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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to be asked to bring my son along

121 replies

dranaksjd · 09/08/2016 08:26

I am a Single Mum of twin boys Aged 2 and a half. I am 27. They're lovely boys and very well behaved but they're boisterous and love the park/bike riding/soft play. They would never be the type to enjoy sitting in a pram while I go shopping or sitting in a restaurant. On the occasions where I need to they will do those things and be good but I'm always conscious they aren't enjoying it so rush past.

I have a single Mum friend who has a three year old daughter who she takes everywhere with her as she had no one to have her. Her ex has asked to see their daughter but she has refused and admitted its because she wants a clean break!!

When we arrange to meet up its to the park or soft play and I take my twins along. However, if it's to a restaurant or shopping I leave them with their Nana as they would be much happier doing that then walking through shops or sitting still in a Restaurant. I wouldn't even enjoy it with them there as its not something they would enjoy.

Problem is, my friend always asks me to bring them. And says stuff like ' aww my daughter is really looking forward to seeing them' or something alone those lines.

Aibu to find that really annoying? I would never ask her to bring her daughter, it's nothing to do with me if she does. And I certainly wouldn't guilt trip anyone into bringing them.

She would love to have a day without her daughter. But it's not my fault she has no one to have her and I don't see why I should have to bring my twins along just to entertain her daughter.

OP posts:

Noonesfool · 09/08/2016 08:57

So tell her "if you want your DD to play with the boys, let's go for a picnic instead"

WizardOfToss · 09/08/2016 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

dranaksjd · 09/08/2016 08:58

We have been friends for 10 years and only had children 3 years ago so we are close and we're friends before the children came along.

OP posts:

WizardOfToss · 09/08/2016 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 09/08/2016 09:00

Go to the park and have a picnic instead of going to a restaurant. Problem solved. And you have no idea what sort of a dad he is.

jumpjumpformylove · 09/08/2016 09:01

So the friend is going to keep her child strapped in a buggy throughout the day - but your twins are there to keep her company? How do they interact/play? Do they crouch over her buggy and chat to her?!

Going shopping with 3 (almost) 3 year olds sounds like hell. A park, yes; but shopping? Not even with three of the most angelic...

hiccupgirl · 09/08/2016 09:03

I get where you're coming from having a DS who was a whirlwind and tantrum throwing monster at 2-3. There is no way a restaurant or shopping trip would be any fun for either of us at that age. I did it a few times but it was such hard work to keep him under control.

Clearly your friend's DD is a very different child to your DSs and is ok with sitting quietly in the pushchair and colouring nicely in a restaurant. If her child is like this she is going to find it hard to understand why you don't want to bring your boys along. All you can do is stick to your guns that it doesn't work for you and hopefully she eventually drop it.

BuzzzyBeee · 09/08/2016 09:04

Is there no child friendly restraunts near you? With soft play?

davos · 09/08/2016 09:06

So you think your 'friend' is stopping a perfectly good dad from seeing her Dd and you are still friends with her?

She is a crap mum and you feel sorry for her child, but still friends with her?

I assume the father is going through the courts for access? Since he is such a good dad?

Quite honestly I couldn't be around someone who had such little regard for their child's emotional well being. Especially if I didn't really like them and they annoyed me (which is the case here).

She wants you to bring your sons, you don't. I can't see why this is even an issue.

LaContessaDiPlump · 09/08/2016 09:07

CinderellaFant

My son is 5. If I'm meeting friends for coffee and bring him too (regardless of how many times we have done this, which is a LOT) he will inevitably get bored, get fidgety, start talking over us and generally start being a dick. It does not matter what I take for him, how much I try to entertain him, how much I try to make him learn the social rules. the situation does not suit him and he will be a dick. The fact that your daughter behaves differently may not solely be due to your utterly amazing parenting

I sympathise op. You do sound rather judgy though. Have you tried gently discussing these topics with her? Silently resenting her seems worse than trying to help.

MyKingdomForBrie · 09/08/2016 09:12

What davos said. I'd be 'judgy' about the contact with the father in that situation too (since when has having an opinion automatically been 'judgy' and how do all of you lot cope without ever using your reasoning ability) she's being a twat to her dd taking that relationship away and you should tell her so.

Noonesfool · 09/08/2016 09:14

The "judgey" bit is coming on here and bitching about it....

Chippednailvarnishing · 09/08/2016 09:15

generally start being a dick

I thought it was only my DS who did this

corythatwas · 09/08/2016 09:16

Children are different. You know your child. If you know he is not going to enjoy something it is fine to say no. But YBU to be annoyed with her because she suggests something that you feel might not be right for your son. She is not your son's mother: she can only judge from what works with her child. Nor is she a mind reader. Don't see why a quick no thanks doesn't sort it.

I have a large extended family: some of its members were fine with eating out as toddlers and had impeccable table manners from an early age, others were more of the tornado variety. They have all grown up into perfectly fine people and none of them seem repressed or damaged. They were just different. You couldn't possibly predict anything about one of them from any one of the others.

Amelie10 · 09/08/2016 09:18

Is this really such a big deal in your life? Does this annoy you to such an extent that you needed to whinge about her. She seems to just genuinely think all the kids would like to see each other. But you seem quite awful with the talk of her ex and her not having anyone to take care of her DD.

NataliaOsipova · 09/08/2016 09:19

I can sympathise - I've had the opposite problem (if that makes sense). I have a friend who always wants to meet up without the kids, which is a pain for me because I have limited babysitting and doing that means that I then wouldn't feel able to ask for babysitting for something that I couldn't do with the children in tow. Our kids get on well (I'm pretty sure, anyway!) and mine are pretty well behaved (ditto!), so I've always found it a bit difficult. I think just explaining to her is the best policy.

I also think that often you are so immersed in what your own kids do/don't do that it can be hard to forget that other people's children are completely different! My DCs are very happy to sit in a coffee shop and have a cake (in fact, they see it as a bit of a treat), so it always comes as a bit of a surprise if another mother is aghast at the idea! She maybe just doesn't realise that what is fun for her and her DD is bloody difficult for you. Just have a chat and suggest something else that your boys would like to do.

ChocolateButton15 · 09/08/2016 09:22

It's not clear if you have actually explained to her why you don't bring them?
On the other hand she may have the same opinion of you and wonder why they can't sit still eating dinner and not understand why you aren't bringing them with you.

If you don't tell her why you aren't bringing them you will just end up resenting her and sounds like you do now.

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/08/2016 09:26

Can I ask why a 3 year old is still in a buggy. That seems a little strange

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 09/08/2016 09:39

YANBU. Just say nicely each time that yes, park or soft play are fine, but restaurants/shopping are a no-no with your twins at their age.
If she is bent on eating out, how about a picnic in the park?

Lj8893 · 09/08/2016 09:40

olivers lots of 3 year olds may still be in buggys, is it that strange?

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 09/08/2016 09:42

I have been there, I have twins and my friends with just one toddler don't understand while I am reluctant to go to some places with the children. I just explain to them that one particular place won't work for me, but I try to find alternatives. Most of them time they help me out if both twins need attention at the same time, and it works out well.

However, on the specific restaurant thing, I also believe children should be taught how to behave in a restaurant, ie staying at the table instead of running around, no shouting, don't throw the cutlery on the floor... Easier to teach them when they are young, also because people are sympathetic when they are 1-2 yo, but if you start teaching them at 4-5-6 then people might not accept the misbehavior thinking a child this age should know better. I started going out for lunch on my own with the children when they were about 1yo - and in a way it is easier to do it on your own than with a friend or partner, as you can fully focus on the children. Now they are 2.5 and they ask to go to restaurants when we pass them.

Planty18 · 09/08/2016 09:52

Taking twins and one toddler/3 year old to anywhere is not the same. I have twins so I understand your reluctance. It's not relaxing in any way. Just reply and say you won't enjoy it and can't relax if you bring the boys, so either we could meet somewhere else or you'll just come on your own. Maybe she feels bad in a way too as she has to bring her daughter with her each time (in her eyes, it's none of your business why she's decided never to leave her with someone else). Just be honest, I'm surprised this is annoying enough to be analysing really.

LaContessaDiPlump · 09/08/2016 10:12

Chipped no, both of mine have mastered this skill but I must say that DS1 is king at it! DS2 will sit with me and have a little hot chocolate quite happily, bless him. He's made me feel better about myself as at least I haven't produced TWO feral children

CinderellaFant · 09/08/2016 10:18

Lacontessa no need to be bitchy- no where have I said I'm an amazing parent. We are all just trying our best.

Chippednailvarnishing · 09/08/2016 10:26

LaContessa isn't being "bitchy".

Cinderella your post was frankly smug, no amount of "because it's always been this way she knows how to behave when we are out and will sit at the table with a scone and glass of milk and colour in or bring a Barbie with her to play with" would have pursaded my DS at two that milk and Barbie was his idea of a good afternoon.

All children are different, just because your DD will sit still doesn't mean that everyone else's will and I say this as someone who has two DCs of completely different temperaments.

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