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AIBU?

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Original poster

To turn your attention to this article **Trigger warning: Child abuse. Title edited by MNHQ**

503 replies

NedStarksHead · 03/08/2016 11:55

After a long and stressful debate/argument on FB, I'd like to turn your attention to these articles....

If you're one of the people who say "murder them all, they're all scum, they should be shot" then just read these and re-think.

Use different wording. A child molester is so different to a pedophile.

http://www.salon.com/2015/09/21/imaapedophilebuttnotaa_monster/

http://www.virped.org

OP posts:
Original poster
NedStarksHead · 04/08/2016 08:06

The point of my thread was to try and make people understand that branding all pedophiles as child molesters is wrong and ignorant.

There will always be a stigma attached to pedophilia and there always should be.

What I'm saying is, (most) pedophiles don't choose to feel this way - its something they're born with.

They are, however, adults. They DO know right from wrong and I am not in any way shape or form justifying or defending the actions of the ones who act on it and abuse children - that is wrong, and they should be punished.

But I think there should be more access to help for the ones who know its wrong, and who are disgusted at themselves for having these thoughts and feelings.

If less of them weren't so scared to come forward we might have a chance at helping them early and saving one child's life from being destroyed.

OP posts:
catinthecradle · 04/08/2016 08:07

In an ideal world, we would have enough resources to ensure no child is vulnerable, deprived and abused, and we would never ever again read a story about baby P.
In that world, there might be place for more compassion and possibly help for pedophiles.

In the meantime, I honestly don't think we are dealing with the problem the right way. Our priority should be to protect the kids. Not only we are not doing that, but some people are now trying to empathise. Wow. we are going backwards.

Picture your kid lost after the tsunami, or lost in a refugee camp. Who do you want to protect?

Grassgreendashhabi · 04/08/2016 08:07

What the OP wants is everyone to say

Oh they can't help it it's a mental state

If they act they are predator

If they seek help then they are poorly and need help

That's fine but stop justifying the act. They can help it they can seek therapy etc

Original poster
NedStarksHead · 04/08/2016 08:08

I don't know how many times I'll have to reiterate this over and over and over (I'm clearly the idiot here for thinking I'd find people with more capacity for understanding than on FB) I do not empathise with child molesters, I do not think they are right, it is wrong and they should be punished I will never empathise with someone who chooses to do this to a child.

I will, however, empathise with the ones who know their thoughts are wrong and are seeking help for it.

I don't know how to dumb it down any more...

OP posts:
Original poster
NedStarksHead · 04/08/2016 08:10

Grassgreen, you're stressing me out.

When in this entire thread have I justified the "act"? By act I assume you mean child abuse?

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 04/08/2016 08:10

Tbh ned'I'm surprised you posted this on a parenting website and even more surprised you thought it would go a different way.

user87654321 · 04/08/2016 08:11

Is it a mental illness though or is it a fetish?

Original poster
NedStarksHead · 04/08/2016 08:11

Because I've seen a lot of intelligent people on here & I didn't think people would skim over what I've written and assumed I've said an entirely different thing..

OP posts:
catinthecradle · 04/08/2016 08:13

I (kind of) understand your empathy.

I just don't agree with it. If you believe that you can't control your thoughts, then you should believe that someone is a permanent danger for vulnerable children. (and aren't they all).

I just don't agree that a support group is the answer, or counselling or soft methods. Might as well advise them to use scented candles.
I don't agree with that, at all.

I especially don't agree with feeling sorry for the author or that garbage article.

GrimmauldPlace · 04/08/2016 08:13

But them not acting on it is all they need to do. Am I supposed to empathise with people who really really want to rape someone but choose not to? Should I feel sorry for them because they don't get to fulfill their fantasies?

NeedACleverNN · 04/08/2016 08:15

Is it a mental illness though or is it a fetish?

Good point.

Rinoachicken · 04/08/2016 08:15

Except you can't 'cure' peadophilia so what help are they hoping for?

What happens when they 'fall off the waggon' (abuse is what happens if you were wondering).

Sorry but I can find no empathy.

Grassgreendashhabi · 04/08/2016 08:17

Ned - I'm sorry to be stressing you out , I truly am

Your thread has touched a nerve

My best friend was molested for years by her dad and at the age of 15 she hung herself .

I have no sympathy for paedophile or molesters,

If they don't act and get help then fine

But some do. And it's deverstating for the victims and family.

You should never of started this thread on a parenting website

PollyPerky · 04/08/2016 08:19

I can just about see what you are saying OP but this is the wrong place to start this debate.

If you look at the parenting and history of almost all criminals and abusers, they tend to have experienced poor parenting and often abuse, at the hands of their family or in care homes.

When I see paedophiles on the news or in court yes, I feel remorse for their victims, but as a mum of a son, I also think the person in the dock is someone's son. I wonder what the heck went wrong in their lives to make them become a paedophile. Are they born like that or are they made like that?

LaContessaDiPlump · 04/08/2016 08:19

Nobody can help thinking what they think but they can and must avoid acting on those thoughts.

LaContessaDiPlump · 04/08/2016 08:20

I never realised that becoming a parent would limit the conversations I was allowed to have btw. Good to know.

user87654321 · 04/08/2016 08:22

OP, while I can see the point you are trying to convey, what good will therapy do?

Presumably, (as stated), they know right from wrong, so how will therapy help? I'm not sure CBT would help as there may be no clear-cut reason for the (intrusive?) thoughts, so there would be no point to start from, if you see what I mean?

I am not sure you will have a lot of sympathy here as, obviously, it is a parenting site & a lot of us (including me) have suffered from sexual abuse as a child.

And the fact remains that a paedophile is just one step away from being a child-molestor.

Original poster
NedStarksHead · 04/08/2016 08:24

I just thought as a parent myself there's room for understanding.

I'll never be able to justify those who do ruin children's life and I'd never want to justify their actions.

I know I've said it over and over but my empathy lies with the ones who know what they're feeling is wrong, and want to seek help for it.

Sorry to have touched a nerve.

If MNHQ want to delete the thread that's fine.

OP posts:
scarednoob · 04/08/2016 08:24

Are you trying to win some sort of award for being the most liberal leftie??

Queenbean · 04/08/2016 08:25

.

Original poster
NedStarksHead · 04/08/2016 08:26

Actually, yes, scarednoob, I am.

I started this thread with the very forethought being "I hope I get nominated for the most liberal leftie award! How exciting! Maybe I'll ACTUALLY win it this year!!!!"

Hmm
OP posts:
acasualobserver · 04/08/2016 08:28

I think the word empathy is entirely unhelpful in this context. However, I agree we need to understand - as well as condemn - this phenomenon of paedophillia if we are to reduce offending against children. In that sense, I do want to read articles like the one the OP linked to.

CheesyMcTudd · 04/08/2016 08:28

Never am I clicking an article with out ready the post properly first, lesson well learned there..thanks OP Hmm

KitKats28 · 04/08/2016 08:28

It isn't a fucking "sexual orientation", it's a sexual preference.

Sexual orientation is gay--->straight and the spectrum between. It is whether you like to have sexual relations with people the same sex as you, the opposite sex to you, both or neither. This is innate.

Sexual preference is what you would actually prefer to have sex with. It doesn't mean you have to act on it. If you know that something is wrong then don't fucking do it. Paedophilia is wrong. Bestiality is wrong. Shagging your car or your food mixer is fucking weird.

catinthecradle · 04/08/2016 08:30

How the hell can you "understand" someone who is thinking about torturing children exactly? If you are a parent, then you have held your baby in your arms. You have seen their size, how fragile they are.
How are we suppose to have any compassion for someone who could hurt them that way? I could gather some sympathy for someone shaking a baby, but that?!?

I can't find empathy for someone who is dreaming of torturing and abusing human beings, let alone children.

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