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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

lodger behaviour

129 replies

sue777 · 31/07/2016 21:56

I've had a lodger for 2 weeks. I feel she's trying to take over the patio! It is a shared space, and as such, if we're both there, I find it natural to converse. This is my home, and if I'm sitting on the patio and she's there too, it's a tad awkward to be given cues from this lodger that I'm to shut up. She reads her book, and tries to ignore my social chit-chat. She sits there with head-phones on, which excludes any chance of social interaction. ... weird and uncomfortable for me to sit so close to someone in my own home, yet be prevented from being myself. I'm not bothered that she might not personally enjoy my chatter, (she doesn't have to like me) but I feel she is rude to do this. I have decided to absent myself 2 or 3 days a week, so as to give her some space. So when I AM there, I think it reasonable to have politeness. She has the use of a second reception room, (that I don't use). And the garden is big, with plenty of other outdoor spaces where she can be private and quiet if she so decides. I get the impression she wants me to either sit there in silence, or leave. I think that it's her who should take herself off to another spot if she doesn't want to be sociable AIBU ?

OP posts:
Original poster
sue777 · 01/08/2016 10:48

hello machikoro. You get me. Thanks for having the qualities of seeing that I've taken stuff on board.
I suspect IceroadDucker knows quite well that I've got the option of keeping parts of my home to myself, or perhaps negotiating a bit more in future. and I suspect loads of people reading this know it's a bit of a big ask to watch someone using the washing machine so much that it eats up half of the rent, quite unnecessarily.
My mistake for not setting a rent that reflects a fair trade x

OP posts:
MammouthTask · 01/08/2016 10:49

Wow... Even though I did disagree with yoou, I could also see why the situation had unsettled you.

From your last post though .... I'm not sure I would enjoy being a lodger in your house.

Are you really saying that because the rent is low then the lodger should do as you please? ConfusedConfused

MammouthTask · 01/08/2016 10:50

Xpost.....

I'm sure there are plenty of issues to be ironed out when you have a lodger. But I'm at loss as to the relationship to patio gate. Surely this issue could happen anywhere in the house, not just the patio?

IceRoadDucker · 01/08/2016 10:51

I suspect IceroadDucker knows quite well that I've got the option of keeping parts of my home to myself,

Yeah, but I also know you're a knob for banning her from the patio because she doesn't want to make small talk with you.

Original poster
sue777 · 01/08/2016 10:52

come on people.... I'm feeding you some wonderful snippets that you can use to have a go. Please do..... It's all been far too gentle so far.
(note to self, get on with your work now ) x

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/08/2016 11:06

She's not seeking out your company, she's seeking out your patio and, unless you like to return her money to her, it's a business arrangement and it's her home to for the duration.

Perhaps she did think that you'd be good company for her a the beginning? Perhaps, as the days passed, she realised that you didn't have so much in common together? Either way, she doesn't want to chat with you on the patio.

Now, are you going to keep on about it as if it's your right to dictate what is and isn't a 'social event' or are you going to do what the rest of us do and accept the social cues that are being repeatedly handed to you?

Curviest · 01/08/2016 11:09

I've had 17 years of having 2 or 3 lodgers in my house, and yes, YABU.

I agree with the poster who wrote "You are being far too sensitive for your own good and she is NOT being impolite. You have a commercial arrangement with her, not a personal relationship. If I was sitting somewhere reading my book I would be absolutely furious with someone - anyone - trying to chat with me. And unless you had specifically said that the patio was out of bounds to her, why on earth shouldn't she sit there, whether you're there or not?

If you'd wanted a companion rather than just a lodger you should have advertised for one."

ABloodyDifficultWoman · 01/08/2016 11:13

I once rented a room from someone like you. Batshit bloody crazy she was. Normal social boundaries didn't apply to her because she was the all munificent LANDLADY. The big cheese. Liked to remind you every so often what a huge favour she was doing you.
I didn't stay long and I could quite foresee how one day she'd push someone too far with her chattering bullshit and end up butchered and in the freezer.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/08/2016 11:15

Reading back your post at 09:42 now OP... I think you sound lonely. You might well be doing this for some extra money but interaction seems very important to you - disproportionately, even.

Some people are not chatty, they don't feel the need to fill every silence with chat. I would have thought you might understand that as a 'scientist' because, in my experience, they are more introspective than other professions.

You say that this is a short term arrangement so that being the case, you'll adjust your requirements for any future lodgers and all should be well. In the meantime, leave this woman to her own devices, please and try not to take umbrage at her wish for peace and quiet.

wowfudge · 01/08/2016 11:16

Thanks for having the qualities of seeing that I've taken stuff on board.

Urgh - who says things like this?

Nice drip feed on the washing machine use OP. Surely the machine has to be on constantly to cost as much as the rent? You obviously have issues with the lodger treating the place as her home.

carefreeeee · 01/08/2016 11:23

Have been a lodger several times but never had one.

It sounds to me like she was offended by you not wanting to get too intimate during the first couple of days she was with you and now she's in a mood.

I agree that to be a lodger you need to get along on some level and a normal bit of chat for a couple of minutes 'how was your day' etc, before sinking into your book, would be considered normal. You need to be polite and friendly in order to get along in a shared house. You cannot just avoid all conversation - that would always make things weird. Like any shared house situation, you need to compromise and adapt, and if you want zero interaction you should get your own place.

And if your lodger was wanting to avoid interaction she would avoid you rather than sit on the patio with you. So it sounds to me more as if she is being a bit odd, than that YABU.

Problems I've had as a lodger have always resulted from me thinking that the homeowner wanted more of their own space and thus trying to avoid spending too much time with them, and them as a result thinking I didn't like them. Once I had realised that people like to be friends with their lodgers all has been well!

SpaceUnicorn · 01/08/2016 11:34

come on people.... I'm feeding you some wonderful snippets that you can use to have a go

Ah, OK. Trolling for attention.

Sodding school holidays Hmm

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 01/08/2016 11:47

I fear so space. Surely the op should have let this rumble on for at least 10 more pages, before adding some juicy titbits before capping it off spectacular fall out in which she rams a 600 page novel up her lodgers arse, screaming and sobbing 'why won't you talk to me????' At which point we all realise we've been had, feel a bit silly for getting over invested in the situation and move on to the next thread?

SpaceUnicorn · 01/08/2016 11:56

'Logderzilla' doesn't trip off the tongue too easily, it was doomed from the start, Dylan Wink

littleprincesssara · 01/08/2016 12:13

Oh, stop drip feeding.

Are you saying that she literally never speaks a word to you, ever? That's the opposite to your original complaint -- that someone sitting in a communal area is by definition "creating a social occasion" and cruelly forcing you to deny yourself by not being a walking chat toy.

How on earth do you know she's not an introvert? Introverts can have all different kinds of personalities, there's no ons stereotype for an introvert.

littleprincesssara · 01/08/2016 12:23

To answer your question, OP, I have never been a lodger, nor had one.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 01/08/2016 12:59

She's not going to ban this lodger from the patio or raise the price for this lodged either.

The OP is saying that she's going to raise the price for the next lodger to reflect the going rate in her area.

And as the patio is causing difficult social dynamics, she will avoid getting into the same situation occurring again by not including usage in the contract. The OP has already said that the lodger has the usage of a reception room so it's not that the lodger will have no space except her/his room.

I agree with Care that "It sounds to me like she was offended by you not wanting to get too intimate during the first couple of days she was with you and now she's in a mood"

SaucyJack · 01/08/2016 13:06

"I agree with Care that "It sounds to me like she was offended by you not wanting to get too intimate during the first couple of days she was with you and now she's in a mood" "

Or maybe it's the simpler explanation that they've done the big "getting to know you" chats, and this is now a natural break in the conversation.

It's only been two weeks. They won't be either staying up every night or ignoring each other every night. It's normal for conversation to come and go when you live with someone.

Pearlman · 01/08/2016 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

penisbeakerlaminateflooringetc · 01/08/2016 13:25

X

Original poster
sue777 · 01/08/2016 13:29

thanks. I'm new to this. never been on a chat room before. Had I known what it was like, I'd have been a little more careful with my initial post xx

OP posts:
ChowNowBrownCow · 01/08/2016 14:52

sue777 - can I ask, how old is your lodger? If she is relatively young - say under 30, then it is quite the norm to sit with headphones on, even if other people are in the room (or patio). Personally, I have had two types of lodgers, ones that want to be part of the family (especially females that are young) and those that use the home as a base and come and go as they please with a quick word here and there. I preferred the latter, especially when my children were very young and they needed more of my attention. I would imagine she will want to move out very soon and your 'problem' will be solved.

Original poster
sue777 · 01/08/2016 15:53

hello CNbrowncow (I like the name)
she's 50. just separated. she's having a tough time at the moment - what with having to up-route herself, and all the unexpected loss of a family home etc etc. (I wasn't going to say all that here, but, given this amazing long and winding thread, I might as well). From day 1 her behaviour suggested that she wanted to be "part of the family". - which Isn't what I was offering ... I've got enough of my own stuff going on (the bitchy people on this thread can perhaps pick up this little comment, twist it and run with it if it improves their day... but I digress) I tried to demonstrate that from the start. I am far from perfect (as has been so wonderfully pointed out here!) and, shock, horror, was misguided to think that, by coming to sit next to me in the sun .... on the now famous F*G Patio !!! - .... pause while I stop laughing....... it might be polite of her to make a little conversation. The jury has spoken. I reckon 65 % think I was wrong. Fine. This could have been such a short thread, especially given my acknowledgement that I was taking on board what people were saying so early on in the thread. All previous lodgers have restricted the time they spend on the you-know-what. Anyway, all will be well. Gotta go now .... off to the sweep the p x

OP posts:
Original poster
sue777 · 01/08/2016 15:58

washing - line gate coming soon to a threat near you x

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 01/08/2016 16:25

OP, I would have thought that she is not deliberately coming to sit next to you then sitting in silence (ie she would come and sit next to you wherever you happened to be sitting), that would be a bit weird. It's more likely to be that because we're having a nice summer she wants to sit outside, and you happen to be there (for the same reason -it's nice to sit outside on a summer evening). Agree with others that the correct approach for both of you is to be civil - say hi, exchange a couple of pleasantries, then take cues as to whether the other one wants the conversation to continue. If she wants to read her book on the patio of an evening, that seems like a non-problem to me. If it's a problem you need to let her know that she's not to use it if you're there etc (and renegotiate rent accordingly).