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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

lodger behaviour

129 replies

sue777 · 31/07/2016 21:56

I've had a lodger for 2 weeks. I feel she's trying to take over the patio! It is a shared space, and as such, if we're both there, I find it natural to converse. This is my home, and if I'm sitting on the patio and she's there too, it's a tad awkward to be given cues from this lodger that I'm to shut up. She reads her book, and tries to ignore my social chit-chat. She sits there with head-phones on, which excludes any chance of social interaction. ... weird and uncomfortable for me to sit so close to someone in my own home, yet be prevented from being myself. I'm not bothered that she might not personally enjoy my chatter, (she doesn't have to like me) but I feel she is rude to do this. I have decided to absent myself 2 or 3 days a week, so as to give her some space. So when I AM there, I think it reasonable to have politeness. She has the use of a second reception room, (that I don't use). And the garden is big, with plenty of other outdoor spaces where she can be private and quiet if she so decides. I get the impression she wants me to either sit there in silence, or leave. I think that it's her who should take herself off to another spot if she doesn't want to be sociable AIBU ?

OP posts:

ParadiseCity · 01/08/2016 07:41

Pearlman - basically, yes. However our lodgers were all students from overseas staying with us (rather than in halls) purposefully to improve their English. So I suppose my situation was a bit different!

SpaceUnicorn · 01/08/2016 07:42

She's reading. I don't know why some people seem to object to other people sitting there reading!

It's odd, isn't it? Some people do seem to see the act of reading as a cue to enforce a conversation.

user7755 · 01/08/2016 07:43

To be fair, I have never lodged so don't really understand the etiquette, but surely she is paying for the right to share your home? In which case she can sit where she wants and do what she wants (within reason) because she is paying you for the privilege?

If that's the case, I don't understand why the onus is on her to find somewhere different to sit and read. The social convention would be to be aware of someone fully engaged in an activity and beyond the briefest greeting, just leave them to it.

SpaceUnicorn · 01/08/2016 07:48

I am wondering whether, her refusal to engage in a little social chatter when she choses the one spot to sit in that is, by definition creating a social occasion, is a reaction to me not spending more time with her in the first days when I got the distinct impression that she wanted a new best friend

You're massively overthinking all of this and attributing a lot of presumed motivations to her.

I'd love to hear the other side of this one, from the lodger's perspective. Poor harangued woman, having to stay in her room all day for fear of inadvertently creating 'social occassions' by crossing paths with her landlady!

Pearlman · 01/08/2016 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueskyinmarch · 01/08/2016 08:10

My DD2 is a quiet introvert. Sometimes she wafts into the garden when i am sitting there, with her book and her earphones in. She appears to like the company but not necessarily the chatting. As an extrovert i find it weird but i am used to it now. I sometimes forget she has earphones in and ask her something and she (very politely i must say) removes her earphones, answers my questions, then pops them back in and continues reading. I then try not to disturb her. She has every right to use the garden as she wishes, as does your lodger.

VioletBam · 01/08/2016 08:10

God. I can't STAND people who won't shut up! It's awful! I used to have this with a flatmate. I couldn't read a book without her asking "What are you reading"

Well I'm NOT if I"m answering your questions am I!?

MammouthTask · 01/08/2016 08:15

If she is going somewhere else in the garden, is there any seat, does she knows if that she can take the seat she is using on the patio on the grass, is there some sun/shadow... In effect, are you sure the issue of her not sitting somewhere else isn't that the patio is just more confortable? I'm assuming there that you've decided too that the patio is nicer to sit and that's why you sit there. So why not her too and why would she have to sit somewhere not as nice?

I think you have a massive difference of idea of how a lodger should be. As a lodger, I wouldn't want to have to chat with you like this on a regular basis (She has been there for only 2 weeks after all!). I like my own peace so would probably be acting like this, is the same way I would be doing if I was in my own home.

As for 'avoiding you' and 'wanting to push you out of your own patio', you are imagining things there. It rather looks like she has taken her clues for your behaviour in the first few days and learnt you preferred NOT to engage in a lot of social chitchat. (Even if you saw her behaviour as 'following you everywere' to start with, she might well have seen it as 'social chitchat' for example)

Zxzx · 01/08/2016 08:33

OP, you need to leave hew alone to read her book and try not to massively overthink things.

ChowNowBrownCow · 01/08/2016 08:39

I have had lodgers for years. It takes a certain type of person to open their home up to have a stranger live with them. Firstly, (and i am assuming) that this is new to you, you should remember the relationship is not two mates house sharing, it is essentially a business arrangement, she pays rent to live in your home. It sounds to me that you want more than this arrangement? I don't this she is being rude by not wanting to talk with you at certain times. I have times when I would not want to be chatty with a lodger, and I want my own space. Its part of living together. Finding out about each other and what you both like and will accept as part of daily life. Have you opened your whole house to your lodger? I used to keep my reception room (1) for just my family. reception (2) for us and lodger to use. It worked really well. I would go in reception 1 to watch tv and wouldn't particularly want anyone chatting to me during a programme so that worked for us. If she was on her computer then I would just say hi as I knew she was relaxing and surfing the net etc. If this is the first lodger you have had then really think about if this is for you. No shame in it if it isn't ,as the majority of people cannot share their home. If you intend to stick with it, then just accept how things are and either let her have her own space or get another lodger that suits your personality.

IceRoadDucker · 01/08/2016 08:48

It's not the lodger's behaviour that's the problem, and neither of you have to "take yourselves off" somewhere else. Just stop the inane chatter.

ShotsFired · 01/08/2016 08:49

I was a lodger many moons ago. One time I had a friend over and we were in the sitting room chatting over tea. Landlady came in and turns the tv on and starts watching (doesn't even introduce herself to my friend).

So we try and include her in the conversation, all friendly. Her response was to wordlessly turn the TV volume up so loud we couldn't continue.

I was gone from that place in a month. It was more than apparent she wanted the money but she didn't actually want the person that came with it.

I'm not saying you are anything like that OP, but your expectations are just as odd. The next place I lodged in I was there for several years and we got on like a house on fire.

Original poster

sue777 · 01/08/2016 09:42

Thanks for all the honest friendly opinions.
Trust me, I'm not ignoring what people are saying ...(well -have ignored 1 or 2 !)
Just to say, I've had lots of lodgers - about 6. Some for 3 years. Some for 6 months. What has worked for me is when , if we cross paths in the kitchen, there's a small bit of polite conversation. ... which has sometimes just naturally become a full on long conversation, whether it be us putting the world to rights or just getting to know each other more. I generally like my own space. I'm not looking for a friend.
A lot of the posts refer to how, because the lodger is paying, her rights to the place are the same as mine. but I think we all know that its more complicated that that. (I dare say I'll be picked apart for saying that. lol)
I have never before had someone who wants to be sitting right next to me before.
I do ABSOLUTELY enjoy silence, but don't, and never will, feel entirely comfortable with a blunt refusal to engage in a little bit of conversation.... I'm all too aware that I could pick up the paper (or a book ) but to do so without first a comfortable bit of chat is, to me, weird. By the way, she's not in introvert.
The rent is really low ( I've looked on-line and there are no other places that offer as many rooms and use of sacred patio ! etc.)

but guess what, PATIO-GATE won't happen next time, because patio will be off the menu
And rent will be higher.
..... and I haven't even started on washing-line etiquette yet. or using the washing machine...
I've been a lodger myself. While paying for my room, there was no getting away from the fact that I was still, in a way, a guest in someone else's home. At least, that's how I treated it .
The scientist in me would love to know whether people who've joined this thread are lodgers, homeowners who are taking in a lodger, or home owners who would not want to take in a lodger.
peace and love S

OP posts:

IceRoadDucker · 01/08/2016 10:08

but guess what, PATIO-GATE won't happen next time, because patio will be off the menu
And rent will be higher.

You sound pretty awful. I bet she'll be glad to move out.

wowfudge · 01/08/2016 10:09

You sound like hard work now! Washing machine etiquette - use it if you've got washing to do, empty it if someone else has used it and let them know their wash has finished. What more do you want?

DropYourSword · 01/08/2016 10:11

Please please start on the laundry etiquette. Sounds like it will be entertaining!

SpaceUnicorn · 01/08/2016 10:12

but guess what, PATIO-GATE won't happen next time, because patio will be off the menu

You're going to bar a lodger from sitting on the patio?

IceRoadDucker · 01/08/2016 10:13

You're going to bar a lodger from sitting on the patio?

And charge her extra for not wanting to make inane small talk.

"Washing-line etiquette"

SaucyJack · 01/08/2016 10:17

My mum always hangs her extremely large and tatty pants on the outside side of the rotary drier that faces her most hated neighbours house just to spite her view.

Is that the sort of etiquette fail you're talking about?

Standingonmytippytoes · 01/08/2016 10:21

Perhaps the patio is the perfect spot for reading, not too bright or windy.
Maybe next time she come on the patio say hello and leave it at that.

Binkermum29 · 01/08/2016 10:22

LIIINOO
You got it right the first time.

londonrach · 01/08/2016 10:22

If you cant beat her join her get a good book and both of you enjoy reading outside. Its her home you know. Sounds like she wants to relax.

MachiKoro · 01/08/2016 10:26

Actually, the"Patio gate" comment made me laugh! I think it's a sign of the OP taking on board what people are saying and trying to be light-hearted about it.

IceRoadDucker · 01/08/2016 10:27

Light hearted by banning the lodger from the patio?

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 01/08/2016 10:32

Do tell what the washing machine/line rules are.

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