To not want to be asked to bring my son along

[dranaksjd]

I am a Single Mum of twin boys Aged 2 and a half. I am 27. They're lovely boys and very well behaved but they're boisterous and love the park/bike riding/soft play. They would never be the type to enjoy sitting in a pram while I go shopping or sitting in a restaurant. On the occasions where I need to they will do those things and be good but I'm always conscious they aren't enjoying it so rush past.

I have a single Mum friend who has a three year old daughter who she takes everywhere with her as she had no one to have her. Her ex has asked to see their daughter but she has refused and admitted its because she wants a clean break!!

When we arrange to meet up its to the park or soft play and I take my twins along. However, if it's to a restaurant or shopping I leave them with their Nana as they would be much happier doing that then walking through shops or sitting still in a Restaurant. I wouldn't even enjoy it with them there as its not something they would enjoy.

Problem is, my friend always asks me to bring them. And says stuff like ' aww my daughter is really looking forward to seeing them' or something alone those lines.

Aibu to find that really annoying? I would never ask her to bring her daughter, it's nothing to do with me if she does. And I certainly wouldn't guilt trip anyone into bringing them.

She would love to have a day without her daughter. But it's not my fault she has no one to have her and I don't see why I should have to bring my twins along just to entertain her daughter.

[MarshHarriet]

I think The Magic MN Colouring Crayons must be even more magic then the MN Magic Chicken.

I wish I had had them to hand when DS's were small. Because they were not interested in sitting still at a table at all, not interested on a scone or anything else once hunger had worn off. Even ice cream. And almost never ever interested in colouring, declaring it 'boring' from the moment they were introduced to it.

So I avoided spending money on meals out, paying for an expensive battleground, or a wasted lovely plate of food for us.

My boys now have extremely good table manners, I have never once resorted to an iPad or phone at the table, and they enjoy a range of very adventurous eating out.

Just tell your friend the mother of a girl that you don't find eating out with your twins conducive, and suggest a picnic or other outing instead.

Not everyone has the same toddlers, or lives.

[Lj8893]

I've seen several posts now insinuating that the difference in behaviour is due to being a girl or boy. What utter crap! Some toddlers are more boisterous, some are quieter and will sit happily playing gently. This is down to personality, not what bloody genitals they own!

[LivingOnTheDancefloor]

True, some children will happily sit still while others won't. Does it mean the second kind shouldn't be taught?
DS tried to run around as soon as he is done eating, I had to constantly engage with him especially at the beginning, look at this server, here comes a baby maybe you could waive at him, oh listen the coffee machine, ...

[CinderellaFant]

Children learn by experiencing things- that's a fact. If she never brings her children to restaurants how are they going to learn how to behave in one? All kids love to run around mad but they all need to learn that there are certain places that they can't behave like that.

[Chippednailvarnishing]

Because the OP is on her own with twins, it isn't as simple as just "engaging" with them.

Not going to a restaurant at age 2 isn't going to condemn them to a life with no table manners, it just needs to wait awhile until the OP is happier with their ability to sit still and enjoy their meals.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

I have twins so I definitely understand where you're coming from!

I had a thought - Since you have been friends for a long time and had kids around the same time, do you think she might be fretting that you think her DD is badly behaved? From what I've seen on MN, people tend to leave their children behind if they think their friend's child is badly behaved. That could explain her constantly asking you to bring the boys?

[deathtoheadlice]

Seems like telling her in advance that restaurants and shopping aren't going to work for your twin toddlers. Since you know what the plan is before you get there, no reason she needs to turn up and be surprised that you again have decided not to bring your twins to a restaurant lunch.

And really - any parent who can't believe that twin two-year-olds will not be very relaxing in a restaurant can presumably suffer to have this laid out for them very, very clearly! and repeatedly. till they're 8. [boggles].

(who are these people with twin toddlers who sit nicely in restaurants and sit in their prams for hours watching their parents shop and chat with friends? I guess in a world this big, they probably exist somewhere but neither of my dc would have done that for more than 5 minutes at age 2, except maybe if they'd had a continuous stream of peppa pig on an ipad.)

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Some kids will sit nicely without much struggle, others experience massive internal discomfort at the mere prospect of it. DS2 is of the first type, DS1 is of the second type - and there are only 13mo between them so they were parented in the same way at the same time. I've dinned the 'rules' into them but DS1 clearly finds it much harder to comply than DS2 does, which means a coffee shop is simply not an ideal place for him. Until he's old enough to slouch sit in the corner and reliably control his legs, I'm not taking him there.

TBF if I take both of them together then DS1 eggs DS2 on and he becomes just as bad (much as I imagine it is with twins)! Two together is harder, no question.

[pictish]

Cinderella I see where you're coming from and overall I agree with your logic.
However, these twins are two and a half...they're not five. There is plenty of time yet for them to learn how to behave in a restaurant...and they will! It doesn't need to be now.
Some things are better left until the parent knows the time is appropriate. What those things are will differ between families.

[WorraLiberty]

You sound a little bit jealous that her daughter will sit still in her buggy and your kids won't.

No need to be jealous as all kids are different.

No need to 'feel sorry' for her child as that makes you sound a tad bitter.

YANBU to be tired of being asked the same question. Just tell her to stop asking because she's only going to get the same answer every time.

[NeedAnotherGlass]

I feel sorry for her daughter as I do feel she needs support with parenting.
You are judging her DD by your children's needs. She is not the same. Some kids are happy to sit for longer than others. She clearly does other activities.
There's nothing wrong with her asking you to bring your boys and there is nothing wrong with you declining to do so. I don't understand why this has become an issue.

[LivingOnTheDancefloor]

Chipped Because the OP is on her own with twins, it isn't as simple as just "engaging" with them.

I have 2.5yo twins as well.
I sit them both in highchairs, I sit opposite them and manage to get them to eat and eat my own meal. I choose a family friendly restaurant, food that won't be too messy, bring along a couple of new books to keep them calm while waiting for the food... Is is not relaxing, but I never regret it and am always glad I made the effort.

I agree however that it is easier with some children than with others.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Hark at you judging op, yet telling others off for calling troll on the poo thread and judging them for doing so... Between this, the poo thread and your very questionable comment about women asking men out, it's been a very busy first 24 hours for you! And before you ask, no I didn't AS you, I noticed your posts because frankly they are odd and realised it was the same poster.

[WorraLiberty]

My DS2 was always irrationally monumentally happy, sat in his buggy, munching on a breadstick and watching the world go by

DS1 and DS3 not so much.

The only time I would feel sorry for a child in that situation, is if they were screaming to get out. Then again if that was the case, I'm sure the OP's friend would have to take her out anyway.

[WorraLiberty]

Oh really PaulAnka?

FFS this place is weirder than a weird thing lately.

[PaulAnkaTheDog]

Yup Worra!

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Lj8893 yes I do find it strange for a 3 year old (I presume with no medical condition that makes walking difficult) to be strapped and pushed around in a pushchair.

My youngest walked at 9 months and my eldest at 13 months both refused to get in a buggy after about 18months old. 1 year old for youngest. I would walk the dog with them, go shopping and generally where ever I went they went.
I used the buggy as a form of shopping cart or mobile picnic transporter. It was there for when they got tired. Not that they ever seemed to get tired

[lljkk]

"well done you've been so good staying in your pram and not walking'!!!"

When OP has her sons on the loose, that comment sounds like a passive aggressive dig, I would find that irksome, too.

Just do what you need to do Drana, you don't need to justify your choices to anyone.

Plus feeding kids in restaurants is expensive.

[mumbathing]

I've been in the position of your friend so I see where she is coming from. I was a single mum with a dd and had a friend with 2 dd's who would always leave them with her mum when we met up which I used to think was because she was self-centred and a lazy-mum who couldn't be bothered to look after her own kids and would fob them off at the first opportunity (I don't think this now btw). It's hard when you have just one Dc and no babysitter, it's nice for them to see other kids their age and interact with rather then just sitting with adults. So don't be too hard on her.
However, I have since had 3 ds's and recoil with horror the thought of taking them to a restaurant so I understand where you are coming from too. I think maybe suggest more parks, child-friendly cafes and soft play when you meet up

[NapQueen]

Why can't you be more explicit with her "hi if the kids are involved can we do something a bit more child friendly? There's a new soft play I want to try. Sorry they just don't like sitting still in restaurants much at this age, roll on age 7 aye hahaha"

[MrEBear]

Personally I'd go down the route of suggesting child friendly places. Soft play if wet, park / picnic if dry. Explain you find restaurants to be too stressful with your two who want to be on the move.

My order is in for next child, I would like one who knows its bum is for sitting on, no amount of praise, food or crayons would make my DS sit at that age, and with a friend to play with he would laugh at you. We were out the other day crayons became rockets.....but at least he sat.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

God, so much paranoia and assumptions about what other mother's think. She praises her child for what she sees as good behaviour, but really she only said it to get a dig in at OP? Mother who never bought her DDs was a lazy cow who couldn't be bothered to look after her own kids?

FFS. This is why I'm so bloody paranoid to take my kids anywhere. Mothers whine about being judged, but cheerfully point the finger. You can't win. Personally I save my ire for abusive or negligent parents.

[LivingOnTheDancefloor]

"well done you've been so good staying in your pram and not walking'!!!"

I don't see it as an attack on OP either. I will sometimes say something similar if I want mine to stay in the buggy whereas other children are allowed to be out. It doesn't mean I disapprove of what the other parents are doing at all! Just that on some occasions, walking on a busy street for ex, I couldn't safely manage 2 children + the buggy, whereas my friend with one child is ok.

[AyeAmarok]

I agree with Worra that it sounds like you are feeling insecure about her 3 year old being well behaved and so going on the attack. That's not nice.

Some children are happy to sit still, some aren't. It's rarely down to parenting. They're all so young and things may well change.

[davos]

This is why I'm so bloody paranoid to take my kids anywhere. Mothers whine about being judged, but cheerfully point the finger. You can't win

this ^^