DH, MIL and DD's hair

[BikerMouse]

I just need some perspective because this is driving me insane.

Dd's 2 and 4 have curly mixed race hair. Dd1's is slightly more manageable in that it's not so tightly coiled. I'm the only who brushes their hair. I've given clear instructions and shown them both how to deal with curly hair, neither of them seem to be able to. It needs brushing, plaiting or tying up before bed and in the morning or it becomes a tangled mess. Time and time again both Dd's come back from MIL with matted hair which takes ages brushing out, often with lots of tears.

I've tried everything. I've made it easier by putting their hair in plaits expecting her not to touch it. She takes the plaits out and we get matted, tangled hair anyway.

Do I need to unclench and let it go?

And OP I learned to cornrow DD's hair by watching Youtube tutorials til I cracked it, I was so proud. The ones with a first-person perspective helped the most.

And I can barely do a ponytail in my own hair, but still...

I'm not mixed race but I have really really curly hair, and brushing it used to turn into a battle of wills, tears and screaming.

If I were you, I would say something along the lines of "I've asked you to in the past, but there seems to be an issue with leaving the girls hair in plaits. Now I'm going to have to say that unless you do as asked, I am going to have to stop overnight visits as having to spend hours untangling their matted hair when they get back (and the understanding resultant tears) is not fair on my poor children.

What's your dh doing about this?

I know I have a DH problem. He's doing bugger all because let's face it he's not the one dealing with their hair. He has always shirked his responsibilities when it came to the girls hair, nail cutting, medicine administering, verruca removal, you get the picture. Basically, anything that's a little bit unpleasant but for their own good falls to me.

Mavis I will check some out. Now I just need to find a compliant child, who will sit still for long enough.

Here's an idea get it done in corn rows I very much doubt your mil will undo them. My dd had them in once and they are a pain to take out. Now she has her hair out and everyone comments on how lovely her hair looks and it's an affro. She hates tying her hair back.

You can buy a tangle teaser for your daughters hair from boots and your mil might find it easier to brush her hair. She may be screaming telling her no more.

I really do think if it comes back matted despite you telling your DH and MIL in front of the DDs "Do no take the plaits out otherwise she will be hurt and in pain (not discomfort) when it gets matted" you force your DH to watch, not TV on no distraction with you telling him with every tear "DH this is your fault, the consequence of you ignoring dealing with DDs hair how I told you"

Horrible to have to do this but I think it's the only way he'll will step up tbh

Yeah, agree with PP who say to do it in front of her. I have waist length curly red hair, and I think my personal record was 3 hours brushing after a prolonged teenage make-out session on the bed.

Poor DDs.
It's a shame that your amazing MIL just doesn't "get" how to look after your DD's hair. I absolutely agree with pp's who suggested that you take the brush and products to her house and if she's taken their plats out then to sort their hair in front of her. Seeing is believing.

My DCs are mixed race and I have 13 years of learning to work with the curls.

I would seriously suggest you look at the 'curly girl method' - it changed my life!

I would only brush curly hair when it is wet and full of silicone free (curly girl approved) conditioner or else you will end up with frizz!

If mil can't do the hair, I would French plait you dds' hair and ask her to leave the plaits in until their return. That's what I do with my dds if they can't manage it by themselves.

There is a Facebook group called 'Curly Girls (conditioner washing group)' which has been excellent for helping me to make the most out of my dds' curls.

Do not use a tangle teaser or any brush on their hair!

I speak as someone who is mixed race. My dd has very curly hair and no way is a brush going near it. I only comb it when it is wet - so basically whenever I wash it. I use my fingers to gently get the worst of the knots out then seperate into small sections and comb from the ends up. Takes about 20 mins but works.

I would have serious words with your MIL in no uncertain terms. I suspect she doesn't quite believe how much more care mixed race hair requires compares to European.

Do be careful though how you discuss this in front of your dds. My mum basically gave up on my hair. As a result I genuinely hate my hair. Someone told me it was nice the other day and I didn't believe them.

I do the same as believe and only finger comb my dds' hair (until it is soaking wet in the bath/shower). It works wonders at creating beautiful curls and above all reducing frizz!

Do your girls put up a fight and your oh and mil dont want to be the 'baddies' ?

Believe the thing is, mixed race hair is so different person to person that I don't think you can say a blanket statement like don't brush it.

My almost 2yo DD is mixed and her hair is a mass of curls, but is more European in texture. If I didn't brush it (using a tangle teezer and lots and lots of detangling spray/olive oil cream) it would be a brittle, matted nest on her head. I know, I've tried it.

(Her hair is also only growing long on the top of her head, and it grows up. The back and sides are just a shorter uniform length, and tremendously curly. It's a nightmare!)

Salem - dd2 has a mass of more European curls. I don't brush her hair! I add loads of conditioner (it adds moisture to curls) each morning and finger-comb it through. She had no frizz and a head of lovely curls.
Dd1 has more Afro curls which I also don't brush. With both, I work in sections, adding conditioner and finger climbing it through.
It has been an absolute revelation!

you know what I would do? I would go pick them up from MILs and sit there combing out their hair so she can see and hear them cry and scream before you leave.

If MIL says anything you can tell her what works and the rules to follow.. again.

That's nice twat! Combing curly hair shouldn't be painful - it really shouldn't be combed, except when wet and covered in conditioner.

Pizzza - the OP has already said it IS painful when she has to sort the matted mess out that the MIL's interference causes!

Definitely agree with PPs about cainrowing it or getting someone else to. It saves you doing it every morning and evening too! If MIL took each and every one of those out then you'd know she has some sort of obsession with playing with their hair

I still don't understand why people are putting their female children through all this when they don't do it to male children. I don't believe that women should have to suffer just for the sake of appearing more feminine - let alone that a 2yo child should.

boys get cropped hair from before the time they are old enough to express an opinion - why can't we afford the same freedom from painful hair to girls?

I know thumb - I think she's dry combing their hair, which would be painful! I have advised she only does this when wet as this will prevent pain and tears!

Actually Ice I'm the opposite! My son will be having his hair cainrowed and just like his sister until he's old enough to decide whether he wants it off or not! (When he's actually born, that is...)

The OP would have to do it anyway. She knows what's right for her DDs hair because she cares for them. If hers needs brushing then who are we to say otherwise? She has a system at home that works. I am assuming the OP brushes their hair. Braids/styles it then takes out the hair and brushes immediately so it isn't painful and re braids it but when DDs are at MILs. MIL isn't following the same care routine hence the knots and matted hair and OP needed to brush it out again.

Clearly the MIL needs to see what happens to a child's hair when it gets into that state because she chooses not to follow the OPs instructions. I know when curly hair is matted even wet brushing it is painful. I have Thick curly hair myself and have to braid it every night before sleep or the bit at the back of my head turns in felt basically. For me, I don't use any hair conditioner. It weighs down my curls, makes my hair look greasy and it makes my psoriasis worse (I have it on my scalp) . I've tried loads. I just use an SLS free shampoo. I have to brush it everyday because my hair falls out so much. That's my care routine and it works for me.

Everyone is different. What works for some wont work for others.

Biker I could have written most of your post! I bribed dd1 with access to an iPad once she could detangle her own hair . It worked - she could do it from age 6.

I also have to brush through the dds mixed curly hair. Unless you want dreadlocks this has to be done.