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Original poster

Not invited to weddings with partner

116 replies

Angelic999 · 13/08/2016 20:35

Hi,

I am reaching that age when everybody around me is getting married, as is my dp of around one year (but off and on longer than that).

I have been feeling a bit sensitive and left out of his life and circles of friends as I have not been invited to any of the weddings he will be attending/has attended recently (around seven in total). At first I just brushed it off although I was slightly offended, but now I am beginning to question why I am being left out of so many invitations.

I always thought that if someone was in a relationship, out of courtesy you would extend the invitation to them as well even if you do not know them so well.

I am also paranoid that maybe it is simply that they don't know of my existence. If so this doesn't look positive for our relationship going forwards. He doesn't express an opinion on whether or not I should be invited he just tells me he is going to a wedding.

Any thoughts on plus one etiquette?

OP posts:
davos · 13/08/2016 20:54

Without sounding awful. If you have been off and on and it maybe that his friends don't see you as a long term partner.

Or rather they don't want to invite someone they last saw over a year ago.

I may have misunderstood but You say you have been together a year but off and on since before then.

Did you last get back together a year ago and you haven't seen his friends since?

Or did you get back together more recently?

DeathStare · 13/08/2016 20:54

I think either your boyfriend hasn't told them that you're back together or he's given them the impression that your relationship isn't serious.

Enidblyton1 · 13/08/2016 20:55

Hmmm, tricky one. Seeing as you don't know these people well (or in some cases not at all?) you don't know anything about their weddings. They might have very strict guest numbers, possibly due to small venue size or wedding budget. So you really shouldn't expect to be invited in such circumstances.
However, 7 weddings is a lot! Are some of these people perhaps old friends (eg uni) of dp who are inviting him for old times sake and who he probably won't be in touch with in another 5 years? That could also explain why they are not bothered about including you. If they are people who your dp considers close/lifelong friends perhaps you need to get to know them! Ask your dp - he can probably explain and put your mind at rest.
But never expect to be invited to a wedding just because you are a plus one. There is no 'rule' about inviting someone's girlfriend/boyfriend to a wedding.

Original poster
Angelic999 · 13/08/2016 20:56

We were casual it ended badly. And then we had a break of about six months and got back together slowly but then we now call each other each other's bf/gf etc. We don't live together, we live quite far away but I come and stay with him for long periods and vice versa.

OP posts:
davos · 13/08/2016 20:56

Sorry cross post.

You have been back together a year and not seen his friends since.

I would say either they don't know you are back together or are under the impression (either assumed or your dp is giving them it) that you are not serious.

Does your dp think you are serious? You say it's become more serious to you, does he feel the same?

Original poster
Angelic999 · 13/08/2016 21:00

Enid- of course so wouldn't assume to be invited. But with him going to so many weddings I started to feel left out and then question why I hadn't been invited to at least one (eg the one with 400 people!).

He is a bit of a closed book and doesn't express much to me so maybe I have read the whole situation wrong and believe us to be more serious than we in fact are. I have met his family many times, including parents, siblings and some friends local to him although I don't know them well.

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 13/08/2016 21:01

If you don't live together and live far away from him (and I assume his friends) and when you stay you mostly just see him and not his friends too then I guess they just don't see you as a serious long term partner, it's kind of understandable - if you want to be included make an effort to get to know them, throw a party together?

Original poster
Angelic999 · 13/08/2016 21:06

Throwing a party for his friends many of whom I have never or briefly met, when I stay with him isn't really my call to make. Surely that is for him to do. He keeps us seperate and now I am starting to question why.

OP posts:
Becky546 · 13/08/2016 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

champagneplanet · 13/08/2016 21:11

Surely he should be as peeved as you are if other partners were invited to these do's and you weren't?

Personally if you were a new girlfriend I'd have invited you along to the evening do, I've seen that a lot eg when guests list where finalised prior to the relationship starting. But you're not in a new relationship, I'd be very suspicious if I were you.

Pearlman · 13/08/2016 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeathStare · 13/08/2016 21:14

Honestly the more you say, the more it sounds as if he is telling you and his friends two different stories about your relationship - if he's telling them anything at all.

Are you sure he's monogamous?

CotswoldStrife · 13/08/2016 21:16

Did the bad ending to the casual relationship involve one of his friends, one that is in the circle of friends that the weddings are in (if that makes sense!)?

OneMoreForExtra · 13/08/2016 21:19

If it wasn't for the weddings, would you be completely happy about the relationship? There are all sorts of possible explanations for this happening once, but 7 times is a pattern. Reminds me of an on/off relationship I had with someone who was similarly a bit of a closed book, whose friends and family I barely saw. For some reason I rationalized all of it, even coming round for a shag after drinking with his mates on a Saturday rather than doing something together. Then he organized a big birthday party for himself, and didn't invite me because I wouldn't know people/might not like that his ex-girlfriends were there. Finally clicked and moved on. But saying you're equally peripheral, but such compartmentalising on his part is a bit of a warning.

Nannawifeofbaldr · 13/08/2016 21:19

Isn't your call to make? You've been together a year!

You just say "hey, I'd like to get to know your friends a bit better, next time I'm visiting let's have a bbq/go to the pub/have a meal/get a takeaway."

It's not difficult or unusual.

foursillybeans · 13/08/2016 21:19

I wouldn't be too worried. You don't sound like you spend much or any time with his friends. If the relationship is good then I would enjoy it and concentrate on this and not worry about the weddings. Suggest meeting his friends generally and for dinner, etc and see if you all get on. But don't worry about the weddings.Smile Don't be hurt. It's really not worth it and bound to be about money or space and not you.

Welshrainbow · 13/08/2016 21:20

If it is weddings that have happened in the last couple of months when those couples were drawing up their guest lists you probably weren't together and even if you were it wouldn't have been for long. I would be wary of inviting people's partners to my wedding if they hadn't even been together for a year st the time I was drawing out my guest list. It's a little surprising that you haven't been invited to any evening dos if they are local but again it depends how many they could accommodate and if their list was already full.

If you're not sure if he even tells people about you then why not ask him?

OneMoreForExtra · 13/08/2016 21:20

not saying

Benedikte2 · 13/08/2016 21:20

I wonder if Deathstare has a point. Does your DP give his friends the impression he is still on the look out for "the one"?
Maybe he's fond enough of you but has no intention of committing?
Maybe you need to find out before you waste any more time on this relationship. Painful, I know but you'll know where you stand.
Good luck

Squabblesallaround · 13/08/2016 21:20

Zoobeedoo just posted exactly my experience.... to the letter! As such I would now be very suspicious if a DP continually had single invites to a 'do' when he is part of a couple. I would talk to him OP, ask directly if his friends are aware of you. 2/3 weddings without a plus one = fair enough...7?! No

Pearlman · 13/08/2016 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Angelic999 · 13/08/2016 21:21

No his friends witnessed a big drunk enough argument though which probably didn't paint me in the best light. But that was over a year ago! However, all of the weddings he has attended weren't even present for that. Upcoming weddings some of them were. I am very suspicious he had not told anybody we are still seeing each other or passed it off as casual. Sad

OP posts:
WhatTheActualFugg · 13/08/2016 21:23

Perhaps suggest you both host a dinner party next time you're at his?

It sounds like you need to try and intergrate yourself in to his friendship group. If he's not open to the idea, then it's time to question why.

Pearlman · 13/08/2016 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Judydreamsofhorses · 13/08/2016 21:25

My partner and I do live together, have been together six years, and recently he was invited to a wedding without me. The couple wanted to keep costs down and not have anyone they didn't know well (I've only met them briefly, the groom was DP's school/university friend) there. I wasn't at all suspicious, although I was a bit miffed when I was stuck picking the wedding present!