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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really upset by pils text

108 replies

AdmiralCLingus · 31/07/2016 20:59

Dd goes to them on Sundays while I'm at work. She's complaining tonight that her tummy hurts because she fell on it today so I text them and asked about it because I don't know whether she's genuinely hurt something or just saying things so I don't put her to bed. (It wouldn't be the first time)

Fil has replied

She didn't fall on or in anything here today we are getting a bit fed up of the continual third degree every time we look after her. We would not allow her to damage herself in any way if it could be avoided. Also we would be sure to tell you if she had.

I really don't understand where this response has come from... it's not like I text them every week accusing them of hurting her or anything! And I also know they wouldn't let her get hurt or anything like that, I just don't know what to her.

I feel pathetic that it's upset me so much

OP posts:

Castironfireplace · 31/07/2016 21:46

I can over think things - but if you are absolutely sure you haven't been going on at them I would consider either something has happened that they don't want to tell you about (attack is best form of defense) or they don't like looking after her and are looking for ways to get out of it. Or there is something going on with your ex which is winding them up.

I would be upset too, I feel for you. I would text them back nicely that you haven't the foggiest what they are talking about and that you'll call them tomorrow. As I said, I do over think, for example it could be that he'd just stubbed his toe and his text was a reaction to that not you! But you aren't going to know unless you speak to them.

blondieblondie · 31/07/2016 21:48

It's not petty, it's understandable. Nobody wants to feel indebted to someone else, never mind your exPILs, and especially if (they may be) lording the childcare over you. Come September, they'll need you more than you need them!

Original poster

AdmiralCLingus · 31/07/2016 21:48

I'm never there for more than about 10 minutes. I ask them/her the usual questions like have you had a nice day/has she been good... the kind of things I ask anyone who's had her. Maybe they're just taking offence at me asking them anything about their time with her. I need to calm down and then I'll call them

OP posts:

ample · 31/07/2016 21:49

Depends on your text to your PIL. I would have called instead, fewer misunderstandings with a phone call but that's by the by now.
YANBU though as your FIL's comment 'the continual third degree every time..' sounds harsh and defensive to me. That would have my alarm bells ringing. Then again, all depends on your text.

Can you call them or call round to see them to discuss in person?

ample · 31/07/2016 21:49

xpost

Waltermittythesequel · 31/07/2016 21:49

I can see how the text would seem accusatory. You could have worded it much, much better.

Also, and I mean this as gently as possible: the overdramatics like sitting there sobbing and being unable to phone them makes me wonder if you're not a bit of a drama llama about things without realising?

Original poster

AdmiralCLingus · 31/07/2016 21:50

And there has been times where she's come home with scrapes/bruises and nothing has been said about it by them and I haven't questioned it. Because kids (especially mine) are prone to bumps every now and then

OP posts:

Original poster

AdmiralCLingus · 31/07/2016 21:52

walter I've suffered with anxiety and depression since my early teens and things like this really get to me.

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 31/07/2016 21:53

Do they know about your issues?

Original poster

AdmiralCLingus · 31/07/2016 21:54

Yes they do. His dad thinks depression is a fake illness

OP posts:

Waltermittythesequel · 31/07/2016 21:55

Ah. So he's a cunt then.

Original poster

AdmiralCLingus · 31/07/2016 21:57

I wouldn't go that far! I don't react to stuff in front of people... it's later on when it's beenchurning around in my brain for a while that it starts to get to me

OP posts:

Original poster

AdmiralCLingus · 31/07/2016 21:59

Both phones are going straight to answerphone

OP posts:

HarryPottersMagicWand · 31/07/2016 21:59

You don't need to apologise to them. I'd probably reply that that response was utterly uncalled for, which it was. I'd also have to point out it is the first time you have ever mentioned something like this so you resent the snippy response from them.

PurpleDaisies · 31/07/2016 22:00

Have you ever had any help with your anxiety? CBT is really good for challenging negative ways of thinking.

SharonfromEON · 31/07/2016 22:00

I think phone conversations are far better...
It seems common on MN never to say sorry unless you are in the wrong.. Sometimes Sorry isn't accepting liability it is sorry I think there is some misunderstanding.. I am really happy with the care you give my DD and glad she has a great relationship with you.. Can I ask what you meant by third degree..Do they think you questioning your DD is asking if she has been looked after properly..

Obliviated · 31/07/2016 22:02

Sounds like my ex Mil. She can be very defensive if she thinks I'm accusing her of anything.

A few months ago DC were dropped back here by her after being at her house. They walk in with a bag of haribo Strawberries, the big ones.

(youngest Dc has a problem with his mouth and some things he chokes on easily)

I didn't notice, I was putting shoes away etc. Turned around and DC was foaming at the mouth, making awful noises, heaving and gurgling. I was about to call 999 when I finally got the sweet out of his throat, it was terrifying for us both.

I text ex Mil and thanked them for having DC, I thanked her for the sweets but added that we needed to add those particular ones to the list of things that Dc couldn't have in future as had chokes, but that he was fine now etc etc. I was very careful to not blame or make her feel guilty.

She answered saying how awful it was and that she would never give Dc sweets and that she always made sure he only ate fruit and wouldn't ever let anything happen to them... On and on.

She totally denied giving them the sweets. I didn't bother pointing out that on one of the photos she had sent earlier Dc was happily sitting eating the sweets and she had actually written 'enjoying his sweets in the sunshine' under the photo.

Weird.

fastdaytears · 31/07/2016 22:02

I'm really going off your FIL now after that depression comment!

Jengnr · 31/07/2016 22:03

'Getting a bit fed up of the continual third degree' is not a statement one could easily misinterpret. Call round, find the details. If they're not knobheads move on.

They sound like it though :(

PurpleDaisies · 31/07/2016 22:06

I agree with sharon. I'd say sorry that your text wasn't clearer and you really didn't mean for them to take it as an accusation. Yes, their response was a bit harsh (in interested in whether there's any back story) but it won't help sort it out if you firmly stick with the "I haven't done anything at all wrong and there's no way I'm backing down" line.

Beeziekn33ze · 31/07/2016 22:09

Sorry you're so upset by this, hope you'll feel better after a sleep. Is there a friend you could talk to IRL?
I wondered what you meant in your original post by 'it wouldn't be the first time'. Does DD not want to go to her GPs every Sunday so the idea she hasn't had a happy day?

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 31/07/2016 22:14

I think I'd be offended if I provided childcare free every week and you accused me of hurting the child or keeping something from you.

The very fact that you are counting down the days until you don't need them says a lot. I bet they feel used and this was the final straw.

Original poster

AdmiralCLingus · 31/07/2016 22:15

I meant wouldn't be the first time she'd played for more time. She will often say she needs a wee when she doesn't want to eat her dinner for example. Or she will say she feels sick after she has had her milk at bedtime so she can sit up a bit longer while I fetch a bowl just in case she us sick

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DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep · 31/07/2016 22:16

That's an odd text to send. I'd be really upset too. I also think to ring them, even if you're upset. That wasn't a rude text, or out of the blue when you'd already been texting about the potatoes...

DreamingOfAFullNightsSleep · 31/07/2016 22:18

^ oh sorry, that didn't post til now, wrote it ages ago...

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