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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for moving my son into a smaller bedroom

138 replies

Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 08/08/2016 09:17

We have three children and four bedrooms. 3 bedrooms are decent sized doubles. Teenage son has the smallest double but he has an ensuite bathroom. Everyone happy with this. The youngest (one year old) is currently in with us.
Middle son has the biggest bedroom with floor to ceiling built in wardrobes and cupboards. This room is about 14ft by 13ft. He only has a single bed (11 year old). His room is constantly a tip. He takes his ironed clothes and just tosses them into a crumpled heap in the cupboard. He never hovers the room but doesn't want me to do it either. He constantly has reams of paper strewn over the floor and dozens of books, DVDs and food wrappers all over the place. Dirty clothes just pile up on the floor and his wet towels live on the carpet. He says it his impossible to keep the room in any state of tidiness. I have threatened to move him into the smallest room on many occasions so he has less space to keep tidy. I am at the end of my tether with his level of mess. Yes it is his room, but we have 2 asthma sufferers in the house and his dust levels are atrocious. The one year old has food allergies and we are sick of the food and wrappers that we find lying around middle sons bedroom as the baby could have an allergic reaction if he toddles in and picks things up.
I am now at the point of considering moving ds2 into the smallest room as I will clean and tidy it and it is a smaller space so will be easier for me to do.
Aibu to do this? Ds2 thinks this is unfair, mean and tantamount to child abuse Hmm

OP posts:
ElornaElephant · 08/08/2016 12:38

As an aside, if it continues and he asks you to find things for him because he's running late for school, just refuse! He's in senior school now, if he's late that's his own fault and he will have to deal with the consequences of his disorganisation.

RandomMess · 08/08/2016 12:39

You have threatened several times and not followed through.

I would give him several boxes - what he packs in them he gets to keep, get rid of everything else and then move him into the smaller room.

He has way too much stuff, it is overwhelming him, he doesn't value things at the moment so stop buying him so much stuff/giving him the funds to buy so much.

Original poster
Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 08/08/2016 12:41

His own bin?

We had to get rid of the bin as it was constantly overflowing with rotten food (I kid you not).

He had lots of hooks for bags etc but managed to break them all by hanging too much on them - think the nearest hook would have 20+ things precariously balanced on it whilst the other hooks would all be empty.

OP posts:
Iggi999 · 08/08/2016 12:47

Why does an 11 year old have the room with all the storage anyway? Where do you sleep OP?

pictish · 08/08/2016 12:48

Oh OP I am sorry but I did chuckle at your post down there about him. Grin
Yes you do need to man up. Sit down with your lad and agree between you an acceptable level of tidiness and how that can realistically be achieved. Remember, it's his room so it doesn't necessarily have to be kept quite to your standards. Compromise with him. Involve him in the discussion and take his views on board.

Maybe agree to reward him with extra pocket money if he is able to maintain the agreement for a certain amount of time. This works with our eldest who gets his pocket money doubled if he has kept his room to an acceptable standard of cleanliness for the month.

On the other hand, if he reneges on the agreement, you have to impose sanctions such as blocking his internet or suspending his xbox account. Whatever works.

He will renege and he will chuck a hissy fit when his internet bites the dust, but you stay firm until it's done. He knows the terms and conditions as he was involved in creating them, so it's not unfair or cruel or unreasonable for you to stick by what you agreed.

This is how we deal with a chronically untidy son. It's not perfect but it works as a basic premise overall. The room is tidier a bit more often than not. I can live with that.

Rosie29 · 08/08/2016 12:48

Arm yourself with bin bags and cardboard boxes.
Remove everything in the room into the bags/boxes
Lock it away, garage or anywhere
Leave his bed, with duvet and pillow, furniture, lamp, and MOST IMPORTANTLY only his school shoes and school uniform to wear.
Items returned once room is completely cleaned from top to bottom, then give back items slowly once he can demonstrate he can keep it tidy.
It will take 24 hours for your son to be a reformed character.
Man up now.
Good luck

Hufflepuffin · 08/08/2016 12:48

I would help him tidy and clean it and then sit down to make ground rules. Suggestions would be:

  1. He has to earn his privacy with a tidy room, right now he hasn't earnt it.

  2. You will go into his room every day while he is at school. Every item that is on the floor will be thrown away. Any item of rubbish on the floor will result in one item from the side being thrown away. Any item on the floor that you don't want to throw away (school uniform springs to mind) will result in one item from the side being thrown away. You could have a system of earning things back through showering or chores.

  3. if he doesn't improve by Christmas, he goes in the small room.

pictish · 08/08/2016 12:54

Dirty washing to the family washing basket.
Clean washing unceremoniously shoved put away in drawers.
Shoes paired and lined up against wall.
Coats/bags/robe hung up on back of door.
Rubbish collected and thrown out, bins emptied.
Floor cleared.
Under/side of bed cleared out.
Desk wiped.
Floor hoovered.

Done once a week takes half an hour.

WeAllHaveWings · 08/08/2016 12:55

We had to get rid of the bin as it was constantly overflowing with rotten food (I kid you not).

I would understand if you were talking about a 14/15 year old, but he's only 11/12. He's said he doesn't know how to keep his room tidy/keep on top of it, you need to show him by not letting it get into that state in the first place.

This doesn't mean doing it for him, but does mean spending 10 minutes a day showing him how to keep on top of it for however many weeks/months it takes to become a good habit. You might find once he's in a clean room the personal hygiene side of it follows.

Does he ever invite friends back to his room? ds(12) has friends back all the time and knows if his room isn't in a reasonable state they wont get in, and he needs to tidy after they've gone if they've left a mess or glasses etc. I need to prompt him for this so he does it.

Original poster
Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 08/08/2016 12:55

Why does an 11 year old have the room with all the storage anyway? Where do you sleep OP?

In the second biggest bedroom which is still a decent sized double with decent storage and has a lovely stained glass window overlooking the street. When we moved in it was decided that ds1 would get the ensuite and ds2 would get the bigger bedroom.

OP posts:
neonrainbow · 08/08/2016 12:56

He doesnt need so much stuff. Id make him go through everything and remove everything he doesnt use regularly. If he won't do it then give him a week then you do it. You're the parent.

hazeimcgee · 08/08/2016 12:56

I reckon one more warning - day to tidy it with offer of help and if it gets untody again he gets shipped. Point out it's a smaller room so he can only take what will sensibly fot and the rest goes in storage. If he can keep it clean til (week before he goes back to school?) he can move back and earn one box of stuff back for every week it stays tidy. Room will be checked every Saturday lunchtime and if it's not tidy by tea time there's a consequence.

He's 11 so assumimg no SEN he is old enough to understand consequences and that he's currently getting away with it.

I'd also impose a consequence for food you find in there

Sorry but at 11 i see no reason you shouldn't be entitled to go in there. He's a child

pictish · 08/08/2016 12:56

Oh and all crockery and cutlery returned to kitchen as well. Ffs.

diddl · 08/08/2016 13:03

If you need to dust/hoover the room for the sake of others in the house, then you put him where it's easiest for you to do that imo.

BlackeyedSusan · 08/08/2016 13:04

you really have to let him feel the consequences of his behaviour. if it is a mess he is late when he can not find things.

Original poster
Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 08/08/2016 13:05

We tried most of that pictish. After removing the wifi I got several emails saying that I had requested a password reset (ds2 had obviously done it) and then it was really difficult to put the wifi back on ( I am a bit dim with technology).
We then just removed his tablet and Xbox and he went into school all distraught and told the pastoral person that me and DH had stolen all his stuff and were mistreating him. Fortunately DH and I are both made of tough stuff and just laughed when school phoned us.

OP posts:
pudcat · 08/08/2016 13:05

I would go in there and remove everything. I would leave him a change of clothes, his bedclothes, and nightwear. I would leave his computer or ipad, a couple of books and any homework. He obviously has too many clothes etc. He is 11 - he needs to keep to the rules of the house. Do not let him threaten you. If he does escalate to violence then he needs help from professionals. Is he not bullied at school because he smells and has bad breath?

Lightbulbon · 08/08/2016 13:06

How is your relationship other than the room issue?

Was he the baby before you had the one year old?

Is it a defiant rebellion because he feels pushed out?

pictish · 08/08/2016 13:07

Good. I would have too.
He does sound quite the little thespian. Grin

RandomMess · 08/08/2016 13:08

I am a very very very untidy person. I lived abroad for a year when a student I had the small room, it was so tidy it was fab.

The key was not having much "stuff"

Downsize his room and stuff, then choose the rest of your battle with him wisely.

ParadiseCity · 08/08/2016 13:11

I would make a list of all the things he needs to do to tidy his room.

  1. All dirty washing in the basket
  2. Make the bed
etc etc

And sit in his room reading a book while reminding him what to do.

Then when it is clean I would do something really nice as a family treat and declare it officially A Fresh Start.

Also I would look at all his social media to find out if he has any problems he will share with friends but not you?

Original poster
Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 08/08/2016 13:13

Lightbulb

He was previously the youngest. We have a good relationship most of the time. He has lots of good points despite how it might be coming across on here.
The problems existed long before the baby arrived. I think it just gets more annoying as he gets older and should theoretically be more capable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Summerholsdoingmyheadin · 08/08/2016 13:14

Sorry for not answering everybody, it's moving a bit fast for me.

OP posts:
SpecialAgentFreyPie · 08/08/2016 13:16

Every time you discipline him, he tries to turn another adult in authority against you. Lets hope he never makes serious allegations

Sorry OP, you must be pulling your hair out!

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 08/08/2016 13:18

Sorry if I came across like he has no good points Blush Given his intelligence (and initiative, you must admit Grin) bet he can be delightful company.

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