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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To turn your attention to this article **Trigger warning: Child abuse. Title edited by MNHQ**

503 replies

NedStarksHead · 03/08/2016 11:55

After a long and stressful debate/argument on FB, I'd like to turn your attention to these articles....

If you're one of the people who say "murder them all, they're all scum, they should be shot" then just read these and re-think.

Use different wording. A child molester is so different to a pedophile.

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/21/imaapedophilebuttnotaa_monster/

http://www.virped.org

OP posts:
Amelie10 · 04/08/2016 08:31

I just thought as a parent myself there's room for understanding.

So as a parent, you would with open arms welcome him into your home or have him associate with your children if the occasion arises. Oh please.

scarednoob · 04/08/2016 08:34

Well I think you're definitely one of the front runners!

These people have sexual thoughts about children. CHILDREN.

Do you also empathise with wannabe murderers? Poor misunderstood souls, they can't help it if the way they get aroused is to think about violently assaulting and battering someone and then killing them. Or those people who would love to rape someone, but just manage to restrain themselves?

AlbertHerbertHawkins · 04/08/2016 08:35

Amelie, understanding = welcoming someone into your home with open arms!
Who knew!

Ellieboolou27 · 04/08/2016 08:37

Disgusted at this post, people like you have the potential to put others at risk with your "open mind" thinking. In fact what were you thinking putting this on a parenting website? To ensure parents keep an open mind to the feelings of potential child molesters and consider showing empathy for them! I do hope your not a judge!

Amithatmum · 04/08/2016 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 04/08/2016 08:38

the better we understand why some adults are sexually attracted to children the more children we can protect

It's complex and there isn't one answer but by telling people they are monsters/evil for thoughts they have but do not act on, won't act on but feel deeply ashamed and fear getting help, helps no one

Yes I can empathise with the people that have had such a dysfunctional childhood where violence and abuse was the norm that they to feel in control desire to control as they were their anger and shame inflicted on others (and of course I know it's no excuse and not all people feel this way but some people are left extremely damaged)

To see it more simply as a sexual orientation I don't agree with as I don't think it is but it's certainly a mental illness that needs more understanding and we need to be able to make sure that those that want help are able to get it

Amelie10 · 04/08/2016 08:39

Albert so the op understands, then what? What's the point of her empathy?

minifingerz · 04/08/2016 08:39

"You should never of started this thread on a parenting website"

Because no parent/grandparent/brother/son/daughter/grandchild/neice/nephew will ever be a paedophile, and therefore we never have to consider their experience or emotions, and certainly we don't have to discuss it.

Sorry but no. There will be mumsnetters who have intrusive thoughts about wanting to molest children. There will be mumsnetters whose sons and daughters will experience wanting to molest children. Like it or not, these people live amongst us and we need to find ways as a society of helping these people avoid offending. This can't be done without acknowledgement and discussion.

Original poster
NedStarksHead · 04/08/2016 08:39

Wow, I never knew that trying to understand something automatically meant I had to include it in my life.

Thanks for the pro tip.

OP posts:
witsender · 04/08/2016 08:40

All the op is saying is that merely having thoughts isn't illegal. And that surely it is a good idea that someone having these thoughts, who knows there are wrong should be able to seek help so that they never act on them? They should be able to come forward, having not committed any crime and receive help that may lessen the chances of committing said crime.

Driving it underground is more likely to lead to a crime being committed surely?

How is any of this controversial?

CarrotAndCucumber · 04/08/2016 08:40

There have been threads on here before that have touched on it, and had a less one-sided reaction actually. That article is very whiney though and annoyed me rather than making me feel sympathetic.

I suppose these people have to know they can never have a relationship with a child. Whether they need counselling to do this or do something else like become a monk (where any idea of relationships is not an option) I don't know. It does seem short-sighted to deny help if somebody asks for it though.

Of course I have more sympathy for anybody who is abused. But somebody who asks for help should be listened to surely? If only to prevent them going on to abuse. The ones who are determined to abuse won't care or ask for help in the first place.

minifingerz · 04/08/2016 08:42

"This means that paedophiles feel unable to ask for help and are therefore more likely to offend."

^^ this

Original poster
NedStarksHead · 04/08/2016 08:43

I don't know why people keep saying "why on earth would you post this on a parenting website".

Speak for yourself, but being a parent doesn't automatically stop me wanting to have frank discussions about things that affect so many people.

It's quite offensive to suggest otherwise.

OP posts:
acasualobserver · 04/08/2016 08:44

Understanding the phenomenon of paedophillia is not the same as having understanding, empathy or sympathy for paedophiles.

ABloodyDifficultWoman · 04/08/2016 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

user87654321 · 04/08/2016 08:44

nedstark. I have read most of the article. The man (as a child) had an horrendous time, for which, I did feel slightly sorry for him. I think I need to read the whole article & come back to you.

I agree with a pp who said it was a preference, but a preference perhaps shaped from childhood (trauma?)

But as I mentioned before, is it a mental illness or is it a fetish/perversion?

minifingerz · 04/08/2016 08:45

"Disgusted at this post, people like you have the potential to put others at risk"

Go on then - explain the mechanism.

We have never expressed more hatred and condemnation of paedophilia than we do now as a culture.

Is all that hatred and condemnation reducing offending?

Original poster
NedStarksHead · 04/08/2016 08:47

I was wondering how long it would take for someone to wade in with the "I'll show them help!" Bullshit.

Go on then ABloodyDifficultWoman, tell us all what you'd do a pedophile? Kill him? Torture him? Land yourself in jail so that your kids grow up without a parent? ODFOD.

OP posts:
minifingerz · 04/08/2016 08:47

"Bollocks to this 'hug-a-nonce' thinking"

Nobody is talking about sympathising with those who abuse children.

You didn't read the article clearly. The writer hadn't abused anyone.

Put your pitchfork away.

catinthecradle · 04/08/2016 08:48

Understanding the phenomenon of paedophillia is not the same as having understanding, empathy or sympathy for paedophiles.

that.

exactly.

Original poster
NedStarksHead · 04/08/2016 08:50

User, the optimist in me would like to think it's an orientation, something you're born with. Most pedophiles admit to realising they had thoughts of pedophilia at age 12/13 when most other people were realising their interest in either women or men or both.

I would hope that being attracted to children isn't something you choose to do, I don't know why anyone would choose that.

OP posts:
scarednoob · 04/08/2016 08:52

ok, so you empathise with him, or her, and their struggle.

then one day they snap, and do horrific things to a child.

what happens to your empathy?

LittleOyster · 04/08/2016 08:55

Is it a mental illness though or is it a fetish?

This is what I am confused about. If they really do have no control over thoughts which are distressing and intrusive, then I am sympathetic - assuming they do not offend either in RL or online.

But that's not how sexual desire works, is it? I believe we do have a certain degree of control over how our sexuality develops - it might not be possible to avoid visceral impulses, but we can choose which fantasies to dwell on, etc. Do paedophiles not become what they are because they have chosen to direct their attention to sickening ideas?

Giving non-offending paedophiles therapy sounds like a good idea, but I'd be worried that dissipating the taboo that surrounds paedophilia would be somehow permissive, and make it more likely that children would be harmed.

Sorry, bit of a confused ramble. I find it scary that we understand so little about these people and what makes them like they are, and yet they pose such a risk to our children.

Original poster
NedStarksHead · 04/08/2016 08:56

Scarednoob, it disappears because they chose to do the wrong thing?

OP posts:
CaptainCrunch · 04/08/2016 08:57

You're posts are incredibly aggressive op. I actually believe most child sex abuse is cyclical, it rarely happens in isolation. My brother used to work with sex offenders in prison and after many years concluded paedophiles could not be rehabilitated and the best thing for society was to ensure they were kept well away from it.