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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu for moving my son into a smaller bedroom

138 replies

Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 08/08/2016 09:17

We have three children and four bedrooms. 3 bedrooms are decent sized doubles. Teenage son has the smallest double but he has an ensuite bathroom. Everyone happy with this. The youngest (one year old) is currently in with us.
Middle son has the biggest bedroom with floor to ceiling built in wardrobes and cupboards. This room is about 14ft by 13ft. He only has a single bed (11 year old). His room is constantly a tip. He takes his ironed clothes and just tosses them into a crumpled heap in the cupboard. He never hovers the room but doesn't want me to do it either. He constantly has reams of paper strewn over the floor and dozens of books, DVDs and food wrappers all over the place. Dirty clothes just pile up on the floor and his wet towels live on the carpet. He says it his impossible to keep the room in any state of tidiness. I have threatened to move him into the smallest room on many occasions so he has less space to keep tidy. I am at the end of my tether with his level of mess. Yes it is his room, but we have 2 asthma sufferers in the house and his dust levels are atrocious. The one year old has food allergies and we are sick of the food and wrappers that we find lying around middle sons bedroom as the baby could have an allergic reaction if he toddles in and picks things up.
I am now at the point of considering moving ds2 into the smallest room as I will clean and tidy it and it is a smaller space so will be easier for me to do.
Aibu to do this? Ds2 thinks this is unfair, mean and tantamount to child abuse

OP posts:

QuestionableMouse · 08/08/2016 13:22

I'd put the basics in the small bedroom - bed, lamp, desk. Then I'd put a lock on the other room. Take him in and let him pick five toys/books to take into the other room with him. He can earn more back by keeping the small room tidy, showing and brushing his teeth and things like putting his washing in the basket.

mydietstartsmonday · 08/08/2016 13:23

Streamline his stuff & move him to the smaller bedroom.
This level of mess is not acceptable.
As for him moaning about an invasion of privacy - er no, he lives in your house and your rules apply plus he is 11! Privacy is reserved for those who contribute towards the household.

YANBU!

Ginkypig · 08/08/2016 13:23

Definitely give him the smaller room.

I'd take everything away.

If he won't respect his things then he gets no things!

Hand him one set of clothes for the day and he gets the next set once they are put away.

He then earns his things back gradually by looking after them, if he starts to revert the latest earned things get taken back.

It sounds harsh but he needs to learn that things are not just going to appear if he wrecks them, he's behaving like a spoiled prince!

pictish · 08/08/2016 13:25

Specialagent has a point too. I'm laughing but it's easy for me as it's not my son. I would have been furious with him for taking it to the school like that.

A friend of mine once had a situation whereby she had left her 12 yr old son plenty of materials to make his packed lunch but he couldn't be arsed and just took two slices of bread to school with him.
When questioned by the staff about why he only had a slice of bread for lunch, rather than admit he was too lazy to make a sandwich he spun a tale about his mum not having been paid yet and that was all there was.

The school caller her offering financial assistance to buy groceries, which was very kind of them.

He was grounded for a month.

hazeimcgee · 08/08/2016 13:27

Id try and get it sortee over the hols whilst he has time for a good sort

Original poster

Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 08/08/2016 13:35

Special agent has a point too. I'm laughing but it's easy for me as it's not my son. I would have been furious with him for taking it to the school like that.

We were furious. We laughed it off to the pastoral lady but we had stern words with ds when he got home. Sadly he is very capable of making an allegation which would then impact on the other children and we do have that in mind. That is partly why we think it would be better to just streamline his stuff and give him a smaller room rather than battle constantly about the health risks he is creating to his siblings. We have photographed the state of his room just to protect ourselves in the event that he does make an allegation which is taken seriously. Fortunately we dont need any smelling evidence of his personal hygiene ds1 also knows that his brother is a lazy drama queen and will happily tell people.

OP posts:

diddl · 08/08/2016 13:40

"told the pastoral person that me and DH had stolen all his stuff and were mistreating him. "

That is just horrible. I wonder what on earth he thought that it would achieve!

pudcat · 08/08/2016 13:41

Sadly he is very capable of making an allegation which would then impact on the other children and we do have that in mind. This is blackmail. I think you need to get some sort of outside agency involved. Could be doctor, school. Your son sounds as if he needs more help than just tidying his bedroom and his personal hygeine.

Original poster

Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 08/08/2016 13:51

We asked camhs for help pudcat and they said he was just lazy and manipulative and we needed to continue having firm boundaries and expectations despite his behaviours. I can imagine that many parents would be unable to cope with the fear of allegations and no outside help and the child would then become very controlling and take over but DH and I are fortunately very firm and don't show ds2 that we fear an accusation . I suppose the point of thevthreadvwaa justbtoneeaasure myself that it isn't unreasonable to move him into he smaller room. If everyone had said it was unreasonable then I would have conceded but it has been a mixed bag. The thread has been good to get a variety of perspectives.
The kids have been out all day with grandparents and will be back in a couple of hours then the drama will begin.

OP posts:

madcapcat · 08/08/2016 13:57

This sounds very like my DN tbh. From 11 to 13 there were constant battles about hygiene and mess (used sanpro left on the floor or put into drawers with her clothes - I mean WTF??) . 10 years on she is still like this - everything she possesses seems to be in a large heap over every available surface with a large helping of food wrappers, dirty teaspoons , rotting fruit etc mixed in (though at least not the sanpro any more) . I don't actually know how she manages to sleep to be honest - the bed is also buried under about 2 feet of junk...

I would go with those who've said one last warning and them move combined with financial or other incentives for complying with agreed tidiness rules. Good luck

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 08/08/2016 14:04

you need outside help. CAhMS is pretty shit (DS1 has severe SN so been there, done that, got the t-shirt) having to take photographic evidence because your son blackmails you is not normal. moving him because it's easier than dealing with his threats that could seriously impact your other children is blackmail.

He's almost 12. What's he going to be like at 14, 16, 18?

coconutpie · 08/08/2016 14:08

I wouldn't even bother with one last warning tbh. That's way more than he deserves at this point. I would just tell him he's moving to the smaller room and that's that. He's had enough chances at this stage to sort out the mess. As for his total lack of hygiene, do his friends not comment on how gross he is? Does he have any friends if he smells that bad?

Original poster

Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 08/08/2016 14:10

I know special but I don't know where to go for help. Social services are not interested , school dont know what to suggest, the GP could only recommend camhs. It does seem like there is no support for parents with children who have issues rather than the other way around.

OP posts:

Original poster

Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 08/08/2016 14:11

He does have friends but he gets into a lot of arguments at school, no doubt partly because he sometimes smells but he blames other reasons.

OP posts:

Original poster

Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 08/08/2016 14:13

He does smell less during term time because he Is in the school swimming club so he is submerged in chlorinated water twice a week

OP posts:

pudcat · 08/08/2016 14:15

If you have tried all the help and got nowhere, then I would now clear his room and move him into the smaller room. Just let him have the bare minimum of clothes and other items. But first of all take photos for evidence so that any threats or accusations he makes will be negated.

Cornishclio · 08/08/2016 14:17

Yes I think you should move him into a smaller bedroom. If he is untidy and does not clean and tidy his room I would insist on doing it it too. I would tell my younger daughter who was a slob when younger (now as an adult her own house is immaculate) that anything on the floor, apart from clothes would go in a bin bag and she would not get it back until the room was kept tidy for a day or so. I don't buy this kids need their privacy. If he is too lazy to keep the room clean you are perfectly entitled to go in and clean it. It is about learning to respect your surroundings and belongings. Let your tidier older boy have the bigger bedroom so the middle one can see there are consequences for lazy slobbish behaviour.

Original poster

Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 08/08/2016 14:20

Let your tidier older boy have the bigger bedroom so the middle one can see there are consequences for lazy slobbish behaviour.

The older one has an ensuite and wouldn't trade it for a bigger room. He loves his room.
Ds2 would have to go in the smallest room which is currently a spare room.

OP posts:

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 08/08/2016 14:20

I'm sorry I can't help you Summer, my experience is all with SN. I really wish I could help! Perhaps post on teenagers? there's some very knowledgeable posters there who went through similar issues, such as minifingerz and springydaffs who will be able to help you, or a least give you advice on dealing with him.

Definitely get photo evidence! I'd move his room while he's out, and get rid of all the junk he's accumulated over the years. That way he can't be having a tantrum while you're trying to move rooms.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 08/08/2016 14:22

Like I said, I don't have teenagers yet, but maybe when you tidy his room and he moans about his privacy and rights, you can say 'if you're going to act like a baby/child, then I'll treat you like one.' Become annoyingly involved, like he was much younger. Given his intelligence levels that'll probably be a punishment that actually affects him

AnUtterIdiot · 08/08/2016 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuburbanRhonda · 08/08/2016 15:00

I agree you need to work with school (once he's back in September). It's great that you were able to laugh off the allegations he made but what you really need to be doing is working with them so they know what he's up to when he accuses you to the school.

Does his school have a home school link worker who could work with you and his dad to address these problems? I think you're doing the best you can but sometimes you need outsiders on your team to show him you're all working to the same end.

I have to say the personal hygiene issue does sound like a symptom of depression to me.

Original poster

Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 08/08/2016 15:57

My mum brought the kids back half an hour ago and has taken ds2 to stay with her for a few days. She has a nice sparse spare room and she doesn't have wifi so when the data runs out on his phone he will have no internet access. My mum went up to ds2 room to help him pack a bag and she gave him a royal telling off when she saw the state of it as she knows that I have tidied it many many times. Right about now I love and appreciate my mum more than ever.

OP posts:

PoisonWitch · 08/08/2016 16:59

Take the opportunity to move him and clean while he is away. Chuck obvious rubbish and keep junk separate. He can then pick some to keep when he gets back. Maybe ring him at your mum's and tell him your doing this. Give him opportunity to pick a colour for the walls?

MarshHarriet · 08/08/2016 17:13

It sounds very difficult, SummerHols.

I wonder from your description of him whether there is a degree of one-offness about him: very intelligent, difficulty with friends, etc. and I wonder if CAMHS missed something.

His personal hygiene, and the way he deliberately makes more mess or washes less if you put pressure on him makes me wonder if he has anxieties, or upsets or past trauma that makes him want to opt for a self-fulfilling prophecy of pissing people off or keeping them away.

Did they consider mild AS?

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