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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my mum chooses to live this way?

113 replies

merrykate · 13/08/2016 23:34

My mum is 60, single and lives alone... In absolute squalor. I've always disliked visiting her house because of how dirty the place is. She seems incapable of having anything nice. Everywhere is a right mess, especially the kitchen. There's always a ton of washing up, dirty surfaces, clutter everywhere and I just don't understand how anybody can live like this. She doesn't even own handwash/soap, tea towels, a mop bucket even plates and cups because she refuses to cook. She's a very lazy person and can happily sit in her pjs all day watching TV. It's a shame because hardly any of her friends or other relatives visit her, probably because they feel the same way as me about her house. Is it a sign of depression? She probably is quite lonely and stuck in a rut, although she's been a total slob for as long as i can remember. Should I bring it up with her or just accept it's who she is? She seems oblivious and was deeply offended when I made a joke about not wanting to cook in her dirty kitchen. Even the cutlery in the cutlery drawer is dirty! I feel like an awful person writing this as I do love my mum and I do a lot for her but I just want to understand why she lives this way.

OP posts:
Greensmurf1 · 15/08/2016 20:41

My dad used to clean my grandparents's flat or house with every visit. They couldn't see how gross it was due to failing eyesight. They said he was making a fuss but he really couldn't help himself it was just unpleasant for him to want to visit.
My mother in law didn't notice mould growing on her walls, the hideous mildew and mothball smells and old food still stuck between supposedly clean fork prongs. She wasn't depressed but had other priorities/ couldn't see well/ aclimitised to her surroundings which got progressively worse. DH pointed out some of the problems because they were contributing to health problems, he bought her some air purifying plants, cleaned out some junk he had stored there since college to help reduce mess and clutter. Some cleaning tasks she took on herself and strained muscles unfortunately.
The trick is to do what you can -whatever won't cause offence or a rift. Find a diplomatic way of making a connection between the mess and her level of comfort. For example, if she had ever complained about tummy troubles, remind her of the germs that are on her dirty cutlery and how she is less likely to get ill if her kitchen and bathroom are more hygienic. Help her to remedy the situation if she can accept help. If she complains about head colds and allergies, suggest you can help her to clean away damp, dusty things which will help her to breathe/ sleep more comfortably. Are there other barriers to cleanliness you can help resolve?
When MIL moved home after becoming a widow, her dusty old stuff was binned or cleaned and she got a fresh start. The strain of looking after the old place and her husband with slowly failing health was too much. She likes her new place and we feel more comfortable visiting her there. Good luck.

GarlicMistake · 15/08/2016 20:49

I used to clean my youngest sister's house when I visited. She & BIL were utterly overwhelmed at the time - 2 young kids and both working more than one job. They were neither offended nor delighted, it just helped a bit and I was happier to be there after I'd cleaned up somewhat.

The moral weight of 'cleanliness' is pretty uncomfortable at times.

chopchopchop · 15/08/2016 22:08

ILostIt I guess it must depend on the situation. My mother went into hospital, and I had to clear her house because there was food and rats.

The lovely people who did it were brilliant at sorting out the rubbish from anything that could be salvaged, which they put to one side for me to check through. But there wasn't that much.

The other question, which I should have said, is about agency. My mother was entirely sane and yet chose to live like that. So if the person doesn't want to change, is it ethical to intervene?

GarlicMistake · 15/08/2016 22:10

My mother was entirely sane and yet chose to live like that. So if the person doesn't want to change, is it ethical to intervene?

No. Intervention's required if there's a public health risk or some terms of residence are being broken, but that's it.

Offering practical help seems the obvious thing.

kilmuir · 15/08/2016 22:15

Has she always been like this?
I think I would be depressed living there. Some people are messy, but that's different to being dirty.
How would she feel if you helped her, got started on clearing up. May feel too much for her, so doesn't do anything

GarlicMistake · 15/08/2016 22:30

I think not owning plates and cups because she refuses to cook is pretty cool! It isn't my style, but I admire her being so true to herself :)

I do not believe anyone prefers a dirty environment. I sure as hell find mine depressing.

But there's a world of difference between socially-required "clean & tidy" and moderately hygienic. I wonder if OP's mother would be scared of her turning her comfortably crappy environment into a suburban dream? She's reportedly been a "total slob" all OP's life. She might be staunchly rebelling against a lifetime of social judgement. Doesn't mean she wouldn't prefer the floor not to crunch underfoot and to be able to see what's in the piles on the worktop, though.

XH2 didn't own any soap after we split. I found this slightly disturbing. Not my business, however - he wasn't hand-feeding me, and never seemed to get ill.

heretochat555 · 15/08/2016 23:32

I can relate to your post. I encouraged my mum to have a clear out recently and everything is so grubby. She's a chain smoker and I smell of smoke even if I visit for 5 mins. Her clothes are always worm for several days and have stains on. Her hair and personal hygiene is very poor. It makes me feel very lonely to not have a mum with standards like others do. I agree your mum may have depression or a mental health issue. My mum has many signs of mental health problems and is a loner. In fact recently someone said my mums autistic. I think she may be. She's elderly now so no point getting diagnosed.
If your mum seems happy enough then I think you should meet up with her in a cafe etc so it's easier on you than visiting her house to eat
Best wishes

Original poster
merrykate · 15/08/2016 23:48

Wow. Great suggestions here. Thanks everyone.

My mum didn't bring me up but she has been like this all my life. I lived with foster parents who were very clean and I hated visiting my mum's house so rarely did. Our relationship is difficult; I've always felt like her mother. My dad was obsessively clean so I think she retaliated by being the opposite when they divorced. She has no substance addiction issues but is very overweight.

I clean every time I visit her (which is a lot at the moment because I am off work and she's been ill) but she gets quite offended. She thinks shes being quirky and laid back whereas I think it's laziness/loneliness/depression. She is also a mild hoarder- always too much furniture/plants/niknaks for her very small house.

I haven't had a full and frank conversation about it because of how sensitive she is. There are lots of issues here I guess, not just the state of her house.

She works part time but it isn't always regular so she gets more opportunities to laze around than the average person.

OP posts:
DeclutterQueen · 15/08/2016 23:50

Is she a danger to herself and/or others? If so, definitely need to involve social services.
If she doesn't cook, what does she eat?

Original poster
merrykate · 15/08/2016 23:52

She eats bowls of cereal, biscuits, cakes. Occasionally potatoes and beans. Things that are quick and easy and don't require an oven! She hasn't had a working oven for years.

OP posts:
Original poster
merrykate · 15/08/2016 23:54

No I don't think she's a danger to herself or others. She has mentioned autism before though, so that's an interesting viewpoint.

OP posts:
DeclutterQueen · 15/08/2016 23:56

Would she be capable of cooking a meat and 2 veg type meal? Or would she rather just not? Is she getting any protein and vitamin C, apart from the beans?

Original poster
merrykate · 16/08/2016 00:02

She doesn't eat meat and just can't be bothered eating a proper meal. She's so used to small "meals" now that she struggles to eat a full meal. She's always been very restricted in what she will eat. I was similar when I was a kid but grew our of it as you do. I'm going to have to try and talk to her about her house and the food stuff and I'll hopefully be able to help her have a better quality of life.

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 16/08/2016 00:22

She's lucky to have you OP
You sound very kind and decent Flowers

Marysunshine · 16/08/2016 06:53

Good luck with your efforts [Flowers]

Marysunshine · 16/08/2016 06:55
Flowers ......it's early!
heretochat555 · 16/08/2016 07:10

Regarding my comment about autism/Asperger's syndrome (obviously I don't know your mum has it) but sure my mum does and my mum spends little time with other people so she doesn't seem to copy our ideas of keeping to certain standards.
Remember to look after yourself, are you ok or does visiting your mum upset you emotionally? I find it very difficult to tell friends etc about my mum and I started counselling because of this.
I also feel like I'm the mother and my mother is the child. Feel free to send me a message on here if you'd ever like to chat.
Take care

Shiningexample · 16/08/2016 08:31

Some people seem to find domestic chores too tedious, understandable I suppose
You can't make her value health and efficiency enough to want to cook and clean properly though can you?

Shiningexample · 16/08/2016 08:32

Some people are just too far gone

justkeepongoing · 16/08/2016 08:32

merrykate my DF was extremely clean too and I think that this played some part in them separating. It's difficult isn't it but I suppose we have to look after ourselves too and I've found this thread quite eye opening, I didn't realise that there were so many people in our situation. Thank you for starting the thread xx

Shiningexample · 16/08/2016 08:33

(Cue Neil Young...)

spankhurst · 16/08/2016 08:37

I recently visited a married friend with 2 kids and was shocked by the state of her kitchen. I'm pretty sure she has no mental health issues and is a relatively happy and successful person, but God damn it was filthy. I did some tactical cleaning before I left the next day (she was at work). We shared a house for 4 years and she was always untidy and messy, but it's not fair on kids to prepare their meals in squalor.

Fairylea · 16/08/2016 09:14

If I turned up at my mums house with a mop and bucket she would slam the door in my face. She would be very offended. She doesn't think she is that bad (she is that bad!) and thinks I am extreme (I am normal)!

heretochat555 · 16/08/2016 09:30

I second that! Thankyou for starting this post. It can feel like no one else has a parent like this but it's an eye opener to know others have the same worries and concerns and we aren't alone!
Just as this persons user name is called.... "Keep on going"
X

Myusernameismyusername · 16/08/2016 10:22

I have been in similar although my efforts seem to have paid off long term and it has not slumped back to how bad it was before.
She couldn't see it and didn't care. I got sick of cleaning it and my kids absolutely hated being all furry/sticky/crunchy and my kids aren't OCD themselves. It was just gross. Eventually mother relented that she could not manage and actually moved to more suitable accommodation. I was very harsh on her that it's her choice but I will not be her carer/cleaner while this is an active choice to live this way. Also we did not like to visit. Her new place seems to have given her a pride in her surroundings she didn't have before.

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