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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my mum chooses to live this way?

113 replies

merrykate · 13/08/2016 23:34

My mum is 60, single and lives alone... In absolute squalor. I've always disliked visiting her house because of how dirty the place is. She seems incapable of having anything nice. Everywhere is a right mess, especially the kitchen. There's always a ton of washing up, dirty surfaces, clutter everywhere and I just don't understand how anybody can live like this. She doesn't even own handwash/soap, tea towels, a mop bucket even plates and cups because she refuses to cook. She's a very lazy person and can happily sit in her pjs all day watching TV. It's a shame because hardly any of her friends or other relatives visit her, probably because they feel the same way as me about her house. Is it a sign of depression? She probably is quite lonely and stuck in a rut, although she's been a total slob for as long as i can remember. Should I bring it up with her or just accept it's who she is? She seems oblivious and was deeply offended when I made a joke about not wanting to cook in her dirty kitchen. Even the cutlery in the cutlery drawer is dirty! I feel like an awful person writing this as I do love my mum and I do a lot for her but I just want to understand why she lives this way.

OP posts:
Katherine2626 · 15/08/2016 17:50

I watched a few episodes of 'Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners'; some of the stories were so sad as people had deeply entrenched reasons that had set them on the downward slide of dirt and squalor. I do agree we are all different and one person's idea of cleanliness might be met with screams of horror from another, but this does sound rather bad. Do you think your Mum might need to have the house blitzed by a cleaning company to get her back to a state of reasonable hygiene? A few hours of elbow grease from a couple of cleaners wouldn't be too excessive and might help her to see her way through the muddle - often it just gets too much and people give up. Why not offer that and perhaps take her out to get her hair trimmed or something while they are there.

paranoidmother · 15/08/2016 18:19

My Mother is like this and probably has early dementia and depression. My mum can't understand that the DC's don't want to visit her there because even they can't stand the mess, dirt etc. She's also a hoarder. I've spoken to my GP and he says that there is nothing they can do until she shows some sort of sign that she is forgetting everyday things. If they can't make a cup of tea in the right order etc.

I find it very difficult but I can't do anything about it.

Good luck

gingersam · 15/08/2016 18:26

My sister was like this horrible greasy dog hair infested kitchen but got the rage if I offered or did help she had tow bikes in her bedroom a hole in the ceiling and no bathroom flooring or bath panel or tiles Combination of crappy unfinished diy by ex partner and just inertia long story short I ended up buying her place now she has a smaller rental and copes fine she just stopped seeing it cleaning that cooker was soooo satisfying the urge to interfere is strong in me

JessieMcJessie · 15/08/2016 18:28

What was she like when you were growing up- has she always had an aversion to cleaning or is it just in latter years she has become like this? My Mum had a bit of a tendency to let things slide after a period of multiple bereavements and other issues and it was all the more noticeable as she had been a model housewife throughout our childhood. However she did say that she was fed up keeping up standards for other people, which was probably fair enough. I agree with others who say that going in and offering to clean for her/ get a cleaner may backfire though, as I really upset my Mum by blundering in and doing that.

Tess123 · 15/08/2016 18:51

OP, why aren't you (and maybe your brothers and/or sisters) helping your mum, instead of just complaining about it? Either get stuck in to the cleaning yourselves, or bring in professional cleaners? She's your mum, she raised you....maybe give something back?

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 15/08/2016 18:55

The problem is Tess is that when people get stuck in ruts like this it's very unlikely that doing a whole big clean will fix things - it addresses the symptoms not the underlying cause.

It may be that OP's mum is a bit lazy and needs a kick up the arse, but if that's not the case then cleaning up after her will just make her feel more out of control and make it worse in the long term.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/08/2016 18:56

It's worth bearing in mind that professional cleaners would not be prepared to de clutter a house.

GarlicMistake · 15/08/2016 18:59

it's very unlikely that doing a whole big clean will fix things - it addresses the symptoms not the underlying cause.

So what? Confused

Lorelei76 · 15/08/2016 19:01

OP what is your impression of this, do you think it's a choice?

Portia said something about feeding her, I got the impression she lives on takeaway rather than starving!

validusername · 15/08/2016 19:04

My mum is like this and although she hasn't told me has depression I have seen boxes of anti-depressants lying around the house.

chopchopchop · 15/08/2016 19:06

There are professional cleaners who will declutter a house in whatever state it is in. I know, we got them in for my mother (and you'd be amazed how much work they get too).

But what's been said above is true: doing a big clean won't work if the person at the centre doesn't want it done. The house will be back to the same state within 6 months if not less. And what DodosNest said above was definitely true of my mother - the more I bustled round the worse I made her feel.

Having said all that, squalor - as opposed to hoarding - is also linked quite strongly to frontal lobe problems. Does she drink too (that was the probable cause for my mother). If not it might be worth getting her checked for this particular type of dementia.

There are a few forums for children of hoarders, which I think can really help as you're not alone. But really I think it's like alcoholics: it can only be fixed if that person wants to change.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 15/08/2016 19:08

Many of the people in a hoarding situation have underlying problems. The way they live and the clutter around them is a former of security. It is not usually possible for anyone to remove the hoarded stuff; in fact, doing so might lead to huge distress for the so called hoarder.

justkeepongoing · 15/08/2016 19:09

My DM is a hoarder who has now sadly developed Vascular Dementia. She' s always been like this. As a child I hated inviting friends to the house because it wasn't like my friends houses. As a result I keep my home very tidy and get very stressed if it starts to look a little unkempt! My DSis and DB are the same. We've tried to reason with DM but to no avail and even visited her GP for support and advice. The grandchildren have never stayed at her home and quite frankly I'd be reluctant to let them as I'd be worried that they'd pick some infection up. As much as we love our DM dearly it's had a negative impact on her relationships with family no friends. Her partner is reluctant for us to help and he wouldn't let me in the house recently as my brother alerted me to he fact that the fridge had been inadvertently switched off. I worry for her but know that the only time we will be able to do something about it is when she either goes into care or passes away. The bottom line is she seems to care more for all her belongings than she cares about us her family. Her hoarding comes before us.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/08/2016 19:10

I stand corrected, ChopChop. What do the cleaners do with all the stuff/clutter? Does it get thrown away?

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 15/08/2016 19:12

@GarlicMistake
So what? Because the situation will be back to Square 1 within months. In addition, you will have made a bad situation worse.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 15/08/2016 19:12

That sounds very hard for you, JustKeep. Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 15/08/2016 19:14

it's very unlikely that doing a whole big clean will fix things - it addresses the symptoms not the underlying cause.

So what? confused

It just goes back to how it was before and the frustration at seeing it so horrible is even worse. I've been through this cycle with my mother more than once.

Rubies12345 · 15/08/2016 19:17

She's a very lazy person and can happily sit in her pjs all day watching TV

Does she not work then?

TanteJeanne · 15/08/2016 19:19

Hoarding is a different issue from lack of cleaning but obviously the two can go together. Hoarding tends to be linked to anxiety caused by a loss. A lack of cleaning can often suggest a lack of interest in life...

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 15/08/2016 19:20

Garlic Well for one, if her DM is dependent on the mess then cleaning up is very counterproductive. Yes it will need repeating every few months, but more critically it could cause her mother deep distress and actually make things worse in the long term.

I've not experienced hoarding issues, but have had disordered eating and for me, people addressing the symptom (by making me eat more) just made me need to control things more and increased my anxiety making symptoms worse.

MrsMook · 15/08/2016 19:34

My mum is a hoarder who is losing control as she ages into crazy cat lady. Different to the OPs situation in that her self care is good, but the house is increasingly getting dirtier over time as she struggles to maintain an oversized, aging house, mountains of clutter/ treasured possessions.

The clutter is psychological as she has had phases of abrupt losses where she has moved on suddenly leaving everything behind. So in the years of stability she's hoarded everything. Woe betide you if you throw out a fashion magazine where she may yet want to read the 30+ year old horoscope. Less rational concerns have also crept in such as throwing out junk mail that has her address on incase someone steals her details.

Although she's out of her depth to most people, she isn't ready to accept help, and foisting "help" on her is more likely to be counterproductive. I'd rather keep quiet on the subject but let her know I'm there to assist should her mindset change.

If they are otherwise sound enough in mind and health, there's very little that can be done in defiance of their wishes.

justkeepongoing · 15/08/2016 19:35

I empathise wholeheartedly merrykate Wine

karen2406 · 15/08/2016 19:40

Very difficult situation op & I feel for you & your mum.
She may be depressed but sometimes it's hard to admit to yourself let alone anyone else. Does she have siblings that could help you have the conversation with your mum? If she doesn't cook what is she living on? Food can seriously affect mood too. I'm a depressive who manages with medication and I know how easy it would be for me to slip into a situation like your mum's. Good luck whatever you choose to do 💐

squidgyapple · 15/08/2016 19:52

My dad's house is like this too, plus he has hoarding tendencies. But I don't think he's depressed - he just doesn't see having a neat house as a priority.

Woe betide you if you throw out a fashion magazine where she may yet want to read the 30+ year old horoscope.

Dad's the same except with computer/gardening mags. I have to laugh at all the suggestions to get a cleaner as if it's that simple - I did suggest dad got a cleaner years ago - suggestion didn't go down well.

GarlicMistake · 15/08/2016 20:40

Well, I dunno. I'd love someone to come and sort out my squalor. They won't, though. Either they want to throw everything away (this clutter is actually my belongings in untidy heaps, not rubbish or even hoarding!) or they make sympathetic noises but never actually help.

Sure it would go downhill again, because I can't cope. But it would be better.

I find it rather odd when the assumption is so often made that a person who might need help, won't want it. If you mean it, why not offer? And if you don't mean it, why pretend you would if only your 'helpee' were worthy?