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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to insist we pay less?

142 replies

PinkyofPie · 01/08/2016 16:36

Went for a meal last night with a few ILs and another family (the parents and aunties/uncles of the partner of an IL) - about 20 of us in total.

We went to an Italian chain restaurant. I am pregnant so not drinking and DH in his support is abstaining from drinking too (his choice before I get flamed!). We had 3yo DD with us.

We had a pizza each (£9 each) and DD shared mine as we both have quite small appetite, and all 3 of us shared a bottle of large mineral water which was £3. DH and I shared a dessert which was a fiver.

The rest of the table all had a 2-3 courses each and every single person had lots of wine, ordered in bottles

Now I am usually happy to split the bill and think nothing of it, when people have similar food and drink. If I had to pay £5 more than I would individually it doesn't bother me at all, I don't like to make a fuss.

However when the bill came someone in the 'other' family took it and got his calculator out....£33 each! "Oh actually it's probably not fair that Pinky and PinkyHusband pays that for MiniPinky. Just pop a tenner in for her or something and I'll recalculate"

I would rarely spend that much on a meal out. We are saving for the baby and also have had lots of unexpected bills lately - car repairs, things going wrong in the house, broken washing machine etc. We budgeted for the meal but thought more around £35-£40 for the 3 of us.

Anyway, as DH went to put £76 on his card as we didn't have enough in cash, I said "sorry it's just that we didn't have alcohol and shared most of our food, is everyone happy I we just stick £40 in?". Which was £14 more than what we actually ate and drank.

There were some pissed off faces but they said "oh I suppose so". Everyone else had to pay £3 more each

DH thinks for the sake of an extra "few quid" we should have just maybe left it, but I think I was in the right and they were being cheeky fuckers.

WIBU and tight or would you have done the same?

OP posts:

RichardBucket · 02/08/2016 17:52

There are plenty of people who would eat and drink more than normal than if they had to pay for each item and expect the splitting of the bill to cushion that cost.

In which case they'll get a nasty shock at the end of the meal because of THEIR actions, not the people who want to pay what they actually consumed.

theSnuffster · 02/08/2016 17:56

I hate when people want to split the bill! Luckily most of my family/ friends feel the same.

I remember going out with a group of other mums, most of which I didn't know very well. I had just a main course and a soft drink and took enough money for that plus a tip. Others had 3 courses and several alcoholic drinks then coffees- then split the bill! I gave them all the money I had and that was all I could do but they wanted me to pay over double what my meal actually cost! It was so embarrassing having the tell the whole table that I'd given them every penny I had in my purse!

BerylStreep · 02/08/2016 18:05

I think what you did was fine. What you ordered was £26, so £40 is still a lot more. Had you said 'ours was £26 and that's all I'm paying' I might have been a little , but entirely your prerogative.

It wasn't very sensitive of the other family to assume everyone was happy to share the bill equally.

alltouchedout · 02/08/2016 18:10

I really don't understand how anyone could consider you unreasonable not to want to pay for other people to drink. Some pps have said it's just the done thing to split bills equally when out in a group- it has never been the norm in any group setting I've been out in. Tbh the norm for most groups has been for people to pay for what they had and add a little extra for a tip.

Craigie · 02/08/2016 18:12

If you don't drink, you shouldn't subsidise other people's boozing.

BerylStreep · 02/08/2016 18:26

I know someone who rarely drinks and always leaves a bit early. She says 'here's £xx which should cover what I had plus a tip - let me know after if I need to put in more.' No-one has ever batted an eyelid, but I've noticed she has done it quite a few times. I think what she does is a really good way of assertively stating what you're prepared to pay and avoiding all the bill-splitting discussions.

Hockeydude · 02/08/2016 18:38

in those circumstances I would have asked for your family to be issued with a separate bill before the bill arrived. Also when they started saying a tenner for your 3yo, you should have clearly said that she had nothing at all, just shared your food.

There are people, lots of them, who split bills ridiculously unfairly as you encountered. However spare a thought for those who were asked for an extra £3 having already overpaid, presumably subsidising the big drinkers.

we go out with a family who order ridiculous amounts of food/drink every single time (and don't even finish it!). I am very careful to add up everything my family have, add a tip of 15% and hand that amount in cash to the other family before the bill comes. I make sure the cash I have is a mixture of coins/fivers/tenners to make sure I don't get screwed. Has happened so many times.

EvansOvalPies · 02/08/2016 18:42

Oh, I agree with you completely, OP. DP's Sister and Brother do this to us all the time (or should I say - USED to do this to us). As just one example, we all went out for a meal. SIL's party consisted of 7 people, BIL's party consisted of 5 people This includes their adult (note the 'adult' there , so perfectly able to pay for themselves - mid-20s) DC and partners. DP and I were a party of two and PiLs, also a party of two. So four families - 7,5,2,2. Bill came to £440 - SiL works out that's £110 per family, so PILs and we, as parties of two, pay the same as the parties of seven and five, therefore paying for a very large portion of their bill. I don't say anything at the time (although I am champing at the bit, really want to kick off, but DP says Don't upset people). We mention it afterwards and are told "Well, it's your fault if your DC don't come". And it has happened time after time after time. I have since raised the issue, and SiL and BiL don't speak to me any longer

If we're all fairly even-numbered parties, fair enough to just split the bill and I'm perfectly happy with that, but being taken for a complete mug? I don't think so.

You're definitely NBU, Pinky

EvansOvalPies · 02/08/2016 18:45

We had some friends once who, several years ago, also asked for a packet of cigarettes to be added to the next tray of drinks (DP and I don't smoke) so I was rather pissed off with that too.

ayeokthen · 02/08/2016 18:48

Why is it always the people who take the piss (eating/drinking the most expensive and largest amounts) that want to split the bill this way? Pay for what you ate/drank. Simple.

PersianCatLady · 02/08/2016 18:54

She says 'here's £xx which should cover what I had plus a tip - let me know after if I need to put in more
Actually that's not a bad idea.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 02/08/2016 19:09

You did the right thing IMO. DH and I always feel awkward when out for meals with friends as we don't drink. The other night we were out for a curry with friends, we had 2 soft drinks each, most others had 4 alcoholic drinks, we didn't have expensive dishes, whereas others had fancy seafood etc. We paid almost double the cost of our meal, which, added to the cost of a babysitter made for a very expensive night out (at least for our entertainment budget!)

Other friends have in the past insisted we pay less when the bill comes as they are aware our share will come to a fair bit less. I don't mind a few pounds discrepancy but when you're on a budget and it's an extra £10/20 it really makes a difference!

MaybeDoctor · 02/08/2016 19:15

I think the moment to ask for a separate bill is during the 'who is drinking what & shall we order bottles' conversation. But, you don't ask the other guests - just ask the waiter. That way other people overhear and it doesn't come as a surprise later on.

mickeysminnie · 02/08/2016 19:18

We were abroad at a wedding and the guests all decided to go out for a meal. Me & OH weren't drinking, only had one course. When the food came out my meal was completely wrong after speaking to the waitress she told me that as it was the kitchens mistake the meal would not be charged for. Fair enough. When the bill arrived one member of the group decided that we would split the bill evenly between all of us!
I just laughed and asked did he expect me to pay for their food since my food had already been comped.His response? "I thought it would be nice if you shared the discount!" Needless to say that didn't happen we put the money we owed plus a tip and left. Talking to one of the group later apparently this guy was always trying to pull a fast one, ordering loads and drinking his fill then expecting everyone to split the bill.

MaybeDoctor · 02/08/2016 19:18

But, having said that I think it does detract a bit from the general conviviality of a large group meal to have a break-away bill set up, although yours is a perfect example of when it would be appropriate.

TwatbadgingCuntfuckery · 02/08/2016 19:35

What you did was right OP.

I always pay for my own food and request a separate bill is kept. Being a single parent with one DC I refuse to subsidise siblings partners and children.

I can afford one child. So I'll only pay for my one child plus me and DC often go for 2 for 1 deals if in a chain pub, sharing platters with a side and we don't drink so our bill is always cheaper than theirs. Its all we can afford. I have a budget I have to stick to.

I have had many scowls and cats bum faces from my siblings when they realise mine and DCs bill is less than what they are paying per person.

If we're having family BBQs where everyone brings an item my food is always hoovered up and I'm left with cheap value burgers :( Cheap people will always be cheap but will expect everyone to fund their expensive tastes.

TT10677 · 02/08/2016 20:21

I would always ask everyone before splitting a bill to check everyone was ok with it - as well as highlighting anyone that should pay less for whatever reason (not drinking etc). It's just polite. Especially with people I don't eat out often with or know very well.

With friends that we eat out with a lot I wouldn't worry drinking or not as what goes around...It all evens out eventually.

That is a big difference however and I would have said something but people do get unnecessarily weird about this kind of thing. Like someone else said they probably didn't pay too much attention to what you ordered except the lack of alcohol and therefore might assume youre being stingy. On the other hand what are the people like you went out with? Sometimes you get that one person who orders the most expensive things on the menu and drinks a cellar of wine every time as they know the bill will be split. In that case if I felt someone was seriously taking the pi$$ I would also ask for the bill to be split....

Definitely highlight a separate bill next time at the outset if watching the pennies.

You shouldn't feel guilty or bad about it tho.

runlulurun · 02/08/2016 22:25

actually mickeysminnie that sounds like the very definition of tight!

Original poster

PinkyofPie · 02/08/2016 22:25

So four families - 7,5,2,2. Bill came to £440 - SiL works out that's £110 per family, so PILs and we, as parties of two, pay the same as the parties of seven and five, therefore paying for a very large portion of their bill.

Bloody hell and I thought I'd been had! That's ludicrous!

I did consider letting it slide but TBH I've spent most of my life as a passive door mat and I'm trying to undo that part of me. I find little ways of assertiveness help, it's bloody terrifying though I was beetroot red when I piped up

OP posts:

RedorDread · 02/08/2016 22:31

I would have said something at the beginning of the meal.

CalleighDoodle · 02/08/2016 22:32

Id have put £30 in. Cheeky fuckers they are.

milkysmum · 02/08/2016 22:37

I would have put £ 30 in- no more!

DropZoneOne · 02/08/2016 22:52

Did similar myself a few years back - group of friends, I wasn't drinking and we didn't have a lot of money so we're careful in our food choices and DH had one beer and I had water. Bill was split equally, I asked to pay less as we had eaten / drunk significantly less. It caused a lot of bad feeling, friends thought I should have sucked up the cost.

With hindsight, I'd have made clear before the meal that we were tight for money and could we not split the bill rather than leaving it to the end.

deadringer · 02/08/2016 23:09

You did the right thing op, this sort of thing pisses me right off. I was out with a group of about 12 mums. 4 weren't drinking because they were pregnant and they were doing the driving, dropping all the drinkers home. I was one of the ones drinking and i suggested that we put all of the alcohol on a separate bill and split it between the drinkers but i was totally shot down. I thought it was really unfair, the non drinkers had to watch us get pissed, subsidise our bills and then bring us home. Crazy!

blowmybarnacles · 02/08/2016 23:18

My much wealthier brother did this at a family brunch recently - his teenage sons (3 of them!) ordered huge plates of food, and lots of cokes. He tried to split the bill equally amongst the adults, I'd have ended up paying £25 for my £7 meal, my other brother was aghast, saying how come I'm paying so much for my sandwich. We took the bill off him and realised what he had done and put him right. He wasn't even apologetic. Which is why he is wealthier. . He is also a tosser.

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