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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my mum and my brothers wife

104 replies

Sunshinerainbows123 · 11/08/2016 13:42

So I went to work for a kit day yesterday and my mum had my dd for the day this is the first full day she's had her. When she's had her for an hour she always says she cried a lot and I tried everything to soothe her which makes me anxious as mum is going to have dd 2 days a week when I go back to work. Yesterday my mum called my sil (brothers wife) who has two boys to come round to see if she could get my dd to settle as shed tried everything and didn't want to bother me while at work. Apparently sil got my dd to sleep and settled her. She then left her youngest ds with my mum who's just had an op so she could take my oldest nephew swimming as apparently he's had a boring few days with his brother swimming and my mum said definitely go she'll be fine with the little ones because dd had gone to sleep and I was due back in an hour.
Aibu to think my mum should have just spent the day with my dd on her own and sil shouldn't have left youngest nephew when she knows my dd had been unsettled

OP posts:

SuperFlyHigh · 11/08/2016 14:13

YABVU and very PFB.

You're lucky you have a good relationship with your SIL and really to expect her stay to watch over your sleeping DD is ridiculous - especially as your DM was there and as she is due to mind your DD 2 days a week when you return to work it'd be good for her to watch your DD sleeping OR if DD had woken up yesterday without SIL being present to figure out what to do without SIL...

You seriously expect SIL not to take her DS swimming?

I also don't understand - why is your DM watching your DD if she's just had an operation (op) (see above re SIL being present) in the first place? Does this scenario with your DD waking up mean your DM couldn't manage after her operation (op) and therefore what was she doing looking after your DD in the first place? In that case you should have arranged alternative childcare if your DM wasn't well at enough at THIS time to look after your DD after her operation (op).

NoFuchsGiven · 11/08/2016 14:15

I see now that you do not like your SIL very much.

Happylandpirate · 11/08/2016 14:15

OP I could have written your post 4 years ago when my DD was my pfb!!! Yes I thought when MY child is with my mum I don't want her to have any distractions because she's looking after MY child - I decided to pay for childcare but there was the odd occasion when I needed my mums help. I got over myself pretty quickly though and yes I look back now at some of things I thought and I do cringe!! (I never voiced my opinion coz probably deep down I knew I was being ridiculous) I'm completely over myself now and current pregnant with DC2 - I know I'll be a lot more relaxed!!! So yes you are being unreasonable but it can be understandable and I'd let it go please don't voice your opinions to your DM as one day you'll know how daft and precious you sound!!!

SuperFlyHigh · 11/08/2016 14:16

One on one time after an operation for your DM where as you state later, "left her youngest ds with my mum who's just had an op so she could take my oldest nephew swimming" - so why mention the op if you didn't think it was unfair on your DM which presumably that is what you mean??

MaudGonneMad · 11/08/2016 14:16

No, it was the younger nephew who had the. operation.

Upthetree100 · 11/08/2016 14:17

You are being jealous but not unreasonable. Other posters have said that if she's not a paid carer then you don't get to choose who else she has over, but I don't think it much to do with childcare and more to do with you wanting your mum to spend quality time with your daughter. That's not unreasonable. Given that you say you all get on why don't you speak to your mum about it?

Happylandpirate · 11/08/2016 14:18

And just to add "my brothers wife" does sound resentful or that you dislike her. My DB and his long term girlfriend aren't even married, they probably never will, but she's still my SIL!!!!

SuperFlyHigh · 11/08/2016 14:19

NoFuchsGiven - do you think this is new mum talk as she refers to her SIL as "baby whisperer - all babies like her etc? A bit of jealousy?

CoolioAndTheGang · 11/08/2016 14:20

Yabu but you realise it now. It's not a competition, your mum loves all her gc equally. It makes a nice change from the usual favoritism shown to daughter's children over son & dil's children that so many women experience. I think your sil was grateful for the help especially when her baby has had an op and they've been indoors for a few days with a 4 year old.

SuperFlyHigh · 11/08/2016 14:21

Maudgonnemad - oh apologies OP very unclear from your OP - it was your nephew and not DM who'd had the operation...

still your SIL came over and looked after and got your DD to sleep AFTER her own DS (your DNephew) had had his operation - not sure I would have done that in her position and she is being very kind and considerate of you and also of your DM - she didn't have to help get your DD to sleep.

CotswoldStrife · 11/08/2016 14:22

So it was only the last hour or two of a full day anyway (that your SIL and her children were there) but somehow that equates in your mind to a lost day?

It is up to your mum if she wants one on one time with your child really, but if it's going to cause you stress then you may need to rethink this arrangement.

LuchiMangsho · 11/08/2016 14:23

If you want uninterrupted 1-1 attention, pay for childcare. Plenty of us do.

The younger nephew has had an op, he has been ill. He is having a nice day with his granny while his younger cousin is asleep. I cannot see what there is to be jealous about.

Yes your DD was unsettled, but SIL sorted that. Maybe she will be less settled if there is an older child to entertain her/play with.

Finally, if your Mum is going to have your daughter two days a week there will be plenty of time for quality bonding. Why would you begrudge your SIL (and your nephew) an hour?

Tworingsandamicrowave · 11/08/2016 14:24

Your mum sounds lovely. You? Not so much.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 11/08/2016 14:24

Your SIL does you & your Mum - and your DD - a huge favour and now you're acting like a spoilt brat because your Mum had your nephew for ne hour, while your DD was sleeping?

Jesus wept you're going to have to get one large grip before you go back to work or you'll give yourself an ulcer.

Gazelda · 11/08/2016 14:24

But OP, your DM did have one-on-one time with your DD, except for that last hour.
Try not to let this grow into resentment. Try to see it as a family helping each other out including your SIL helping to settle her DNiece.
Try to be grateful for your both of their support.
And try to enjoy the remainder of your ML, don't get strung up on the childcare arrangements like I did.

LuchiMangsho · 11/08/2016 14:27

And your SIL was amazing, she came all the way with a child who had been ill, soothed YOUR child and asked for a short favour while your child was sleeping. And it is up to your Mum to decide if she wants to say yes or not. I think you are angry at your SIL (not your Mum who decided to say yes) because you feel somewhat jealous (i.e. the baby whisperer comment). You somehow think your SIL is conspiring to deprive your DD of precious time with her grandmother. I also think that sometimes daughters think that their children should be the principal grandchildren over that of their brothers. If any of this strikes a chord, you are being unreasonable, but as a new mum, you have time to deal with these feelings.

BaronessBomburst · 11/08/2016 14:30

Your DM has had the boys over a lot more because they are older than your DD. Now it's your DDs turn for one-on-one time with grandma, as she's going to have her two days a week.
They only 'shared' for one hour when DD was asleep anyway. Plus it meant your older DN could get out the house and have some time alone with his mum.
At this age your DD is not even going to care about spending time alone with granny anyway.

LuchiMangsho · 11/08/2016 14:32

You also say that your Mum has had the two boys before and 'never struggled with them.' Which suggests that your Mum can look after two children on her own. But it suggests that what is upsetting you is that your DD refuses to settle with your mother and between the fact that your SIL was able to settle her, and her own children were happy with your Mum, it is making you feel bad. But all of that is your emotion to deal with, not your SIL's.

Bambooshoots14 · 11/08/2016 14:34

MunchCrunch01 · 11/08/2016 14:35

unless you can afford a nanny, your DD isn't going to get much 1 on 1 time in a nursery or CM. And a nanny isn't going to care about your DD as family will...i know it doesn't feel good, your family being with your DD when you're not, but you have to get over these feelings in the interests of your child.

JudyCoolibar · 11/08/2016 14:40

why not pick a different day to do it?

Because she'd already taken the trouble to sort her own children out so she could go over there at short notice to help with your baby, and it made sense to take advantage of that rather than go home and come out again another day?

blueskyinmarch · 11/08/2016 14:41

Goodness me OP. Your SIL did your mum a massive favour and then she reciprocated by allowing her to take her son swimming without taking her recuperating child. I cannot see why you are unhappy about this. They are family and families help each other out. You are being very unreasonable in your attitude to this.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/08/2016 14:45

So, your SiL took a bit of time out of her day and caring for her son (who'd just had an op) to soothe your baby to sleep and you're resentful? Really?

Would you rather your mum hadn't called her and your baby had continued to fuss?

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 11/08/2016 14:47

Leaving your baby to go to work is such an anxious time.

I thnk you should look at alternate child care plans as it sounds like your DM is struggling to cope with your dd.

Don't focus on your nephew being there - your dd was asleep.

witchofzog · 11/08/2016 14:50

As someone else said earlier on the thread. You are bloody fortunate to have free childcare and have the nerve to complain about it. If you had no family to look after your dd then she would be with a cm or nursery with other children not of your choosing. There would be no one on one bonding as you put it at all.

Your sil sounds lovely and would have been well within her rights to say no considering her son has just had an op but she came over to soothe your dd.

If anything having her cousin there will probably make your dd more at ease as it's another child and your mum may be less anxious about your dd with another child to focus on. Your dd is probably picking up on this anxiety which in turn is making her worse.

You are not planning on saying anything are you?

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