To not want to be asked to bring my son along

[dranaksjd]

I am a Single Mum of twin boys Aged 2 and a half. I am 27. They're lovely boys and very well behaved but they're boisterous and love the park/bike riding/soft play. They would never be the type to enjoy sitting in a pram while I go shopping or sitting in a restaurant. On the occasions where I need to they will do those things and be good but I'm always conscious they aren't enjoying it so rush past.

I have a single Mum friend who has a three year old daughter who she takes everywhere with her as she had no one to have her. Her ex has asked to see their daughter but she has refused and admitted its because she wants a clean break!!

When we arrange to meet up its to the park or soft play and I take my twins along. However, if it's to a restaurant or shopping I leave them with their Nana as they would be much happier doing that then walking through shops or sitting still in a Restaurant. I wouldn't even enjoy it with them there as its not something they would enjoy.

Problem is, my friend always asks me to bring them. And says stuff like ' aww my daughter is really looking forward to seeing them' or something alone those lines.

Aibu to find that really annoying? I would never ask her to bring her daughter, it's nothing to do with me if she does. And I certainly wouldn't guilt trip anyone into bringing them.

She would love to have a day without her daughter. But it's not my fault she has no one to have her and I don't see why I should have to bring my twins along just to entertain her daughter.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

My DD was not good at sitting and behaving for long stretches. Not many boys are and girls tend to sit better than boys. With twins, it's even more demanding. My DD is still a very very active child - so a bit more like a boy in that regard. All children are individuals. My friend's son was particularly difficult for something like this - no way would we have gone out for lunch and a chat when our dcs were 2.5. We did go as a big group when they were maybe 4 once but that was after a walk and a trip to the museum. I did go out with a friend sometimes before my DD was born and her son was about 5. I am still amazed at how he would sit and play with his dinosaurs for an hour. DD wouldn't sit for an hour now and she's 8!

I'm bemused at the smug posts that children will only learn how to behave if exposed to restaurants at a tender age.

[davos]

I could take my first anywhere. Posh restaurants, flew first class etc and she never made a peep. People even used to come over and tell me how well behaved she was.

I felt pretty smug. I was obviously and excellent parents

My second came along and refused to sit still or stay quiet. Turns out my first was just fairly quiet and my second wasn't. Rather than me being a supreme parent.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

If I'd had DS2 first then I would have been SUCH an insufferable smug twat wrt his general tendency to sit quietly and observe the world. OBVIOUSLY a result of my excellent child-rearing skillz.

Thankfully DS1 saved me from this dreadful fate

[bumsexatthebingo]

Tbh I think it's a bit weird for you to go and meet your friend and her dad and have your kids minded. I'm sure toddler twins in a restaurant aren't easy but they won't learn how to behave in that environment if you never take them and it's not like it's a relaxing meal with a friend if their child is there anyway? But yes your friend also sounds a bit weird confining her child to a pushchair. Only read the first page btw in case there has been any drip feeding since.

[bumsexatthebingo]

Dd obviously not dad!

[Dutchcourage]

She probably feels sorry for you that you have twins that can't sit still.

[AcrossthePond55]

I don't understand what's so wrong with OP (or anyone for that matter) wanting to be able to relax sans toddlers? My boys were pretty well behaved when 'out and about' at that age and I still would have expected my DH or asked my mum/MiL to watch them if I was meeting a friend for a meal or shopping. It was a 'break' for me. And Lord knows I've seen plenty of threads on here from mums saying they need a break and 'adult time'. Usually it's a chorus of your DH is being selfish by not watching the kids, etc, etc.

If Friend wants to bring her DD, fine, but she shouldn't expect OP to bring her DT's to entertain her DD or so that OP is in the same position as her not being to relax/needing to tend to a child.

Friend's keeping her DD from her stbx isn't really relevant other than that she's cutting off her nose to spite her face as far as childcare. But who knows, perhaps he's abusive or being an arse about settling. We never really know the truth about someone else's marriage breakdown. But the Friend could always hire a sitter for a few hours if she doesn't have relatives to watch her DD.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Could it be the friend is a control freak.

DD has to stay in her push chair

The dd not being allowed to see his dd

This friend sounds a bit uptight.

Maybe her dd does as she is told as god knows what would happen if she decided she didn't want to stay in the push chair

[bumsexatthebingo]

I wouldn't call it relaxing to spend time with someone elses 3 yr old - however well behaved or confined to a pushchair they may be. I would feel weird spending time with someone elses kid whilst having my own minded. Lunch with a friend on our own or doing something by myself is what I would class as relaxing. If I was meeting a friend with their kids I would want to take mine with me. I would maybe meet somewhere other than a restaurant if I thought my kids couldn't cope there.

[maninawomansworld01]

YANBU at all.
Some things are much, much more enjoyable without small children in tow.
Stick to your guns, don't take them and enjoy yourself. Her child is her problem, not yours.

[MrEBear]

Mummy of little Dragon I have to thank you for your bemused comment.


You have made me realise all kids will learn to sit in their own time and fretting about it is pointless. I complained one day about my DC climbing into my bed during the night the reply I got was "just remember, the last place he'll want to be at 16 is in your bed" and I'm guessing that sitting still is exactly the same. No 16 year old would want to run about in a restaurant for the hell off it.

[DeadGood]

"My daughter is 3 and comes with me everywhere- why wouldn't she? She is my child so why would I leave her with my mum."

What an odd thing to say *cinderellafant" - so you dismiss the entire concept of babysitting? Do you think the only person a child should spend their time with is a parent?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Glad I could help MrE . As preschoolers, DD and I used to hang out with a bunch of relaxed mums - first time mums no less and we all used to take our lead from each other. IE how much free reign we would give to let the children explore the world. I think if I hadn't had that, I'd have spent too much time fretting or standing around constantly saying no or to be careful. It reduced the angst no end. DD aged 8 is very confident, part nature, part nurture.

[bumsexatthebingo]

I'm quite surprised that few people seem to find it odd that the children were babysat so the op could have lunch with someone else's child.

[Thisisnotreallymyname]

Would it really kill you to take them with you maybe every 4 th visit?

[Goingtobeawesome]

This is just all wrong. When there has been no abuse from a father to their child it is totally wrong that a mother can just decide she doesn't want to see her ex so her child can't have their father in their life.

[annoyedofnorwich]

She's unreasonable, purely because of the pushchair thing.

[NellWilsonsWhiteHair]

I sympathise with your friend: I love taking DS to a restaurant (he's 4 now but felt the same at 3) - boy child behaves nicely in restaurant shocker!! And I also have extremely limited childcare, so frankly would see lunch with 99% of people as a waste of that. I love spending time with my single mother friend who has a child close in age to mine and although she was my friend before we had our children, I'd probably feel a bit disappointed to see her without her son because they play nicely together and that's nice to see and means we can chat properly ourselves.

That said, I would probably take the hint if a friend said they didn't want to bring their child! But I genuinely might not realise why - not sure I would necessarily notice/remember that restaurants are stressful for someone else simply because (through good fortune) that's not been my experience.

(On the restaurant thing, DS was a whingey nightmare from birth and I wouldn't have dared try him in a cafe much before he turned three. But then suddenly he was ready, and so was I. We started in places like the sainsburys cafe, and I still use that as 'training ground' when his restaurant behaviour starts getting a bit dodgy, but I can take him pretty much anywhere now and he understands what's expected of him - whether it's just him and me, whether it's us with other adult friend/s, or whether there are other families with us. So I can understand knowing it's not somewhere your children can cope with, as well as being able to almost take it for granted that they will.)

[gemma19846]

Cinderellafant i take it you dont have any sons?.Most 2 year old boys would find it very difficult to sit in a cafe , still and quiet colouring. It isnt a case of your dd 'behaving' and other children not being able/taught how to behave. My ds gets bored very quickly and has the energy of a duracell battery. Hes always been the same, its exausting and id never attempt to take him to meet friends at a cafe, park or playcentre yes, cafe/restaurant no way. Hes also a very well behaved polite little boy. I also have a dd who i would take to a cafe no problem

[gemma19846]

Btw i wouldnt of left him with someone while i went for lunch with friend and their kids id suggest a playcentre or park or just say ds wouldnt sit still so i cant go x

[Mummyoflittledragon]

No Thisis. But it would likely kill the meal and the conversation.

[panegyricS1]

I agree with you. Why take your boys to something that will bore them when there are better options available for them? Pencils and paper will hold their attention only briefly by the sound of it.

Your friend sounds like one of those martyr types. And keeping a child from its father is unacceptable, unless there are issues of which you are unaware.

[bimbobaggins]

I don't understand why you can't just say you are enjoying some time without your kids. There's no shame in that.

[AngelBlue12]

gemma19846

It REALLY irritates me when people gender stereotype like that. I have 5 DD's the older 3 and the youngest I could take anywhere from tinies DD4 however even though she is now 4 eating/going out is still a battle.

It has nothing to do with boys vs girls, girls don't just sit still and look pretty, and all boys aren't tearaways it goes with their personality not their blinking gender.

[Wheelsonthebus123]

Angel, but if 80% of your daughters did display typical "girl" traits of sitting nicely and 20% didn't surely that re-enforces the stereotype that girl are "more likely" to be of a certain personality type.