Friendships

[user1466795981]

What I've learned through reading mumsnet threads is how many grown women have problems with friendships - me included - it's a minefield. I'm drawn to these threads not least because several people have similar problems to me and I find the advice and comments regarding ways of coping really valuable. I have also found that ending a friendship is MUCH harder than ending a romantic relationship!

I think people value friendships differently. About 18 months ago I was chatting to a very close friend of mine saying how great it was that a group of 10 of us had been friends for so long without any minor or major fallings out.

I said I wonder how it will be in 10 years time, when our priorities change again.

My friend replied "oh, I seriously doubt we'll all be friends then". Like he couldn't even consider it. I fully expect us to not hang out as much if/when kids arrive, but I can't believe someone I care about so much has already put a mental expiration date on the friendship.

Funnily enough over the past few months he's been awful at meeting up, from just replying 'no' to a joint birthday drink to not replying at all. I guess he's checking out...

Agree that this is so sad. I know a lot of fantastic women! Some men too, but I have a lot fewer male friends. I feel very lucky for my friends. I agree that an intimate and very close friendship is impossible to maintain with lots of people, but that doesn't mean that other friendships aren't valuable too. I haven't really encountered wholesale meanness from people. I'm only friends with people I like.

I usually find it easy to be friendly but I should go with my gut instinct more often. Most recently a woman much older than me was bullying me. I thought it was a personality clash but I realise now, she wanted to make our friendship group cliquey by getting rid of some of us. Turns out now most of us had the same gut feeling about her. She's the one who is using social media to play the victim while we have all moved on.

Some people never leave the playground and are able to play mind games and pray on vulnerable people.

Sonders - I'm sorry to hear that about your friend's response - I think I'd feel very disappointed in your situation..it is difficult when 2 different people have different 'takes' on a friendship...

I struggled as I always hung around with the boys and then male work colleagues but once they got into long term relationships at about my thirties these became very difficult to maintain. I have one very close friend but still find it difficult in female groups.

Groovee I agree that you must follow your gut instinct. Sorry that happened to you, it's horrible to be bullied by someone within your friendship group.

KickAssAngel - I wish I'd taken a leaf out of your book - problem with me is oversharing before I've really got to know people - in one or two situations with very bad consequences.

I don't think anyone else in the group feels the same, it's 7 men and 3 women and literally everyone else is really active in our chats and when we meet.

The guy in question is/will be best man at all the weddings too and I don't understand how he doesn't think it's a big deal.

I agree that people can be too intrusive and demand far too much from you, including your time and when you back off slightly they take it the wrong way and drop you like a hot potato. I find people want to almost act like your partner not a friend.

I find some posters' takes on friendship really surprising. My friendships are so important to me. I am by nature quite shy and introverted so it takes a lot to get out there. I sometimes feel that friendships can take a lot of effort to maintain but it is so worth it for me. I have lots of different kinds of friends- some lifelong friends who know me inside out, some who I've only known a couple of years or so and I'm only just getting to know, others who I share a common interest, or others where the friendship isn't too deep (and we both know it) but we can have a few drinks and a bit of a laugh. Differnt friends can give you different things in life, and as I've got older I've been upset far less by friendships as I've become more accepting of people's differing personality traits. Friendships have become less intense but still very important to me.

MummyB - yes and I think that, well in my experience anyway, some people use you as a crutch so they don't feel alone in a wider group situation and get miffed when you back off as you suspect you might be being used...

Tbh, I'm wondering if a few posters on hear have missed the point a bit. When you say that you find it "surprising" that some people struggle with friendships and that you really value your own friendships it suggests that the OP and others with similar difficulties have chosen to take this position in life.
There are a multitude of reasons why you might find friendships with other women tricky and they can be deeply rooted in early life e.g. parenting/ female role models, experiences at school etc etc. OP - I truly sympathise as someone who does have friends but struggles to really connect with women even now in middle age.
I'm currently having therapy to explore all of this but the one thing I know is it's neither my choice or fault to have had these struggles. I guess I have an element of attachment disorder due to stuff with my own Mum and the important thing is that I'm slowly making improvements in this area of life. It's a tough double-whammy having difficulties as a kid and then friendship issues as an adult but I don't think it's uncommon or surprising. The important thing is to find a groove where you feel comfortable. Hugs for OP x

Sorry - on here not hear :) :)

But acuqueen, there's a difference between saying that one has difficulty connecting with others and saying that most others are bitchy/cliquey/mind-game-playing etc. It would be surprising if the latter were true.

I get that Idaho and I don't think some of the comments around female friendships are true either... they stem from a lot of frustration and disappointment I guess?
It's really soul destroying to feel that you're not able to make close friendships with others and I guess the pain shows in these posts. You're right that claiming all friendships are toxic/flaky/negative isn't helpful though. Personally, I believe it's important to remain hopeful and proactive... but it's hard too

I'm with bluebolt on this one. I had all male friends and then all of a sudden, they wouldn't be friends with me anymore. I always found boys easier to get along with, possibly due to my ASD. I had a dreadful time at high school because of girls, so avoided them. Now, I suppose I'm not sure how female friendships should go. I managed to make some over the years, but always feel like I value that person far more than they value me. Got some nice acquaintances though.

It's refreshing to hear that quite a few people on this thread have good, fulfilling friendships from an early age. To provide a balanced and more objective view, I'm not anti friends (male or female) altogether. I blame myself in a few instances for missing opportunities for friendships with balanced, emotionally mature, decent women. Looking back the reasons I didn't maintain these friendships were everything to do with me and not their fault at all - I had issues going on or one thing and another at the time and sadly, \I did not make the most of these friendship opportunities.
That said, there are also instances where I gave too much of myself in absolutely terrible 'friendships' and bitterly regret that as well.

Thanks for your good wishes AcuQueen and I must say AcuQueen that you've nailed it with regard to the analysis of my particular situation. Though a lot of look back/analysing on my part - my mum called me 'selfish' for not going along with other people in situations iyswim, so I suppose I, desperate to escape this label, became a people pleaser and learned mistakenly that 'friendship'/social situations was about obligation and not a genuine connection/active desire to be friends with a person. I sometimes think if I'd have had more emotional support growing up I'd have probably made 'better' relationships generally.

In my 50s now and the secret for me has been not caring any more. When the dc were young l was always worrying about friends, being left out and stuff. Then bit by bit l began not to care and surprise surprise l have friends everywhere. Some really good friends for years that lm totally secure with now but years ago used to overthink stuff with. I've also taken up new activities not remotely expecting to make new friends but it has happened. So letting go has been the secret for me., genuinely not caring and very rarely give a thought to a conversation afterwards in terms of feeling bad over something ld said. The joys of being in your 50s. Its great.

junebirthdaygirl - I've had much the same experience - by far the best friendships I've made in the past was when I wasn't trying at all....

I really have no close friends...I had a best friend at school...at work later, worked mainly with men....and when there were a few women, as we weren't in the same job position it was difficult..at a playgroup, with my youngest, I thought I'd made great friends, we were out almost every morning, at groups or outings...but it turns out that people split off, and then I was the one not invited along...such is life...best to be as friendly as possible, and not expect too much.. I have no close friends as I mentioned, I just try to treat others as I like to be treated myself, so keep smiling :-) I had thought not working full time it would be easier, but apparently not..