Friendships

[user1466795981]

What I've learned through reading mumsnet threads is how many grown women have problems with friendships - me included - it's a minefield. I'm drawn to these threads not least because several people have similar problems to me and I find the advice and comments regarding ways of coping really valuable. I have also found that ending a friendship is MUCH harder than ending a romantic relationship!

Sorry I totally meant to post this in Chat - mistake on my part - but - oh whatever ! - not a mortal sin!!

I completely agree. Im 37 and as I've got older I find I haven't really got a friend to my name. Partly my choice. I think theres so many mind games and insecurities with people you never know where you're at with alot of folk. I agree, friendships are way more complicated!.

I know, MummyB, I think you're spot on re: mind games etc. - although I've still got a lot of faith in human nature through a lot of good experiences, I find myself sick of these 'girly' friendships a lot of the time- my heart sinks sometimes when I've only met someone casually and a woman asks to swap phone numbers! Sorry for using the word 'girly' but my most damaging friendships have been with females to it's just a turn of phrase!

I know exactly what you mean by 'girly'. I think women are so clique and theres plenty around who gain their own self esteem boosts by trying to suck it out of others. Im thoroughly fed up with trying anymore which is a shame but im damned if im going to let people bring me down anymore.

I agree MummyB - I think it's much better to be safe than sorry in these type of scenarios and I can think of countless situations where I've just let my guard down too much!

Yep, me too. Things don't seem to have changed since the bitchy schoolgirl circles, grown women just seem to be better at hiding it but are equally as two faced still (not all women may I add!). I don't think social media has done friendships any favours either, hence why im not on Facebook.

I also agree, I am in my mid 20's and would say I have maybe 2 friends- if that. I can't be bothered with the drama of it all. Seems like so much more hassle than it's worth

MummyB - I also came off facebook last year - best thing I've ever done and should've come off it years ago!!!

ChubbyMummy - I totally agree with you regarding it being more hassle than it's worth and personally - I think 2 friends is plenty!

Have to say I disagree - I am in my 50s and find it incredibly easy to make friends, but I get involved in things - local activities, committees, local politics etc etc so I am always meeting like minded people. We move around a lot (for work) so I am well used to being confident and outgoing.

I could be in my genes as well as my DH (80+) also has loads of friends, in fact she has an expression that she says to me (NOT to anyone else) - 'I haven't got time for any more friends .......... they will have to join the waiting list '.

I have often pondered this issue over my 15 years on Mumsnet as clearly many people do find it hard to make friends; I never worry about making a 'best' friends - I still have my two 'best' friends from primary school even though we don't live near each other anymore .. but I do find some people can be over-bearing and 'needy' about wanting to be friends.

Also, for what it's worth, I have never used Facebook or any other social media.

I'd be happy if I could make one solid friend with a genuine person with no hidden agenda or ulterior motives. We moved to a different county three years ago and I can't seem to find someone who isn't flaky or wants to drain the self esteem out of me just to boost their own.

i don't have friends, too much hassle, mind games etc ime but am friendly and will always help someone out, i like to think i'm a nice person

mrsfuzzy - me too. I will speak to anyone, think of myself as a sociable person and a kind person too.

mummy let's be friends !

Ragwort - yes I think you're wise to have not been on any social media. It's the false intimacy etc I can't stand!!

MummyB - yes I think 1 good, solid friend is all one needs to be honest...it's not like we are 12 year olds (which is what I said to one, older person who was trying to give me advice) - when you become adults, - having a group of girly friends is not necessarily people's priorities any more!!

Also, does anyone else feel with these 'friendships' that some people behave badly themselves - being intrusive etc but take offence VERY quickly if e.g. you dare to back away from the friendship?

I'm baffled by this - I'm 52 and have a fabulous set of friends some of whom I've known since I was at school 40 years ago but many are mire recent. They've been a lifeline to me over the years - we've laughed and cried together, shared in each other's fortunes and misfortunes .... and we're all friends on FB too.

This makes me so sad. I have 5 good frienfs from high school who i've known since i was 11. We are all at different stages of our life abd live across the country and see esch other to variable amounts but they're like family. We all went away for our 30th, all there for weddings and babies (we just had a new one!!) I have a group of 3 from Uni who live even further away but who drove a few hrs to visit DS and I in hospital recently.
I have other friends who i've made along the way who are funny and sweet and lovely and loyal.

I feel like i'm hogging all the awesome women!! There are def lots of genuine people out there who give as much as they take from a friendship

"I have also found that ending a friendship is MUCH harder than ending a romantic relationship!"

Yy, but romantic relationships are easier generally I think. It's much more upfront, each stage is discussed - 'Do you want to come out for a drink?', 'are we exclusive?', 'Shall we buy a house together?' etc. We don't do that with friendship 'I feel we've become much closer recently, shall we elevate from acquaintance level to 3am phone in tears level?'

I once heard someone say "men have friendships with each other; women have love affairs with each other".

It does make sense and helped me reframe several friendships. The minute I feel a friendship getting too needy or too fraught I repeat it to myself and try to react like a bloke would. Saves you getting sucked into the emotional maelstrom.

I have many many people with whom I'm friendly, but only a few real friends - people that I'd actually trust with emotional details etc.

I find it really easy to be outgoing and friendly and to have people to meet and things to do. I find that as I get older there are less people that I would confide in and trust.

Luckily, I have a DH that I can have the close relationships with (we did almost split up years ago, now I would say he's my best friend and goto person) and doing things with DH and DD are my favorite use of free time.

I dont seem to be able to maintain friendships. I have colleagues and people who i know, but no real friends as such. I thought i had one friend, but it turns out she wasnt as keen as i was so i've knocked that on the head a bit. I was doing all the running around and getting nothing in return. I think its simpler to have a small circle of people in my life anyway.

But yes - I find quite a few people want to suck you in to emotional rollercoasters, but then aren't there for you in return. So I've decided that people need to earn that level of closeness, and don't over-share myself. Once I've known someone a while I'm happy to get closer, but I like to spend some time getting to know them.

I guess it's like someone who's suffered from OLD who then won't go on dates/sleep with a guy until a certain amount of weeks/months into a relationship.