Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

DH, MIL and DD's hair

133 replies

BikerMouse · 10/08/2016 12:51

I just need some perspective because this is driving me insane.

Dd's 2 and 4 have curly mixed race hair. Dd1's is slightly more manageable in that it's not so tightly coiled. I'm the only who brushes their hair. I've given clear instructions and shown them both how to deal with curly hair, neither of them seem to be able to. It needs brushing, plaiting or tying up before bed and in the morning or it becomes a tangled mess. Time and time again both Dd's come back from MIL with matted hair which takes ages brushing out, often with lots of tears.

I've tried everything. I've made it easier by putting their hair in plaits expecting her not to touch it. She takes the plaits out and we get matted, tangled hair anyway.

Do I need to unclench and let it go?

OP posts:

diddl · 10/08/2016 15:13

Who usually takes them to Mil?

Just thinking that if their own father cba, has he passed that on to his mum?

But yes, I agree that she needs to see the consequences so that she understands the importance of keeping/putting plaits in.

Original poster

BikerMouse · 10/08/2016 15:19

Getting DH/Mil to do the hair the following day doesn't solve the problem. I'm not going to stand there watching Dd1 upset whilst someone else takes their time doing her hair. I want it over and done with quickly as it's hurting her.

Yes perhaps she prefers it down they have gorgeous hair. They both were their hair up all the time to a) to avoid nits and b) to avoid the tangles.

I think I'll give MIL one last talking to explaining the consequences of not following their hair routine. That it's causing them discomfort when I have to deal with the aftermath. Like I said they adore their grandparents and generally whatever happens at grandmas stays at grandmas even tho I disapprove of the ridiculous amounts of ice cream they get given

We use the rainforest range already. The brazil nut anti frizz, curl defining cream is amazing. It's done wonders for for their hair.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2016 15:24

No no, don't let your DH/MIL do their hair - YOU do it while they watch. Let them SEE the consequences that YOU have to deal with.

Lorelei76 · 10/08/2016 15:24

OP, what do your MIL and DH actually say about this when you explain the problem? Also, have they watched you sorting out the hair and seen for themselves what you and your DC have to deal with/go through?

It seems extraordinary to me that they are taking this attitude and that you haven't yelled your head off at them. My sister has this hair and I know what it's like.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2016 15:30

Also, I don't know if this will help, but it's what I use for my hair and it's brilliant for getting the curl knots out wide tooth comb. Unlike the afro comb, it doesn't kill your ears if you accidentally catch them - it's a softer plastic and less pointy.

SpookyRachel · 10/08/2016 15:38

IceBeing, I have many times tried to coax dd into short hair. She adamantly refuses. I'm not going to push it because she is already the odd one out in many ways at school - adopted, mixed race, same sex parents - and there are no girls at her school with short hair.

Can't wait for that fashion to change. Bring back the bowl cut!

JudyCoolibar · 10/08/2016 15:39

Are you going to say to her that if she can't do what you ask you are going to have to stop the girls going to her overnight?

SavoyCabbage · 10/08/2016 15:43

I've got two mixed race dds and they both have hair that looks similar but behaves completely different. It's taken us years to work out what is best for their hair but both of them need to brush it.

HyacinthFuckit · 10/08/2016 15:51

Yy to feeling the consequences. Not having to do the hair themselves, that's just going to make the girls suffer, but let MIL have full understanding of problems her actions have caused. I've started doing this for when babysitting GPs allow long naps far too late in the day and/or loads of sugar in the evening, in both cases resulting in kids who wont go to bed until midnight and still get up at the same time the next day. Ensuring they observe the resulting behaviour, or texting them full details when this isn't possible, has done wonders for their understanding of why certain actions when caring for a child will lead the child to suffer.

babajuice · 10/08/2016 15:53

I don't know that this is definitely the reason, but my DD is mixed and has very thick, course hair.
My MIL has commented on the plaits, asking why we don't just leave it down.
I think some people prefer how mixed/afro hair looks when it's not plaited. In particular if by plaited we're talking cornrows or small individual plaits, as opposed to one or two big plaits. My MIL has not outwardly said that, but that's the impression I get, that she prefers the big curly look to the plaited look.

babajuice · 10/08/2016 15:56

Sorry - forgot to actually answer. YANBU and I would try once more to explain, and perhaps even do their hair in front of her afterwards, like a PP suggested. It would be a shame for them to not be able to stay over.

PotteringAlong · 10/08/2016 16:08

Why is there always one? You seem really unhappy about this but not unhappy enough to stop them going overnight. So it's either a big issue, in which case she can see them in the day but you say no to overnight, or you let them go overnight as you are doing and get on with it.

Ask your daughter - your hair is always painful to sort out after grandmas. Would you prefer not to go or to have me have to sort your hair out?

Lorelei76 · 10/08/2016 16:14

Pottering - "Ask your daughter - your hair is always painful to sort out after grandmas. Would you prefer not to go or to have me have to sort your hair out?"

maybe it's just me but I think that question puts a 4 year old in a very tough spot. and I bet she will be confused why that is a choice and why the adults can't just sort it out.

OohMavis · 10/08/2016 16:17

Mixed race children here too, not understanding the angst around brushing. A good quality bristle brush is an essential piece of the tool kit when looking after MR hair. It encourages the oils from the scalp down the hair shaft, protecting it naturally from dryness, as well as distributing product.

Anyway. What they're doing, I would go as far to say, is disrespectful. Of you and their heritage. Their hair is and will be a huge part of their identity. They're neglecting it in favour of it looking pretty for a few days... Have you told them that allowing them to sleep with their hair out for extended periods is actually damaging it? It's not just a case of 'ooh it's a hassle to get it unmatted' but it will start to break off, and then what? No more pretty hair to show off when you've had to chop it a few inches!

Can you cornrow? I would be tempted to send them in a pretty cornrowed up-do. It will not be worth their time to unpick it all and their hair will stay protected.

VenusRising · 10/08/2016 16:19

Op why don't you ask your MIL to brush and plait their hair before they come home to you. Give her coconut oil in a tub.

That way she'll see for herself how fucking awful it is to sort the mess she makes?

Also, it means you're not the bad guy all the time.

I bet your mil will never touch their hair again!!

Original poster

BikerMouse · 10/08/2016 16:28

pottering you seem to have taken issue with my children spending time with their grandparents. How dare I have some child free time. How completely selfish of me. Given that I have zero support day to day, if MIL wants to have them for a few days and the upshot is i get a chance to tidy the house sans kids who are you to judge me. Really? If I asked Dd's if they'd like to go to grandma's, of course they'd want to go, irrespective of tangly hair.

Refusing to let MIL have the girls overnight would be the absolute last resort. I don't want to fall out with her, I respect her. She's done a lot for me over the years, by and large this is the only thing re the girls that pisses me off. I just needed to hear that it's a reasonable request that she either leaves their hair well alone or learns how to bloody manage it.

YY baba, it may be that they look far more African with plaited hair iykwim. I never do cornrows I don't know how to but I do do two big braids.

Anyway, I appreciate all your perspectives. And I'll update next week.

OP posts:

OhThatThingAgain · 10/08/2016 16:31

Can you use their sleepovers as conditioning nights. I get mine to have a special pamper session which involves about a kilo of coconut butter (and a lovely bath and nails done too) before bed and they have special silk pillowcases. I had to decide to just let the hair roam free on those nights, while asking for it to be oiled into oblivion.

They come home messy but at least then I can just rinse, condition and plait again. I can redo without tears and dry breaking hair. I'm using a 'no poo' method. Otherwise they'd be bald bless them.

YANBU, explain and explain again if you have too. Maybe you can use a pamper session as a compromise? Mine don't even have Afro hair, just a double dose of white/Asian curly locks and it's hard work trying to get people to understand that they need oiling and plaiting to keep the length.

PotteringAlong · 10/08/2016 16:35

So again, if it's the only thing that pisses you off, let it go. I don't care that your children spend time with your grandparents, of course I don't, but you either escalate it into a massive deal with fact sheets and demonstrations and threats or you don't. I'm suggesting that you don't and you let it go. That's all.

SpookyRachel · 10/08/2016 16:40

Pottering, it's a bit strange to suggest that OP should either put up and shut up or go the full nuclear option of refusing to let her kids stay with their gran. There surely is a middle way.

Original poster

BikerMouse · 10/08/2016 16:44

pottering Thanks

OP posts:

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 10/08/2016 16:49

What does your DH say when you talk to him about this? It sounds like you don't need him to do anything complex, you just want him to make their hair presentable. He has no real excuse.

HyacinthFuckit · 10/08/2016 16:53

There is always one pottering, yes. And on this thread, it's you.

Interestingfactsabouttoes · 10/08/2016 16:53

I'm mixed race and have many memories staying over my white nans house and coming back with matted hair, to then get sent to my black nans to have it sorted out .

My advice is if you can get them both to a hairdresser/friend who can cainrow or section it off and put it in small plaits or twists, if it gets messy while at mil she will only have to spritz with some leave in conditioner (right on curl activator) is the best in my opinion 'I use that on my hair' then comb through and twist again.

OohMavis · 10/08/2016 16:54

Yes, but it's a massive deal to the OP. And a big deal to her daughters who have to sit through 40 minutes of uncomfortable detangling every time.

There has to be a way of resolving this without causing a world war. I'd start with your DH tbh, he should know how important it is to you/your daughters, he should be having a word with his mum.

Dandelion6565 · 10/08/2016 16:56

My dd is similar. Olive oil works for us, once a week we coat the hair she sleeps with it then we wash it in the morning. It's much better.

And yes to screaming leave the fucking plaits in!!!!

We have a slightly different problem that mil attempts to brush Dd hair. ( which goes crazy 15 mins after brushing)

It really irritates DD, She now has the response " it's rude to comment on someone's appearance. Why don't you Brush your own hair."

Blunt but true.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread