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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

lodger behaviour

129 replies

sue777 · 31/07/2016 21:56

I've had a lodger for 2 weeks. I feel she's trying to take over the patio! It is a shared space, and as such, if we're both there, I find it natural to converse. This is my home, and if I'm sitting on the patio and she's there too, it's a tad awkward to be given cues from this lodger that I'm to shut up. She reads her book, and tries to ignore my social chit-chat. She sits there with head-phones on, which excludes any chance of social interaction. ... weird and uncomfortable for me to sit so close to someone in my own home, yet be prevented from being myself. I'm not bothered that she might not personally enjoy my chatter, (she doesn't have to like me) but I feel she is rude to do this. I have decided to absent myself 2 or 3 days a week, so as to give her some space. So when I AM there, I think it reasonable to have politeness. She has the use of a second reception room, (that I don't use). And the garden is big, with plenty of other outdoor spaces where she can be private and quiet if she so decides. I get the impression she wants me to either sit there in silence, or leave. I think that it's her who should take herself off to another spot if she doesn't want to be sociable AIBU ?

OP posts:
Original poster
sue777 · 31/07/2016 23:09

hello sparechange. I do not have conversations on the tube. why do you think sitting next to a heap of strangers on the tube has any bearing on a few social friendly moments when someone comes into your home for a few months.
Oh, and if I haven't already cleared this point up, I will: her comment regarding fun evenings filled me with horror. She said it because she wanted and expected it. not me .
I appreciate the thoughtful constructive replies, but some people seem to want to be a little bit ........ xx

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 31/07/2016 23:09

I visit a dear cousin for a week or two each year. She has a beautiful shaded patio & rose garden and we both love to sit out there. Sometimes we chat, other times it's reading or just sitting quietly. If one of us feels chatty we'll ask the other 'Feel like a chat?'. The other will either say yes or no and we proceed accordingly, no one gets offended or irritated. Easy peasy.

So why don't you try asking her when you join her if she'd fancy a chat or would just rather read. There's nothing wrong with companionable silence. Unless you took in a lodger specifically because you are lonely and or bored?

Original poster
sue777 · 31/07/2016 23:11

I'm not lonely or bored. I need the money. I made that clear to her. and it's her joining me. not the other way round

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 31/07/2016 23:23

Same thing then. If she comes out, ask her if she fancies a chat or would she rather just read. No big problem.

Shizzlestix · 31/07/2016 23:24

If there are other spaces to sit outside, she should go there. It is passive aggressive and weird of her to sit in determined silence on your patio.

Original poster
sue777 · 31/07/2016 23:28

hi shizzlestix. you and I think alike

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 31/07/2016 23:42

I personally think its rude to try and talk to someone who just wants to relax with a book. It's like people who insist on talking through tv programmes/films so you miss it all.
I'm not sure how sitting in the garden with a book is 'creating a social occasion'!!! Most people I know like to sit in their gardens in peace with a book when the weather is nice. If she was sat in your front room doing nothing else with a glass of wine in her hand and ignoring you then I would say she has created a social occasion!

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 01/08/2016 01:35

Are you my mother op? If not and should my mother ever be in need of somewhere to lodge, I'll point her your way. I have a feeling that you two would get on like a house on fire. Luckily as she's family, I can be blunt with her, but I pity your poor lodger who can't say ' bloody hell, give your trap a rest, I'm reading this book or at least trying to.'

Every second does not have to be filled with inane chatter: two adults can sit quietly and it not be hostile or an uncomfortable environment.

Occupying the same communal space is not always an invitation to social intercourse, you need to pick up on other clues. A book and headphones is about the biggest indicator that the other person isn't looking to chit chat.

She is not necessarily looking for friendship or a new social life, nor is their any guarantee that you'll be best pals. If someone offered me a quiet bookish housemate who didn't mother me, I'd say that's a result.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 01/08/2016 01:36

bookish housemate who didn't mother me, I'd say that's a result.

Should read

bookish housemate who didn't mither me, I'd say that's a result.

ImissGrannyW · 01/08/2016 01:44

Hahaha billy - Have you tried directly speaking to her about it? I think the OP speaking is the problem!!!!

Sue777, I don't mean this rudely, but do you read? (as in, are you someone who always has a book on the go?). I'm not judging at all, but I slightly suspect you're not, because people who DO read (because they love reading) like to spend time doing just that, and chatter when you want to read is irksome. That doesn't mean there aren't times when you don't want to chat, iyswim, but when you're reading ISN'T one of those times.

It sounds like this person wants to spend SOME time socialising with you (her reference to fun evenings) but not all of it. Is that ok?

But it's your house, so you set the rules, if your lodger isn't working for you, give her notice and get one in who suits you better.

p.s. Just notice this runs to 3 pages, not 1, so sorry for not RTFT! I'll do that now!

ImissGrannyW · 01/08/2016 01:49

I missed nothing!

Liiinoo · 01/08/2016 01:50

I think YABU. She is paying to use that space and if she wants to use it to sit with her headphones on and read, that is her prerogative.

I am a big reader and nothing annoys me more than a house guest walking in on me reading and interrupting me with chit-chat - and they are my guests, to whom I owe some hospitality. To have a landlady acting the same way would do my head in.

Liiinoo · 01/08/2016 01:51

Perogative.

littleprincesssara · 01/08/2016 02:41

She has every right to read a book in her own home (which it is, temporarily). Sitting alone in your own home reading a book does not remotely "create a social occasion"!

Your lodger is not making any demands on you whatsoever, she is just living her own life quietly. How on earth is she forcing you to sit in silence?? If you want to chat to someone, the onus is on you to find someone who wants to chat to you. No one is obligated to be your friend. If you want to sit on your patio and chat with someone, invite a friend round. After all if she wasn't there, you'd be alone in silence.

You're making extremely unreasonable demands of her - she's paying you, she's not your own personal plaything. Honestly it sounds like you've got boundary issues in expecting a paying lodger to provide socialisation on-demand.

Upthetree100 · 01/08/2016 03:01

What's 'a reverse'??

MephistoMarley · 01/08/2016 04:07

I think you should just start acting like she's part of the furniture unless she indicated that she wants to chat. Well ok maybe not completely part of the furniture - eye contact, a smile and a quick 'hi' is expected but other than that you carry on with whatever activity you're doing and definitely don't vacate the area just because she turns up with her book. I'm sure she's not expecting you to do that anyway - that would be really odd. You may be misinterpreting her 'solo relax' vibes for 'fuck off' vibes.

tibbawyrots · 01/08/2016 07:20

She's reading. I don't know why some people seem to object to other people sitting there reading!

Even my OH will see me reading and come in yapping because he interprets reading as I'm bored and need entertaining Confused

I'm entertaining myself by reading!

Pearlman · 01/08/2016 07:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sidge · 01/08/2016 07:29

Surely the patio is a logical place to sit on a garden chair to read, especially in the summer? It doesn't necessarily imply one is prepared to be sociable.

You're hardly going to drag the chair down the garden onto the lawn just to signify you don't want to chat.

She's your lodger, not your best mate. Don't enforce your chit chat onto her. Take her cues and be respectful of her social boundaries as I'm sure you would want her to be of yours.

wowfudge · 01/08/2016 07:32

Maybe it would be better for you OP if when she came outside she said, "Mind if I join you and just read my book?"

I find your comment that her joining you on the patio 'creates a social occasion' quite odd. It's not exactly a party, the two of you sitting on the patio. I'd say it's akin to two people being on a shared terrace in communal gardens - you might acknowledge the other's presence, but that would be it.

ParadiseCity · 01/08/2016 07:35

When we had lodgers, if they wanted quiet they had their room for that, the communal areas were for conversation. And communing I guess!!

Likewise if I wanted quiet and privacy I went to my own room.

Pearlman · 01/08/2016 07:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JudyCoolibar · 01/08/2016 07:37

Why on earth is the patio the one spot in the house that is "by definition" creating a social occasion? Surely it's just an area to sit in in the garden, much the same as a sitting room? If anything it's less social, as people often use their patios just to sit quietly and relax and enjoy the garden.

And shizzlestix is wrong to describe it as "your patio". If the lodger is paying rent and the patio is not excluded from the lodging agreement, then it's not exclusively OP's. There, I assume, nothing in the agreement that says the patio is only to be used conditionally on chatting to the landlady whenever she wants to chat.

OP, if the lodger wasn't there and you wanted to use the patio, you would presumably do so without talking. Why is it any different if she is there and quietly reading?

SpaceUnicorn · 01/08/2016 07:39

My point is /was, that if she doesn't want to be social, she is the one who should toddle off to another spot

Why can't you let her sit and read her book in peace? Can you not sit in the vicinity of someone without talking? Confused

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/08/2016 07:41

I'd treat it like being sat around a swimming pool. I might acknowledge someone, but I wouldn't force a conversation. Yabu op.

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