DH, MIL and DD's hair

[BikerMouse]

I just need some perspective because this is driving me insane.

Dd's 2 and 4 have curly mixed race hair. Dd1's is slightly more manageable in that it's not so tightly coiled. I'm the only who brushes their hair. I've given clear instructions and shown them both how to deal with curly hair, neither of them seem to be able to. It needs brushing, plaiting or tying up before bed and in the morning or it becomes a tangled mess. Time and time again both Dd's come back from MIL with matted hair which takes ages brushing out, often with lots of tears.

I've tried everything. I've made it easier by putting their hair in plaits expecting her not to touch it. She takes the plaits out and we get matted, tangled hair anyway.

Do I need to unclench and let it go?

Pizzza - would that work if the hair is already matted though? I don't know, so asking in a genuine spirit of enquiry

Salem, I mean use a comb not a brush. A brush will more likely rip the hair more and hurt more.
So comb when wet only.

I don't own an Afro comb. I have never ever dry combed Dd's hair. She seems really sensitive to pain, I wouldn't even try! We brush in this house because that's what works for both Dd's fine hair, I'm not sure why it's so difficult to understand.

It's really irrelevant what the routine is. If hair isn't looked after for four days straight it's going to get matted. Add sand, sea water to that and the afore mentioned grass, leaves it makes for a pretty bad hair day!

I'll be taking them to get their hair braided if I can find someone to do it then having a last attempt at getting it through to MIL.

Your MIL sounds totally unreasonable on this issue. Why can't she listen to a simple instruction from someone who knows how to best manage their hair?

I don't think you should have to do anything different to their hair just because she's got some kind of issue with it.

Agree with Twatbadging - do their hair in front of her. No need to get angry at her, but just calmly say - "i'm going to show you what happens when we get home"

Good luck, OP. Take a tablet loaded with episodes of the really annoying shite you don't usually let them watch

Depending on where you are you might be able to find someone to come to you and do it in your living room. DH's aunt does this for a living.

And you know your DD's hair. Brushing has its place. I just think people assume a dry, brittle, tangly mess when they hear the word 'brush'. I'd be lost without DD's hairbrushes and her hair is frick'n fabulous.

Where are you based (if you don't mind sharing!) OP? Someone might be able to recommend a good Afro-hairdresser to do the braiding.

Thumb - yes it works with matted hair. I have had many years experience with mixed curls now - I have brushed, straightened added oil/Afro products / frizz ease and never managed frizz free curls until now.

My dds have quite different hair, but I can assure you I can manage it by finger combing each day and using silicone free conditioner which adds moisture to curls - it must be the right kind of conditioner for curls, to work though. I will loosely plait youngest dds hair at night and let the curls out fresh in the morning. We also use a silk cap to help keep the curls frizz free.

Anyway, if you're interested, look up curly girl method or join the Facebook group curl girls!(conditioner-washing group) - it gave me so much help!

With regards to mil - I would French plait your dds hair and expect her to leave the plaits in. If she doesn't, I probably wouldn't let them go more than one overnight again!

OP, your MIL sounds completely unreasonable - I suspect she loves the look of the hair untamed (as I do) but doesn't really believe the consequences are as severe as you tell her they are.

Thumbwitches said exactly what I was thinking which is that if she does unplait the hair you should untangle it in front of her. Not let her do it at all, I can totally see how that would cause dreadful extra pain and stress for the girls, but you do it in front of her eyes so she can see and realise what she puts your poor daughters through by her actions.

If, after seeing the pain she causes, she still persists, I might consider a break from the visits because she must obviously be putting her perception of how she prefers them to look over their wellbeing which is wrong in so many ways.

Could you brush it out in front of MIL before taking them home maybe? Surely if she sees how difficult it is she will think twice before in plaiting again as she won't want to upset and hurt the girls?

Sorry, should have realised others would already have suggested that!

We use the curly girl method. I second showing your MIL how much effort is involved with dealing with 'the hair'.

I've used quotes as 'the hair' really deserves its own grand title. Good luck getting the message across Until you have to deal with 'the hair' you have no idea. I do love their beautiful curls though, and dry, matted broken hair just isn't easy to correct. I've spent an hour this morning working 'the hair'.

I wish mine were still babies, babies rock hats big time and they hid a multitude of my early parental hair failures

OP I feel you pain (slightly).
I think a frank talk is the only way to go now, sit down with MIL and explain they need to keep their plaits in to avoid their hair getting matted and causing terrible pain, explain it to your dd's, DH and MIL and repeat the process until someone listens.

Dd2 has fine curly hair which matts in what seams like seconds! The only way to deal with it is wet brushing and keeping it up, unfortunately she's 2.5 so takes her own hair out In the night and wakes up like a matted monster, cue lots of tears and stress trying to tame it again.

Op you're getting a hard time on here and loads of advice on how to care for your girls hair which you clearly don't need!

You need MIL advice ,, could you say Dear MIL I don't understand why you're taking dds plaits out when I've asked you not to

Or to your dh 'why is your mother taking dds plaits out when I've asked her not to '

You understand your children's hair and for some reason mil isn't listening to you

Your MIL is very unreasonable.
And not respecting your wishes.
Have you said to her 'why is it that you in plait their hair?' and found out the reason?

I would learn to corn row, it will be useful as they grow, and MIL may less inclined to meddle with something that looks more complicated.

But you shouldn't have to take evasive action, she should listen to why you do what you do, pay attention and take you seriously.

Ask her why she does it, up the assertiveness with which you tell her, and put a rocket up your DH's arse to support you!

Op please keep us updated as to what happens with MIL. I agree with the posters who have said take your products with you ans have 1 child each with your MIL to show her how hard it is when not looked after. Good luck!!!

biker if you don't mind me asking where abouts do you live? And do your dds have any black/mixed family who can cainrow their hair, because believe me it will save you and your dds a lot of pain and hassle, also do try and learn how to cainrow their hair I have a friend with 3 mixed race dds and she cannot cope with their hair and constantly pulls it back which has lead to the front being very patchy, lank and thin
I have now taken over the care of their hair and it is growing and is in excellent condition.

oh...what about letting it get in that state before their next MIL visit? Then MIL will either be all 'what the hell happened to their hair' at which point you can explain this is what she has been sending them away with, or she will try and fix it which will give her the required insight on the problem...or she will totally ignore it, in which case you aren't worse off than before.

The thing is, I've done their hair in front of her many times as we've holidayed together. She's seen the angst it causes. It's not like she's completely clueless. I just don't get why she can't follow simple instructions.

I don't know any mobile Afro hairdressers locally, I live in Essex a black spot it seems. Sod carting them into town to get it done! No local family I don't know any black people apart from my family and my bros would be useless at hair. Looks like I need to learn pronto!

Letting it get into a state before they go would be shooting myself in the foot surely?! I'm not willing to put them through that just to prove a point. Had a long chat with H about it this afternoon and made it 100% clear. If they come back with matted hair, he's dealing with it.

Thanks for all the tips, I'll update after the weekend.

probably not been suggested but could you teach yourself OP with the help of youtube videos etc?

There are ace resources online for all kinds of skills. Maybe you could find a few videos and teach yourself. Would solve your long term issues.

Has she seen you do it under normal circumstances or after she's let it get fucked up? If the latter, if she knows that her actions will cause pain for the children but still does it anyway, tbh that would concern me.

'RiverTam: I take it they inherit their curly hair from you? Is this part of a wider issue regarding your ethnicity, do you think?'
I don't understand this comment, is trying to stop your child feeling pain while trying to unknot her hair related to ethnicity? I think it's to do with human nature surely......however if you know of an 'ethnicity' with no emotion, do tell.

Please explain and if possible, show the process to MIL, calmly. So no YANBU, however explaining to her eliminates assumptions on both sides and keeps the peace.

Biker, when you say to your MIL "Why have you let their hair get like this?" what does she actually say? There is no excuse at all for what she is doing.