To think that they should shut the fuck up

[KatMcGee]

I don't like DH's family.

They don't like me.

We've been together for 5 years, married for 2, we live in London whilst DH's family thankfully live way up north.

I'm not the easiest person to deal with but I'm not horrid, I keep to myself, I don't really do nature or cooking or anything that takes me away from a mobile signal

DH has a massive family and every summer they all meet up at his parents property, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins which is in the middle of nowhere.

I did this once 4 years ago and I hated every bloody second of it, they go hiking at dawn, they have family sports days, which is just grown men kicking a ball around whilst the women cheer from the sidelines , tend to kids etc

I've managed to avoid it ever since but this year DH wouldn't relent and he managed to talk me into it.

It's day 2 and I'm ready to head home. It seems that all of DH's excuses over the years weren't believed and I've been assigned the role of the evil daughter in law.

Everyone keeps giving me snide comments.

They were up at dawn for their fucking hike yesterday and I crawled out of bed to join in and not be a spoilsport and I was bombarded with snide comments

SIL: "Oh dear, if you can't keep up, you shouldn't have come along"

A random aunt: "those boots look brand new, I hope you're not throwing DH's money away" I work, I earn more than DH, I don't hike, so I had to buy boots and when I told this to random aunt, she looked at MIL and said "you were right about her"

Yesterday afternoon when all the woman were cooking in the kitchen, I was in the bedroom as I can't cook but another SIL called me down and so I went down.

"Oh why'd you bring her down" said very fucking loudly by MIL "I mean she won't be much help, girl can't even cook"

I ignored her, went on my phone as they were going on about little Barnaby (not his real name) teething and not coping well with all the noise/people.

I sat their thinking, why bring a teething toddler to this mad house but kept my mouth shut.

BIL walks through the door, joins in the Barnaby talk, looks at me and says "you'll be dealing with all this soon" I pulled a face, it was a natural reaction, lasted only for a second

MIL pipes up "Oh didn't you know, Madam over there doesn't want children, she's too busy with her career" it was said with a smile but with so much fucking venom.

I smiled and said "DH, can't stand the little brats either" then bombarded DH with texts. He walked in five minutes later and I've refused to let him leave my side.

He didn't go out to the lake with all the boys this morning and sat right next to me throughout this afternoons barbecue. This has only led to more comments, if I hear one more snide remark I'm going to tell them to shut the fuck up and then leave.

I won't survive till Friday, I'm thinking of faking ill tonight and leaving in the morning but DH refuses to play along.

Why is the OP getting such a hard time on here?

She has made an effort, buying hiking boots and getting up early so she could join in, etc. etc. Only to be met by outrageously rude comments from the family members. Seems they are determined to be unfriendly. They sound very weird.

I think you should leave, OP, and your OP should be supporting you by leaving too. How can he relax and enjoy himself when his family are being so vile to his partner? He really needs to say something to them, especially the busybody aunt.

I doubt he will be suggesting this 'holiday' again next year.

I think that you are their entertainment on this holiday and they make the sly digs so they can laugh about your reactions behind their back. They have been very unwelcoming.

i dont do anythign tht takes me from a mobile signal?

what are you doing on your mobile?

I love the Family Stone but this thread immediately made me think of Dan In Real Life - family workouts and male vs female crosswords!

I ❤️ The Family Stone, The Proposal and Dan in Real Life. 3 brill romcoms 😄

I am so thankful my family don't enter madness that is the Annual Family Holiday. DH's on the other hand... they'd have tried but I shot them down in flames.

Hope you've packed and gone home OP and next time, go with your gut feeling and stand your ground!

You sound awful! Why are you with him when you're clearly so incompatible to the lifestyle he is used to leading?

Maybe the men are cooking tonight?

Most social gatherings end in male/female segregation, whatever the best intentions of those present. Is this any different?

All the washing up/cucumber slicing comments are weird - just because I am a woman, this does not prevent me from doing the washing up/cucumber slicing either!

Maybe OP is embarrassed because all the men cleared up and washed up and made drinks for their womenfolk. Okay, maybe not, but you never know?

Hopefully OP you will have escaped by now and your next post on this thread will be you back home with DH away from all the bitchiness.

If not, if DH's wish to stay has outweighed your misery, how about: get online and find the poshest possible hotel within a 1 hour drive. Book in there for the rest of the week, both of you.

Then during that time alternate between:
(1)days that the two of you spend together - ask him to take you on short-ish easy-ish walks that don't start at the crack of dawn but give him a chance to share with you and show you some of his "home country" and you a chance to get some use out of your new boots.
(2) days where he goes back and joins the family for their days of rugged family bonding while you have a massage or other treatment and hang out by the pool in luxury getting some lovely rest days on your precious annual leave.

Though you don't sound like the person I would choose for my friend or easily enjoy the company of if you were my DS's partner I would not be so rude as to show you or tell you. You don't have to live your life the way anyone else does or wants you to. You have certainly tried to join in.

In your position I would be really angry that the disrespect DH's family shows you is really being shown to him through his choice of you as his life partner. His ineffectual comments telling them to stop being so nasty to / about you indicate that he has become used to their opinions and actions being distasteful and his opinion not mattering. I'd be questioning whether he really enjoys these events or whether he just has never been given the opportunity to believe that he can make his own decisions. He may not even know what he wants.

In the mean time you should leave because there is nothing to be gained by staying. He should do whatever he actually wants to do, not led by what you or his family might want or expect or by what he thinks is the right thing to do. I bet he can't do that.

Once you are both home, in whatever time frame that happens, I would look into counselling. Individual for each of you and jointly to work out how to be a couple in the context of his family, with them or without them.

Poor DH.

Why shouldn't he want to spend time with his family.

But that is not how it's going to be - OP has decided.

Presumably DCs are on the cards. I guess he can take them on visits without the OP. OP will be v happy to have some me time so will suit both prob.

Presumably DCs are on the cards

MissMargie, read at least the OP's posts before you do.

MissMargie - how is OP stopping her DH spending time with his family? She's happy to go home alone. His choice if he wants to leave as well

They sound like sexist horrors. Fuck the pack of them (nice SIL aside), I hope you're home now.

Also, I really disagree that most social events end up gender segregated, that's not my experience at all. When I've been at social events where it's happened though, it has been without exception amongst groups of people with "traditional" sexist viewpoints that men and women are just inherently different, and of course women should be in the kitchen while men are fishing, or women should be simpering on the sidelines while men show off their athletic ability. Mostly it doesn't happen, because mostly I spend time with people who see women as people rather than walking domestic appliances.

You sound very hard work op and a barrel of laughs, they have picked up.on that. Grin and bare it or drive home, and never again!

It does sound very sexist and not my idea of fun.

So he married a city girl.
You've managed to dodge this annual get together for the last four years (or did he go before you were married alone and you've just dodged the last two since marriage ?)

So they probably think he thinks he's too good with his city ways so they blame his citified wife, all unsuitable shoes and obsessed with her phone (you do sound like a stroppy teen unable to get off your phone). They took aim at you as the newbie to the family but you stuck the target on your back yourself with you attitude. I'm a city girl with country relatives (my farm owning bossy farmers wife aunt prided herself on her bluntness) . I tend to laugh off the differences......."I'm a city girl I can just about tell a cow from a bull....probably" but I wouldn't sit on phone in front of them but would take myself off to my room, claim I'm not used to the strong country air and need a nap after lunch etc and if told I couldn't cook smile and say "DH prefers to eat out/likes stir fry etc" but let me help with the prep. Basically short sharp bursts of togetherness but remembering that ultimately I am a guest and a certain degree of politeness is required.

You've put off going for so long they probably think you think you're too good for them and are a city snob ....maybe you are but for 4 days out of roughly 1300 days surely you can put up with it for your spouse. My MIL is a very very opinionated lady and lives just beyond walking distance from us . OH tends to go see her when I'm working and I then get it in the ear because I don't go round despite him telling her it's down to him. She's moving to just around the corner next week and I'll probably pop round without him and do stuff for her but soon as she starts bitching I'll be off. I make allowances because he loves her but I won't be a doormat . You do need to draw a line somewhere but there's compromises to be made. You seem to have given them the impression you think you are too good for them (they probably think he has rejected their way of life by going and making his life in "that London" too so some of this probably predates you anyway but you are collateral damage)
Stop playing up to some Carrie stereotype that city girls all can't cook, wear unsuitable shoes and need surgically detaching from their phones and remember these are the people who raised your OH and made him the man he is so they must have some good points ...even if you have to dig a bit to see them.

This sounds a bit like my ILs.

MIL decided she hated me from the off. Thereafter, I could do no right. She would bitch about me to her sister, who would then put the criticism of me to my face.

For example "oh it's such a pity MIL rarely gets to see DD". (Umm, she could come and visit us more, what with her being retired, and all, rather than expecting us to bundle up a toddler in the car for a 3 hour - assuming no traffic - drive every few weeks, on our hard earned weekends.)

I admit, I did sometimes snap, as you have done. But I always felt best about my comebacks when they were wide eyed, innocent statements from my point of view.

So, with the boots comment the random aunt made, "oh, what do you mean? What am I like?" (Slightly worried, with big eyes.)

It gets the point across, and you come off looking much better.

Anyway, I assume you're home, or on your way, and I don't blame you! Have a lovely rest of the week.

You sound v rude op . you look at your phone as you don't know who they're talking about so can't join the conversation. Really? How do you cope in the world of work, meeting new people etc? Sitting looking at your phone in the circumstance you describe is beyond rude. I wouldn't put up with it from a child tbh. Surely you can ask open questions etc etc and join conversation that way. Like most people do. Would you be happy if your dh behaved like that with your family?

Yes they sound rude too, but i have to say you sound worse. Your comment about children was nasty.

And not helping preparing, cooking etc? Again just rude. No excuse for that.

Trafalgergal

Spot on

sound awful! Why are you with him when you're clearly so incompatible to the lifestyle he is used to leading?

Yes OP must leave her happy marriage because his family likes hiking and she doesn't

Yes they sound rude too, but i have to say you sound worse. Your comment about children was nasty

Annnnd my theory is confirmed.

OP, hope you're at home relaxing on your phone after giving DH a seriously bollocking!

I'm home!!!!! And it's the greatest feeling in the world, DH came with me, although I kept telling him to stay, he kept trying to cheer me up on the train and I'm feeling a lot better then I was last night.

This isn't the first time in 4 years that I've seen them, it's the first time in 4 years that I've agreed to go to this sports family week which happens every year. DH goes down to see them often & MIL/FIL spent Christmas with us, it's just easier to deal with them when they're not in a big group & we're not constantly doing things I hate. DH isn't even into sports/fishing etc only does it because it's a family thing.

I didn't fake ill, we played board games last night and told them we we're leaving. They were much much nicer, not one rude comment and then we caught a very early train home

I am going to have a bath & then just relax and enjoy my holiday. I've got SIL2's details though, they want to visit us in October so it wasn't a complete horror fest.

You're either trying to write a citygirl chic lit (cit lit?) or you're trying to play up to a worn stereotype . Just leave, you'd be happier without them and they'd be happier without you.

What hope do women have in this world when idiots like Canadamoose tell the op to go chop a cucumber whilst the menfolk are relaxing. Seriously? I really, really hope you don't have daughters. I fucking hate pathetic women that put up with the shit of little women in the kitchen pandering to the men, who couldn't possibly be asked to lift a finger!