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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH, MIL and DD's hair

133 replies

BikerMouse · 10/08/2016 12:51

I just need some perspective because this is driving me insane.

Dd's 2 and 4 have curly mixed race hair. Dd1's is slightly more manageable in that it's not so tightly coiled. I'm the only who brushes their hair. I've given clear instructions and shown them both how to deal with curly hair, neither of them seem to be able to. It needs brushing, plaiting or tying up before bed and in the morning or it becomes a tangled mess. Time and time again both Dd's come back from MIL with matted hair which takes ages brushing out, often with lots of tears.

I've tried everything. I've made it easier by putting their hair in plaits expecting her not to touch it. She takes the plaits out and we get matted, tangled hair anyway.

Do I need to unclench and let it go?

OP posts:
Original poster
BikerMouse · 10/08/2016 14:02

pottering that's 40 minutes brushing dd1's hair whilst she's crying and screaming.

Tbh I'd rather avoid it at all costs. It might sound over the top but it really affects our relationship. I'm the only person who does her hair. And every time I do it it hurts her. Sad

OP posts:
issynoho · 10/08/2016 14:09

I 100% sympathise with you OP. I have had very recent similar issues with close family members not brushing or reminding DD to brush hair and then had close-to-traumatic hair brushing battle, screaming, crying, sensitive DD - awful for both of us and so bloody avoidable! 5 mins daily brushing vs long, upsetting session for me and DD.

People (adults) who avoid responsibility will be first against the wall in my revolution.

DinosaursRoar · 10/08/2016 14:12

OK - time try again tackling again with MIL - call her today - say you are worried about this weekend, that DD1 has really been struggling with how much pain she's in when you have to get tangles out of her hair, that it's taking the best part of an hour to detangle and you really need MIL to help you this weekend. Say you will send the girls with their hair plaited and can she make sure she doesn't undo the plaits. Repeat several times, the girls have been explained to this is the only way to avoid the painful brushing (say 'pain' 'painful' 'hurt' several times to reinforce the message). Ask her if she can make sure she doesn't take the plaits out, that's all you need her to do.

Tell DD1 that she must not take her plaits out and that you've told Granny not to take her plaits out, but if she forgets, DD1 is allowed to remind her not to take the plaits out to stop it hurting.

When MIL picks them up, in front of DDs, say "And Granny, they both know not to take their plaits out to avoid it being tangled and hurting when it's brushed out, so girls, what must you do?" (not take our plaits out). Big smiles to MIL and "hopefully they'll be good for you, if they do take them out can you replait to avoid it being painfully matted?"

Repeat, repeat, repeat. Hopefully the nagging approach will work.

If it doesn't work, when your DDs arrive back, ask "what happened to their hair?" If your MIL genuinely doesn't care that her behaviour causes her DGDs pain, then she doesn't get unsupervised access until the girls are old enough to look after their own hair.

If your DH is going ot be there too, you have a different issue - I would make him do the de-tangling or at least sit with you while it happens and watch his DD cry in pain due to something he's caused. Don't sugar coat it "why aren't you doing something to stop your daughter being in pain? Don't you care that you are hurting your daughter?" This is horrible of him to allow his child to get hurt.

bluebeck · 10/08/2016 14:13

Yes you are going to have to go for the nuclear option here OP, sorry.

Or tell MIL/DH that as they repeatedly fail to look after DD properly, you are going to have to give her a Very Short Haircut (not where DD can hear you) Maybe that will shock them into action? Or if the plaits are out can you make sure you have arrived equipped with spray and hand it to MIL saying can she brush her hair out as she hasn't done as you asked. again.

If all else fails you are going to have to tell MIL overnights are no longer an option. And as for DH............................Angry

lasttimeround · 10/08/2016 14:16

Need to stop all that brushing. Comb through 1 a week with plenty of conditioner. But yes to sleeping in plaits. If can't plait hair ask them to put it in coiled bunches.

SpookyRachel · 10/08/2016 14:16

pottering, do you have a mixed race child?! Matted hair is an absolute trauma in our house, and I get the absolute rage when others carelessly cause it (dp rather fond of taking dd swimming with her hair loose, then letting it dry without conditioning or detangling). Biker, I'm completely with you (and I too have dreamed of a buzz cut - threatened it on occasion).

DinosaursRoar · 10/08/2016 14:20

BTW - not mixed race, but have naturally very curly hair, so many childhood memories of the pain of having my hair brushed. Wish someone explained the idea of plaiting it to my mum. It's horrible, and even more so that they leave it to you.

If someone was doing something else that caused your DC pain because it was the easiest option, you wouldn't trust them to have your DC alone. Being a granny doesn't make it ok to cause your DGC pain.

PotteringAlong · 10/08/2016 14:21

I don't, but nor do I have someone willing to look after my children for 3 days to give me a total break either.

If it's that traumatic then don't send them.

blankmind · 10/08/2016 14:21

I'm guessing MIL just thinks the girls' hair treatment is a choice, not a necessity, can you find a really good explanation online and print it off for her, make your DH read it first Smile and threaten him explain to him until he fully understands and can back you up.

As the parent of someone with ordinary curly hair who has sensory defensive issues, I can sympathise about how it feels for you to be the one causing pain by having to keep brushing unnecessarily. After daily tears for 19 years, a tangle teezer stopped 90% of the tears for my dd, Frizz Ease serum www.boots.com/en/John-Frieda-Frizz-Ease-Extra-Strength-6-Effects-Serum-50ml_1471817/ is great for us, helps the tangle teezer glide through. Could it help your daughters? I realise it's different hair texture, so please ignore if it's not appropriate.

IceBeing · 10/08/2016 14:21

why not actually cut their hair short? It seems this would solve all the problems?

isn't it amazing the way boys don't have to put up with this shit.

DinosaursRoar · 10/08/2016 14:25

IceBeing - because if it's looked after, there's no reason not to have long hair, and the length often means it's easier to keep neat (unless you are suggesting very close cut/shaved off), being long enough to tie back/plait is often better than say, a bob that turns into a bunch of knots.

Original poster
BikerMouse · 10/08/2016 14:26

Pottering there's always one Hmm

OP posts:
IceBeing · 10/08/2016 14:29

dino the OP said it causes tears when done by her too. Not just when matted? Or maybe I misunderstood.

Either way, I would avoid pain and misery by giving them a short hair cut. It isn't like the gender stereotyping police will be round to tell you girls can't have short hair....

Original poster
BikerMouse · 10/08/2016 14:33

Thanks for the tip blankmind I've avoided most of the John Frieda products as I prefer to use praben, sls free products. Especially as I use it on my 2 year old too.

Christ...She'd never let me cut it.

Gah! Swimming hair. That's another.

OP posts:
SideOfFoot · 10/08/2016 14:35

I wouldn't tell mil as such , I'd present it in a different way, something like "mil, we are struggling with dd's hair, so I've plaited it. Don't do anything to it the whole weekend and it will save you a whole lot of time and effort and will be a breeze to brush out after the weekend.

Original poster
BikerMouse · 10/08/2016 14:36

Ice we do get tears when I do it. But less so because I've done the routine Iykwim. Where as when it hasn't been done, it's just not much fun. I hate doing it but what else can I do?!

OP posts:
elfycat · 10/08/2016 14:36

DD2 has my fine straight hair, and it's long. She wakes up some mornings with a matted lump. It's usually OK with a lot of conditioner and a tangle teaser, starting at the ends and pulling any knotty bits apart by hand. She seems to take her plait out in her sleep.

Imagine my joy when a couple of days after a soft-play date with a load of friends from school I peered into her hair and plucked out a head louse.

So annoyed. I chemically burned the fuckers treated her on the first day of the holidays and had her completely clear (she or her sister get them every single half term, without fail). So here I am at the condition and nitty gritty phase again (will probably napalm her again after the weekend, when the eggs will all have hatched).

She is the wiggliest year old I know. So condition, tangle teaser, condition, nitty gritty while trying to get her to sit still for one minute.

YANBU

Dragonglass · 10/08/2016 14:43

Op look into the curly girl method.

No shampoo, no brushing, just silicone free conditioner. It really does make a massive difference. I have no experience with mixed race hair but many others in the Facebook group I am in have found huge improvements in theirs or their children's mixed race hair.

candykane25 · 10/08/2016 14:45

Try giving mil and DH a fact sheet about the hair.
Perhaps film the hair being sorted out by you.
YouTube clips in before and after?
Can your 5yo request grandma put her hair in plaits at bedtime or say no to the plaits coming out?

It does sound like they are not listening to you and doing their own thing instead. Very frustrating when it has a direct impact on you and your DDs.

If after all that, maybe just say if they can't do this, they are not staying over.

SandunesAndRainclouds · 10/08/2016 14:53

Body shop do a lovely oil - Rainforest coconut I think it is. It has turned my DD's mane of unmanageable matted frizz into soft, flowy curls.

I'm with you on the hair brushing. I think you have to be more direct with MIL - tell her it is plaited, it will stay like that and you do not expect anyone to take it out. If they do then they can spend an hour untangling it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2016 14:54

Here's an idea for you - take the hair stuff with you, go over to MIL's to pick the girls up and do their hair while they're there. THEN MIL can see the problems you have to deal with, and hear the crying and screaming, and THEN, just maybe, the stupid cow will get the idea that you DON'T allow their hair to get into that state for a reason!!

I have curly hair. I have to comb it while washing it or it tangles into a hideous knot (very fine as well). My mother didn't use conditioner on my hair as a child (I discovered it aged 12 and it changed my life!) and after every fucking hair wash she used to sit there with a normal comb (not a wide tooth one) and take 20-30 minutes combing the knots out. I feel for your DDs, I really do :(

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 10/08/2016 14:56

My heart goes out to dd, I've been that four year old trying to explain to 'I know Best' grandma not to do something mum had said I wasn't to let her do, being not listened to while grandma did her thing anyway while I had all the anxiety of knowing what was coming, and then having to deal with furious dm demanding why I'd let her....

Argh.

I'm afraid I agree it's lay it on the line time or stop overnights, it's not fair to ask children to stand up to a happily stuck in their way and knows-best adult. Or to let MiL happily set them up for such a distressing aftermath.

PetrovaFossil1 · 10/08/2016 14:57

Can you make DH/MIL do the hair the next day instead of you? So they feel the consequences?

gingerbreadmanm · 10/08/2016 15:00

do you think she just likes showing their hair off?

my dn has beautiful curly hair and it is always scraped in a high ponytail. she is only little and i think it would be beautiful down or in different styles but even i know its not worth the fight with the hairbrush

just a thought. she clearly takes no notice of how hard it is to deal with afterwards though. maybe get her to help with the hair qhen she's back and see first hand.

SapphireStrange · 10/08/2016 15:02

'MIL', the girls love coming to you overnight but their hair is a nightmare afterwards if you take it out of its plaits. Please leave it as it is when they arrive, otherwise they won't be able to stay overnight again.'

And then follow through on it if she ignores you.

You've given instructions and explanations; I assume she's an intelligent individual –she has no excuse.