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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really upset by pils text

108 replies

AdmiralCLingus · 31/07/2016 20:59

Dd goes to them on Sundays while I'm at work. She's complaining tonight that her tummy hurts because she fell on it today so I text them and asked about it because I don't know whether she's genuinely hurt something or just saying things so I don't put her to bed. (It wouldn't be the first time)

Fil has replied

She didn't fall on or in anything here today we are getting a bit fed up of the continual third degree every time we look after her. We would not allow her to damage herself in any way if it could be avoided. Also we would be sure to tell you if she had.

I really don't understand where this response has come from... it's not like I text them every week accusing them of hurting her or anything! And I also know they wouldn't let her get hurt or anything like that, I just don't know what to her.

I feel pathetic that it's upset me so much

OP posts:
Pearlman · 31/07/2016 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Muskateersmummy · 31/07/2016 21:24

I completely agree with littlecaf. Call them and talk. Texting can often lead to misunderstandings

user7755 · 31/07/2016 21:25

I'd text back and say

'I'm a little confused by your text, I've checked back in case I have been unintentionally rude to you and can't see anywhere that I've mentioned DD's health after a visit to you. Just to be clear, I have no concerns about you looking after DD, she loves her time with you. Hope that settles your mind but perhaps we can chat about it when I next see you so that you can tell me what I have done to give you the impression that I'm giving you the third degree?'

WhatchaMaCalllit · 31/07/2016 21:25

I know it's their granddaughter but I wouldn't apologise. I would let your DH deal with any further correspondence to them and say that you were very upset following their text to you and you were only asking if anything happened as your DD was saying she had a sore tummy and as you weren't there and they were, they may have useful information to share (or something like that).

Hope your DD is feeling better by now.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 31/07/2016 21:25

Could your ex also be asking loads of questions (obviously don't know the situation so could be an irrelevant question).. Just if he is that could contribute to the third degree feeling on fil's part? You are still NBU to ask though. I'd just repeat what you said here about wanting to know if it was genuine on her part or just stalling at bedtime.

fastdaytears · 31/07/2016 21:28

Cold I was wondering that...

MoMandaS · 31/07/2016 21:28

Then I would ring them tomorrow and ask what he meant by the third degree comment. Explain she was saying it at bedtime so you weren't sure if it was just a delaying tactic or something that had actually happened that she may or may not have been exaggerating. Keep your tone light and breezy. Sound concerned that they seemed so upset by your offhand question. Ask if they're starting to find it a bit of a hassle looking after her - because you would hate to impose on their kindness. What I'm saying is, remind them that you hold all the cards because she is your daughter, while pretending that you have their best interests at heart. If you don't do this now, I predict further incidents and reactions of this sort, designed to confuse and intimidate you because they believe you rely on them for childcare.

Original poster
AdmiralCLingus · 31/07/2016 21:31

He very rarely has contact with his parents to be honest. His dad often comments about his lack of communication with them (but he's 30 years old and it's not my responsibility to make sure he keeps contact with his family)

I feel so pathetic about it. I've sat sobbing now for the last half an hour and obviously dd has got what she wanted because she is still sat watching cartoons

OP posts:
40somethingwonderful · 31/07/2016 21:32

I'd call and get it sorted. You never get a tone over a text.

Original poster
AdmiralCLingus · 31/07/2016 21:34

It's really selfish and petty of me but I'll be glad when she starts school and they won't ever have to have her

OP posts:
PansOnFire · 31/07/2016 21:35

I'd be wondering what exH is saying to them, maybe he's putting you in a bad light to them? Or it could be that exH is the one giving them the third degree and this was the final push. You should definitely ring them and discuss it before it escalates further.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 31/07/2016 21:38

They sounds really defensive..why don't you call and ask what they mean?

Ameliablue · 31/07/2016 21:38

I'd phone back and say sorry the text wasn't clear but that you don't feel you've been giving them the third degree so if there is something that's been upsetting them you'd like to sort it out as it wasn't your intention.

changingnameforthispost · 31/07/2016 21:38

Why don't you just pick up the phone and sort it out?

Original poster
AdmiralCLingus · 31/07/2016 21:39

Because I'm sat here in tears. That's why I don't want to phone them

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 31/07/2016 21:39

Ring them now. No need to wait until tomorrow. Get it sorted. You won't get any sleep otherwise.

PurpleDaisies · 31/07/2016 21:40

I feel so pathetic about it. I've sat sobbing now for the last half an hour and obviously dd has got what she wanted because she is still sat watching cartoons

Just ring them. Tone is really hard to get right in a text-maybe they've read your text as an accusation rather than a genuine enquiry. Don't just sit sobbing-explain why you were asking and what you meant. Do you now think your daughter was trying it on to watch to?

blondieblondie · 31/07/2016 21:40

Why will her starting school mean they don't have her on Sunday's?

Minkybinkyboo · 31/07/2016 21:40

You are not in the wrong. I trust my mum implicitly but if my daughter told me she'd hurt herself while round there I'd ask her if something happened... Not due to mistrust but because I'm interested and its the quickest way of clearing it up. Any sensible person would understand surely, you didn't ring up and shout the odds at them. In fact, I would wonder why he had got his back up over a simple question? If I would you I would call and explain you meant no offence, but I would make it clear that I would ask the same question again because my daughters welfare was more important than rubbing them up the wrong way.

fastdaytears · 31/07/2016 21:40

Sometimes that helps. It's ok for them to know that you're upset.

PurpleDaisies · 31/07/2016 21:43

"She enjoyed her potatoes but is now saying she has tummy ache because she fell on it today?"

If this was the text you sent I'd think you were criticising them for not telling you she'd fallen on her stomach rather than asking them if it was true. I think it's crossed wires. No need to make a huge deal of it. Just ring them.

Original poster
AdmiralCLingus · 31/07/2016 21:43

My work hours change to fit around school in September. I'm just being petty because I'm upset

OP posts:
April241 · 31/07/2016 21:45

I'd give them a call, just say you're really confused as you've never questioned them before about your daughter and that you'd only asked as she mentioned it before bed so you wanted to check incase she was playing up to get more tv time, could they please explain what they mean as the text isn't so clear.

The fact you're sat in tears is more of a reason to call because it's just going to play on your mind all night.

fastdaytears · 31/07/2016 21:45

Your text could have been clearer for sure. You could have added "is she being daft because she's trying to avoid bedtime?" or similar.
Honestly ring them. You will be upset until you talk to them.

bumsexatthebingo · 31/07/2016 21:45

Have you made any comments over the phone or when picking her up? Clearly they have taken offence at something. 'Getting the continual 3rd degree' would be an odd comment to make if this is genuinely the first time you've asked them about anything when then they've been looking after your dd. I would have to ask them what they were referring to.