seems oblivious and was deeply offended when I made a joke about not wanting to cook in her dirty kitchen. Even the cutlery in the cutlery drawer is dirty! I feel like an awful person writing this as I do love my mum and I do a lot for her but I just want to understand why she lives this way.

Indicators of depression would also be a lack of personal hygiene. Does your mum keep herself clean and look after her appearance? Does she have any regard for her own health? If the answer is no, then I would feel quite worried that she has no motivation and has 'checked out' of life.

I read somewhere that if you buy someone with depression a house plant, the state of the plant is an indicator of their mood. If it is watered and looked after, they are coping.

My mother was the same. She had COPD so couldn't do much but no one realised how ill she was because she didn't tell anyone.
It started long before her physical illness though. She suffered depression and drank too much alcohol.
I don't think you can change someone. It's very difficult but you can offer to help tidy up and try to accept that is the way she chooses to live.
I have a friend too who is like this. She is always busy but hygiene and tidiness is not important to her.

Perhaps tell her that you are concerned aboutr her and offer to help her get on top of things?

Although I'd only give a minimal amount of help initially because if its clear she's not going to help herself then you could just get sucked into a bottomless cleaning pit

I live alone and I like my home to be neat and organised, its more efficient and therefore saves time in the long run!

There are various websites full of tips for keeping your home tidy and organised
Help and information, tips, support from people struggling with the same issues...all very easy to find these days

I feel for you op, my mother is the same and on top of the squalor everything smells of smoke. It really is grim. She's not depressed or anything just a low priority.

My mum lived like this, it was horrible to see but not much I could do about it. She was a full blown alcoholic though which obviously didn't help her.

I did notice I could every so often gently coax her in to having a big tidy and clean and it would help her mood for a few weeks. You had to be ever so careful about suggesting it though as it's very embarrassing to have it pointed out how much of a shit hole your house is!

What slagging off is she doing portia? And what help exactly would you suggest??

I would start with buying a mop and bucket, ringing the gp for obvious mental health issues and getting some food into the poor woman

My mum has bad depression and wouldn't clean for herself I think making her more depressed, so she has a cleaner once a week who keeps the mess from getting overwhelming - is there any way you could spring for someone even once a month to keep everything a bit more under control?

No offence but you've obviously never dealt with anything like this. The gp won't do anything without the patient asking for help.

You need tact and understanding to deal with it, not a mop and bucket.

It is true that depression and mental health problems can cause people to take less care with their homes and person hygiene, but there are also some people who are lazy/dirty/don't care. Ultimately it doesn't really matter which it is because in either case the person needs to ask for help and until they do you can do little. So I would suggest that you don't visit her home if it bothers you (and I'll be honest it would bother me - I can't stand dirty homes) and meet her for coffee in a coffee shop nearby. I have to do this with one particular friend because her home is filthy and covered in cats hair which gives me the heebies.

Well yes I have dealt with my own addiction to prescription drugs. Rehab wasn't a barrel of laughs. My Mother got me help but I had to admit to myself that I had an addiction and thanks to my Mother getting me help I'm in recovery but I will always be an addict.

I shoukd add the fact I was prescibed lorazepam for clinical depression.

You need tact and understanding to deal with it, not a mop and bucket

This!

@PortiaCastis
Eh? Are you reading a totally different text to the rest of us? The OP is hardly "slagging" her mother off, as you put it.

@Gottagetmoving
Ditto.

My MIL lives in a disastrous state and has ever since I've known her. Visiting gives me the rage and it doesn't make her happy. I think it's a symptom of being overwhelmed by life. For some people even the simple things are insurmountable. I've accepted there's nothing I can do to help.

I have a friend who lives very happily in a similar environment, she's not depressed just chooses to be different from me.
Other friends we knew had a similarly grotty house, complete with cats and their fleas. Needless to say we didn't visit after the first time but they often came to our house.
There's little you can do op unless she chooses to change.

I could have written that post about my 61 year old mum but I finally managed to talk her into moving out of the family home she'd shared with my dad and brought us up in (he died) and into a retirement flat where she's much happier and the house is, for now, clean. Her house wasn't as bad as your mum's sounds but it wasn't clean and my mum's personal hygiene and health (super morbid obesity and arthritis) are not good. She isn't depressed though. Family members have suggested it several times and apparently mum asked her doctor but, despite having plenty to be depressed about which will undoubtedly impact on her lifestyle, she is not clinically depressed. So, I wouldn't assume your mum is. Though it is of course a good possibility.

Could she make a new start in a smaller house?? 60 is the qualifying age for sheltered retirement housing.

Having a tactful conversation is surely the way to start? Say you are concerned about her and the house which seems to be 'getting on top of her' and how can you help? Discuss possible depression and if you or anyone could give her more support.

Could she afford extra help to keep on top of things? Some people truly struggle with General 'stuff' and find it extremely hard to change. If she's had a lot of trauma she might actually feel most comfortable around chaos.

Talking is the way to begin.

If your mum would like her home to be cleaner and tidier, perhaps suggest doing one room together. Starting by de cluttering into binbags, labelled keep or throw out. Breaking it down into small manageable tasks will be less daunting. I can see how it would seem an overwhelming task when viewed as a whole.

If she's happy, then as hard as it is, you need to turn a blind eye to the mess as long as she's not jeopardising her health.

I think it's a symptom of being overwhelmed by life

So true from my experience. It's an even divide, some people are lazy and don't care about the mess. Others are too overwhelmed by their life experiences to be able to muster up the energy to change.

Sounds like depression to me - and if it alienating her from others it is a problem. Why not discuss the situation fully. If she shows signs of being snowed under by the enormity of getting straight, ask if she wants help sorting things out and then offer to pay for a cleaner to keep on top of things instead of buying Christmas/ birthday gifts etc