lodger behaviour

[sue777]

I've had a lodger for 2 weeks. I feel she's trying to take over the patio! It is a shared space, and as such, if we're both there, I find it natural to converse. This is my home, and if I'm sitting on the patio and she's there too, it's a tad awkward to be given cues from this lodger that I'm to shut up. She reads her book, and tries to ignore my social chit-chat. She sits there with head-phones on, which excludes any chance of social interaction. ... weird and uncomfortable for me to sit so close to someone in my own home, yet be prevented from being myself. I'm not bothered that she might not personally enjoy my chatter, (she doesn't have to like me) but I feel she is rude to do this. I have decided to absent myself 2 or 3 days a week, so as to give her some space. So when I AM there, I think it reasonable to have politeness. She has the use of a second reception room, (that I don't use). And the garden is big, with plenty of other outdoor spaces where she can be private and quiet if she so decides. I get the impression she wants me to either sit there in silence, or leave. I think that it's her who should take herself off to another spot if she doesn't want to be sociable AIBU ?

Wtf. You don't need to get up and leave, can't you just sit quietly yourself?

So she wants to sit in the garden and read a book, and you want to be able to sit and talk at her while she gives you her full attention?

It's not her that's being rude.

Perhaps this situation applies

If the garden is big why do you both have to sit on the patio?
If you are on the patio and she comes outside but doesn't want to converse then she should go to another part of the garden.

This is very interesting. Thanks. And thanks for explaining the meaning of a reverse. I take on board most of what's being said, but still think that sharing your home with someone is very different from sitting on a bus etc. I AM comfortable with silence with friends etc, but would any of us want to seek out someone's company and then not chat at all. It's only a short lodger agreement. We'll survive .

I think you're the one being rude, really. Constantly interrupting someone who is otherwise occupied is unreasonable.

If she wasn't there, would you chatter away to yourself?

Hello Ditsy4. You seem to understand where I'm coming from. But surprisingly you and I seem to be in the minority . hey ho

Depends on who was there first- if she is sat in the garden, reading/listening to music and you arrive and start chatting then you are in the wrong. If you are sat out, enjoying the view then she comes, sits next to you, gets book out and put head phones in then she's weird and should have sat elsewhere.

Oh gosh
Can't you be yourself without the chit chat??? I mean, if you were on your own in the patio would you be talking?
She is not there to entertain you OP.
Just let her read her book.

Some people at work are like that. My job involves talking to people all day so at lunch I read my book.

The headphones are usually a sign for others to leave the person in peace.

Read a book OP. Be yourself in the quiet

It would be much ruder if she got up and walked away every time you sat down.

Just say 'Evening', smile, then carry on with what you'd do if she wasn't there.

I love a companiable silence me. Send her around mine!

Going against the grain here...If your lodger makes you feel uncomfortable in your own space, give her notice. No need to be unpleasant about it; just say it's not working for you. There's no way you should be absenting yourself to make a lodger feel comfortable. I presume this is a house you own and not a flatshare arrangement, which is entirely different.
Choose your next lodger carefully. Ask questions to ascertain how sociable they want to be - some want to be matey and others want to be self-contained - and choose one that fits in with what you want. I'm not suggesting there's anything 'wrong' with her, but you need to be compatible to live together.

She reads her book, and tries to ignore my social chit-chat. She sits there with head-phones on, which excludes any chance of social interaction

So she wants to sit quietly on the patio? And you think she should either talk to you or bugger off else where so that you can, erm, sit quietly on the patio by yourself. Why don't you both just sit there?

Try interacting with her like this: themetapicture.com/how-to-interact-with-the-introverted/ She might not be introverted but it could work anyway. She's probably quite happy with you sitting next to her but just doesn't feel the need to chatter about inanities

Surprisingly you and I seem to be in the minority.
I think it is only surprising for 2 of you

I would find this weird too. I think it's normal to make some quick chit-chat before you retreat into silence. There's something quite unfriendly about her behaviour. I say this as someone who suffered with bad social anxiety for years and used to find small talk hard. You have to at least try to seem a bit friendly.

It sounds like you and her are just not a good match to live together. Maybe try find someone more on your wavelength.

Your lodger informed you that you'd be having lots of fun evenings together, seriously? Is that what you wanted from a lodger?

I'm guessing the garden chairs are on the patio and it's a nice day. Lodger decides to sit and relax by reading and listening to music so she sits on one of the garden chairs. What's wrong with this? How is she supposed to know that the patio is for chattering only, and if you want to read, you have to move your chair to another part of the garden?

It may be 'your home' but now,it's her home as well, so she is entitled to sit and read in the garden if she wants.

She's your lodger, NOT your house mate/friend/flat mate etc. It's different.

You could just stamp your feet and scream out, "You promised me lots of fun evenings together. You PROMISED!!"

Then burst into tears.

She'll go elsewhere and never return. Job done.

OP don't you think it's rude to interrupt somebody when they are clearly reading or listening to music? I grew up in a decent sized family and if someone else was, say reading a book in the living room I wouldn't just start talking at them and force them to stop what they were doing and converse with me - and that's my family, not a lodger. She is paying so it's not your "gracious hospitality" that is allowing her to sit out on the patio. I feel for your lodger actually.

You don't come across as the sort of person who is laid back enough to tolerate the different needs of your lodger. This is a non-problem, and you've made it one.

Just don't talk to her. There is no need to talk.

Is she your first lodger, Sue?

OP, please don't ever ever come to London. You'll be one of those People who tries to strike up chitchat on the tube so we have to get off at the next stop and wait for another train...

(Maybe her idea of a fun evening is sitting in the same vacinity reading?)

wow. this is the first time I've been on mumsnet, and it's pretty amazing how many people reply.
Floggingmolly- hello. I absolutely didn't expect her to be wanting lots of fun evenings together. I also think the person who says that it depends who's there first has a point. thank you all for your comments. I am wondering whether, her refusal to engage in a little social chatter when she choses the one spot to sit in that is, by definition creating a social occasion, is a reaction to me not spending more time with her in the first days when I got the distinct impression that she wanted a new best friend. ..oh, and yes, it's my house, not a flat share. I will leave her with her book, and I will not get up and leave. (but I have the distinct impression she wants me to get up and leave)