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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws visiting

141 replies

HeCantBeSerious · 30/07/2016 22:39

(Apologies. I'm a long time poster but have forgotten my mumsnet password so reregistered. This may be long.)

DH's family live some distance away - around a 5 hour drive. To say visits are infrequent would be an understatement. We travel to them several times a year (there are loads of them so we try to see them all. It's harder now DC is in school.)

His parents were due to visit last Sept but cancelled to look after someone else's pet. They rearranged for Easter, then cancelled because another relative needed their help with something. (We later found out they didn't go to see the other relative but also didn't bother coming to us.) That was the last straw for me and I stopped encouraging DH to invite them down.

I'm a SAHM. DH's contract finishes at the end of August. We have no idea where we're going to find an income from then (I'm applying for things but not been successful yet). We've no holiday planned because we don't know whether DH will be able to take any time off. So August BH weekend will be the only decent chunk of time we'll have as a family.

He has today invited his parents down that weekend, so that he and his dad can go out drinking. His mother won't commit but says if they do come they'll be bringing DH's grandad who is not in good health and can't walk/do stairs. (We have no downstairs bedrooms and just one massive lounge. Granddad likes to be in bed by 9pm.)

He started arranging this with no consultation with me. I've just pointed out that he's basically asking me and DC to do very little with his mother and grandad while he goes out drinking with his father. I've said I'm not very happy about our only decent few days of family time being used in this way.

He thinks IABU because it's not often he gets chance to drink with his dad.

(We're in marriage therapy at the moment and this demonstrable lack of support is a common theme. I'm at my wits end with it.)

So where do I go from here?

(He also had a bit of a strop about us not having any plans to celebrate our wedding anniversary, which is one of the days he'd be out with his dad while I babysit his relatives.)

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 02/08/2016 13:01

HeCantBeSerious, going to counselling to save a relationship is good. Sometimes it works the other way to show you why it may never be saved. If one partner is not committed to implementing what is discussed, and does not change their behaviour, it's not working. It can also confirm to you that you are not being unreasonable in questioning how unreasonable H and his family are.

I think that they bring nothing to yours and the DC's lives. H keeps dragging them back in so that you now have to find ways to avoid them. Ask yourself what he brings to your DC's lives apart from financial support. I feel that if there is nothing much he could just as well pay maintenance while you live separately. He hasn't stuck up for them while his parents favour the other DGC's.

carefreeeee · 02/08/2016 13:26

I think you should offer a compromise. He does all the shopping and meal planning, you sort the laundry, he has one day with his dad, the other 2 days he has to spend with all of his relatives, whilst you and the children either go out/go away/spend time with the rels too.

If he won't accept this tell him you are going away with the kids.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 02/08/2016 21:48

Thanks for the suggestions. A mutual friend pointed out to him today that my relatives cause him no work whatsoever and that he's had plenty of opportunities to arrange to do something with his father that wouldn't involve me having to amuse young children and a pretty immobile octogenarian. He's also had several trips away/days out and events where he's been able to relax and have fun and I've had none because I've been looking after DC.

I'm letting that ruminate before I do anything else. I did leave him in no doubt last night that I'm not at all happy with the arrangements or his behaviour towards the rest of us. I'll see what he does with that info over the next few days.

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 03/08/2016 00:04

Hopefully hearing it from a third party will make him realise how bloody nasty and unreasonable he is being about the whole thing

Janecc · 03/08/2016 05:37

Great that you got a third party to help out. However, this needs to be a short term fix and you really need to consider how you're going to get some assertiveness skills to fight your own battles. You and your parents seem far too nice. Otherwise they would have put him in his place years ago - visiting them and buggering off within a few minutes should not have gone unchecked.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 03/08/2016 08:58

visiting them and buggering off within a few minutes should not have gone unchecked.

Huh?

OP posts:
Sceptimum · 08/08/2016 01:36

I would be going utterly bananas in your place, Op, that sounds miserable. Hoping the additional input from a mate helps your husband realise how much he is asking for.
Could you maybe book you and the DC in to see your family overnight one night and have a lovely couple of family days with them, and then just be there for either the beginning or end of the IL's visit? I have done similar with ours, I don't think it's rude, you both have families you want to see and it's the last long weekend for a bit.

SpecialAgentFreyPie · 08/08/2016 05:07

This plus the wedding thread has me wanting to say run fast, run far.

GabsAlot · 08/08/2016 10:31

did u go to counselling in the end and bring this up?

u have to make a decision now about your marriage if hes not compromising on anything to do with his parents he never will

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 27/08/2016 15:15

They're here. Arrived with Easter eggs for the kids Hmm. Have been sat around drinking tea, eating biscuits and watching the telly (to the exception of everything else) all afternoon. Kids have been playing nicely together and haven't really noticed the adults that "have come to see them" are actually completely ignoring them.

As expected, DH fucked up on the preparation, and despite a lot of bravado mid-week found himself with about 2 hours to do about 3 days worth of housework. Hmm. He begged for my help. I helped with some things but a lot obviously ended up not happening at all. (The telly they're gawping at has about an inch of dust on it.) Due to grandad's deafness, the amp is turned up way past 11 and the house shakes at parts. I've retreated to the office to try and get some work done (I have professional exams next month). They're going out for food tonight and I'll stay home. So all's reasonably well so far.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 27/08/2016 15:16

Oh, and not so much as a whisper about it being our wedding anniversary from any of them including DH. Am yet to see a card.......

OP posts:
FrancesNiadova · 27/08/2016 15:38

FlowersFlowersFlowersWineChocolate
Go and pamper yourself.
There are enough of his family for him to organise to look after the children, if he wants to go boozing with his father. Anyway, organising/entertaining his family is not your concern. Go and spoil yourself.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 27/08/2016 15:42

Too much work for a spa day, sadly. This is working for me. I'm well out of the way. Grin

OP posts:
PizzaPlease · 27/08/2016 15:59

I wouldn't even approach it as a question at this point, I would just tell him that as it's the last little holiday chance you had you're going to take the kids for a mini weekend while his family enjoy some time together. He might mention money in which case I'd ask why he thinks it's better spent on beer. You can find a cheap city hotel on late rooms or check Groupon for a lower spend! I definitely wouldn't sit around bringing cups of tea to family members I didn't agree to invite, it would be uncomfortable for everyone!

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 27/08/2016 16:12

Erm, you may need to RTFT (or at least my posts) Pizza

OP posts:
Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 27/08/2016 16:13

DH had a go a few weeks back about the "ridiculous" number of mugs (40 ish) in this house. His parents have been here for 4 hours and there are 2 left unused. Shock

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 27/08/2016 17:07

So, how long are they staying? Has your arse of a h buggered off drinking yet?

I hope he'll be washing all those mugs up.

Doublemint · 27/08/2016 17:30

For the love of god don't wash up the mugs! Hope your office den hideaway is working well for you op!

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 27/08/2016 18:03

I'm not stepping foot in the kitchen, don't worry!

They're here till Tuesday. Beer festival has been abandoned which means there was no fucking need for them to come this weekend!

OP posts:
hotdiggedy · 27/08/2016 18:43

Oh yuk. What an annoying situation to be in. It's a case of counting the days and making yourself very busy I suppose!

Doublemint · 27/08/2016 19:21

Good for you! And you're almost halfway through, hang in there!

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 27/08/2016 19:23

Almost halfway through what?

OP posts:
Doublemint · 27/08/2016 19:41

Halfway through their visit!

ohfourfoxache · 27/08/2016 19:47

Fucking hell Serious Sad

I really hoped this wouldn't be happening Sad

All I can suggest is that you keep out of the way and keep your sanity as much as you can

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 27/08/2016 19:48

Huh? They arrived today and are going on Tuesday.........

OP posts: