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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be asked to bring my son along

121 replies

dranaksjd · 09/08/2016 08:26

I am a Single Mum of twin boys Aged 2 and a half. I am 27. They're lovely boys and very well behaved but they're boisterous and love the park/bike riding/soft play. They would never be the type to enjoy sitting in a pram while I go shopping or sitting in a restaurant. On the occasions where I need to they will do those things and be good but I'm always conscious they aren't enjoying it so rush past.

I have a single Mum friend who has a three year old daughter who she takes everywhere with her as she had no one to have her. Her ex has asked to see their daughter but she has refused and admitted its because she wants a clean break!!

When we arrange to meet up its to the park or soft play and I take my twins along. However, if it's to a restaurant or shopping I leave them with their Nana as they would be much happier doing that then walking through shops or sitting still in a Restaurant. I wouldn't even enjoy it with them there as its not something they would enjoy.

Problem is, my friend always asks me to bring them. And says stuff like ' aww my daughter is really looking forward to seeing them' or something alone those lines.

Aibu to find that really annoying? I would never ask her to bring her daughter, it's nothing to do with me if she does. And I certainly wouldn't guilt trip anyone into bringing them.

She would love to have a day without her daughter. But it's not my fault she has no one to have her and I don't see why I should have to bring my twins along just to entertain her daughter.

OP posts:

gemma19846 · 10/08/2016 21:16

Get a grip ANGEL i didnt say ALL i said ALOT! I have a boy and a girl and also see a school full, playcentres full etc of both sexes and ALOT of the time the boys are running round playing ninjas or superheros and girls are abit more relaxed. Obviously it isnt always the case but YES alot of the time it is

gemma19846 · 10/08/2016 21:19

Also i think you proved my point by saying you could take 4 out of 5 daughters ANYWHERE and theyd sit still etc not sure how many mums of 5 boys would be able to take 4 of them to a restaurant to sit quietly and colour!

mathanxiety · 10/08/2016 21:27

That's such a cop out, Gemma.

I know plenty of well behaved small boys. They go to restaurants and libraries and churches and shops and they behave themselves because their parents don't roll their eyes and say 'boys huh?' when they misbehave.

I had no alternative childcare so my five DCs, all young, energetic, and easily bored, went with me everywhere. It was a case of make them behave or never go out anywhere.

MarshHarriet · 10/08/2016 21:32

Angel: who says girls sit still and 'look pretty'? Statistically (within which OF COURSE each child is an individual and personalities can be wildly varied) girls learn to use language sooner, develop fine motor skills sooner and also social skills. So it is possible that their more advanced development in these areas for many but not all girls will mean that they are more engageable with all that 'look at that waiter' talk that a PP seems to think is beyond the parenting skills of some of us.

I was 'talk to your child' central, but had chair-refuseniks at 2, and personally I see no moral superiority in forcing or cajoling little 2 year old children of any sex to sit still and be quiet during long meals.

gemma19846 · 10/08/2016 22:20

I think youre getting confused with behaving and being easily bored. My son is very bright (just got the highest sat scores possible) and very well behaved, never have any problems with behaviour at school. Could he sit in a restaurant and do nothing while i sat and chatted with my friends? No he would be bored! Would he sit for an hour and colour? Erm no and i wouldnt expect him to tbh

gemma19846 · 10/08/2016 22:23

Maybe they lack stimulation being forced to sit through church services at 2 years old! Sometimes people think kids are 'well behaved' and theyre actually a little delayed because their parents drag them around to boring restaurants and churches instead of doing things 2 YEAR OLDS should be doing like toddler groups and having FUN

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 10/08/2016 22:36

Sometimes people think kids are 'well behaved' and theyre actually a little delayed because their parents drag them around to boring restaurants and churches instead of doing things 2 YEAR OLDS should be doing like toddler groups and having FUN

SlinkyB · 10/08/2016 22:57

I hear ya OP. My sister does this a lot. I have two boys aged 5 and 2. If we meet somewhere or do something that is child friendly I will of course bring them. She has one 9yo boy, no grandparents nearby to help out, and has always preferred to bring him everywhere (has never left him over night).

I have hands-on inlaws round the corner, and prefer to leave them there (where they'll be taken to the park, or spend quality time with their grandparents) when something more "adult" crops up.

She comments every. Single. Time. Family party which starts at 8pm? "Where are the boys?" Boozy get together in spit and sawdust pub "where are the boys?!" Recently it was a funeral of an aged distant relative, and of course she still asked!! I feel like I always have to justify myself, and repeat "oh, they're having a much better time, and it's nice for me to have a little break" (I'm a SAHM).

I'm afraid I don't have any advice, I just try and explain then let the judgy look she gives me wash over me.

RubbleBubble00 · 10/08/2016 23:00

Just keep repeating 'oh they would cause chaos and it would just stress us all out' and keep repeating.

I have three boys who wouldn't sit nicely for coffee ect, bestie has a 3 year old girl who is pretty good at sitting nicely at table and playing with her iPad while we chat. So friend often brings her but she knows what my boys are like

bunnyfuller · 10/08/2016 23:37

They wouldn't enjoy it=I wouldn't enjoy it as it is a lot more bloody hard work different with the kids in tow. Kids enjoy anything with mum if it's new - there are so many family friendly places you can go to eat.

WilLiAmHerschel · 11/08/2016 00:03

Not read the thread whcih I know is frowned upon so don't shoot me.

My dd would never sit still or stay happily in her pram. If I was going to a restaurant with a friend and had someone who could look after dd I'd probably do that. I'm not sure why it matters what your friend says. Just say "no ill get someone to babysit. I'd like a break." or whatever. No big deal.

mathanxiety · 11/08/2016 00:08

Sometimes people think kids are 'well behaved' and theyre actually a little delayed

Just wow.

Sometimes people think their kids are well behaved because they actually are.

SylvieB74 · 11/08/2016 02:49

'Passive agressive' - ffs!

catkind · 11/08/2016 08:21

Slinky surely she's not expecting you to bring them to the pub. Surely it's just something to say to make conversation? If you're not sure how to start a conversation asking after family members is a common first step.

VitreousEnamel · 11/08/2016 09:33

The main problem here is that she has the right to deny a father his rights and responsibilities unless he has the resources to go to court several times.

The children should not belong to the woman. Fathers must fight for equality.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/08/2016 14:09

Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! And sometime kids are just ill behaved because their parents either can't be arsed to teach them manners or because they think their 'Speshul Sneauxflaykes' obnoxious antics are acceptable.

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 11/08/2016 14:20

all that 'look at that waiter' talk that a PP seems to think is beyond the parenting skills of some of us
This is not how I meant it I just wanted to point out that some children will sit still with a book or coloring, whereas some others need to be constantly engaged. So I am admitting that the meal won't be as relaxing than if the child wasn't there.

SlinkyB · 11/08/2016 17:06

catkind trust me, my sister isn't just trying to start conversation (she doesn't ever really do that). She asks where my small kids are in a mock-shock, eyebrows raised/frown like "I can't believe you've left them behind again" way.

She prides herself on the fact her child has always gone everywhere with them, never had a routine or bedtime and is happy to socialise with adults all the time. She cannot seem to understand that we are different, and our kids are different.

Her son is often in the beer garden of the pub she works in, and it's a standing joke he should be paid for glass collecting. I don't personally think children should frequent pubs growing up, especially ones like hers which is rough!

catkind · 11/08/2016 18:05

Sorry if that sounded like doubting you Slinky, just "where are the kids" is something I get asked all the time perfectly innocently if I show up somewhere with DH and without kids.

Sounds like you're both bringing up lovely kids but in different ways (wish mine would socialize with different age groups more!). Hope your sister grows out of the parenting evangelism soon. I find most people do somewhere around the 4-5 age range if not by the end of maternity leave... I wouldn't bother explaining or justifying. Just answer the question in a bored tone and move on?

SlinkyB · 11/08/2016 18:25

No worries Yes, we get asked where the kids are (in a nice way) when we're without them.

My nephew is almost ten years old, so don't think there's a chance my sister will change haha! It's just how she is, loves having him with her at all times. She finds it weird that we don't take the kids with us for our wedding anniversary night away each year?! I love my kids dearly, but every now and then a night away from them is brilliant.

kennycat · 13/08/2016 20:21

i get both your points of view perfectly.

Perhaps, as I think others may have suggested, you coulc invite her round to yours, or for a picnic and make it a bit of a fancier meal. So like if you'd normally go for a sandwich, do a cafe style sandwich with chutney, crisps and salad on the side, or if you normally go for pizza, stick some nice pizzas in the oven and have them. That way you get some nice food but in an environment where the children can be a bit more free, you get to catch up with each other, and you can relax a bit more.
You could suggest you each contribute something if you wanted to share the cost a bit more.

I haven't read the whole thread so maybe someone has already suggested my idea!

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