Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws visiting

141 replies

HeCantBeSerious · 30/07/2016 22:39

(Apologies. I'm a long time poster but have forgotten my mumsnet password so reregistered. This may be long.)

DH's family live some distance away - around a 5 hour drive. To say visits are infrequent would be an understatement. We travel to them several times a year (there are loads of them so we try to see them all. It's harder now DC is in school.)

His parents were due to visit last Sept but cancelled to look after someone else's pet. They rearranged for Easter, then cancelled because another relative needed their help with something. (We later found out they didn't go to see the other relative but also didn't bother coming to us.) That was the last straw for me and I stopped encouraging DH to invite them down.

I'm a SAHM. DH's contract finishes at the end of August. We have no idea where we're going to find an income from then (I'm applying for things but not been successful yet). We've no holiday planned because we don't know whether DH will be able to take any time off. So August BH weekend will be the only decent chunk of time we'll have as a family.

He has today invited his parents down that weekend, so that he and his dad can go out drinking. His mother won't commit but says if they do come they'll be bringing DH's grandad who is not in good health and can't walk/do stairs. (We have no downstairs bedrooms and just one massive lounge. Granddad likes to be in bed by 9pm.)

He started arranging this with no consultation with me. I've just pointed out that he's basically asking me and DC to do very little with his mother and grandad while he goes out drinking with his father. I've said I'm not very happy about our only decent few days of family time being used in this way.

He thinks IABU because it's not often he gets chance to drink with his dad.

(We're in marriage therapy at the moment and this demonstrable lack of support is a common theme. I'm at my wits end with it.)

So where do I go from here?

(He also had a bit of a strop about us not having any plans to celebrate our wedding anniversary, which is one of the days he'd be out with his dad while I babysit his relatives.)

OP posts:
ohfourfoxache · 30/07/2016 23:28

Great! They can go to the festival and find a tea stall thingy! They could get them made for them and DH could spend quality time with them all!

Alternatively they could take a flask and a packet of biscuits.....

grumpysquash3 · 30/07/2016 23:29

If you see them every 6-8 weeks then it's hardly a rare opportunity for DH to spend time with his dad. He sees them quite a few times a year.
I don't get the bit about the grandad. Why does he need to come if all the family live around?
I would take myself and DC off elsewhere and tell him he can entertain for the weekend.

grumpysquash3 · 30/07/2016 23:30

BTW I agree about them being DH's family but not yours.
I feel the same about my PIL and am only civil because they are my DC's grandparents.....I don't feel that they are my family at all.

Canyouforgiveher · 30/07/2016 23:31

He wants to go off on the piss with his dad for 2 days and that falls under "spending time with family"

OP, I'd go off to visit my mother/aunt/sister/cousin that weekend if I were you. That way you both get to see your families and you don't sit around like a mug waiting for the men to come home.

In reality this visit will never happen. Maybe the dad will come for the beer festival but that is all.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 30/07/2016 23:32

Think Grandad might fancy a change of scene. Never seen a tea stand at a beer festival!

OP posts:
Janecc · 30/07/2016 23:48

We also have family like this so I understand where you are coming from. If you aren't getting a holiday, I would book one with you dcs and not be around. Your DH doesn't get to unilaterally decide what happens.

I would tell him what you've done once booked and ask him if he'd like to come too and postpone the parental visit.

My DH did some pretty shit stuff on our holiday last year by inviting his friends to stay with us in our very expensive deluxe center parks French holiday cottage for half the week - for free - he booked it all and failed to mention why he needed 3 bedrooms!! They have no kids, drank heavily (our booze) till all hours with DH and got up at lunchtime. They wouldn't even babysit for a couple of hours one afternoon. Nice free holiday for them! This was our main holiday for the year btw. It put our marriage on rocky ground for a while. He really didn't get what a shit he'd been. I made no bones never again.

So I wouldn't accept this either. However, do be aware of the risk to your marriage. But then he's already giving you a very clear message he doesn't have space to consider your feelings at the moment. Or alternatively he may see sense and choose to join you all.

BlackeyedSusan · 30/07/2016 23:53

another vote for dick. you don't just arrange things that have consquences for other members of your immediate family without discussing/permission.

arrange to do something with your son that weekend and leave him to it.

ilovelamp82 · 31/07/2016 00:01

I would take the kids away for the weekend if I was in your position.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 31/07/2016 00:03

Have to be a bit careful with money given re work situation though. I was happy with a weekend at home if it meant quality time. I'm really upset about him hijacking that for bloody beer and relatives that show no interest. Sad

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 31/07/2016 00:09

Have you got family you can go and visit or go camping for the weekend. You're setting yourself up for a weekend of quietly seething if you stay put. Understandably. But I think I would do what I could to avoid that.

Roseformeplease · 31/07/2016 00:17

Who is paying for his beer if you are broke? Seems unfair that you can't go away but he can get pissed.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 31/07/2016 00:27

Would hope that a weekend away over August bank holiday would cost a fair bit more than a day's drinking!

OP posts:
Janecc · 31/07/2016 00:29

Cheap weekend away then? Beg/borrow camping equipment. I get the financial situation but he seems only too happy to spend what is it now? £3.50 a pint? And how many? 15 pints for 2 days = £105. Plus food. Just on him alone, that's easily £150.

How many in your family? You and 2 Dcs? If you then wanted to spend the equivalent per head on the rest of you, that would be a good weekend away (I'm not suggesting you should, just the absurdity of the situation). I understand the money situation but unless you've got the risk of serious debt then your children deserve a holiday when faced with a father willing to blow so much money and hang the consequences.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 31/07/2016 09:59

I hadn't thought of it like that.

OP posts:
rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 31/07/2016 10:49

Ok. So while this would be a lovely time for him, him getting to do it relies wholly on:

  1. you providing round the clock entertainment and hosting for his mum and grandad, and waiting on them. Alone, since he'll be out drinking or hungover.
  2. you providing all meals and childcare at the same time as hostessing, and I'll add into that all house maintenance too as he'll either be out or hungover, I don't see him doing domestic god in the middle of all that
  3. severely disrupting the house and family as grandad will need the lounge turned into a bedroom and will need to go to bed early, plus you needing to turn bedroom back into useable lounge again for the family in the morning.

This is going to be bloody hard work and no fun at all for you. So what exactly does he think is in it for you and the kids? Why does he seem to feel it should be your job to enable and facilitate this jolly for him? I never get this idea that women should hurl themselves gladly under the bus, shut up and facilitate this kind of thing because 'it's family', while no one else in the situation is expected to have any reciprocal responsibilities at all. It's sexist, misogynistic and long outdated crap. And even if you did consent to do all this for him, what does he think about it depriving you of the one weekend you could have had with him and the children as a family?

I might do this out of love in a happy, equal relationship with a partner who understood the sacrifices involved and reciprocated often enough that I'd want to do it for him. Otherwise, not a chance.

You can play him at his own game and tell him you'll be away that weekend too as you're going drinking with some mates. If he asks what happens to the children or his mum/grandad you can give him a big smile and say 'good question... what will you be doing with the children/mum/grandad?' He's expecting you to just pull all that out of the hat with a smile so surely it's easy?

Or send him up to stay with them while he goes on the piss with his dad and without uprooting his poor grandfather. And yes, I'd be spending the equivalent amount of money on yourself and the kids to do something nice that weekend. And wondering how much I really wanted to be in this relationship.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 31/07/2016 12:57

That's pretty much it, rumbling.

I've had enough of it all being about him.

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 31/07/2016 13:02

Why can't he just go and stay with them and go out drinking with his dad ?

happypoobum · 31/07/2016 13:08

YANBU - especially as you are already in relationship therapy around support issues.

I would also book myself and the DC away. He wants his family to visit? Fine, he can entertain them. It's your only family time and he has chosen to spend it getting drunk with his dad when he sees him every few weeks anyway - I would be livid.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 31/07/2016 13:12

Trouble is using know whether to tackle it head on or just not mention it and hope it doesn't happen (as with previous visits).

OP posts:
Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 31/07/2016 13:13

Why can't he just go and stay with them and go out drinking

Because the beer festival is here.

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 31/07/2016 13:17

It might not come off, but if it does just be ready. Even if you can't book a couple of nights away, make sure you are out of the house for both days. Take the kids anywhere, beach, fair, country parks. Knacker them out, back home straight to bed. Same again the next day. DO NOT be available.

Janecc · 31/07/2016 13:22

That's really your choice. Right now you're sounding like that pathetic archetypal downtrodden housewife. An assertive person makes decisions, gives and takes. People lacking self esteem tend to let life events decide for you. Sorry to be so cruel.

Is this what life's about? You and your children are worth so much more.

As I said £150 X 3 = £450 on the assumption you have 2 dcs. Again not suggesting you should or even could spend that amount. Are you sure you can't go away camping even for a night somewhere? Take a big cool box, lots of stuff for sandwiches for 2 meals plus some breakfast stuff and fish and chip supper?

Or maybe camp in a friends garden with their kids - equally exciting. Do you know anyone who'd do a joint mass sleepover like that?

LindyHemming · 31/07/2016 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

handslikecowstits · 31/07/2016 13:34

This isn't about them coming though, is it? This is about your marriage generally and the fact that from your posts you sound like you can't stand your husband (not a criticism BTW, just an observation). As you've said, this is just one example of his behaviour.

For this reason, I'm not going to say whether you're being unreasonable or not as there's too much going on to make a comment. I will say though that it doesn't sound as though your marriage has got much left in it.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 31/07/2016 13:51

No, you're not being unreasonable. Of course not.

He's being very rude inviting visitors he will not be around to entertain - and expecting you to host them without consultation. That is before the rudeness of not consulting you about inviting them at all, not to mention talking to you about what plans you might have as a family. It sounds like he's taking you for granted on this.

I would make alternative plans and do what you would have wanted to do - go away for the weekend or whatever.

Swipe left for the next trending thread