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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws visiting

141 replies

HeCantBeSerious · 30/07/2016 22:39

(Apologies. I'm a long time poster but have forgotten my mumsnet password so reregistered. This may be long.)

DH's family live some distance away - around a 5 hour drive. To say visits are infrequent would be an understatement. We travel to them several times a year (there are loads of them so we try to see them all. It's harder now DC is in school.)

His parents were due to visit last Sept but cancelled to look after someone else's pet. They rearranged for Easter, then cancelled because another relative needed their help with something. (We later found out they didn't go to see the other relative but also didn't bother coming to us.) That was the last straw for me and I stopped encouraging DH to invite them down.

I'm a SAHM. DH's contract finishes at the end of August. We have no idea where we're going to find an income from then (I'm applying for things but not been successful yet). We've no holiday planned because we don't know whether DH will be able to take any time off. So August BH weekend will be the only decent chunk of time we'll have as a family.

He has today invited his parents down that weekend, so that he and his dad can go out drinking. His mother won't commit but says if they do come they'll be bringing DH's grandad who is not in good health and can't walk/do stairs. (We have no downstairs bedrooms and just one massive lounge. Granddad likes to be in bed by 9pm.)

He started arranging this with no consultation with me. I've just pointed out that he's basically asking me and DC to do very little with his mother and grandad while he goes out drinking with his father. I've said I'm not very happy about our only decent few days of family time being used in this way.

He thinks IABU because it's not often he gets chance to drink with his dad.

(We're in marriage therapy at the moment and this demonstrable lack of support is a common theme. I'm at my wits end with it.)

So where do I go from here?

(He also had a bit of a strop about us not having any plans to celebrate our wedding anniversary, which is one of the days he'd be out with his dad while I babysit his relatives.)

OP posts:
Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 01/08/2016 10:20

He's playing the wounded soul now:

  • I agreed to it apparently (he first mentioned it while we were out at a busy social gathering and I said we'd talk about it later. He got straight on his phone to invite them.)
  • He never gets to see them now DC are in school (as per counselling it's up to him to deal with his family and arrange trips. He hasn't since mid-June. Not my problem. He can go up there whenever he likes but he doesn't think to. That's not my fault.)
  • It's not unreasonable (in his view) for me to entertain his family while he spends time with his dad.
  • I'm the unreasonable one to make him have to sort out beds and food etc. He does work hard to provide for DC and I but I'm not his sodding housekeeper.

This stuff with his family is the worst thing about our relationship I think. Facing the fact that they're not going away anytime soon and he just can't/won't see my point of view. Sad

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 01/08/2016 10:30

Well the situation isn't going to get any better by submitting to him. If you intend to stay with this man, the only way he is going to see that he is being unreasonable is by doing exactly what he is doing, and that id what you want without taking him into consideration.

Although in his case he has made decisions on your behalf and also has expectations for you based on those decisions. Don't back down OP. You'd letting him know that it is ok. Just go away for the weekend. Fight your urge to feel guilty about it. He wouldn't have the same courtesy.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 01/08/2016 10:40

I don't know what else has gone on, to put this into perspective, but I wouldn't dream of being awkward over my DH wanting to see his family and go out drinking with his father, if he doesn't do it all the time. I never got on with ILs but would still host them if it made my DH happy. The fact that you don't wants to do this suggests that your marriage is really on the rocks. Whatever you decide to do, don't take your DC away with you, just to spite him. Argue that you think that his mother and grandad would be more comfortable without you around, so you'll go to see friends, and will leave DC with him and his family, as they don't see much of them.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 01/08/2016 10:51

He could go out drinking with his father every weekend if he wanted to. He can't be arsed to organise to do that and then blames me.

I've had 15 years of organising trips up there and having various relatives (never mine) come to stay. When we do go up there it's hit and miss as to whether his parents will have time to see us (even with weeks and weeks of notice) and if they do it's usually brief/chaotic. There's no contact between visits unless initiated by DH. They never ask after DC or I. They lavish the other GC with time and presents but ours get forgotten. I've taken years of virtual punches to the stomach - they didn't even speak to me on our wedding day - to the point that I can't put myself out for them any more. I want to protect DC, who are getting old enough to see that they're very much down the pecking order for attention from their paternal family.

OP posts:
Banana99 · 01/08/2016 10:53

I don't have much advice but it sounds very much like situation I had with PIL.
They wouldn't come to ours (didn't have the time - both retired) but we're happy for us to travel up there many times a year. Pressurised us to go up more 'why can't you come up for Saturday night?' ... Because it's a 6 hour drive.
He used to make plans with his father on the rare visits to us and suggest I could have a 'girlie weekend' with MIL - she could not stand me and certainly wasn't interested in spending any time with me. DH used to plan elaborate 3 course meals for me to cook every night.

I would put your foot down - why can't FIL come alone?

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 01/08/2016 11:04

They're a package deal.

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 01/08/2016 11:15

So what are you going to do then?

mydietstartsmonday · 01/08/2016 11:17

They are his mum & dad for Christ sake. You both need to compromise and come to a solution. You both need to plan & he needs to help.
One day at the beerfest; one day going out as a family and maybe one day at home for a family BBQ - invite your parents over.

If he doesn't meet you 1/2 way then there is no hope!

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 01/08/2016 11:23

My parents have recently moved. I'm not throwing them into the equation as DH will insist we go round to show them the house. (My parents and his don't get on. I'm not orchestrating a meeting.)

OP posts:
CodyKing · 01/08/2016 11:42

DH had no idea the effort required to entertain guests - the beds washing- housework meal planning trips -

They just rocked up

One time I said I wasn't doing any of it - full time work and DC meant insist have time or energy so he had to do it. - and boy dos he complain!!' He didn't know the magic house fairy didn't just appear with oodles of shopping!!! )for FIL to complain about the wrong mustard)

Let him deal with it - you go out

logosthecat · 01/08/2016 11:44

Stick to your guns! Let him take ALL the load of the visit - and I do mean all of it, down to laundry and food.

happypoobum · 01/08/2016 12:15

Given all the circumstances ( and I suspect some posters haven't RTFT) I would let him handle it alone and go off somewhere for a few days either with or without the DC.

Do you have another counselling sessionbooked? Is it worth bringing it up there?

My bet is he will tell you they aren't coming now because he has had to tell them how unreasonable you were being. I don't think he will risk the embarrassment of having to actually deal with his disabled relative and cater for everyone without you doing all the donkey work.

happypoobum · 01/08/2016 12:15

Sorry - by embarrassment I meant when he tries and fails, not that it is embarrassing to have a disabled relative Blush

LivingOnTheDancefloor · 01/08/2016 12:42

Tell him you are going away for a couple of days when they visit, he can choose if you go with the children or if they are staying with him so that they can see the grandparents.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 01/08/2016 12:49

I'm with mydiet if you can't compromise, either of you,men there's no hope for your relationship.
In fact, as part of the compromise, I'd have an evening out (the two of you) while his DPs babysit!

accidentalpirate · 01/08/2016 12:50

We had a bit of this when we were little, paternal grandfather and step grand mum just weren't interested. My mum made loads of effort with them and they just didn't care. In the end she stopped bothering. If dh makes no effort with your family there's no reason why you should make an effort with his.

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 01/08/2016 12:54

In fact, as part of the compromise, I'd have an evening out (the two of you) while his DPs babysit!

The thought leaves me in a cold sweat. They don't know DC well enough and their views on parenting differ wildly to theirs.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 01/08/2016 12:55

I'm happy to compromise. I'm not happy about having people dumped on me!

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 01/08/2016 14:15

OP from what you've said, your DC deserve to have some sort of holiday regardless of the rest of the issues. It may be that the IL'S decide not to come if you won't be there waiting on them and their son will be too drunk/hungover/vomiting to do it either. It will be more relaxing for you and will give the opportunity to think about whether your marriage is worth saving. Would your parents be able to have you to stay?

If this has been going on since you married, I think you won't be able to put up with it for much longer anyway.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 01/08/2016 16:46

How exactly is he interested in compromising? He's being quite open that the plan is that he does what makes him happy and you do all the work and shut up about it.

And knowing you were already unhappy and wanting to discuss it, he invites them for additional days...

Yeah. At this point I'd take him at his word and I would pack a bag and let him realise what he was asking. If that shock doesn't turn him around then frankly why bother any further? Who wants to be in a relationship with a twat like this?

coconutpie · 01/08/2016 18:25

I would tell "D"H that his parents and grandpa are welcome to visit and that he can enjoy spending the time entertaining and hosting them as either

(a) you and DC will be away on holiday

Or

(b) you and DC will be visiting your parents.

If he wishes for somebody to cook, clean, entertain after your parents then he can hire professionals in to do so. His parents, his invitation, he does the hard work.

Sounds though like your marriage has way bigger problems than this.

Kmoggy · 01/08/2016 18:30

Are you kidding me? He invites his family up to go drinking?? Sod off.. Tell him to take the mother and gf with him then as you don't want to babysit then.. Seems he's more interested in drinking that spending time with the family!

Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 01/08/2016 18:35

Its a very male family. They far outnumber females. Beer is part of every visit. FIL will hand DH a beer within 30 seconds of our arrival at their house (and nobody offers me or DC anything). It's assumed that I'll drive, that he's fine to drink. Any mention that I'd rather he didn't is (obviously) extremely unreasonable of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
HeCantBeSerious · 01/08/2016 18:37

Have arranged counselling for later this week. Throughout the process I've been hopeful that we can get through this, but now I'm really starting to doubt it. Sad

OP posts:
DontMindMe1 · 01/08/2016 22:03

DH will insist we go round to show them the house

just say no! they don't get on anyway so just be blunt. you need to start asserting yourself more, it's like your asking for their permission to be valued

take yourself and the dc away for the whole time they're here, just because they like to conform to stereotypes doesn't mean you have to.