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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not invited to weddings with partner

116 replies

Angelic999 · 13/08/2016 20:35

Hi,

I am reaching that age when everybody around me is getting married, as is my dp of around one year (but off and on longer than that).

I have been feeling a bit sensitive and left out of his life and circles of friends as I have not been invited to any of the weddings he will be attending/has attended recently (around seven in total). At first I just brushed it off although I was slightly offended, but now I am beginning to question why I am being left out of so many invitations.

I always thought that if someone was in a relationship, out of courtesy you would extend the invitation to them as well even if you do not know them so well.

I am also paranoid that maybe it is simply that they don't know of my existence. If so this doesn't look positive for our relationship going forwards. He doesn't express an opinion on whether or not I should be invited he just tells me he is going to a wedding.

Any thoughts on plus one etiquette?

OP posts:

Topsy44 · 13/08/2016 22:08

I would be really hurt if I wasn't invited to weddings after seeing someone for a year. Perhaps time for a frank chat about how he feels?

Trills · 13/08/2016 22:23

Imperial my Facebook does not say anything about relationship status - it's not a given that it'll say Single.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 13/08/2016 22:23

YABU. Clearly his friends don't see him as being in a serious relationship, and from their point of view, I wouldn't either. You split badly, you had 6 months apart, you got back together slowly, it doesn't even state of FB that you are in a relationship and you don't live near each other. When considering limited places at occasions like a wedding, I wouldn't have you as a +1 either. And I don't think every couple should always be invited. I'd prioritise my family and close friends over friends partners. Which is exactly what I did at my wedding. Some people can't accommodate loads and loads of extra guests.

Memoires · 13/08/2016 22:24

I can promise you that in my family no one has ever invited a 'plus one'. You'd have to be formally engaged to get into one of ours, I'm afraid.

Original poster

Angelic999 · 13/08/2016 22:32

I undertand that I wouldn't be invited to all weddings. But not to any not even as an evening guest??

OP posts:

Notbread · 13/08/2016 22:44

I went to 7 weddings in a year, it was a slog.

An old school friend of mine was shagging a woman who he would never admit was his girlfriend/partner/whatever. I refused to put her on the guest list and she turned up anyway. I think he was lying to everyone about what was going on. He came out shortly afterwards just to add a twist to it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/08/2016 22:51

It sounds as if he hasn't told them that he's in a relationship at all - not with you or anybody else. Speak to him about it; nobody else can really get to the bottom of it because we (including you) don't know the facts.

Don't be surprised to find that you're not a 'DP' as far as he is concerned.

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2016 22:51

Trills, I don't use FB so it was an innocent question!

TheNaze73 · 13/08/2016 23:19

What HarryPotter says ^

ZenNudist · 13/08/2016 23:27

I'm sorry but I think he isn't giving his friends the idea that you're a couple.

It doesn't seem like an established relationship to the outside observer. I think if I were his friends they likely wouldn't even consider you unless your bf told them.

I'd be having a chat with him that it's hurtful to you.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 13/08/2016 23:38

No, not even as an evening guest. A friend of mine got married. There was a large group of us, a few got invited to the wedding and the rest to the evening because of numbers. None of us had +1s and we were all married and friend knew our DH's. We understood as it would have bumped the numbers up by another 10 people.

TheNaze73 · 13/08/2016 23:51

Exactly that, it's so expensive to invite guests & if people are limited to say 100 day guests & an extra 150 on top on the evening, the +1's would only be added on if struggling for numbers.

mayaknew · 13/08/2016 23:57

From past threads I've seen on here sometimes MN can be different to what I've experienced IRL, but IME boyfriends/girlfriends/partners etc are always invited, even if the host hasn't met them. The only exception I think to this is when a group are invited as a "group" eg the boys from the Sunday league

Charley50 · 14/08/2016 00:07

Sadly, AGenie is correct.

davos · 14/08/2016 06:25

I undertand that I wouldn't be invited to all weddings. But not to any not even as an evening guest??

look at it from their point of view. They have to pay for every guest. So giving everyone a plus one may not be reasonable.

You are the on/off girlfriend of a friend of theirs. They hardly know you, You don't live together, and (as far as they know) aren't serious. Also they will all know about the drunken argument and probably prefer not to tempt fate.

I can't work out how long you have been back together. But invitations are sent months in advance too. So you would have been back together even less time.

The other issue could be that if you go but don't know anyone it means he would need to spend the entire evening with you. So he may not want your go yet. Which sounds pretty heartless. But me and dh had a rule that we didn't go to each others works parties. Because we would spend the entire time worrying wether the other one was ok and feeling included. It was easier to relax and enjoy it on our own.

I'll repeat what I said yesterday. The wedding invitations aren't the issue. The issue is that your don't know where you stand with this relationship and see the invitations as validation of the relationship. But it's not. How others view your relationship isn't important. You need to speak to him about your relationship and figure out where he is, where you are and wether that's ok with you.

19lottie82 · 14/08/2016 09:18

His friends don't know he's in a relationship with you.

If it was one wedding, or even 2, then it could be an oversight or a cost issue. But 7? They think he's single.

Original poster

Angelic999 · 14/08/2016 09:54

I spoke to him this morning over the phone and asked him about the last few weddings. It is clear the bride and groom of these don't know I exist, as he just said one are family friends and he doesn't talk to them day to day and he was surprised he had been invited to the wedding of the other (although this was the one with 400 people). He didn't really see my point that if people don't know about me then they won't invite me.

I asked him whether his friends know about me and he said the ones he speaks to regularly do. Whether they think we are dating or serious or a fling I have no idea.

As for upcoming weddings I doubt I will be invited. He didn't seem to be concerned that I wasn't invited.

I need to talk properly face to face and ask him where he sees our relationship going.

OP posts:

HeddaLettuce · 14/08/2016 10:18

That many weddings? There is no way he wasn't offered a plus one at any of them, not a chance. It's not them not inviting you, its him. He doesn't want to take you to these weddings.

Original poster

Angelic999 · 14/08/2016 10:23

The invitations I have seen have been addressed to him solely, but I would be surprised if there wasn't a conversation beforehand regarding his relationship status.

OP posts:

HeddaLettuce · 14/08/2016 10:25

Yeah, as in "do you need a plus one?" Him: "No".

Original poster

Angelic999 · 14/08/2016 10:32

Exactly!! Hmm I wish he would just be honest with me.

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 14/08/2016 10:39

He is a bit of a closed book and doesn't express much to me

This is a much bigger problem than getting invited to parties. If your DP isn't fully committed to the relationship then he is going to keep things arms length, likely isn't talking about you to his friends and sounds like he is compartmentalising his relationship with you.

If he continues to act like a single man, thinks of himself as a single man, goes to functions as a single man, guess what, he's a single man.

You need to agree together the basis of your relationship, the invitation stuff is a symptom of a bigger issues! you need to fix the root cause.

Grannypants1 · 14/08/2016 10:39

It really does should like you are more involved than he is. Have you had a talk about how serious your relationship is? I am guessing if you have been together a year you do a lot of stuff together usually you naturally have pictures together on facebook from trips and says out. Usually you can tell a relationship straight away without the status. If he isnt willing to "make it public" (even though it obv matters to you) because he feels it is "childish" maybe the issue is he doesn't care enough or to him it is casual. It sounds like his friends aren't aware of you.

TSSDNCOP · 14/08/2016 10:50

I had the same thing with an old boyfriend. Turns out, even though we'd lived together 6 months, some friends didn't know I existed. Some friends who did, only invited him to their wedding.

The root of it all was him. Had he wanted me there, I'd have been invited. But he had given his friends the impression I was no one of great importance and as a result I didn't make the cut.

So here's the thing, I had to decide there and then how important I wanted to be. Turns out it was more important to be with someone that was happy and proud to be with me than simply an unseen dimension in someone else's life.

everdene · 14/08/2016 10:58

Op do you think he would call you his partner, as you do him?

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