Sarcastic Horoscopes
www.captaincynic.com/thread/14493/sarcastic-horoscopes.htm
CAPRICORN
(December 22 -January 20)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
AQUARIUS
(January 21 - February 19)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined toward progressiveness. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
PISCES
(February 20 - March 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think that you are being followed by the F.B.I. or the C.I.A. You have a minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pieces people screw small animals and pick their nose a lot.
ARIES
(March 2 - April 20)
You are the pioneer and hold most of people in contempt. You are quick tempered and impatient and scornful of Advice. You are a prick.
TAURUS
(April 21 - May 21)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell.. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a Goddamn Communist.
GEMINI
(May 22 - June 21)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.
CANCER
(June 22 - July 23)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples' problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and never be worth shit.
LEO
(July 24 - August 23)
You consider yourself a born leader, Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting, Leo people are thriving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO
(August 24 - September 23)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
LIBRA
(September 24 - October 23)
You are the artistic type, and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably a queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent, because most Libra women are whores. All Libras usually get venereal disease.
SCORPIO
(October 24 - November 22)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son of a Bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 23 - December 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you because you are always getting fucked.