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Original poster

Not invited to weddings with partner

116 replies

Angelic999 · 13/08/2016 20:35

Hi,

I am reaching that age when everybody around me is getting married, as is my dp of around one year (but off and on longer than that).

I have been feeling a bit sensitive and left out of his life and circles of friends as I have not been invited to any of the weddings he will be attending/has attended recently (around seven in total). At first I just brushed it off although I was slightly offended, but now I am beginning to question why I am being left out of so many invitations.

I always thought that if someone was in a relationship, out of courtesy you would extend the invitation to them as well even if you do not know them so well.

I am also paranoid that maybe it is simply that they don't know of my existence. If so this doesn't look positive for our relationship going forwards. He doesn't express an opinion on whether or not I should be invited he just tells me he is going to a wedding.

Any thoughts on plus one etiquette?

OP posts:
Bomb · 13/08/2016 21:27

I don't think it's the least bit odd that you haven't been invited. You would be a virtual stranger to the bride and groom.

It would be a bit different if you lived with him but even then if you have only been going out for a year then I don't think it's a big deal if you weren't invited

CotswoldStrife · 13/08/2016 21:28

Hmm, I still suspect he is keeping your relationship quiet among his friends (you say you see his family) but there is a slight possibility that they don't trust you not to give a repeat performance after drinking Hmm

kali110 · 13/08/2016 21:30

If they've barely met you, and you've been on and off ( now you're serious, but they may not know that) i don't blame them for not inviting you, even the one who had 400 guests.
They don't know you well.
years and years ago when friends got married i told them not to invite my dp as we'd only been together few months when they started planning. I said neither of us would be offended . He was invited but if he hadn't we would have understood.
If you'd been together for 18months or longer ( without a break) then i'd think it were weird.
Or Maybe your dp hasn't told his friends about you.
Maybe he hasn't changed his fb status for a reason?

davos · 13/08/2016 21:33

I think firstly you need to ask him about your relationship.

Just because you think it's serious doesn't mean you can assume he does.

I really don't see why any of these people would have invited you to their weddings. Regardless of what he has told them.

You were on/off, split and got back together over a year ago. You haven't spent anytime with these people in the last year and don't live with your boyfriend. So I can't see why they would be obliged to invite you or why you would be offended that they haven't.

Sounds like your problem is that you don't want to have a conversation with your boyfriend about your relationship, but are focusing on the wedding invites instead.

Floralnomad · 13/08/2016 21:35

I don't think its odd that you are not invited but I do think it's odd that he obviously isn't bothered that you are not invited and is happy to go alone to an event where it will probably be mainly couples . I don't think this man sees you as a long term partner .

DinosaursRoar · 13/08/2016 21:35

Agree you might not have been back together long when the guest lists were drawn up.

If you don't live together, have a history of break ups, and public rows (even if it was just the once, nervous brides focus on the things that could go wrong ), and don't socialise with any of them, and they aren't the sort of weddings were all the single people are getting 'plus one' invites, then its not all that surprising you haven't been invited.

But perhaps a chat with him about how serious this is for him, and how important these friends are, does he want you to be part of that group?

Cosmo111 · 13/08/2016 21:35

I agree with davos the wedding is a red herring, the relationship status is the real issue you want more out of it than he does

Trills · 13/08/2016 21:36

If I were his friend I might easily not invite you.

I haven't seen you much.

You don't live together.

You split up for a while, and he has not made it clear (to me) that you are serious now.

Wedding invitations tend to go out months before the event itself.

I would not consider you to be a safe bet for still being together when the wedding actually happened.

madgingermunchkin · 13/08/2016 21:38

My ex and I didn't live together, but I was invited to the wedding of a friend of his that I had never even met

It sounds like you need to have a serious conversation about where you both stand in your relationship.

WorraLiberty · 13/08/2016 21:39

He's not your partner, he's your boyfriend.

I think that makes a difference here, especially when sending out invites and planning a big event so far ahead.

Gazelda · 13/08/2016 21:40

OP, if the drunken split was "over a year ago", then you were apart for 6 n you've slowly been getting serious, it doesn't sound as through you've been BF/GF for many months. Apologies if I've got my maths wrong.
The invites probably went out 3 months ago, and the guest list drawn up many months before that. So it's plausible that you weren't included because you were only recently his GF after a volatile period.

However, he doesn't seem keen to show you off as his GF, and it's strange that you don't feel you can suggest a BBQ to him so you can get to know his friends.

Nobodysproblem · 13/08/2016 21:49

when's his birthday? Suggest he has a party or night out? Will allow you to meet all his friends and maybe redo past actions?

JustMarriedBecca · 13/08/2016 21:50

I agree. Weddings are £100-200 a head. We invited close friend couples and those where we knew the couple separately. For work colleagues, football friends and University mates who would know other people there, we didn't invite partners.

It sounds to me that you've only been back together for a few months so we wouldn't have invited you either. I'm married, have one DD and one en route and sometimes I don't get invitations for football friends or 'boy friend' weddings unless we socialise with the couple together.

I wouldn't expect my partner to be upset on my behalf either. It's just a wedding invitation. You should know from your actual relationship day to day how he views you

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 13/08/2016 21:53

Having 400 guests does not necessarily suggest a grand affair. Small select gathering does!

e1y1 · 13/08/2016 21:54

Doesn't an invitation normally always extend to a +1? (Whoever that +1 maybe). Why would someone want to attend a wedding/party completely on their own?

Unless it's a family do, then what is one person on their own going to do? I realise that usually, a guest will know other guests and as such, will be circulating, but still, out of courtesy if nothing else an invitation would normally include a +1.

Every invitation I have sent or received has always included an extended invite to a guest - is that not the norm?

Thesunrising · 13/08/2016 21:56

Perhaps this is more about his relationship with his friends. Are they really very close? Does he see them much? Do they really consider him to be a 'friend'? Or just someone they hang out with occasionally and he's getting the obligation invite for old times sake? It's odd because if he's really a good mate then close friends would usually give a friend a 'plus one' on the invite. And if they knew good friend had a girlfriend, at least some couples, statistically out of 7, would have mentioned you by name on the invite. Only other scenario is that ALL his friends are big unthinking meanies.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 13/08/2016 21:58

I don't think it's odd - when DH and I got married we only invited long-term partners of our friends (i.e. several years together). At £65 per head we weren't going to invite people we'd either never met it had only met a couple of times.

All my friends and family apply the same rule, it's really not unusual.

You mention that his friends don't really know you, and that on one of the rare occasions they met you there was an altercation between you and your boyfriend. I don't blame them for not inviting you if this has been their only impression of you (even though I'm sure you're lovely usually!).

As a PP said, how about organising a dinner party to get to know his friends better?

Trills · 13/08/2016 21:59

In my experience weddings NEVER have a +1

They may have Name + PartnerName.

Never ever Name + guest-of-your-choice

i8sum314 · 13/08/2016 21:59

it sounds like he's just passing time with you, fond of you, attracted to you, but you are his grey area. He hasn't put it 'out there' that he's now with somebody in the kind of way that she would be included.

It's happened to me and it's really hard to acknowledge. But acknowledge it.

DinosaursRoar · 13/08/2016 22:00

I guess it depends how many of the group are single, if you have a lot of single friends, then it's easier not to do 'plus one' invites for everyone, but have a table for them together.

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2016 22:01

So if his FB doesn't say "In a Relationship", what does it say?

e1y1 · 13/08/2016 22:02

Looked it up on The Knot and the official etiquette is a plus one should be granted for everyone who is married, engaged or living together, regardless if you know the partner or not, anything else is rude.

Heidi42 · 13/08/2016 22:03

He probably wants to go on his own to be able to get pissed and possibly screw around/act like a single man ? If you don't see the invites then how do you know you are not invited ? He sounds a right prick, any normal man would want to have a partner on their arm to share the day with be careful op he sounds dodgy

lastqueenofscotland · 13/08/2016 22:03

The last two weddings I've been invited to didn't have +1s due to budget constraints. I'd not be fussed to be honest, I'd not want a bunch of strangers at my wedding because it's "courtesy" to invite someone's other half who I've never met.

AGenie · 13/08/2016 22:05

From my own experience, I'd say that if you are having to ask us rather than him, then that's not a great sign. If the relationship is working then you can just ask the guy and he answers the question.